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Should you discuss feelings vs facts with adult daughter?  She is 46 and states her father never wanted to be a father.  This is not true and my husband would like to tell our daughter this.  Is that the appropriate way to approach her.  There are many other statements she has made, many hurtful, that are not true but she feels this.  What do we do.  She is very hard to communicate with because she has not received therapy to help her deal with her emotions.

Hi Warshire
I think it’s pointless stating facts. It’s their truths versus yours. My daughter told her current partner that she was in a mental health unit for 6 weeks sectioned. This never happened. She said that we never took her on our first holiday oversees, she didn’t want to come. I can think of countless facts that she has stated which are untrue, but it’s her truths so we say nothing. It took me ages to stop feeling worried that others might think how awful we were after the untruths she would tell them about us. But I realised that I had no control over that either, so had to carry on. Her siblings have pulled away from her as they refuse to get caught up in her dramas and lies and actually told me a long time ago to do the same.
I think focusing on your needs and not responding to her when she comes out with her accusations or untruths will help you get through it.

Hi Warshire, good question, and one that so many of us cope with:


To whom does your D46 make those statements -- to you and your H, to friends, to family members...?

Do others bring up her statements to you, or is this only coming from her to you?

If, for example, she has children, and the children are coming to you and asking "Did Grandpa not want to have Mom?", then you may need to find a way to compassionately share with the grandkids: "Kids, what do you think? When you see Grandpa sending cards, and gifts, and wanting to spend time with Mom, does that seem true to you?" Or, "Kids, sometimes people who hurt inside say hurting words. Even though Grandpa and I always wanted and loved Mom, she might say different things or have different feelings than we do, and that's OK." But I wouldn't say that in front of D46.

That might be the only situation (when impressionable kids are involved) where I might "share an alternative view" or "present more information".

...

Like Titch suggests, pwBPD can be so emotionally committed to their "feelings as facts" that there's no way for rationality, different facts, or a competing narrative to make it through. It's meeting some desperate and deep emotional need of hers to portray your H as "the bad guy" in her narrative. Whatever that need is, it's so deep and profound that she may reject any facts that don't conform to her feelings.

It's possible that her inner narrative could be: "I feel unwanted and unlovable. I cannot determine where these feelings are coming from, and in fact, I have such immature and porous boundaries of self, that I believe these feelings come from outside. Who would make me feel unwanted at such an intensity that I'm experiencing? Only a parent could. Therefore, my deep feelings of being unwanted must come from my father. This is the absolute truth." (of course, it's likely that she is not having those explicit and verbally articulated thoughts)

It's possible that if you were to try to "prove" that her father loved her, she might come back with "See? You don't care about how I feel. You never did! This proves it." So I might let go of trying to say something with the goal of getting her to change her mind or feel a different way. That can be unintentionally invalidating.

A different approach could be a brief statement of your intentions coupled with acknowledging her feelings:

"D46, even though H always wanted to be and loves being your father, we can see how it would hurt deeply to feel that that isn't true".

Or, even briefer:

"That must hurt immensely, to believe that"

...

It may provide an odd sense of freedom to know that you don't have to prove yourselves to her -- you know the truth in your hearts, and can have compassion for her without having to argue or engage with her distorted perceptions.

Food for thought --

kells76

Thank you for the advice.  I don’t believe she says anything to her children.  We have a wonderful relationship with them.  They see their mother’s behaviour and want her to get help. She sends her thoughts to me through email or messenger.  We have minimal face to face contact even though she lives right beside us.  It is like she is ashamed of her behaviour? It is so hard that you have to accept what she states as facts(her feelings) yet we can’t say anything to defend ourselves because she will always make it sound like she is always the victim.
This is a wonderful site for support, especially when you are having rough days.  We are not alone.

I had a similar situation with my BPD daughter (now 24) just about her entire life- I was always the horrific person that caused everything bad in her life.  We're close now that she's been through therapy and wants to make major life changes, but I can completely relate here.

What I did to "flip the switch" about a year ago was to apologize for everything and forgive her.  I just explained that I've always loved her and I was very sorry that we couldn't communicate well throughout her life.  I also let her know that I forgave her for everything that happened between us and I understood how hard life was on her at times.  And just like that, everything changed.

Again though, the changes happened because she was ready for them to happen- that's the whole key.  She actually listened for once and saw my empathy towards her.