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recently, i've spent some time on the phone with a close friend thats in recovery like me and i think some of what we discussed is worth sharing. i've also been reading a book about the science of a breakup and what happens in our brains. i've found it helpful and i'll share some of that here too.

i reached out to a friend of mine in recovery after this last encounter/explosion with my ex. we talked a lot about various ways addiction shows up for us and he said something i found insightful --"the least interesting thing about my alcoholism is the alcohol. after i got sober, relationships and love were uncovered as my underlying problem. picking up her call is like picking up a drink, you're starting the cycle again. and looking at her social media accounts is like walking through the liquor store trying not to touch anything." he couldnt be more right. i beat myself up over the "using again", isolate from friends and dont tell them i'm with them again, then inevitably it all comes crashing down worse and quicker than before, and i'm back into the shame cycle again. its just like my alcoholism. i hope that looking at it this way will help me move through it and give myself some grace.

i've also been reading a book with a really dumb title but really insightful information. its called Breakup Bootcamp. its about the science of what happens in our brains when we go through a breakup and how to work on attachment and rewire yourself.
interesting facts:
1. our brain does not know the difference between serotonin that comes from joy or serotonin that comes from fear and anger. it's all the same to our brain. (what a sick joke)
2. your partner has been a source of dopamine and serotonin for a long time in big and small ways, you are now going through a literal withdraw of those chemicals that make you happy. be kind to yourself and try to remember you will bounce back as your physiology bounces back too.
3. as you go through this withdraw you will find ways to source those chemicals in whatever way you can ie: looking at social media, old photos, attempting to contact etc. [see #1 for why]
4. look up the definition of limerance- i'm just as bad as my ex-partner here.

so, even if you're not an addict of substances like me, you may find that looking at your relationship in this light helps you find answers and grace. i HIGHLY recommend looking at the 12 steps as a guide.

i'll leave you with this last thing. maybe its the way we've responded we're shameful of, maybe its shame and blame placed on us by the ex-partner, whatever the case is we dont have to hold it. my friend said to me, "even if you've done bad things in the past, it doesnt mean you cant wake up and be happy. you're allowed to be happy. you're allowed to have fun. you're allowed to recover and be better moving forward. if you're staying in a bad place because of how you think they might feel you're wasting your time. resentment and shame are like holding a hot coal. its not hurting anyone but you."

Thanks for this. You sent me into a rabbit hole of limerence research  :) It is an interesting topic and seems to explain a pwBPD's "favorite person" tendency quite well, doesn't it? I've definitely been there too, though its still so weird for me that a pwBPD can switch off the emotions so abruptly for someone they were so enamored with.

This to me indicates that they didn't actually form an attachment bond. 

That's really interesting and something I can identify with also being a recovering alcoholic.   I had a couple of lightbulb moments recently while attending SMART recovery.  Just seeing Addiction In a completely different light And come to realize quite a bit about myself and my relationship.  I remember so vividly Being in a meeting With a bunch of people from AA, NA, CoDa, Over eaters, Under eaters, etc And Coming to the realization That we have the same thing which is manifest itself differently and it a completely change my world view And have ended up Getting so much more out of Learning about BPD myself CBT, DBT, Impulse control, etc