BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone! I hope you're all dodging the darts thrown at you today effectively!  :hug:

I have an interesting problem and am seeking help. I would really appreciate some creativity and insight. I will describe the limitations and details as best I can:

Important Facts
-I'm 12+ months into a highly contested divorce/custody battle with stbxwUBPD; no end in sight
-50/50 joint legal and physical custody
-2x preschool age children, 3y/o and 4y/o
-Children attend full-time daycare, M-F 8am-5pm (cannot attend when sick, naturally)
-I am beginning a new job very soon after a huge career change
-The new job involves a significant, unavoidable pay decrease (a.k.a. money is TIGHT)
-No family nearby

**The Problem**
-stbxwUBPD has made it a habit of delaying medical information until the day before or morning of exchanges (e.g. My parenting time starts 8:00am on Tuesday. Tuesday morning at 7:12 I get a message: "The kids ares sick and they cant go to daycare. Come meet me to get them now."

-Unforeseen, frequent absences will not be tolerated too long by a new employer (YES, I will discuss the situation with them effectively, though I still need to solve the problem as much as possible on my end).


THIS IS WHERE I NEED HELP  |--->The Solution...?
Here is my best solution.  Though it just doesn't quite seem to feel...airtight.:

1. Hire a standby nanny/babysitter ONLY for exchange days
PROS:
-Buys me some time to get childcare figured out for the whole illness (if there even is one, whole other problem...)
-Allows me to not miss work for the sabotaged day

CONS:
-Exposes a proxy to stbxwUBPD face to face exchanges and all of the manipulation involved
-Potentially financially restrictive
-May be difficult to obtain someone willing to do this


This is my best solution thus far...

What would you add or alter about this contingency plan?

[testing edit feature]

What I have learned from growing up with a BPD parent is this- if it is important to me, I can't have it be contingent on her.  So there needs to be a way the children are taken care of regardless of your wife's behavior because you can't control that.

The other aspect that can't be controlled is that small children in day care tend to catch colds and ear aches. It's actually a normal process of their building immunity and they are exposed to each other at school. I recall this being a concern when my kids were in day care and there were days that I couldn't bring them to day care. Money was tight for us too. My H had irregular working hours. He was the main wage earner so it was my job that was impacted by this and it did limit my career.

Day care is great but sometimes kids can't attend. Still, employers expect their employees to show up to work. I did choose to have some help with child care at home.  It was more expensive, but it also brought the security that I could show up for work.

It's also not for the long term. Soon, your oldest will be in school and the younger one shortly after that which will reduce day care costs.  So finances might be tighter for now, but starting a new job that you want, I think you want to do your best.

Do you live near any universities? I found that college age students were helpful babysitters. Younger teens have to be in school all day but college students may be able to work around their class schedule.

Does your W work outside the home? If not, it feels like a setup -- like if you don't pick up the kids, then she can claim "see, he doesn't want to see the kids" (instead of it legitimately being about her not able to stay home with them). So you're wise to find ways to still exercise your parenting time.

Also, if your parenting time starts at 8am, and the kids are also supposed to be at daycare at 8am, who is doing the transportation from Mom's time to daycare?

Just working out the nuts and bolts.

...

If you're involved in a faith or community group (church, synagogue, service group, etc), you can consider reaching out to members there to see if there are some trustworthy grandmas, homeschool moms with kids at home, teens/college age kids who'd watch the kids at their parents' house, independent home based child care groups, etc (all just brainstorming ideas), and asking if you can get a few of them "on standby" like you mentioned -- so if one doesn't work out, you have backup plans.

A faith based group or person may be willing to offer a reduced rate as a way to show their care and support. Or, consider offering a trade/barter of your skills (maybe you can do home repairs, or trade garden produce, or vehicle work, or whatnot) in exchange for childcare. Not sure what kind of area you live in, but we live in a "hippie town" and are also part of a church, and both ends of the spectrum are very open to barter/non cash exchange.

I wouldn't worry too much about what the sitter sees/is exposed to, I guess. It'll be whatever it is. Your W may actually try to impress the sitter or be on her best behavior. She may also try to play the card of "but I don't like that sitter"/"I think that person is unsafe" as a control move, and that's where she is painting herself into a corner. What does she really want? If it's you to pick up the kids so she doesn't have to watch them, then she can't set terms on that. She has to pick: either the kids stay home with her if she's really insisting they're sick AND she doesn't like the sitter... or you do your parenting time your way.

...

Hope those thoughts help. You're on the right track to find ways to not need your W's agreement or cooperation for you to move on with your life.

I probably don't have any really viable solutions for you. However, I am extremely familiar with the pains of daycare derived disease. My 2.75 year old son only can attend daycare about 60-70% of the time. He's constantly getting sick. Last year he ended up in the hospital because of it. So now we keep him out as a precaution, once he starts to get a cough. It was really just killing me because I don't get much paid time off. I used all of my vacation time last year for Covid lock downs, where day care had to close for a week. So I can sympathize with added stress based on closed daycare, for sure.

This probably won't work for you, but what worked for me was, my parents moved near me last June. It has been a tremendous help. They even are willing to take care of our son at my house on the days that my co-parent has custody. They love spending time with the boy, and he loves Grandma and Grandpa.

They were very worried about leaving friends and the community they called home for close to 50 years. Yet, the move has been beneficial for them, as well. They moved into a retirement community and they are really happy with their new location for a ton of reasons. For example My mother is much less stressed out now that she doesn't have to do any house work.

Maybe you can convince your parents or other family to move near you, too. It has been a game changer for me. I even attest to this having improved my interaction with my BPD-coparent.

All my exchange schedules were in the afternoons, about 6pm or at end of school/daycare, it was after work and I chose day cares that were open until about then.

It appears your ex is using the early morning exchanges against you.  (How did you end up with morning exchanges?)  Can you get the order adjusted?