BPDFamily.com

How do you know when your pwBPD actually wants to end the relationship and it's not just due to a split?

Over the almost 13 years I've been with my partner, he's wanted to leave, threatened to leave, wanted me to leave, and actually "left" to stay at friends' houses. This started happening about a year into our relationship before I even knew what BPD was. Looking back, these times were clearly him splitting, and eventually, he always came around and ended up begging for me back, but he never did anything that was too drastic to separate.

He started splitting me again a year ago. Things have gone back and forth, but for the most part, he has been pushing me away. Now, he's wanting to sell our condo. And instead of threats he's been making off and on all year, he's really been deadset on making plans to do it including making several appointments.

This past year has been the worst year of our relationship and most consistently him splitting me black. He's said all the same things he usually says when he splits like, "We've never been in a relationship, he just wants to be alone, I've forced him to be with me all these years, talk of suicide, etc." He's also gone back and forth with wanting to be sexual with me, but this is the longest we've ever gone with him withholding actual intercourse.

Side note: Last year he started taking medication for hair loss and the side effects include loss of sex drive and depression. I'm not sure though if it has anything to do with it or if it's just a coincidence. He'd never stop taking it anyway, as he's become obsessed with his appearance.

I feel like part of him still wants me around, but at this point, I just can't tell anymore. If he really takes legal action to end our relationship this time, I can't say I'd be willing to get back together with him if he changes his mind again. I even moved across the world to live with him and now here I am and being threatened to leave our home on top of it. If he's really willing to kick me out and sell our home he used to love maybe he's desperate to end things permanently this time.

I love this man with all of my heart and I can't picture my future without him in it. Every time he's wanted to end things with me it always feels final so I don't know, but I'm starting to feel like maybe he just doesn't want a relationship with me. This time a couple of his close friends also are encouraging him to end the relationship with me for good because of all the lies he's told when he splits.

He told me the other day that I keep waiting around for him to change how he feels again like in the past and that's manipulation. How can you know it's not just the BPD? I'm wondering if I am really forcing him to be in a relationship with me...

Leaving isn't about your pwBPD or a decision you should wait for your pwBPD to make.

Leaving is about you, how you want to be treated, how your partner makes you feel, and the support and love you're getting from the relationship.

If he wants to sell the condo, is there a possibility of you buying him out?

Legally, yes. In the country we live in I found out you have to file for a legal separation after one party moves out and then split the condo and its shared contents.

Problem #1 He is trying to avoid paying me my share. He's trying to sell with a realtor and not moving out. He's trying to sell without filing for separation so he doesn't lose "his share". He's trying to bribe me by saying he'll pay my rent in some really cheap place for a year (that way I'll break our legal partnership, not him). It wouldn't even be close to half the share of our condo and I'll forfeit my rights to live here. When I've confronted him about this in the past he has a huge split and claims I'm stealing from him and I'm evil. He says if I don't help him sell he will make things miserable for me and good luck getting anything. He also threatened to take our pets from me.

Problem #2 I'm trying to avoid selling the condo right now altogether and I don't really want to guide him to the correct way of doing things or file myself. He supports me financially and has for years. I'm in the process of applying for several jobs. I wanted to be in a situation where I could buy him out for sure if it comes down to it.

I've been told by a lawyer that there are ways I could stay or at least temporarily due to the situation. I was just trying to postpone it while I secure my finances. I was also hoping for him to split me back before this goes too far but making a plan in case. He currently seems like he's coming around and his mood is improving a lot, but I'm not sure if it's just because "I'm cooperating".

He's wanted to end our relationship seriously so many times and then came back saying he can't live without me. This time, I don't know if he's going this far to make things permanent or if he's just testing me further. I'm trying to put myself in a better situation whether I end up staying or not so his splitting doesn't impact me this heavily in the future.

Sunflower, I really don’t know but I just wanted to say I’m at the same place in my relationship with my dbpdw. She’s birthed 3 children for us and it’s always been a time of chaos in our relationship for months following the births. But this latest long term split seems to be the worst. She is much calmer since I learnt all the communication skills on here etc. But as for her feelings that I’ve ruined her life and I’m not making any effort or supporting her, it feels pretty serious. She has done some of the dbt therapy course when we first got together 8 years ago. She just says she learnt about mindfulness to help her beat her self-harming (which she did). I have no idea if they learn about splitting and I wish I could address whether she learnt anything of the sort. But she just sees me as a bad person and would believe that can’t be because her brain’s not working effectively, just “it is what it is” which ironically was a quote she learnt in dbt. They should learn, “it is what it is, except when you’re paranoid and delusional.”