BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I decided to divorce my husband two months ago.  During that time, he ask me several times to reconsider, started therapy, and acknowledge some general mistakes.  I stated after each time, that I wanted a divorce.  I gave him a numbers of mediators to contact.  He called them but he doesn't want the start mediation till the end of May, two months away.  His reason is vague.

I can't wait two months and told him, now Mr. Hide is back.  He's rude and cussing at me.  I'm not engaging in immature behaviour and I end the conversation; still it's exhausting.

How can I move this process forward?  Why did I marry someone so cruel?

It's hard to go through a divorce no matter the circumstances. And I'm sorry to hear he's being cruel and not making this easy for you.

How long have you been married, and are there any kids involved?

Cooperation isn't something that pwBPD are known for, especially when the threat of abandonment is now actual. Dealing with stonewalling is very common of us who have walked this path.

Have you talked to a lawyer?

Hi Blue Dog,


I am sorry you are going through this situation. It sounds really tough. I am going through a similar situation with my Wife in that I have communicated many times that I am filing for divorce but the message won’t stick, nor is she accepting my decision.

I don’t know what assets you have together or kids but as has been suggested here, I would definitely speak to a lawyer. I’ve been told on here to expect the unexpected and I have now made peace with the fact that it could be a bumpy ride. On that basis, I am filing for divorce ASAP and will roll with the punches.. I’m protecting myself and defending my rights, even though it is so painful with someone you still love. I suppose that is the pattern of a pwBPD relationship.

It may be short term financial pain to pay a retainer but likely worth it in the long run. As a lawyer said to me, it takes two people to marry but only one to divorce.

I hope this goes as smoothly as possible for you. I will continue to use this forum as a resource and I hope you do the same!

Thank you for your responses.  Today he agreed to mediation but I found a lawyer in the time it took him to get to this point.  I received a email from him on mediation but yesterday, he called the police on me. 

I went to our house to pick up things.  I went with my brother because I no longer feel safe around him.  Because I wanted to take my file cabinet; he called the police fearing I might be stealing something of his.  The police came told him they could not arrest me for taking my personal properties out of my home.

This experience with the police was embarrassing. Stressful for my brother and my mom is stress out because of my husband's antics. 

I cannot wait till the divorce is final.  I am so angry at him for the turmoil he creates and that the wake is hitting my family. 

BlueDog, I feel your pain and am trailing just behind you.  My lawyer was clear that in high conflict cases that I should be prepared for this to take 1-2 years, even though 6 months could be done for non conflict cases.  I am completely no contact for now, but the battle ground will be for our 16 year old daughter.  I found a cute apartment and plan to make it cosy and make it the new sanctuary.  The best we can do is make ourselves comfortable and do the best we can while these things drag out.  It sucks, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and at the end the reward is freedom from crazy.  Something I'm looking forward to very much.

We do not have children together but he's arguing over the pets he never took care of.  I have no empathy anymore.  Now there's a police report that drags my name through the mud because he told them I was on drugs.  I don't do illegal drugs and I'm not an alcholic.  I smoke weed, which is legal recreational in my state.

My lawyer says 3-6 months.  I'm not that financial entangled but my husband is dragging it out. 

If I'm such an awful person would he want this over as soon as possible.  Anything I can do to prevent dragging?

You can only control what you have control over.  Be prepared for this to drag.  I am now entering year #3, she's at her 3rd lawyer, but now isn't responding.  All sorts of reasons to delay things.  Trial is later this year so hopefully it will be over by then. 

When you do get items specified in the framework of a court decision or order, try to anticipate your ex discovering new, even ridiculous, loopholes you thought had been avoided and have consequences in place.  For example, imagine that the court orders the sale of the house and ex tries to delay it or fails to sign required papers, the order should already contain the consequences for non-compliance.  Why?  If you don't have the consequences specified, then the court may possibly give ex more time to comply, maybe more than once.  But if the consequence is already in place then all the judge has to do is enforce it.  No excuse to wait more months for the court to figure out what to do next.

Stonewalling will be an ongoing tactic to navigate.

Control helps him regulate and he has lost control (of you) so even on small things having control will be meaningful to him. Stonewalling is a common way to regain control, especially when third party professionals get involved and expose some of the dynamics.

Stonewalling is a form of covert aggression.

Where possible, give everything a deadline and a natural next step, including how you will interpret no response or no action.

"If we do not hear from you by day/date, we will go ahead with xyz."

Use your L to communicate or use BIFF (brief, informative, firm, friendly) statements. "I received your email and will respond shortly."

Ignore rage-y messages. If they trigger you, forward his messages to a trusted ally and have them instruct you whether there's anything that requires a response.

Expect somewhere in the ballpark of 1/10 emails with anything of substance. Everything else will be fury to help manage feelings of abandonment.

In any negotiation, aim high toward something that might be more than what you think is reasonable so you can give him small wins. If he feels he's winning something (one-up position), he's more likely to budge. Only you need to know what your bottom line is.

Pets are hard. What does your lawyer say about getting your pets?

Thank you for this site.  I am venting a bit.

So this happened...

I went over to the house because the neighbor texted that our fence was damaged in the storm. 

While there I was picking up some things and I informed him I will return to get such and such items. 

This exchange was not good.  He still wanted to work things out and didn't understand why I was mad.  I repeatly informed him "You called the police on my and my brother.  You told the police I have a drug problem.  You are emotionally and verbally abusive.  You live in your own reality."  And as I was leaving he wanted to hug me. 

So on the day I came to get my things.  He changed the locks.  I called a locksmith.  His BPD-daughter called the police saying there was a break-in.  We have an alarm and he installed security cameras.  The police came and left.

He agrees to things and then calls the police; yet wants to work it out and hug me.  And his crazy actions are supported by his BPDD.  I want to scream.

He now has a lawyer; who has contacted mine.  My lawyer suggested I get everything out of house, relinguish my right to access the house and hurry the sale.

I not comfortable relinguishing my rights to the house.  What should I do and what do I need to think about.

 

3 years in and I don't even have a trial date...