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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting => Topic started by: tranch on January 16, 2023, 06:47:11 PM



Title: Home neither of us could afford alone, 15 y.o. son. how to separate?
Post by: tranch on January 16, 2023, 06:47:11 PM
Hi all, I'm back after many years when this all was new. Young college sweethearts, married right out of school, had a kid 2 years later. Married 17 years now with a several month separation in the middle.

We had a resurgence of hope 6 years ago, after moving to a new area, my wife was stable for a couple years (since we got back together). She was seeing pros, we got licensed to foster, approved by those pros, after a couple toddlers we got a 2 day old baby and raised her till 14 months. Offered to adopt but she was placed with her bio grandma. Got to see her a couple more years then grandma decided to cut it off. About the time our foster experience ended, my middle school son got in some trouble for inappropriate attention getting. Therapists at the time and now have called it normative, but unfortunately it was a huge trigger and has caused my wife anxiety and fear (runaway imagination) to this day, even though son is a very normal and kind 15 yo today.

3 years ago we moved a short distance to a house in the woods. My wife dreamed/dreams of a hobby homestead (gardening and chickens for example).

She really has never recovered since fostering. It's like every trigger is added to a giant ball of yarn, and her despair and resentment towards life is huge at this point. She often takes this out on me, I'm in that resentment ball too. I'm human, I sometimes make validation mistakes, I get offended and turn thi gs back on her when she accuses me of making her like this (destroying her). But in general, I've been here for her, I've poured a ton of love into her, keep everything afloat as a si gle breadwinner and basically the parent that does all the tricky parenting stuff. Basically far more than my fair share (and no I do NOT say that to her). I don't need to go on I'm sure many of you are in my boat and hear what I'm saying.

Past year thoughts of divorce have been more consistent, especially since she introduced it a few months ago in a rage (of course in those moments it's because SHE needs freedom from ME. My need to control everything (and its true I'm more on the logical, practical side, but I'm also single handedly keeping this ship afloat) crushes "everyone's" spirit. I guess this is an important piece of context: sons gotten heavily into competitive video games since pandemic. He's downstairs now laughing and chatting it up with a couple friends. He's on an esports team at school and gets a ton of his needs met by it (friends, play, competition). But at her begging at the end of this past summer, we stopped putting limits on his screen time (except school nights) because he just needed to figure it out. Valid attempt. I understood and agreed, partially because it was causing a ton of strain, with all her fingers pointed at me for being controlling. Well he's bright, but he's got ADHD. He did NOT figure it out. He needs to be reminded to eat sometimes. He agrees to take a half hour off to exercise, but he doesnt unless hes reminded or obligated. He needs limits and structure reinstated. On a weekend for example, if we don't have plans (which we often dont) he can start at 10 am and go past midnight with maybe half hour off his ass. Note I do have him do work or join us for meals, bit basically its like the horse has been let out of the pen, and at this point, a lot of things are suffering because of how hard it is to reign him back in. It's really hard to say, let's eat dinner together 4 nights a week when mom is absolutely unpredictable, and even triggered by a meal after which he rushes away from without any good conversation.

Over the past couple months I've been feeling that it's impossible for me to parent well with her here. I'm also grieving my own lost time with him. I'm grieving all the weekends lost, the years that I didn't take him camping because of the constant burden of...well you all know too well enough right?

I'm starting to feel like I can't waste more of my life, and that my son needs some good parenting in these last couple years I'm guaranteed to have him around.

Such a heartbreaking consideration though, it's so easy to have this unrealistic hope that she'll get better, and that she deserves good time with him too, and that separating could easily send her even darker.

I'm writing this after a rough evening (this is probably common right?). She was sad since waking up, sitting there sort of crying, sad and mad. I was WFH. But I sat with her for a while, even got some laughs out of her. Offered many things. When I saw her around lunch, she was in the same state but one of those silent sadnesses. again I sat with her a while, 45 minutes just in case I could help. On my way to pick up my son from school I called her psychiatrist. she'd missed her recent appointment, and recently cancelled her therapy appointments (at a place specializing in DBT and really just in her prep phase) after late canceling about a month in a row. I asked her if I could set a psychiatrist appointment for later in the week and I could take her. I leave a message with the Dr's staff to ask her to call back so I can ask her what I can do next (since she's showing no sign of getting back into care). "No one knows how to help me."

