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So, I went to the hospital the other day, and I haven't been out in like a year or so (agoraphobia). When I was there, it's like I was on guard a lot. Balling my fist, didn't want to trust anyone. At first, I didn't even want to talk to anyone, and everything felt surreal. But after a bit, I warmed up to people, and the cab driver gave me space when I asked for it, and said I'm tired and had a long day. And I was like WOW, someone who you can ask to do something considerate and they do it. And then the lady there was really nice to me, and I was like WOW, people can be like that? It's like I was operating on this whole new level, I think they call it humanity? HA! Anyways, a part of me found it so sad that I was like this, without even realizing how bad it all has gotten. I've been getting memories popping up in the house and trembling a bit, and shaking randomly when I lay down. I'm proud and happy at the progress I'm making, but sad about all the pain I'm realizing I have.

Here's the advice part, I think, from what I know, I probably have some level of depersonalization from all the betrayal, and trauma, and have severe trust issues. I guess, the advice is how can I do better at connecting to people here? I feel like I'm just spamming people, driving them away and then not connecting the way I need to, to get the support and connection I need, to heal.

So I guess I'll open up a bit here. The other day, I did a bunch of stuff for myself. And actually felt love. Even helping the pets was just for myself, hugging them was just for myself, everything I did, was just for myself. And I kept saying "because I matter, because what I want matters, because my health matters, god dammit", and eventually, I felt all this peace wash over me, and I felt self love, maybe for the first time in my life, and I broke codependency. And wow, after this, all this loneliness washed over me, because I always felt so alone, always putting everyone's need so much higher than my own. It's scary, it's beautiful, and it hurts. It hurts to realize I have all this trauma, I thought I was always just super unique, because I am so objective, but now I think, you know, I've somehow intellectualized all the personal pain away. Could always empathize with others, just not myself.

It must feel nice to be heard by others and experience kindness. I think that if you don't tend to get out as much, your inner thoughts might torture you and maybe reinforce your thoughts?


Though I'm not on much, I've noticed that you sometimes reply to your initial post before another member can reply. Scanning the board indices, this can result in members not replying because they see answered posts, not lonely posts with 0 replies. Not always, but sometimes.

Thanks for the response. Yeah, it was pretty crazy actually experiencing kindness in person, forgot that stuff existed. Yeah, I do think my inner thoughts torture me, I need to write a lot more, it's one of my best talents, and best coping mechanisms, but I am so tired of writing about all this crap, it's eating up my life, need to use my writing skills for something less heavy, and get my mind off this stuff, but I do need to deal with it too, so it's tough to balance. I think, you know, you're right, I think I respond to myself so much, that some people won't post on it, and then also, I think it makes it too much to read through and then people might not have the bandwidth to read it.

There are a lot of good discussions in the library. Maybe this one can help.

  8.07 | Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts    (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=137440.0)

It could be that you're noticing acts of kindness from others because you're prioritizing your needs.  When you have a lot going on it's hard to pay attention to the smaller details around you. Sometimes we operate in one mode for a long time - as you say you forget that there are other modes.

I get it that it can feel emotionally exausting talking about our experiences. I recall making a similar comment. This may or may not synchronize with you, take what suits your needs and leave the rest.

What I found is that I would get what I would need to off of my chest and then share when I felt like my batteries were recharged a little bit. I had periods like that.  It helps to talk. Healing takes time and it's not always a linear path.

Hey Turkish, I'll check it out, but I'm actually really good at thinking productively, it's just that I actually try too hard and then it becomes too much, but I'll check that out a bit more. I know codependency is about shedding obligations and control, even for good, unless it's necessary and completely reasonable, but having accountability, and personal choice and respect, and defending yourself and those you care about are also important. I've spend years working on my mental health, it's why I've survived so many Narcissists, it's too bad pretty much every person I've been close to has been one, except my codependent mother, argh.

Hey Mutt,
Oh yeah, believe it or not, when I went to the hospital last time, I actually laughed nervously when I thanked the lady for helping me. And it used to overwhelm me. I guess I was just THAT used to being treated like crap. But this time it felt nice. But yeah, definitely prioritizing myself helps a lot in noticing it. When you feel like you deserve to be treated well, you definitely notice it more.

Yeah, I do prefer to time dealing with all this well, but it's like, you know, when I'm this overwhelmed with like 7 Narcissists worth of trauma that I never dealt with, it's hard to know what to do. I just feel overwhelmed a lot, but I'm trying to ground myself in daily life more, so that I'm less overwhelmed. Yeah, you're right, I need to be patient. I'm just so out of sorts now, argh, I want some normalcy.

Thanks for your responses though! I want to interact more, wish I had more to give people and post on their threads more, but I don't.