BPDFamily.com

I just found this site and its a relief to know I am not alone. My daughter has nothad a diagnosis ( unlikely to seek help or diagnosis) I have had to get support from a psychtherapist who thinks my daughter shows symptoms of BPD. She is my only daughter whom I raised on my own. She is physically far away also she lives overseas. She had an abusive marriage which has ended but which I believe caused a lot of emotional trauma. She is getting no support from her ex in raising her son. She has no social network, no friends, no support at all where she lives. She is always angry and stressed. She shouts and loses her temper easily.  I only get to visit once or twice a year. On my last visit she was so abusive I left earlier than planned as no matter what I did it caused her to be angry. I was a nervous wreck. Sadly it meant I didnt get to spend more time with my grandson. He has no one in his life other than his mother. He doesn't see or interact with other kids as he does school on line. I have tried to maintain a relationship with him through video calls, chatting and playing card games. It breaks my heart to watch how much he is missing out on, socially, emotionally, physically. He has learned not to express his feelings, that he must try to keep his mother happy and never knows when the next angry tirade will happen. When I told my daughter after my last visit that shouting at me was not ok nor was it ok to shout at the child, she lost it. She has told me she wasnt going to communicate with me any more and that I am not to communicate with her. She objected to my sending her a Christmas card. She also threatened to stop me talking to my grandchild. I have helped and supported her for so many years, lent her money which was never repaid, listened to her when she wanted to sound things out, helped her financially buy her house a few months ago. Her mood swings are extreme and sudden, I was walking on eggshells while I was there, after an outburst she would revert to normal and act as if nothing had happened. I don't know what is going on with her. I feel guilty that I can't do anything for my grandchild who is dealing with all of that on his own with no respite.
 Recently I asked if I could see my grandson as I planned to visit the area but would stay independently. She said no. Now she doesnt contact me and Im not allowed to contact her. I try to not think about it and focus on my own life but I keep coming back to the question, should I do more for the child? Is it morally right to leave a child in that kind of environment. What can I do? Is it out of my hands?

Hello MilesApart, welcome -- glad you decided to join and ask for support in this very stressful time for you.

It must be excruciating to want to be there for your grandson yet your D is blocking your contact -- that sounds very familiar. You're not alone in being part of this group and coping with a child with BPD withholding the grandchildren as "punishment" or "leverage".

Can I ask how old your GS is?  I'm wondering if even though your D has "prohibited" you from communicating with her, if there's still a way for you to let GS know you care and are there for him -- if he has his own phone, or email, or school laptop, etc, I wonder if you can connect with him that way now and then.

These relationships are so difficult, and so many GPs here have experienced similar situations. Please settle in here, read through the many posts we have, and keep us in the loop on how you and your family have been, whenever works for you.

kells76

Kells 76,
I didnt see your response properly until now. My GS is 10 and I have worked hard over the years to develop a good relationship witb him. I can call on Google Meet but its hit and miss if I can make contact. It is the only way I can contact him or he can contact me. This site has been very informative. My daughter has not had a diagnosis but the therapist who has been supporting me thinks its quite likely given her behaviour.

i'm new to this site and reading other folks' posts. It helps to know we are not alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you are brilliant to try to reach your grandson best you can. It might help him if you teach him some DBT skills to use on his mum? Just a thought. But at a minimum it is helping him to know you are there. It only takes one person believing in a child to help them get through. Hope you can continue to bear it for his sake. the pain is interminable I know. I hope you can take care of yourself.

This is my first post, so might not have the technique yet….my daughter often cuts us off, even though we pay for the house where she is living.
My greatest fear is for the grandkids, ages 9, 6, 5. She, her husband and the kids lived with us for over 5 years-although very difficult, we were able to have good relationships with the kiddos. Any advice on having a continued relationship with grandkids? We live in different states now.
Thank you for sharing, I feel less alone!