BPDFamily.com

Hi I'm brand new to the site and am here because I am my wits end and have no idea what to do about my step daughter who has been diagnosed with BPD. I have been married to her dad for the last 20 years and we have a 12 year old son. We have recently brought a house and she is living with us for the 1st time ever, she is 22 years old and i absolutely hate living with her, I have no idea how to handle her, she has done some terrible things which involved the police having to be called on at least 3 occassions, the last situation  ended up with me having a physical fight with her and telling her and her bio mum that she can no longer live with us. She apologised profusely promised she would change, she knows this is her absolute last chance with me but she is slowly going back to all her old ways, her mood swings are unbelievable. I regret letting her stay but thought i would give her one last chance. If she kicks off again she is out but it is so hard trying to keep up with the mood swings on a day to day basis, it really really gets me down living with her i have tried so hard to be there i have gone way above and beyond step mum duties but it always gets thrown back in my face and she is unbelievably rude to her dad. Kicking her out would be a huge step and would mean she would probably never speak to her dad again but she is making the whole house miserable

There is nothing you can do. She's 22, kick her out. These "people" ruin your life with 1000 little cuts. Give your husband the ultimatum of you and your son or her. You'll be doing him a favor.

These situations are complicated. With the three of you (you, your H, and SD) - there is a potential Karpman triangle. It would help you to understand the dynamics of this.

I agree, this is unacceptable behavior and you are not obligated to have her stay with you and behave like this - to her parents. Also you have a 12 year old son to protect and her being there and the commotion she is causing is not good for him. I think he's your first concern. He's not an adult and has no choice but to depend on you and your husband. He needs your time and attention, and if this situation is taking a toll on you, then you are not as available as a parent to him.

For both you and your H to  effectively have the boundary of telling her she needs to leave, you both need to be on the same page with this. If you aren't, then the Karpman triangle dynamics may play a part. If you ask her to leave ( persecutor) then she takes victim perspective and runs to your H, who may step in as rescuer. Asking her to leave includes the worry about what will happen to her.

What may be going on here may not just be a step daughter problem. It may also be a marital problem if you want to tell her to leave and he doesn't. If he wants her to stay and you don't, then you will likely feel resentful. If you state an ultimatum for her to leave, he may feel resentful.

He may be worried about if she has a place to stay and if her bio mom is an option, well she goes there, or to a shelter, or some other arrangement but whatever the two of you decide, you both should be on the same page with it.