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Hey all, my mother has organised the funeral and what was going to be a small family affair has now morphed into a huge event with estranged family from all over the place coming. I am very anxious about attending and getting scapegoated as usual. I will go to the funeral but I can't face the hotel gathering with relatives afterwards. I am aware that by drawing attention to myself through my absence my mother and brother will have reason to be angry with me and that I will reinforce the usual stereotypes that they label me with...but I just can't do the social bit. I would appreciate comments and also has anyone else ducked out of the big family gathering bit?

I'm sorry that the grief of your loss has to be compounded with all this other nonsense.  You'll get through it.


You have to do what feels right for you.  I'll just offer this -- in the relationship with my spouse, I finally realized that I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't, so now I do as I please.  I don't have a full understanding of your situation, but you have made it clear that if you don't go that you mother and brother will be angry.  You aren't contemplating not going for no good reason -- aside from the social bit (which is plenty good reason enough itself, nobody gets to tell anybody else how to grieve) do you anticipate something negative happening in the presence of your mother?

Couper is right- you may not make people happy regardless. I felt alienated at my father's funeral- and embarrassed as my mother had painted me black to her family. I am still not comfortable around them as I don't know what they really think of me.

I didn't even sit with them during the funeral service and other than a cursory hello, didn't interact with them much. Because relatives from his side were there, I did attend with them but if I had been alone or only with my husband, I may not have.

My husband was shocked when I mentioned I didn't know if I should go. Of course, he has a different relationship with his parents so it doesn't make sense to not go. You do what is most comfortable for you.

You have likely hit the nail on the head anticipating that the big gathering after the funeral could be more stressful than you can bear. At the funeral, you will have some protection, as the mourners will have to focus on the service. Is it possible you can just leave town as soon as the service is over? The uncomfortable feelings you may have from not doing the conventional thing by attending the gathering afterwards and the backlash you know you will be getting no matter what you do, is just plain painful and overwhelming. I have found it extremely helpful to dedicate some time each day to meditating, to process the feelings so that most of the time, my feelings do not get too bottled up and overwhelming. Will you have some days after the funeral to do some activities you really enjoy and to be with people that you love to be around before you resume your normal routines?
I had been subconsciously avoiding family events for years when I knew that the flying monkeys would be there. Now, I mainly attend just the events with the more distant relatives who mostly treat me with kindness and respect. There is still a lot of pressure from the whole family to be part of the bigger events, which I know are lethal from me, as I am the scapegoat of my generation.

Again thank you all so much for your responses because it really validates me during such a horrendous time. I'm not going to go, It will be hard to walk away after the service but as you observed Cooper it's my grief and those with compassion will put it down to my emotions. I will be very emotional at the service I am sure. I saw my dad 10mins after he died and seeing his corpse was such a blow having been with him 6 hours before. I took my mother home because she was exhausted (she had stayed up the night before with him) we got the call to come back to hospital but we were just too late.

I feel everyday the weight of not doing "enough" despite enduring one of the most harrowing experiences with her, to put it bluntly my dad died from internal bleeding and it breaks my heart remembering the indignity at times. And yes Zachria I finally accepted the double bind of my mother and now I do what I can bear and no more. I expect it will be my fault that we went home and she wasn't with him when he died.

If she actually does this, you may want to consider the following reply:  dying people can choose their time.  Then let that sit with her, and go do some  errand..  Many people believe this, and I have also heard it from health professionals.  Perhaps some people want to be surrounded by famly, and perhaps some people choose to die in a different kind of peace, or maybe they want privacy, or want to spare their lived ones those last suffering moments..  I have heard so many stories to support this over my life that I have come to believe it.

Regarding the after funeral event, is it possible to tell one or two people ahead of time that you won’t be able to make it to the reception?  Use BIFF?  It may not stop the tongue wagging, but it will still be an authentic narrative to counter your mom’s possible narrative.  You could tell them you aren’t well enough to attend, but will still remember and honour him on your own, which is the truth.  It’s just  an idea  - maybe not a helpful one for your situation.  But by telling a few strategic people ahead of time, it doesn’t look like you ran or didn’t care enough to show up. 

My condolences on the loss of your dad at his difficult time.  Be extra kind to yourself for the next few days.

I believe that they choose their time too. I didn't know what to make of it when we were told, days to a week, and he died when I left the room, but my mother and FOO was there.

I didn't know if it was because he had dismissed me as family. Or possibly spared me.

I understand the feeling of "not doing enough". Whatever I could do wasn't enough or I did it wrong, and she's still that way. Consider therapy to help you deal with the grief and the family dynamics. It can help.

I am sure it was traumatic to see your Dad in that state.  I hope you can focus on the memories of your father alive and vibrant. Take care of yourself.

You might soften the gossip if you made it clear that you weren't attending the after-party because you wanted to spend a few hours alone at the gravesite with your thoughts and reflecting on mortality, etc.

funerals are for the living...the after gathering is social...you don't have to go