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So.  Nine weeks post discard, feeling stronger thanks to those of you here and my wonderful therapist.

Today's concern may seem silly, but I worry it will cause him to lash out and set me back on my recovery.

This morning, I finally blocked him on social media. We weren't connected on any forum -- not friends on facebook --  but I hadn't blocked him until now. That was on purpose because that action would usually prompt him to do something impulsive to cause me distress. And I don't want to hear from him or be on the receiving end of any outburst.

I'm worried about this and it is causing me to think about him more than I had in recent days. But I know I needed to do it because I had found myself looking him up too often, as well looking up the woman he replaced me with. I am a grown woman and this felt not only silly, but harmful to myself. I feel that my recovery requires me to block him so I won't have the opportunity to spy anymore.


 I also am sad to say that a small part of me had likely left that social media window open to leave open the opportunity of communication. Aside from the cruel breakup text and a cruel note a month ago, I have not heard from this man. Intellectually, I know the silence is a blessing, because he could never express he words I'd need to hear and I need to keep his chaos out of my life. (This, for me is remarkable progress after five hard discards)

Still, I'm very concerned about repercussions of blocking him. This all seems so silly. 

Hey Cant Breathe, Don't beat yourself up for taking care of yourself!  You did what you needed to do for purposes of your recovery.  There's no need to waste a lot of energy on justification and guilt.  Instead, give yourself credit for standing up for yourself.  His reaction, if any, is beyond your control, so I suggest you let it go.

LuckyJim

Thanks, Lucky Jim. My only concern about his reaction is that there will be some action from him against me. If this caused a reaction in him that I never have to know about, then that's fine by me. I am no longer worried about HIS well-being; I am trying to protect my own.

Hi Can't Breathe,

I understand how difficult this is. I wonder if you could block him, and see? you're afraid of things from the past or possibly things from the future, that I can understand. But if you think it's the right thing to do for you, then you'll thank yourself in 3 months time for doing it now. What would the can't breathe in the future say to the you now, if she could?

Best wishes
poppy

First off, congratulations.  This seems like it was one of the last tethers you had connecting him to you.  I'm sure it wasn't easy.  You have 30 years experience with this person, so everything is amplified in this context.  None of it is silly, your feelings and concerns about your personal safety, unless you see it as such.

I know you're still thinking of him, his feelings, how he would react, etc...  But I only think of your ex as the guy who discarded you with a cryptic text while you were in the hospital parking lot waiting for your mom to come out of heart surgery.  The guy who dumped you when you had cancer.  The guy who moved in with another woman on the first date and again, you know the story, dumped you.  Dumped you after he had recently told you how he loved you.  How he wanted to be with you, yeah, that guy.

So I'm trying to imagine this guy even thinking about your feelings, how you might react, what concerns might be going on in your mind.  I find it very hard to imagine.  What I can imagine is my BPDex doing similar things to what you've explained.  Thank goodness that didn't happen, but the feelings inside are the same.  14 months, 3 weeks of No Contact.  She told me she loved me, she told me she needed me.  Discarded, and not a single word to bring me back in that time.

There is nothing inside of her that can generate true compassion or true empathy for anyone outside of her, and there likely never will be.