BPDFamily.com

Hi. My wife has (I believe) undiagnosed BPD. We were in counselling 6 months ago, she stopped when the therapist highlighted inconsistencies in how she framed our situation and my wife felt ,betrayed'

Recently, I agreed to start an online course to help things, and she is connecting with what is being said and admitting that she knows she has a tendency to criticise and be sarcastic and want to stop.

Now, this is great news...but I have been so used to constant waves of criticism and accusations I just find it difficult to believe and feel like I can't let my guard down.

It may be genuine progress, but any tips from those who have seen actual change (or false dawns) is welcome. I'm so aware of not getting my hopes up and I feel weak for not trusting her intentions and the process.

Thanks

I don't know if it's a trap, but it might just be some more mind games to string you along, giving you hope that maybe things might improve at some point.

In my own marriage, on occasion, BPDxw would drop a "bomb" and admit she knew she was all wrong or at fault when we were in the depths of a fight.  And we'd calm down and talk about that.  But then like THE VERY NEXT DAY, she'd claim she never admitted anything, or I misheard her, or would just start yelling over me... anything to force her admission down the memory hole.

I am going through this now and have the exact same feelings.  Is this genuine change or is this change motivated by something else (e.g. their fear of abandonment when they think you are serious about leaving).  I don't know the answer and I don't think anyone does.  Not even your wife!

Some other things to ponder though - why change now?  Why only change now when you have presumably asked for this change before?  If it was this 'easy' for her to change, why hasn't she done so in the past?  It can trigger feelings of 'too little too late' (or in Dr Ramani's words 'too much too late).

pwBPD especially the undiagnosed ones cannot handle any level of criticism. They immediately shift blame away from them or try to make it all a "misunderstanding" which is the best case scenario. In a "misunderstanding" your BPD spouse isn't blaming you, it just isn't her fault (as usual)...the only other way is "It's all your fault". Do not fall into this trap, she is not asking for legitimate criticism. She is probing you to see if you will confirm her worst fears which is she is not viewed as being perfect.

Maybe there's a middle path. If your W does have BPD, there are degrees. Some have full blown condition and can barely sustain any relationship, some have traits that can make a relationship difficult, but not impossible.

For those who have succeeded in making progress, it is still, almost always, baby steps.

What if you accept what your W says at face value, and just wait and see what follows. You don't have to commit yourself to totally letting down your guard, but you can welcome something good, and try to think of ways you can reinforce it. If you succeed, all to the good. If it fails, you are just back where you started.