BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am here because I suspect that my husband has BPD. He rages at me and accuses me of things no one has ever accused me of before. Our marriage has been incredibly unhappy from the beginning. For some reason I thought that I could show him he was worthy of love and he would realize that, but it hasn't happened in 10 years.

His anger and rage seems to go in cycles. There are times he can seem to be nice and rational, and other times he doesn't seem to make sense at all. We have 2 children and he is currently the sole financial provider. I am worried about how his behavior will affect the children, and also worried about how we will manage if I were to leave the marriage. We are currently living abroad for his job, and have a wonderful life aside from our relationship.

I'm not sure if this was enough information to include. It seems a bit overwhelming, but I am grateful to have found this site and any support from it.
Thank you. :)

Hi Amelia516, welcome to the group  :hi:

You're in the right place if you're wondering if your spouse may have BPD. The cycle of rage and accusation, to niceness and rationality, and back to rage, is familiar to so many members here.

It sounds like you've already tried the approach of: "If I can just prove to him that he's worthy of love, he'll realize it on his own, and things might get better" -- and it didn't work. That's one of the difficult and sad things about BPD -- for the partners to change, they have to want to do the inner work on their own, and because deep shame is a part of BPD, it is challenging for pwBPD (persons with BPD) to stick to effective therapy. Not impossible, just difficult.

Fortunately, even though we can't control what a partner does or doesn't do, there are things we can do and learn -- nonintuitive tools and skills -- that can start making things "less worse" and that can "stop the bleeding" as is often said around here.

These tools and skills aren't a magic wand where the relationship will then be completely wonderful and just like a "normal" relationship. Often, relationships with pwBPD are described as "emotional special needs" relationships. Just like we wouldn't expect a person using a wheelchair to be able to walk up stairs, we also need to recalibrate our thoughts about what pwBPD are emotionally capable of. Once we accept those limitations, there can sometimes be more peace in the relationship.

Anyway, all that to say -- you did include a perfect amount of information  |iiii Always feel free to share at a level that's comfortable to you. As you get settled in here, I'd invite you to check out our section of articles on "When a partner/spouse has BPD" (https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-4-cols). See if any of that resonates with you.

One question before I wrap up: how old are your kids?  How have they been doing with the conflict?

Let us know how you're doing, whenever works for you, and again, welcome;

-kells76

Welcome to the group! I am new here as well. Let's rise together!

Hello Amelia516-

I am also new to this group. I have found the support and the tips and tools to be very helpful. It's nice to know that you are not "crazy" and other people go through the same thing that you do. I found this forum when reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I highly recommend it!

Hi Amelia,

For me it was a big step to recognize that my marriage had been unhappy from the beginning. I knew it yet denied it for so many years. I thought, If only I could do better at X, then maybe it will work. The times of regulation were confusing because he was just fine then and I had the marriage I wanted. I tried to hold on to the good and forget about the bad, but over time I became resentful.

Slowly, marital and individual counseling helped me see the patterns and supported me in that what I was asking for was totally reasonable.

Are there small steps you can take toward building more independence or even just doing things you like and having friends so you are not so isolated? I've found the small step process helpful: it doesn't commit me to anything major but over time creates more options and a sense of empowerment.