I get home, she's sobbing in our room, and she starts chanting to me, "no one gives a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about my pain!" over and over. it's sad to see her practically building a new effed up path in her mind. Well I can smell alcohol and I see a drink there. I try to calm her, ask her if I can get her some water. The psychiatrist calls me back (she's great). I explain to her what's currently going on and confirm she's not actively suicidal but earlier had her typical ideation. She recommended the ER and the in patient. I tell her we've been through this pattern and 5 days later she's home. She still persists in the recommendation, really urging me to get an ambulance. She talks to my wife who confirms everything, plus shares she's been dri Kong since she woke but says "absolutely not going to inpatient." as I'm finishing the call, my wife walks out the door on her way down the fortunately long driveway. Thankfully our puppy follows her and she can't get him to stay home.

She threatens me that if the cops show up she's out the back door. she literally has her stuff ready and I absolutely believe her. I sit with her...I basically get assurance she's safe and she's done for the day...she agrees. she's quiet but shes mad at me of course, because i ratted on her and she doesnt want me to rat on her, and i did all this to her and i dont give a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about her pain. World record ball of yarn.

I keep an eye on her and she's asleep in 15 minutes.

So like I've thought once a week the past couple months. I just think I'm done. I think I need the guts to be done. But I guess back to my headline, here are a couple things I'm confused about. I want stability for my son. I could probably pay the bills for our "homestead" and pay alimony, if I'm frugal. this place was her dream and she's going to feel like I'm trying to destroy her and have it all, including our son.

He's got a lot going for him, but still having challenges of being a 15 yo with Adhd, and i think some tendency towards depression and anxiety. I feel like he needs to stay here, and him with me, ND she needs to leave.

I think I should attempt to have full decision making parenting rights, because I worry she could do something drastic. like move to Alaska then say she gets him for part of the time.

She could not take care of this place on her own, financially or practically. But how do you go about telling someone you need them to leave, with...all that could go wrong.

If you read all this, you're amazing. Thanks


Title: Re: Expensive home in the woods, 15 y.o. son, shes imploding. how to separate?
Post by: ForeverDad on January 16, 2023, 10:12:58 PM
We had a resurgence of hope 6 years ago, after moving to a new area, my wife was stable for a couple years (since we got back together). She was seeing pros, we got licensed to foster, approved by those pros, after a couple toddlers we got a 2 day old baby and raised her till 14 months. Offered to adopt but she was placed with her bio grandma. Got to see her a couple more years then grandma decided to cut it off.

Looking back and considering the current family status, I think you would agree that the family adopting the child was a blessing in disguise for that child.  Having an adopted child would probably not have avoided her mental issues developing and would have made a divorce now even more complicated than it already is.

I think I should attempt to have full decision making parenting rights, because I worry she could do something drastic. like move to Alaska then say she gets him for part of the time.

She could not take care of this place on her own, financially or practically. But how do you go about telling someone you need them to leave, with...all that could go wrong.

Yes, if divorcing, do not hesitate to disclose her mental health history to the professionals.  For your son's sake and as the reasonably normal parent, you need to seek and strategize to obtain as much custody and parenting responsibility as possible.  A lawyer will describe whether your state can assign you Decision Making, Tie Breaker Status or similar options.

Well, one side benefit of divorcing is that family court will step in and set orders ( = Boundaries) as the Authority greater than either of you.  She won't be able to move him away without the court's permission.  (She's an adult and could decide to leave, but not take him without court's approval.  This is where consulting now with potential local lawyers and seeking their legal experiences and strategies (and the peer support here) will help you avoid common mistakes and missteps.  Remember, consultations are for you and therefore both private and confidential.

On the bright side, in a few years your son will be an adult and she won't be able to force him, he would have aged out of any orders.  Even now he's probably near the age where he might "vote with his feet" but that could be a two-edged sword if she has influence over him.


Title: Re: Home neither of us could afford alone, 15 y.o. son. how to separate?
Post by: tranch on January 17, 2023, 08:22:25 AM
Yes, I know what you mean about the foster/adoption scenario. I think I/we want to believe so badly when things are going well. A couple good years really can feel like forever. As much as I believe we could have all been great together, I was/should have been worried that one significant challenge can easily send the bpd family into a spiral.

Now it's been a couple darker years. I look at my Journaling for the past 2 years and see I've been in the same place, reading notes from 2 years ago that could describe what I went through today.

Thanks for the practical notes regarding decision making for my son. This is new territory.