BPDFamily.com

Wow.  I soo wish I knew of this forum and information decades ago.  24 years into my marriage, tons of misdiagnosis of my wife (depression, bipolar, anxiety etc.) Now I know she has BPD but isn’t diagnosed.  She has 8 of the 9 characteristics.

I really need hope/help from other spouses.  SHARING of my feelings (hurt, sadness, crushed hopes, crushed dreams, imbalance of responsibility) these should be things you can share with your best friend, roommate, and spouse.  Add BPD and things you know are complicated.  I find myself afraid of the avalanche of negative emotions that follow, and I find myself just saying it isn’t worth it to share my feelings.  The small things just build and soon I feel myself becoming toxic and broken on the inside.  A lot of these things you can’t dump on a friend, or they start to sound foolish if you vocalize them as these are basic things of course you should share with a spouse under normal conditions. 

How do you avoid the avalanche of emotions and yet tell someone with low self esteem that they have failed on something important to you? (I.e. your feelings were hurt, they didn’t follow through, they made a poor decision, you don’t agree with their actions etc.). Obviously - the big things are worth the explosion.  The everyday things are the things that pile up and break you, and make you long for greener pastures where the emotional maturity is healthy and balanced.  How do you approach your spouse with bad news in a healthy way and avoid the explosion/melt down?

This is one area I have not found much advice and I am failing.  How to avoid the explosion and yet get your own emotional needs taken care of, impact change, and not have to dump on friends/family or pay for counseling (which I finally am doing but counselor has never been married to a BPD.)  My emotional health I can fully admit is broken.

Hi Outdorenthusiast :hi: You're right. It is a struggle to go through an avalanche of emotions. Take care of your own emotional health and let out some air from the balloon before it bursts. Set time aside for yourself every day to relax or meet alone with a friend. Are you seeing a therapist?

Hi Outdoor and welcome! Very brief introduction to a very big topic. The emotions you are feeling have for sure been felt by most of the people on these forums, in one form or another. It's very common to be angry at both your spouse and yourself.

The bad news: If your W truly has BPD, there is no easy solution. It's unlikely that she will be able to listen sympathetically to you or understand how you see things. People with BPD are overwhelmed by their own emotions and are easily threatened by the emotions of others.

The good news: There is a lot you can do to learn better ways of coping. Again, no magic solutions, but much good advice is available from experienced people. If you haven't already, I strongly suggest you look at some of the items in the "Tools" section at the top of the web page, especially the books listed there. Most of us have been fools, but that doesn't mean we can't start to learn.

If you want to discuss specific situations, you will find sympathetic ears here.

"avoid the explosion and attend to your own emotional needs"

That is a great question, perhaps one of the most important. We are all learning here. As you say, the resources on the page can help a lot.

I don't know if it makes sense, it happens to me that when I want to take care of my own emotional needs, the fear of the "explosion" paralyzes me and I don't do anything, nor do I set limits or very subtle ones, I only transmit support and validation. I feel like I also have to take care of myself and transmit that validation to myself for how I feel.

I think therapy helps. I have a lot in it to be able to cope with this relationship.

Much encouragement. May you continue to find the path to your happiness together with her.

Yes - seeing a therapist and that is how I am now venting and my emotional health has improved.  However- my emotional relationship with my wife never is really healthy.  Has anyone figured out how to share emotions/feelings in a calm “safe”. dialogue?  Any tips/tricks?

Hi Outdoors and welcome.

There is so much to learn here. Throughout the past year I have managed to improve my relationship with my wife, things are more equal, she is more respectful and reasonable… all from the tools I have learnt from the good people on here and reading the recommended books. I don’t have a therapist, but tbh I feel like the experiences we all share here are extremely helpful. We have all lived the bpd spouse life, so I personally felt the advice I got here surely would outweigh what a therapist could tell me. Apparently some of them don’t know much about bpd either.

Changing my behaviour and the way I communicate with my wife has been extremely effective. She screeches and blames much less and presents generally as much more sane. There are however, things I know I can’t change. I understand that my wife is emotionally disabled, it is known as a special needs relationship, and can never be the equal supportive relationship we would all like and deserve. Sadly this does mean that I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable around her, to share fears, disappointments, or even much about physical ailments. Pwbpd like to lay claim to the victim role and my wife responds very badly if I ask her for any kind of support or display any weakness.

I know that my words may sound shocking to a person in a “normal” relationship. But the fact is that I am absolutely overjoyed at the improvement in my quality of life and happiness. I was doomed to live in hell forever in this marriage. I thought things would never change. That’s why I can accept that things are far from perfect, because they have improved beyond my wildest dreams. I even changed my name on here from broken person to thankful person.

The best book I read was “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I wanted to also make clear that I have made all of these life changes alone and my wife has no idea about any of it. It has seriously helped me having these wonderful friends and mentors on here, as of course, people we know in real life have no clue what we’re talking about with bpd problems. I couldn’t have done it without them and even now I fear I would be lost without the continued support on here.

I wish you all the best.