BPDFamily.com

Hi all - feeling a bit lost so thought I'd reach out to the fam for some support.

You can read the background to my story here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352723.msg13171622#msg13171622) to avoid repetition.

You'll see from my original post that my ex and I had been discussing reconciliation but she had (unbeknownst to me) started dating someone else. During that phase she had said she "wanted me in her life forever" by now only as friends - I was understandably pretty hurt by all of this and said that I didn't think friendship would work for me as my feelings were all over the place.

For context a lot of things had been happening in my life that we had been discussing - happily a lot of those things have gone well for me (such as getting my dream job and starting new hobbies/interests that I'd been contemplating).

Rightly or wrongly I wanted to share this information with her, I loved her and we had been discussing it so it sort of felt "right" to share the information. She had blocked me everywhere apart from WhatsApp so I had been sending her messages on WhatsApp with those updates. She had been reading those updates but not responding and had also been watching my stories and viewing other things on my SM.

At this point I felt that friendship might be something that could work, things were looking up for me and I have always been a very non-confrontational person. My view is that if you can settle things on good terms then thats a good thing.

Eventually she updated her profile picture to include a photo of her and her new boyfriend. I sent her a message and basically told her that I was happy for her and things were going well for me as well - that friendship might work and that I thought it would be positive.

A few hours later I was sent an incredibly angry message in response:

"I don't know what sort of games you are playing here, STOP trying to be nice to me I have told you a million times I don't need you to be nice to me anymore [she had literally never said that]. I have a NEW boyfriend now and I am in a HAPPY relationship, he would NOT want me speaking to you [Despite the fact she was in touch with exes when we were together]. YOU chose not to be friends when I offered it, how dare you try to change your mind."

I was them promptly blocked and appear to have been painted entirely black. I have to say I am completely baffled by all of this, I am not attempting to play games I just had a change of heart after a period of reflection and to get my emotions together.

I know from my reading that she won't see things the way I see them and I guess she probably experienced the initial "no" to the friendship offer as being an abandonment, or maybe she is just so happy with the replacement she has no use for me at all - but I am a little bit hurt that she can just change her mind on the type of relationship we have but when I attempt to do the same I am "playing games".

So it is well and truly over, and I am going to just continue developing my life (which is going well at the moment).

Has anyone else experienced this? Any insight gratefully received.

-getfree

*oof*

That must have been a gut punch, not to mention confusing though maybe not surprising? I'm sorry.

You were honest and vulnerable. Then you were honest, vulnerable, and kind, yet it wasn't reciprocated.

How might you respond if she reaches out later?

Gut punch is right!

Yes I have experienced this - and I am going to wait to hear more between you and Turkish. He's bottom lined it really well.

Hang in there.

Rev

 Sorry you are going through this. Seems like you are just being sensible and genuine and she is being full blown BPD.

 Personally I don’t see any value in staying in contact with a BPD ex unless you have kids and must contact them. If they jumped to the next it means they painted you black at least once so that will always be on the table. Why go through the headache and what’s the point ? Move on, heal, focus on yourself. The way she talked to you tells you everything you need to know.

Thanks for the response (I didn't think anyone would so haven't been online for a few days!). It was a tremendous gut punch - although I must say I wasn't surprised when she did it. She tends to posit offers as ultimatums, if you don't accept her terms immediately then she becomes incredibly angry and rageful.

One thing that did strike me as odd, is the way in which she changes "we" and "you" depending on mood. When I first said I didn't want to remain friends she categorised it in messages in a decision "we" had made but later when she was raging it became a "you".

I suppose what I've taken from this is that she was okay for us not to be friends initially but clearly wanted to have a "form" of contact by looking at my updates and me looking at hers.

Apparently I wasn't supposed to comment on them (or comment on them positively).

What will I do if she reaches out? I am really not sure, I have 100% discounted this as a possibility given the blocking everywhere and the rageful outburst, although a number of my friends have told me that they expect her to reappear eventually.

Is that likely?

Thanks Rev - what happened in your circumstances? It is very hurtful and just adds to to the drama.

The original issue was bad enough and I tried to make it "okay" between us but she is just not interested.

I was also struck by the fact she said she didnt "need" me or my good wishes anymore. I assume she's drowning in the idealisation of the new person so when she says she don't "need" me she's speaking very literally.

To be honest I've been thinking I am the unreasonable/crazy one in the latest discard round so its validating to hear that she is acting strangely.

You are right, I have been painted a very dark shade of black. I am trying to move on as I don't think we'll ever speak again anyway and I need to heal myself.

The whole process has been very damaging and it's even more upsetting that she's sailed off into the sunset with her new boyfriend happy as a claim whilst I'm still reeling

-getfree