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It is snowing and settling properly outside and it’s beautiful and peaceful. My wife and children are still sleeping. I wish I could be excited for my children to play properly in the snow for the first time ever.

I feel sick to my stomach and I’m trying to calm my breathing and my heart beating so fast. I am devastated to recognise how terrified I still am of my wife when it all boils down to it… it feels all the progress I made means nothing.

I need to go to work. I need to get the children up. That’s what I do every day (I actually work a little bit 7 days a week). I need to earn money to pay for the new bathroom we couldn’t afford, the holiday we couldn’t afford… What’s the worst that could happen? My wife will rage at me. She will tell me I’m the worst person ever. And yet still, even now, I’m so scared, even to wake up my eldest daughter, because what if I get in trouble for following the usual routine when I should have known my wife would want to wake her…

I feel pathetic. I just wanted to share it.

 :hug:

Thankful person- your wife may say these things but it's not true. It seems that every time I visit my BPD mother, she tells me that I have disappointed her in some way. Then in the next sentence she's thanking me profusely for helping her with something. One thing that has helped me to not see this as personally is that she says the same thing about her home health workers and now at the assisted living she's in - the staff. The doctors, the nurses, her family, my father, the neighbor, anybody who she casts in the position of being the worst person ever becomes the worst person ever.

Logically, it's impossible that all these people are the worst person ever, incompetent, not helping her, disappointing her, even if she thinks they are.

At the moment, you are the one person who is helping your wife and so you become the worst person ever in how she perceives things. But it's not true. It's hard to hear this but also not possible to change how someone thinks or feels. Still, even knowing this, it is hurtful and frustrating to hear it.

I have a reading assignment for you:  The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.

Now please ignore this suggestion if you are bothered by profanity, but it’s a fun read with a very serious objective: there are many things that are important to care about in life, but often we get too focused on things that really don’t matter in the big picture.

I learned about this book when I saw a member of Congress reading it (Katie Porter) in the midst of protracted legislative sessions regarding the election of the Speaker of the House, which were a performative waste of time—just a raw exercise of political power for one party, while the other party had to endure days of wasting time and not focusing on issues that are important to Americans.

I already had some notion of not getting so wound up with my husband’s trivial issues, but this book made it very clear that what is most important is paying attention to our own values and letting other people’s issues slide if they don’t reflect our own criteria.

Thank you all. For some reason my wife did not throw a tantrum or use any bullying intimidation to get me to skip work today. I guess that’s the unpredictability of bpd. The snow had melted by the time I got home so the children had missed out again because my wife can’t take all 3 out to play on her own. My wife said little about it, even though last year the same situation meant I had “ruined everything”… even though it may not snow until next winter… even though the children missed out… even though one of the reasons we moved here is because my wife was hoping for more snow in her life. My wife painted me white a couple of days ago because we are planning a holiday which she thinks will save our marriage. She is saying she loves me and wrote, “marry me” in the snow. We had a good day yesterday but then I “ruined everything” when I told her that I was going to buy the children some clothes for the holiday. Apparently I should have thought of her and said I was going to buy her some clothes, even though I have been very clearly told, “NEVER buy me clothes”. This whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable because I never know when she will turn on me. I can only hope we are heading back to some semblance of last summer when my wife seemed much happier in our relationship (she would tell you she certainly wasn’t).

Not Wendy, thanks for the reminders. It is true that my wife finds fault with most people, she doesn’t have many people in her life but falls out with her mum, my mum and her sisters quite regularly. I somehow quite like it when she’s got someone else to blame, especially since I learnt to not bother standing up for these other people. I just say my classic line, “mmm” which she takes to mean I’m listening and on side.

Cat thanks for the suggestion, I’m not offended by profanities, you know I’m a Guns N’ Roses fan right? I remember baby ducks pointed me towards a Mark Manson article last year which I liked and I will try to get hold of the book either on my phone or audiobook. When I’m feeling stronger I’m better at channeling your spirit of not giving a f*ck. I felt particularly emotional about the snow because it’s at times like that that I realise how difficult things are compared to how I’d like them to be. Snow used to make me feel happy and excited and I don’t want the feeling of dread I felt this morning.

Cat, I just wanted to let you know I completed my assignment. I enjoyed the book. Actually it reminded me of my teenage years. I used to self-medicate with alcohol and all manner of illicit drugs. It did help my depression and anxiety at the time and helped me connect with others, but ultimately back-fired into crippling paranoia. It took me years to realise that actually even my most laid-back friends were struggling back then too.

A few days before I finished reading the book, I awoke from a dream with a very clear message: “there’s no need to worry about the future, because all we have is now.” I know I was not the first to have this epiphany lol. But it felt extremely profound even though I couldn’t remember the dream. I cherished my day teaching, thinking about how every moment I spend with those kids is a moment I can build them up, (especially those who are struggling), or how easily I can bring them down if I’m not careful. I do have this philosophy anyway, but I’m very self-critical. It was such a good day.

Thanks again for the book recommendation and everything you’ve helped me with. Today my wife was saying it’s my fault she failed her Foundation degree in youth work a few years back, because I didn’t help her enough. She went on and on and then I just said, “I don’t think people should get a qualification, if they weren’t able to put in the work themselves.” Of course I did bend over backwards to help her at the time, but I wasn’t going to do her work for her. Ultimately I’m glad I was able to share my truth of that opinion, rather than promising to work harder for her if there’s ever a next time. Our little girl was awarded a certificate on tv this morning, and shortly before it my wife was refusing to get out of bed. So I just left her in bed. I determined to celebrate the moment with our daughter if my wife didn’t make it, rather than “accidentally” missing it just because that’s what my wife would have wanted. But my wife knows I’ve changed and that I will not allow our children to miss out. In the end she did get up. I’ll keep up the subtle art…

 |iiii

Outstanding! Day by day...