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So my W was jealous that I spent $600 for an iPad for one of my kids. This was a while ago. They need those iPads because she sleeps late and quite frankly isn't involved enough with activities with them outside of school and I don't have the time with work. Anyway the problem is that she complained that I haven't bought her any nice jewelry (read: $500 worth or so) for several years.

One of her biggest problems is alcohol abuse. She is a mean drunk. I told her I had been considering buying her some jewelry when she came in, told me what's what and slammed the door to my office three times (sheesh). It's very hard to want to buy her anything large when I already spend money to take her on vacation, and pay for her wine. Am I crazy?

Makes sense to me. Do you budget together with her? You could see if she'd rather some of that wine/vacation money diverted instead to jewelry. You as the non-BPD can probably take the lead on finances as you're probably more discerning.

My uBPD wife and I keep our finances somewhat separate: I pay for our essentials, and she works for money to pay for her luxuries. This works well for us because it creates an incentive for her to work for her money and she knows the value of a dollar because she spends her own.

My wife does the same thing. She gets especially jealous if my brother's wife or another family member gets new jewelry. We work to budget together, but she still gets upset and demands jewelry even if the money isn't there, then complains where the money went. It's frustrating. And when I did buy her the ring she has been wanting for our 5 year anniversary, she said I was supposed to buy it in a more special way and made me return it, then complained I never get her anything.

I think the reason is maybe she is feeling inferior/not as good/loved as the other person. Look at some of the tools on this website and practice some validating responses/see if you can get to the core of the issue. I wish I would have done this. You can see my other posts for what happened instead.

Maybe something like: You seem upset, it can be so frustrating when we see others getting what we want and feel we deserve. Can you help me understand what you are feeling? I'm here for you.

I'm no expert so take what I say with a grain of salt, I'd be interested what some of the other, more experienced members think.

Sounds very familiar.
I arranged two surprise parties for my GF birthday, paid for all the food and all the drinks. Bought her flowers and wrote her a nice poem. After the weekend I noticed something was wrong and I asked her what it was. She told me that she though that I would have bought her a ring because in the days before her birthday, I apparently stared at her hands. She really sounded like a spoiled kid.

Afterwards I bought her a ring. And now she uses it at any given occasion to make a point by throwing the ring at me saying I better give it to someone else.

Sounds exactly like something my wife would have done. Sigh. Amazing how similar all of our experiences are

I worked in a jewelry store for a couple of years, and wow, did I see some weird behavior there. So many people would buy things they clearly couldn’t afford and the precious gems and gold lust was disturbing to witness. It seems that jewelry is equated in some people’s mind with much more than merely self-decoration.

And the salespeople who worked there often spoke of the metaphor that catching potential customers was like fishing. I had to absent myself from the sales end, do displays and bookkeeping because I found it all so disquieting. Often I would imagine my strategy should we get robbed at gunpoint. And one day when I was setting up the displays in the morning and carrying multiple boxes of gems and pearls, three helmeted guys in black with automatic weapons rushed through the front door and pointed their weapons at me.

Unbeknownst to me, the owner’s son, playing in the back office, had pushed the panic button, alerting the swat team. I had to do some fast talking, as they thought I was robbing the place.

Haha,  you can't make this stuff up! 

Anyway, as fas as jewelry / gifts.  My uBPDw has been wanting lots of expensive things lately.  Like $1000 USD plus.  If it's something we both want (like new bicycles) I will sometimes agree that that's our gift for Christmas and Birthdays for the year.  Which is actually really nice because then I don't have to worry about getting her the perfect gift for those occasions that she'll complain about.  We also recently went on on a last minute very expensive vacation this past fall.  So as I was agreeing to that I said "this will have to be part of our Christmas gift".  So we both just got eachother a few small things for Christmas.  If she would have complained I would have said, you wanted to go on that lavish vacation.  Choices have consequences, haha.   

