BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: NarcsEverywhere on January 30, 2023, 07:05:33 AM



Title: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: NarcsEverywhere on January 30, 2023, 07:05:33 AM
So, I've been burned by quite a few Narcissists lately, and it's caused an extreme loss of trust. And honestly, it's eating at me, I can't keep living like this. It's causing too much suspicion, over analyzing, and catastrophic thinking. I suppose I don't think everyone is out to get me, but it's like, I'm assuming far too much stuff, that I wouldn't normally assume, because I think things are worse than they are.

Also, I feel like my self esteem is really low, and I'm taking everything personally, when normally I wouldn't take things personally. I suppose that's because when you get close to people, it is personal. Losing a loved on is personal, having someone close to you betray you is personal, it's personal to you, because it hurts. But I'm taking everything personally, like everything is about me or something? I dunno, I feel like I'm developing my own Narcissism here, lol.

I just need to have fun I guess and stop focusing on it all, but it's hard when you feel so betrayed by people you care/cared for. I'm used to focusing on my suffering and healing from it, quite effectively, but lately it's like, instead of healing me, it's eating me up. I don't know where the lines are with trusting people, I don't know how much to trust, who to trust, I don't/can't know peoples motivations.

I suppose I feel so damned hurt and betrayed, and like all this assuming the best in people was so wrong, and now I don't even trust my own judgment? It's not like I was completely diluted before either, I saw a lot of peoples dysfunction and became more immune to it, but since their behavior always turned out to be worse than even I realized, it's hard to trust myself.

I just feel so hurt, I want to protect myself, I want to protect myself so bad, that it's driving me crazy. I need to focus on what I can do to improve my own behavior, and life. I need to focus on enjoying myself. I need to love myself more, because I don't know what to do really. I've tried my best to think effectively, applied all my old tools, used all the wisdom I've developed over the years, and I still feel like curling in a ball, hiding away, and yet I get up everyday and fight the fear, the loneliness and try to be strong, and I'm tired, I'm tired of living in fear, in suspicion, and mistrust.

Out of it all, I think that's what this has all taken from me most, is my sense of safety.


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: NarcsEverywhere on February 02, 2023, 06:40:48 PM
Dealing with people who are so dishonest, who betray you on such a deep level, it's heart breaking. I feel so angry at people. I don't think it's a lot to ask to at least try to be honest. I've gone through 4 friendships/relationships with dishonest people recently. It's really hard to take. I don't even have high expectations of people normally.

And yet, a lot of people can't even meet the bare minimum of my expectations. Like don't screw people over a ton, just to get what you want. Like, not say one extreme thing, and then do the opposite extreme thing, especially when they are such important things.

Obviously I need to pick better people to get close to, and be more wise about how much I trust people, and how quick. But it just blows my mind that there's so much dishonesty, with the people, who I've been close to. I can even understand a lot of the reasons, it doesn't make it much better for me. I feel like people should expect a bare minimum of behavior from themselves. You slip up? That's fine, but don't be a pathological liar, especially at such a high cost to others.

I just feel so angry, I'm tired of putting my heart into people, and then having them totally mistreat it. I have a lot of behaviors I want to work on from this. But tonight, I'm just pissed, and rightfully so in my opinion. I deserved way better than this.


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: Turkish on February 02, 2023, 08:47:46 PM
This is a boundaries VALUES issue, yes?

I hear you. I have two close friends from my teenage years (35-ish years) who are a bit cocky and blunt, which I'm not. Yet they are honest to a fault, and thus align with my values.


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: SinisterComplex on February 02, 2023, 10:10:00 PM
Dealing with people who are so dishonest, who betray you on such a deep level, it's heart breaking. I feel so angry at people. I don't think it's a lot to ask to at least try to be honest. I've gone through 4 friendships/relationships with dishonest people recently. It's really hard to take. I don't even have high expectations of people normally.

And yet, a lot of people can't even meet the bare minimum of my expectations. Like don't screw people over a ton, just to get what you want. Like, not say one extreme thing, and then do the opposite extreme thing, especially when they are such important things.

Obviously I need to pick better people to get close to, and be more wise about how much I trust people, and how quick. But it just blows my mind that there's so much dishonesty, with the people, who I've been close to. I can even understand a lot of the reasons, it doesn't make it much better for me. I feel like people should expect a bare minimum of behavior from themselves. You slip up? That's fine, but don't be a pathological liar, especially at such a high cost to others.

I just feel so angry, I'm tired of putting my heart into people, and then having them totally mistreat it. I have a lot of behaviors I want to work on from this. But tonight, I'm just pissed, and rightfully so in my opinion. I deserved way better than this.

So NE to kind of help you navigate people as a whole. Lying is inherently human and the only way to handle the negative emotions you feel is to shift your expectations. Expecting everyone to be 100% completely honest is just not realistic. In essence, lower your standards or expectations a bit by expecting people to not be completely truthful with you and I think it will relieve a little bit of pressure for you.

Why do I say this? Psychology and human behavior are quite complex and most people are not the type to say what they mean and mean what they say. Many people struggle with being able to communicate their thoughts in a coherent way.

