BPDFamily.com

It took me a really really long time to come to terms with the fact that my childhood was not normal and my mom  is unwell mentally but will never get help. I’ve worked really hard to mma boundaries and try to have a relationship on my terms but two years ago she received a leukemia diagnosis that cut her life expectancy down to less the five years. I’ve tried to be there but I love two hours away and no matter how much energy I put into my mom’s care neither my mom or my sister remember. All they seem to care about is the next thing I do for them. I’m so exhausted.
The reason I’m posting is today is thanksgiving and my mom and pregnant sister both have Covid (they 110% got it at my sister’s wedding last week that she planned in 10 days so “mom could see one of her daughters walk down the aisle). I was suppose to go home to take care of them but I could never get a straight answer on the situation. My mom is somehow fine, running fevers all day, bed-ridden, but doesn’t need to go to the hospital. Their plan was to have me do temperature checks every three hours (no one cares this means I’d wouldn’t sleep for two days) with three semi-working thermometers. In addition to taking care of them both (which they refused to admit they needed me to do) I was going to do chores, cook, and be grateful I get to “spend thanksgiving with mom”.  Finally, after yelling at both of them on speakerphone, since I can never just talk to one, about how if mom needs that level of care we should take her to the hospital, they told me not to come home because clearly I have ulterior motives and don’t actually want to (in addition to calling me emotional under their breath). Meanwhile, they spend the same time on the phone telling my dad who was suppose to drive me that they couldn’t take care of themselves and I’m the only person who can do it because i recently had Covid.
I’m so tired and anxious and guilty. It’s 6:15 Thanksgiving morning and I have no idea what’s the right choice. Most people say I should just suck it up and enjoy the last holiday with my mom but the idea of going into the house makes me want to die.  I know there isn’t a real solution and the intersection of terminally ill and bpd is rare, but I feel so alone I just felt like I needed to post.

Hi Mel 322,

First of all I am so sorry for these circumstances which leave you in an impossible situation.

The people who are telling you to suck it up don’t know what they are talkng about.  It isn’t likely they understand bpd and they don’t have your lived experience. If they did understand, they wouldn’t tell you to suck it up.  That’s like telling someone to go spend even more time me with their abuser, and enjoy it while you’re there.

At this point, the thing to do is called self-care.  You sound exhausted.  You have tried your hardest and already done so much.  A healthy person would have gratitude for all you have done.  But with bpd in the mix there is no gratitude.  Only entitlement and toxic feelings which get projected to us.  They have no boundaries for their demands and are not capable of considering our needs. Instead of gratitude it is blame, gaslighting, and being told we are the selfish and uncaring ones.  

I get it.  I’ve been there too and still am, but my mom wasn’t diagnosed terminal, although she is 86, frail, and refuses assisted living (won’t even go look at it). She also has serious cognitive decline. My mom even cancelled her home care.  Since then her health has worsened significantly.  Meanwhile people who know her ask me about her all the time in the grocery store.  “How’s your mom doing?  Does she live with you”?

It’s awful.  They don’t understand because they don’t have the lived experience.  

pwBPD are completely irrational.  It is so frustrating because they make terrible decisions and there is nothing we can do to change that.  Would you agree that trying to talk to them makes it worse?

I believe it’s because it’s not possible to “rationalize” with a disease.

Do what you need to do to save your self, because we can’t rescue them from themselves.  If you need a rest from the caretaking, then give yourself a rest.  You should be able to do that.

It sounds like home care could be helpful in this situation.  Would your mom be open to that?  Or can you talk to her doctor about it?  If she refuses it, that’s on her.

Many of us here also have a counselor/therapist.  Do you already see someone, or is this a possibility for you?

Welcome to the forum. Post as often as you like.  We are here for you.  Take care

Ps.  Sorry I just re-read the title and see it’s narcissism instead of bpd.  Ultimately it doesn’t change my response- we still have to take care of ourselves.  There has to be a boundary for how much you can do or they will suck the life right out of you.  There also has to be boundaries on how we allow ourselves to be treated.