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The past 3 days has been a crystal clear window into the dysfunctional dynamic J grew up under.  Her family (7 adults) live under one roof.  3 of them have COVID.

Texted her mother: “How is everyone feeling today?”
Mother: “I think about the same.  I felt sick last night but I feel better now” (ironically, she also now tests positive)

Earlier this week,

Me: “What did the doctor say when R tested positive?”
Mother: “I don’t know.  Didn’t ask.   Just said to stay away from me”

I knew she was an overall bad person- but as of now, it is crystal clear that this woman is a sociopath.   She either has no capacity for empathy or she does and chooses not to care anyway.

(Me now venting) How does a mother and grandmother (and great grandmother for that matter) learn that her husband, her daughter and at least one of her grandchildren (all of which live with her) NOT so much as have the capacity to even FAKE interest in the fact that they all are suffering from a virus that has a NON ZERO chance of killing all of them?  She won’t show an interest even to protect her own well being!

All of this gives me a much better glimpse into J’s mental state.   While I can’t cure or change it, it allows me to have more compassion for J’s disabled thinking and emotional regulation problems.   It gives me more personal tools to better handle her anxiety and rage problems- as it is clear that this behavior was the only way to have hope for her mother to notice her or care for her problems.   In order to help keep the household on a smoother level, I must work on myself and learn not to try to be a fixer- I must learn to keep my own emotions on a healthy level.  I’m most relationships, a heated argument might allow both sides to understand each other.   In this case, J will NEVER see beyond the emotional pain and without therapy, she will never stop trying to (literally) SCREAM her positions in a desperate hope to be seen and heard.

Hi Boogie,

Since her mother likely has the same condition as your partner, do you feel the same empathy toward her?

While I believe that her mother suffers from some level of BPD or NPD, J is different in a few ways from her mother.  Her mother is a fatalist evangelical Christian- sort of.   She’s the type that believes that if you “pray” then that’s enough- yet knows nothing about the Bible.   Her mother is sociopathic- to the extent that she doesn’t show affection, nor does she ever offer any kind of comforting to someone in emotional need.   

She doesn’t seem to express any interest in the suffering of her loved ones in any way.   She keeps secrets- yet she violates others’ trust.  For example, she has been on the phone talking to J about some co-worker or neighbor (that I don’t know from Adam) and upon knowing that I’m in earshot of this “juicy tidbit”, it has to be disclosed to me “NOT to tell ANYONE!”  and I’m like, “who the hell would I tell this to?  I don’t know anyone or anything about this l, don’t care and it’s not something I would even think to tell”

J is NONE of this.   She’s not a fatalist, not an evangelical and she shows some forms of empathy.

A lot of that sounds like borderline, tbh. And since 80% of borderlines have a borderline parent too, I'd lean heavily towards that. Maybe she is just higher on the spectrum.

That said, my point is: be careful to rationalise abuse towards you. It's good that you can understand where it comes from. Great if that helps you not to become too emotionally impacted by an outburst. The only danger is if you start to explain away abuse towards you - becoming a door mat - because "J didn't mean it, it's just because of her upbringing".

If you can avoid that, great stuff. This new insight might help you a lot.

Hope that makes sense.

Oh my- please don’t get me wrong… This is not an enabling excuse of abusive behavior.   I have been working hard at establishing boundaries as to what is or is not acceptable behavior. 

I am simply finding it easier to “seek to understand” (as 7 Habits will call it).   I am by no means looking to rationalize abusive behaviors “because she had a hard life, she gets a pass”

It DOES allow me the small luxury of being able to foresee potential triggers and decide which battles are worth revisiting.  I can take less personally if I am able to analyze the root of the behaviors and figure out how to keep a more stable home.

Sounds like a great development for you. Maybe digging slightly deeper in her childhood might help you even more?