BPDFamily.com

Well, two months or so since I posted I think.

I thought I was doing better for a while in the fall.  I had blocked her socials when she started posting photos of her and my replacement because ... I couldn't.  It just made me sick (it's in older posts for anyone interested).

I still thought about her all the time but I was able to function a bit more on myself instead of constantly needing to surround myself with people to avoid being alone with my heartache.  Things were starting to feel a bit brighter.

Then the holidays came around and I just found myself enjoying things less and less.  Random dreams about her, some good, some bad.  Then one night I drank too much and called her.  Straight to voicemail.  She had blocked my number.

I know it's hypocritical to be hurt being blocked but I was more mad at myself for (I hate using this term towards human beings) relapsing.

I had a dream the other night that hurt a lot.  She asked me to drop her off at a market and come back for her.  I was following her around because I did not fully trust what she said she was planning to do.  She was dressed in an outfit she would never wear.  And at the end of the dream she introduced me to this guy friend that I could tell was in no way shape or form a platonic friend (also a guy that was the opposite of her real world type).

Obviously some trust issues coming up there.

I try to see people when I can but I only know so many people.  And my job passed me over for a promotion after stringing me along for 5 months so that's just one more thing piling up.

Things are rough.  It was around last time last year when our affair started.  I know it wasn't sunshine or roses.  I know she put me in some bad situations.  I know she ultimately abandoned me and lied to me about why she did.

I know I deserve better.  But falling back on yourself gets old for someone like me.

I'm tired of missing her.

AdRock—chiming to say that I read your post, and I empathize. Grief is nonlinear, I’ve had many hard days and lapses over the past 8 months since my breakup. Including some futile attempts to reconnect with my ex. Please try to give yourself some grace.

Your feeling tired of missing your ex also really resonates with me. I promise you, as hard as everything is right now, it won’t feel this way forever.

What can you do today to take your mind off things, even if just for a few minutes?