BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone,

I have been reading on these forums a lot to gain some insight, but I need to get this off my chest. My situation is that I have been dating a woman with BPD for the last two years. It was always very on and off. I wanted her badly, tried dating others in between and could never bring myself to it. She would always date other people when we were off. All Off-times were initiated by her every time she lost feelings for me again. I fought terribly for her. Gave her space when she needed it. Allowed her back in close when she needed it. I went to therapy after about 1 year of this because I didn’t understand what was happening. I really thought I need to learn how to keep her close, but of course therapy taught me more about myself, my own insecurities, My Hero- and Saving wishes that I just can’t seem to have fulfilled. Until a wonderful day last year where she came close once again and it was different this time. She was very open and in love with me, more than ever before. And she asked me to be in a relationship. Finally! All my wildest fantasies came true to finally be able to be all there for her. I was planning everything with her, want to go on vacation, I spend  the holidays with her, told everyone of my friends and family about how this is the woman I will live with  now that we are together. Well. Turns out you can’t really save anyone. It lasted 3 months. After new years she just vanished from my life again, was very distant. At least she agreed to meet up in person, was very cold and broke up with me. Told me she just can’t be in a relationship and is severely stressed by it and lost her feelings for me. It hit me like a truck. I felt like a fool for believing this time it would be different. I felt like a fool for opening up to het after all the experiences we had. And still I just didn’t have it in me to hate her. I feel sorry for her and said I am there for her as a friend if she needs it. And now I feel even more stupid since she just doesn’t contact me anymore and I think wow - I am not even as a friend worthy to be kept in her life. Also from social media interactions I see that she talks to someone else, whopping two weeks after she broke up with me. I for sure know that I need another year of therapy before I can even think of dating again. It is the worst thing ever for me. I don’t know, I just thought once we have a relationship everything would turn out to be good and that is why the pain is so much worse than at any other point in our dating history. I know that I need to let her go now. I know I need to take care of myself now and I have no intention of reaching out to her. I know all of that. But I guess I just needed to vent about my pain and how I can’t get my head around how quick and dirty everything fell to pieces. I hope in the future I will never be treated like that ever again. Even if means not having that intensity of admiration in between. It is not worth it, I guess… I just never loved someone like that. The first person that I could think of a future with. I don’t fall in love easily. Hard to let it go not knowing if I ever feel like that for someone again.

Hi Christin, welcome to the group -- this is really a place that "gets it" about how breaking up with a pwBPD (person with BPD, whether diagnosed or not) is not a run-of-the-mill breakup.

So glad you are feeling like this is a safe place to get this stuff out of your head and "on paper". I'm just hearing from you how intense it all was, both the really good times and the shocking coldness. And how much it hurts to experience that turn from "you're the love of my life, we'll travel together" to "I have zero feelings for you".

Good to hear that you're open to therapy to keep processing the shock and hurt. It's definitely a process, and having someone skilled walking with you makes a huge difference.


That's so painful to know that you take a while to trust and love, and then for her to treat you that way.

Keep getting stuff out here, whenever you need to. We get it. And whenever you are open to learning some more, check out our article on Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality) -- so much of it reminded me of how you described your situation. Feel free to share your thoughts on it, if it seemed to resonate with you.

Again, welcome;

kells76

Hey Christin,

I mean, it sounds like your attitudes are good, you want to work on yourself, and heal, that's exactly what you need. I know you say that "she doesn't want to be friends with me, even", but I'd ask yourself, are you sacrificing your self respect, to even be friends with her anyway? Pretty much all of us here, have sacrificed our self respect and self worth for these relationships. Also, is she really worthy of being your friend? When you've bent over backwards and she still treats you like you're worthless sometimes.

It's confusing though, because the good times are so good. It feels like you're on cloud 9, because they copy you, to try to pander to you, and to compensate for their weak identity, and you feel like you found someone who finally understands you. I hate to say this to people, but it wasn't real. At the very least, it was a delusion in her mind. But it's confusing, because it gets so deep into your core, the hope, the love. And then the reality of it, falls flat when they treat you like dirt.

Hope you feel better, it's tough to make sense of these things. Keep caring for yourself, and you'll heal. This is a good place to come, you can hear other stories, and get some help, from people who are experienced at these things, and can hopefully point you in the right direction, and give you support. Good luck.