Fine jewelry $500 plus seems like it should be reserved for really special occasions unless you are filthy rich that is...  BIG anniversaries or 50th, 60th birthdays etc, milestones or a big promotion.

That's a great idea! As much as I would love to do that, she also has a hard time working, and doing gig work is so irregular. We are a single income household, I'm ashamed to say we don't really do a budget but the one time I tried it I didn't like what I saw. I make up the difference through overtime and doing a little gig work myself, and I should be getting a promotion at work next year.

As far as finances, I handle paying all the bills, bank account etc. and she is in charge of giving me a hard time about why I don't make more money. /eyeroll. But seriously, whenever we have something come up like a home repair that she "isn't comfortable with" paying, I tell her that things will be fine (they will) and she worries and worries and is really b*tchy. I really hate to even think about how well some of my friends are doing whose wives make a nice regular income. Even if my wife worked retail there would at least be a paycheck every two weeks.

I did bring up the vacation idea and said we could not do a vacation next year to make up the cost. She's really quick to not agree to that, lol because I think she would truly go nuts without annual vacations.

It sounds like you really went the extra mile to make her feel special! It's amazing that no matter how much it is, it never seems to satisfy them, at least not for long.

Spoiled kid is right. My wife's stepfather has told me he thinks I have three kids (I have two but yeah). It's always her needs first, why am I not listening to her, etc. And like your GF, she uses her ring to make a point. When she's mad at me, threatens to pawn all her jewelry including her wedding ring. Haha.

I did end up getting her some nice jewelry to the tune of $600. Kind of a belated 10th anniversary present and Valentine's day together. She was thrilled for maybe a day or two but she does wear her diamond earrings all the time at least. I'm probably a dope for doing that but I gotta live with her, you know?

I appreciate your input. It's very perplexing to say the least. My W wants the security of knowing finances are under control, but at the same time she wants the luxuries that we can't always afford. I'm lucky (unlucky) to have one sister whose husband makes probably twice what I do, and has for years, she doesn't have to work but is going back to work as a teacher, so my W complains that we have to celebrate that. She is SO jealous of this sister. And my other sister she still resents for the way she was treated after we got engaged (we've been married over 10 years).

I've kind of given up on the validating responses because I'm familiar with her jealousies and motivations. I let her vent and then storm off into the other room. I REALLY wish she could get over her resentment of my sisters and move on with her life. Also, she keeps having this idea that she wants to have a close relationship with them and so wants to be more open and talk about things. They don't want that in any way, shape or form and have told me so. I can't really blame them because she is difficult.

WhatToDo47  - I know, uncanny right? Ugh.

Mitten - that's a really good idea. I like having that count towards birthdays or anniversaries etc.

Cat - what a funny story! It's sad the effect jewelry has on people too.

This is all so, so familiar. I'm in the process of finishing up a divorce with my soon to be exwBPD, and all of this reminds me of why the situation had become unsustainable. I could have written any of the above posts.

Every gift I gave was wrong, or the right gift given in the wrong way. I make a very good income, but it was never enough. She was always so selfish and jealous of what others had, even if it took them YEARS of hard work and frugality to save and buy, she wanted it NOW. And then when we didn't have millions in the bank she was mad and her and her mom came up with some delusion that I'm hiding money. Nope, she just spend it on her petty keeping up with the joneses. But if I dared even hint that maybe she spent ANY of it, she would say she's such a burden, I care more about money than her, she might as well kill herself so that I would have my precious money, etc. Obviously, she was the most important thing in the world to me and I never gave her reason to believe otherwise. It's exhausting and there's no way to win.

I can relate to seeing others who are married to non BPD wives and thinking, wow it must be nice to not always be worried that you're going to go bankrupt for some impulsive, petty reason and to work with your spouse as a team to accomplish financial and life goals instead of constantly parenting, talking down from a rage, and trying to put out fires that were started unnecessarily by them.