If it helps to understand where I am coming from...years ago back in my educational training for interrogation it was illuminating to find out how much people tell you before they open their mouth. With that in mind here comes a complex notion...perhaps when you think people are lying to you...perhaps they are with their words, but are conflicted and for lack of a better way of putting it not developed enough to know how to make how they feel and what they think and say match up. For example...in anger saying I hate you when the reality is that person saying I hate you truly loves you so much. Sounds wild, but that is typical and that is why they say there is a thin line between love and hate.

Perhaps you will find it shocking that most people's initial instinct is to lie. Why? Because we as humans naturally want to serve our own self-interests.

I've managed a lot of people and studied a lot of people...I know when they are full of S :cursing:, but just because I know they may be lying to me about something doesn't mean I view it as a betrayal. In that context it is certainly situational.

The best approach to have is to trust that everyone will always serve their own self-interest.

Give yourself a break my friend. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: NarcsEverywhere on February 02, 2023, 11:06:32 PM
Hey Turkish, thanks for responding. Yeah, I'd prefer pretty honest people, easier to work with. Obviously some honesty can be destructive. I tend to fall on the more brutally honest side, but I've learned to bite my tongue. I do think this is a very important trait when I connect to people, and try to find more friends.

Hey SC, thanks for responding. Yeah, well I did used to kind of expect brutal honesty, but I don't anymore. I think I have lowered my standards. I try to read people, I know people pretend a lot, because of shame and such. I know I have to be observant to navigate people, because people aren't always honest, I can live with that. I am not always honest, because of my own issues with fear of rejection and shame, but I try to come from a genuine place, because I think if you don't, you're living a lie. Which in turn, makes it so you have a relationship based on lies, and a life based on lies, and you're left with a big sham, that's not worth much.

This is true, not all lying is equal. I guess the lying I've been dealing with, seems pretty extreme. Where I'll try to be considerate and sensitive, and ask repeatedly if something bothers someone, and then they lie repeatedly, and it turns out to be an issue. How am I supposed to work with that? I'm not psychic... Also just all these manipulation tactics just feel like such a betrayal, that I feel so angry about it. I didn't realize how pervasive they were with 3/4 of the people I've lost recently (counting my Dad, since I've lost a lot of him now).

The fact that these deceptions have had such a devastating impact on me, is what upsets me the most. It's like, these people I care/cared about were willing to destroy me on such a deep level, all for their benefit. Like literally destroy my mind, and my sense of safety, my sanity, and my personhood, all for some sick need to control. When I see through the reasons why, I feel sorry for them, but it still seems sick.

I think anger is a completely normal feeling in this circumstance, I don't think my expectations are way out of wack, I'm just dealing with a lot of betrayal now. To me anger is about loving yourself. It's saying "I deserved better, because I'm worth more than this". This doesn't mean you have to take everything personally, but I always learn something from anger, some new standard I need to apply in my life, to enhance my self worth. Although, I'm not saying anger is always rational or correct, because it's not.

I see what you mean though, not everyone can express themselves or understand themselves properly, or know how to be genuine, I do actually think I'm a bit judgmental about that right now, because I'm so angry about it all, but normally, I'm more understanding about it.

Thanks for both of your responses!


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: Turkish on February 02, 2023, 11:54:15 PM
It might help to think that it isn't about you.

My ex left me for a guy 20 years my junior and 10 hers, then married him. As they say in the sit com scripts, "hilarity ensued."

Cops (multiple times), mutual DV (our kids witnessed one incident and D awoke to cops the following Christmas Eve), him being arrested for resisting arrest and slammed. A RO against his brother. None of that is normal.


Title: Re: Extreme loss of trust
Post by: NarcsEverywhere on February 03, 2023, 12:17:05 AM
It's true, I am taking it really personally, where as normally I don't take much personally. I guess I take close relationships more personally, but I think that is normal isn't it? I know when I suffer grief, I go through all sorts of emotions that are more personal like this, because I was close to the person. I think that's natural. I trusted these people, with a level of intimacy, that they didn't deserve. Some of my own issues played into it all, so I bare some responsibility for sure.

I agree though, it is about them mostly, they're not healthy people, I get that. It's just sort of such a shock to me? Like, when you trust someone, you develop a level of expectations based on that trust, and since my judgment of them was off the mark so much, especially with my Dad, I feel a sense of shock and disbelief about it all. I think my anger stems from this shock/disbelief. Like my world feels so shattered, because the people in my life weren't the people that I thought they were. I knew they had issues and I saw through quite a bit of it, but obviously not enough.

I guess I feel angry that my life is changing so much, angry that my judgment was off so much, angry that I trusted these people, angry that my Dad, who I thought was better than this, isn't. I feel angry that all of the people I could be emotionally open with about personal stuff, dried up so fast, and my journaling just isn't cutting it. I suppose I'm overwhelmed and need to find a way to make things easier on myself. To be kinder to myself, more patient about what I'm going through.

Thanks Turkish, I think you helped me realize a lot, I think it might help me! I'm gonna rest, been feeling wiped for hours.