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I've been trying to hold it all together, trying to help my pets, trying to overcome my grief, trying to work through the anger, trying to be vigilant around my Dad, trying to hold my own standards of behavior in check, when everything was a struggle, trying to journal, trying to reach out, trying to have fun, trying to use the wisdom I have to help me, trying to be grateful, trying to see the good in myself, trying to take care of my responsibilities, it I just felt like I was gonna pop.

And I gave up, I gave up all my hope, and I laid in bed and cried. I cried that everything I've been going through has happened, that all these people betrayed me, that life has been so hard, that I've struggled so much to find some silver lining, to hold it all together, to have to answers, to ground myself. And I felt the struggle wear on me so much, and I gave up, I gave up on it all. And I could finally find some peace, some peace in the sorrow, in the confusion, in the hopelessness.

I'm not saying hopelessness is a good way of life, but when you keep trying for something you can't have right now, you're at a dead end, and finding some peace in the sorrow, there's freedom in it. I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to try, or what things will look like. I don't know what I'm doing, I thought I could manage this, but I haven't been able to.

I'm not gonna hope much tonight, or if I do, it'll be a shred of hope here and there, a hope to have a small shred of something good. So I can build on that, instead of wanting more than I can have from life right now. It's been so hard. But this is what I need right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe it won't. But tonight, I'm gonna cry so I can rest in peace.

I've hear you.

It sounds like your situation is very difficult.

Might I suggest doing some self-care.

Exercise, get outside and walk/run/hike, etc.

Or, treat yourself to a nice movie, or something similar.

Take care of you, so you can feel better.

Yeah, I agree, I'm trying for sure, but a lot of what I need now is rest. Have had so much anxiety, that I've been having severe burnout.

Thanks for your response.

Then get some sleep, that too is self care.  I know that is easier said than done, at the peak of my anxiety, I was only sleeping 4 hours a night.  Perhaps do something to the point of exhaustion [without endangering yourself and/or others] and then sleep.

melatonin, or sleeping pills could help.

I can relate.  Because of my faith, I had a really hard time letting go at first...surely it would work out, wouldn't it?  But spiritually, we're supposed to let the past go since it holds us down in chains; we can't change the past and we're not supposed to focus on it.  The marriage I had is dead, and I'll never go back to that dysfunction because I deserve to be loved for me.

Now, that doesn't mean we can't reconcile some day and start over fresh, but I've learned (for me anyway) that I can't dedicate all my faith and hope towards that outcome.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn't, it doesn't.  But I need to focus on me and what makes me happy, what fulfills me today. 

I have no control over what my ex does, so why should I worry about it?  That's her burden, not mine.

Faith makes it that much harder.  I am torn in DBT 'wise mind'.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

My logic tells me this is very toxic and unhealthy.

My faith [emotions] tells me to love and to be by her side in [mental] sickness.

As long as she is trying to do the right thing, I will be there for her.

If she rejects me, then she is not a person of faith and this will free me.

I know there are many arguments, and there is a separate thread on this at:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209776

So, I do think I've been focusing too much on the past, but at the same time, from my experience, you sometimes need to, for instance in the case of grief. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm falling into a victim mentality, where I'm using the past to see myself as a victim, where as, normally, I look at the past, and see how far I've come, and what I can learn.

Also, if you've lost people you love, they always stick with you, to varying degrees, but I agree, you don't want to get stuck there. At the same time, it's important to revisit trauma if it's unresolved, but you don't want to live there, often times, from my experience, the trauma will come to you, if you let it, you don't have to search it out so hard.

I think you are just in an unwinnable situation currently and because of that you are stuck in analysis paralysis mode. However, I definitely encourage the self-reflection as that will help you considerably.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey SinisterComplex, thanks for your response.

I do think I'm in an impossible situation, where I'm relying on someone, I can't rely on, and who will do all sorts of screwed up stuff, if things go south, or if I call him out on anything, or push him in any way. Like he does seem to do the bare minimum well, if I ask nicely, am flexible, ask in advance when possible, and say how it's essential.

But who wants to live at the bare minimum all the time? He doesn't do what it takes to live a better life for himself, and doesn't really do much to do that for others either. He just wants things to be easy, I suppose he has depression and is older, but it's not like I haven't shown concern, or offered all sorts of possibilities for him, he just doesn't want to help himself.

The hard part is feeling like you're unsafe, like if you get too weak, or too hurt, you'll get abused again, or maybe others will too. The hard part is feeling like you're the only one willing to rise to any sort of occasion, the hard part is being so confused about who he really is, when sometimes he seems to have a good demeanor, and it seems somewhat genuine.

I do reflect a lot, sometimes too much. I had a good day today, because I didn't focus on it much at all, and just lived life, even with my Dad, we worked together on a few tasks, and I just did some stuff, and it felt good. The only power I truly have is what I do now. I may have been powerless in the past, but I'm not now, so I have to use the power I have now.

Tonight I feel angry again though, and I've locked myself in my room, I know working through this is part of the process, but it can't be rushed, not this time, it's too much to bare.

I can relate, and it took me a while to realize that I don't want to be the victim in my own story anymore.  I had similar challenges- having to rely on my ex while she was notoriously unreliable.  So I fixed that, I don't rely on her for anything anymore.  Does she still need saving?  YES, but it's not my job or anyone else's job to save her.  She chose her path and she can crash and burn all by herself.

To summarize, I'm not the hero or the victim in my own story.  I'm just me and it's a much better place to live in this world.  You have to get to that place as well, where you're generating your own happiness by focusing on the now and tomorrow.  You can't change the past, no matter how hard you try, and eventually you're going to have to just let it go.  Who did what really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and it's not healthy to over-analyze it.

Your "power", as you called it, is being true to yourself and figuring out what fulfills you outside of a dysfunctional relationship.

Pook075 I mean, the thing is, I already do generate a lot of my own happiness, but the weight of it all is really hard to fight against. I mean, you don't want to be a victim and you do have to let it go, I know how to let go of pain, I've done it countless times as I've worked through other griefs and traumas. But you let it go when you're able, you can't will it to be. You can't force someone to get over a breakup instantly or something. A lot of this is fresh for me. I think the important part for me, definitely moderating how much I focus on it, how much I worry/focus on the past, because those are rabbit holes, are damned near endless.

Oh gosh, hopefully I didn't come across as judgmental or anything.  If I did, I truly apologize.  All I meant was that you have the strength to choose a different path.  Believe it or not, happiness is a choice. 

Again, I'm truly sorry if I came across as minimizing anything you're going through.  I was destroyed the first several months and couldn't tell the difference between up and down.  I completely understand the pain you must feel and the pace of recovery is different for everyone.

I mean, I agree with you to some extent. I've cultivated good attitudes, like self appreciation, recognizing my own strengths and weaknesses, being non judgmental, love, compassion, equanimity, wisdom, gratitude. But a good attitude doesn't make getting hit by a train not hurt, it can help you recover though.