When my brother got married, she got so mad that he got his fiancee a bigger ring than she had, even though I was still a student with no money when we got engaged. She called my parents, grandparents, everyone, trying to get them to say that my brother's fiancé's ring was ugly just so she could feel better about hers. It's gross.

The sense of entitlement is beyond belief, but it seems they all have it in common. I think it's a phase we all went through as kids but most of us outgrew it.

Be vary wary of these "deals".

Much better to skip this years vacation and then after it has really been skipped and the money really not spent...grab her something nice.

I mean..you know what will happen next year if you take her deal..right?

Best,

FF

Such a great point. I tried so many times to make "deals," especially with financial things, and it blew up massively in my face at the end. The annual vacation thing is interesting, my expwBPD would get super anxious if we hadn't been on vacation in a few months and would start impulsively researching (and often booking) trips to random places. I didn't know about BPD at the time. Interesting that it wasn't just me that experienced this. Not sure what was behind this other than impulsivity to escape the pain instead of dealing with it.

That is a very good point. New strategy: I said in advance that we're not taking a big family vacation next year because we have things to pay for this year. So I think in preparing her in advance it will be easier to deal with.

WhatToDo47 - I think she keeps wanting to go on vacation more, like the last two years, we've done a big family trip then a "just us" trip but lots of family stuff this year will make that impossible. Next year I'm thinking will be a small "just us" trip and a car family trip to a smaller destination.

Sounds like you have this very well thought out and also that you are a very caring and loving partner. Just don't expect her to react rationally (which I don't think you are). Let us know how it goes if you want. Rooting for you my friend!

Thank you!

A thought I had this evening. It's really ironic for her to complain about money when she's not making anything and just spent $25 today on wine. It's not every day but my God, the disconnect is staggering.

And we started having some car troubles with our newer car and she made a remark about how I'm going to enjoy paying for everything we have coming up. I resisted the urge to text back. Argh. It's hard but at least I've learned that responding usually only makes things worse.

Yup. I've been there a million times. She would hardly make any money, quit her jobs, spend spend spend, and then freak out when the bill was high. I just got used to it after a while. It became a monthly routine and usually resulted in her breaking down, saying she's a burden and panicking that she was a bad wife and I would divorce her (which I never would have), her saying she's a burden and threatening to kill herself, and on and on.

There would be barely enough money for rent and she would be pouting that I said no to an impulsive $1000 vacation idea she suddenly had.

You are right, not responding is usually the best option. Logic and math definitely don't work. I think they see it as invalidating and controlling.

Now I wish I would have just kept money matters out of her hands completely and just validated "it must be so scary to feel like there's no money" or "it must be so frustrating to want something and we don't have money for it." But who knows how long or well that would have worked.

I also very often got "you love money more than me" when I was trying to curb spending that was leading to bankruptcy or "you love work more than me" when I would cave in and say yes to something we couldn't afford and then work OT to pay for it.

Sorry for the rant, all this just to say I've been in your shoes and you're doing so well and being so kind to her. Study some of the communication tools on this site around validating and not JADEing, etc and the staying board. I wish I would have known them in the relationship. I don't think it could have prevented the downfall, but it would have probably made it less traumatic for both of us, and I've used the tools and strategies in my communication with her throughout the divorce process to great success.

Hang in there my friend!

I appreciate your perspective, having been there! It is amazing the similarities. It's amazing how much I dislike her at times and how much I like/love her at others. It is really the Jekyll and Hyde thing. It sounds like you did the best you could at the time. I really try to use the tools on this site but so much of the time I have to let her, for lack of a better word, p*ss and moan until she gives up arguing.

The bright spots in my life at the moment are my two boys who are doing well in school and my job. I'm likely to get a promotion within the next year which will really ease things up financially.

