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I'm just finishing up my quarantine period from testing positive for Covid. Thank goodness I can finally escape my house in the next few days! This whole thing has gotten me to thinking...

During Covid I was forced to do a lot of self care. I'm much better on advising others to do self care than I am in practicing it for myself. Something about growing up with an uBPDm may have influenced that (and yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic). To get through Covid well, I needed to rest, take appropriate meds, and drink lots of fluids. Sometimes I had to move slowly because my head hurt a lot. Covid causes a lot of inflammation, way down at the cellular level. Many if not most of us have been living in fear of this virus for over 1 1/2 years.

Those of us who have/had a pwBPD in our lives have lived in fear for a long time too. The relationship causes so much strain and hyper-vigilance in us, literally down deep. The body, mind, and soul respond with fear and inflammation such as with fight, flight, freeze or fawn. We have gotten stuck there, and we often don't have time to help ourselves get better. We never learned self care. We had to survive and keep going, trying to keep ourselves safe.

So many of us are now very tired from all the inner inflammation, and we need to do some self care regularly in order to heal and quiet ourselves. Unlike Covid, we need more than a few weeks (or months for the long haulers). What has taken many years to accumulate will take steady work to quiet and heal. Even if the turmoil is still going on around us, in order to try and maintain some sense of stability, it needs to be a constant in our lives, a new way.

Learning to care for self isn't so different than learning to care for oneself when we are physically sick.

Any examples you can think of where you are practicing self care?

 :heart:
Woolsie

I am glad you are recovering. It seems our whole world has changed since Covid-19- not just the fear of the virus but the divisions that have come forward during this time.

For me, self care also was a necessity during an illness several years ago that I thankfully recovered from. During this time, I needed to put myself first.

I had less time available to help my parents. BPD mom didn't like that much. It was a sad realization to see that she really could not be aware of my well being too. I think for those of us who grew up in this kind of situation, we actually have to take charge of our own self care- but somehow we seem to be waiting for "permission" from others to do that. However, "others" may not be able to do that for us.

For me, I think I somehow had the idea that if I just gave enough, if I was just good enough, then perhaps I'd earn some reciprocity- maybe someone would return some of that love and attention. I was giving it away, hoping someone would recognize it and return that love to me.

Self care isn't selfish. We can love ourselves and also love others. We can care for ourselves and still care for others. The two aren't mutually exclusive. We don't need anyone else's permission to care for ourselves, so just do it!

Relieved to hear that you are healing.
I have been fortunate to have a supportive partner, yet he really doesn't understand the depth of my pain since he had a different experience not only growing up but also due to his more relaxed and healthy approach to life. But when the pandemic hit and the experts were talking about how many in the country (and world) were experiencing increased anxiety and depression due to the pandemic, it hit me that there were many parallels between growing up with a PWD and navigating the emotions brought up by the pandemic.
Conversely, I feel like I was more "prepared" for dealing with the pandemic anxiety, as I have been conditioned to be hypervigilant from a very young age.
Hypervigilant and anxious, but still an optimist at heart.

Here's my example.  I've had back pain during sleep for at least 6 years, probably more.  It wakes me up in the wee hours, and then it hurts to roll over, just exist, and sleep is difficult to impossible after that.  Upon getting up and moving around, the pain ceases.  Every single night it's the same.  I've been going to physio, massage, and occasionally chiro for years (although some of that was also for other problems).  About 10 years ago, I started doing basic exercises as a gym with the help of personal trainers.  I was a small relatively weak middle aged woman observing my mom make terrible decisions and get weaker and weaker and frailer and frailer.  I was determined not to end up like her.  I wanted to strengthen my body to gain energy, stay fit and healthy, and have less pain with more movement.  After many years of this work, the body is stronger, the lower back is feeling good, but the thoracic back is still a problem during sleep.  I sought a second opinion with another physio who gave me some additional things to try.  Over a period of 4 weeks, there was nominal improvement (imaginary?), and I was discouraged.  She pointed out to me that 6+ years of pain wasn't going to be undone in 4 weeks of treatment with her.  That kind of clicked.  That was a few months ago, and I am hopeful that things are turning for the better. But every massage therapist I have ever seen comments on how "tight" my back muscles are.  I suspect that is where I carry the stress of having a uBPD mom.  And if that's the case, a lifetime of her can't be undone in a few weeks of treatment, or even a few years of work.  Not sure it can ever be undone.  Just hopefully somehow managed, maybe.  