And a shocker, last night she told me a restaurant wanted to interview her for a manager position. Which I didn't know she was qualified for but she does have a college degree. That would make such a big difference financially and she would enjoy it but she said she turned it down because she likes volunteering at the kids school. I understand but the irony is she hates our neighbors so much and if she had a job like that we could afford a better house in a different neighborhood, lol.

lol sounds like another average day in BPD land! My expwBPD was offered SO many jobs/opportunities like that that would have gotten us (and her) into a better situation but she always turned them down for something she liked "better." And then next week or so she would say she never liked the "better" thing (could be her current job, time at home to watch tv, time with me, etc) and blame me for not "really" wanting her to take the job, even though I always encouraged her to do what she thought was best for her mental health. Oy.

I'm so happy to hear your boys are doing well! It sounds like you have a great perspective and sense of humor about things and that your priorities are straight. Good job!

It is amazing the similarities. I've never loved and liked someone so much at times and at other times disliked them so much. I can so relate to that.

Thank you for your kind words to me as well. I really did the best I could and I have no regrets there. I love her and did my very best. I pray she (my ex) gets the help she needs.

I'm so thankful for you all and this site. Sometimes people just don't understand unless they've been in a relationship with a pwBPD and it's crazy (pun intended lol) how similar they all are at times.

PS sorry if this didn't make sense. I am very tired at the moment haha

Yeah that sounds similar indeed again. I appreciate your kind words as well, it makes me feel like I'm on the right path st least. She got a rejection letter from the job she had been applying to so she was in self pity mode all day.

Yes I'm thankful for this site too! Most people just don't "get it" like the people here.

Agree on all of the above. That self pity mode is one I recognize all too well, and it was usually followed by self harm, impulsive spend and eat, and rescue me modes. How are things going for you? Thankful for each and every one of you here.

The school year is almost over and my w has been a volunteer where she spent a good part of her weeks. She's dreading the summer months with kids at home and no job to do. Tonight she was freaking out because my older son was talking to his friends about how I'm the comfortable parent (but Mom does a lot too). She of course took this to mean she's completely worthless and that no one wants her (eye roll). So instead of going out to eat or to a movie, she sulks and drinks wine all evening.

Once again, it's like you're describing my ex. So familiar. Well, take care of yourself and I wish you a peaceful and happy summer!

Thanks, you as well!

Thank you! Great so far and doing a lot of healing thank God. Any updates over there as it relates to this topic? If you feel like sharing

Things have gotten worse. She's all but forgotten about the new earrings and any goodwill from that is gone. We were all going to take a family trip this week to see my parents where they rented a vacation home. Until wife got a wild hair to send some negative emails their way which she has consistently done for probably the last year. She also sent one to one of my sisters. My parents have uninvited her from the house and now I am hoping to still go to with my sons.

Sounds chaotic, self destructive (on her part), and oh so typically BPD, sadly. I've been there, my ex simply had to destroy all family relationships, sooner or later. They took my attention off of her. Even when it was her family. Sad really, another flavor of triangulation, when you think about it. How are you holding up?

Sounds about right, burning bridges!

This has been quite a last couple of weeks. So, I held firm and I took my sons on vacation with my parents. It was a great time and they really appreciated us coming. Before we left,  my W was freaking out and has really hit rock bottom lately with that and her alcoholism. She somehow got an idea to go to treatment across the country. And surprisingly she did go. She did 7 days and completed detox and wants to do AA and counseling at home. I already have a plan for a counseling place she can go to that does DBT. My family was happy she was going to treatment, as her alcoholism is a main driver of her sending nasty emails and texts to them.

She was originally planning for 30 days, but called yesterday. She was positive at first but then it turned into that she can't do therapy that far away from home and I finally said to come home because it was clear she wasn't on board being there any longer. It was a struggle for her to get through a week to be honest. So thoughts and prayers that she can make it home safely and continue with her plan.

So about burning bridges, when my wife left she called my mom and dad some words that I can't post here, too mean and crude, said she never wants to see them again except in court, etc. Then, a few months later, she asked if they're ready to call her and apologize to her yet. I asked "for what? They are upset that you left." Her answer, "they just LOVE to burn bridges, don't they?" Mind you, they literally took her in as their own daughter when we were dating because her family kicked her out. She called them mom and dad. Less than a month before she left she was calling my mom her favorite person in the world. You get the picture.

I am thrilled to hear that your wife is getting treatment and that you held your ground with healthy boundaries and went on vacation. Sending so many thoughts and prayers that she is able to continue with a good and self aware path of healing at home!

Perhaps your trip was a wake up call to her. Look up extinction bursts if you don't know what they are yet or learn more about them if you do. Be ready for some.

And make sure to study the communication tools and validate her. Treatment will probably be triggering and dysregulating for her.

It's hard enough to deal with a pwBPD. All the more so when alcohol and substances are involved!

Sounds like you're doing great, my friend. Praying for you and her and the whole family!

Thanks WhatToDo! That is definitely a great example of burning bridges you gave. It's hard to believe but they never see anything as their fault. My w is still waiting for my sisters to apologize for over 10 years ago when we got married and they didn't want to be in the wedding due to drama, then decided they wanted in. My w claims it cost her dad money (he paid for the wedding). She can't let a single thing go!

The vacation was great, but unfortunately my w left treatment after detox (1 week) and claimed the place was trying to hold patients there. I don't think she was fully invested in her recovery. At least she is sober though, and fingers crossed that that continues. This is going to be a long process (isn't is always), and I hope and pray she continues with her AA and gets a good counselor.

Thanks for your praise about the healthy boundaries. It took me a while, but as her lashing out etc got worse, I have gotten fed up and sick of wasting the best years of my life being married to someone that should know how to behave themselves.

It is hard to believe they never see anything as their fault. I think that's part of why it's so hard to find an effective treatment or therapy for BPD, even with DBT the BPD has to actually do it and stick with it, and they lack insight and consistency/a consistent sense of self to build upon. They go where their often extreme, impulsive, dark emotions lead them, and color their memory to fit their current emotional storm. I think it also has to do with a problem in their brains as backed up by brain scans and defense mechanisms learned early in life. The medical professionals I've spoken with concur.

Your wife's complaints are just like my ex's. I'll spare you the examples here but suffice it to say there are very, very, very many. They just don't let things go, yet they expect to be forgiven for everything. The double standard is very frustrating.

I also hope and pray that your wife continues with treatment and therapy!

Part of the struggle when treating a BPD is that they seek help but quickly split their helpers black as "controlling," "abusive" etc. The BPD cries for help but then blames the helper (constant see saw of abandonment and then engulfment fear and resentment). It's a cycle I saw many times and it sounds like that's what happened with her (for example, how she claimed they hold their patients there). I bet they said she did something wrong or said something she considered invalidating and she split them black. This same thing happened with the doctors and therapists that tried to treat my ex. She started off sincerely seeking help and seeming like she had insight, only to quit and blame them as "quacks" "controlling" "trying to fit her into a mold" etc.

Good job not wasting the best years of your life! Boundaries are for yourself, not for her. Her crazy will be limitless if you don't set boundaries. I think it was Skip who said on here in another thread that you have to "box in the crazy" and not live in it 24/7 or YOU will also start to feel crazy (hence BPD being called the crazy-making disease and BPD "fleas").

From what I can tell, the only way to survive a BPD relationship long term, and the only way they ever get help, is when their partner (you) has strong boundaries and doesn't enable.

Well done!

I posted another thread recently about boundaries that you may want to check out. It has some great links from this site. You probably already know much of it, but a refresher always helps, especially as your wife is likely to lash out at you and test boundaries whether or not she sticks with the recovery.

I pray that she gets and sustains treatment for the substance abuse and the BPD.

Keep us posted on here and feel free to Pvt mail me anytime (let me know here if you don't know how).

We are all rooting for you and your family and understand the struggle!

Have a calm, happy day :)