So this really clicked for me. Without self care, we will not be able to achieve wellness very well at all.

Tonight I facilitated a dinner with H and S26 (home on a visit) at uBPD mom's house. It was a family gathering the night before S26 leaves.  I organized the event, did the grocery shop, most of the cooking, set up an appt for mom's annual flu shot whilst there (so she could come along when I got mine) etc.  During the evening she kept telling me how much every one else did for her (great emphasis when saying their name), and at the end of the evening, love bombed S26 for changing the batteries in her mouse for her.  It just doesn't matter what I do, there is no mention or gratitude.  She put so much emphasis on the names of what others do for her, that it just  has to be done deliberately.  Same old same old - whatever we do it's never enough.  We must be doggedly stupid to keep trying so hard.  I had to distract myself and go on my phone at her house after the dinner tonight.  It felt (and feels) awful.  To your point about self-care Woolsie, I will have to carve some more time for that tomorrow.

This is great, Notwendy. Your example points so clearly to our need to learn to take care of ourselves because no one else will do it if we don't. Glad you have learned this so well.

Madeline7, you make a very good observation that I had not considered:


We definitely learned resilience in a way that others didn't, and it's good that you were able to observe something positive coming out what we learned!  |iiii


How very true this is, Methuen. It sounds like you are doing well at learning (by necessity) how important self care is. Who cares how we learn it, as long as we begin to love and care for ourselves. Well done!

Thank you for your kind thoughts re Covid. I am recovering. Pacing myself each day and getting better. Mostly just super tired now and with time, that will get better too.

 :hug:
Wools

Methuen,

After a visit with my parents when my father was ill, I had very tight back muscles. I recognized it was likely stress. I did a lot of what you did, massage therapy, yoga, to improve on this and it resolved.

Yesterday, I experienced that muscle tightness and so I don't think it's a coincidence. I felt stressed knowing the conference with my mother was coming up and after the conference too. So I went home immediately, did some stretches and started to work on this.

Same here- I have done many nice things for my mother but she raved about how one of her family members did something small ( that I have done many times for her) and how great that was. You know it's not personal-the closer we are, the more likely we are devalued, but it's demoralizing.

I can really relate to how growing up with a BPD mom in many ways prepared me for all the anxiety and stress surrounding the pandemic. I also am familiar with how people who did some small thing get praised and no matter how generous the mistreated children are, there was rarely ever any gratitude or praise from our mother with BPD, just mostly criticism. My mother with BPD would praise my brother who was her golden child for things he did, both big and small, whereas anything my sister, other brother, and I did no matter how extremely generous usually did not receive any recognition whatsoever. I remember one Christmas my sister worked hard to prepare dinner for the whole family, and my mother sneered telling me privately that my sister's dinner was not as good as the one she used to prepare. I felt sad for my sister for all her efforts. We can never underestimate how stressed we feel both mentally and physically because of all the abuse, and how much self care we need to be our best selves. I personally would like to focus less on self care for myself and be doing more for others. I am so tired of being upset and being so needy.
  

 @zachira  :hug: I totally relate to the constant strain of never being enough, doing enough and the endless merry go round of criticism behind peoples backs. My mother can really say very damaging things about others then I have to witness her telling them they are wonderful to their face. The emphasis on peoples names too. She knows the names that trigger me and I have to work really hard to be passive and non reactive and hope that one day the person in her thrall will see they are being used.