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Hello!

I have been in no contact with my ex for about a month. For me, I see no contact as a method of gaining distance from the disruption of my peace, but not necessarily a long term solution. I recognize that a part of me that is ready to move on,  and meet someone new. But there is also a part of me that is attached to my ex. A lot of this holding on is because I have the (maybe false) belief that, if circumstances were different (pertaining to family, my own capacity to emotionally regulate), then the relationship would have had a better shot.

I feel like I am now in a better position than I was before. I understand and accept that he is in a relationship now. That's enough for me to understand the distance he has taken without reading into it.

I don't want to be a doormat, but if I also don't want to close the door completely (i.e. eventually unblock him), what questions should I be asking myself?

I am approaching or in a similar place.
I would like to eventually be at least amicable, if for no other reason than to see my dogs.
Then there is the ego hurdle of wanting her to reach out, just so I know i got some leverage, or slice of my own power back.

I feel like I am ready to handle contact if it happens, and not to try to reconcile, like I did in January, which blew up in my face.

My therapist has many a time said "She is like a cat, you cant chase her, just let her come to you if and when she will"

Tina, We seem to share similar feelings and struggles.
We are both looking to stay nice, amicable, but also respect the fact that they are in new relationships, which always hurts badly.
Ive had to sit back and watch her do this one time before.
The main difference now, is the entire first breakup, i was waiting for her, and she knew it.
She probably still thinks I am, but that will fade with time and lack of contact.
I was frequently reminding her i was there. I was as available as a glass of water, and now I am NOT.
Mostly I am doing this for myself, and to show I can be stronger after each hardship in my life, learn and grow from them.
I hope she can do the same.

Each day i focus more on what I want to do, enjoying my life, and not worrying if she has chosen to be in it, or push me away.
I told her when breaking up (both times) we need to CHOOSE eachother, even in hard times.
I have always chosen her, and waited for her.
She CHOSE to NOT choose me, several times.

Unless that changes, this is how it will be now.
Im not CHOOSING anything other than someone who CHOOSES me without my having to beg, or be beholden to in order to recieve that.

Whether its her, or someone else, my heart is reserved for who CHOOSES me, and at this point, that will take some proving by whomsoever does chose me.
I will not fall for love bombing again.

Stay Strong Tina, It's been a hard week on my end too, up until a day or two ago. The Moon is approaching full, so emotions are high. Be kind to yourself

Thanks for your reply, OKrunch :)


This reminds me of how I used to be. I used to find other ways to contact my ex when he blocked me to send desperate messages about how much I cared and was sorry. I have stopped doing that for about a year now. I respect his boundaries. I will not contact someone who makes it clear that they don't want to talk to me.

As I get better with this, and don't feel as desperate to reach out, it may have had an effect that he feels like he has less control over me. If I have to lower myself down that much, a relationship with him isn't worth it for me.



That is a healthy motivation. It's in line with my perspective that some people are not meant to be a part of your life in the long run. They are there to help you learn lessons, so that you can learn and grow.


I agree with this! What I am struggling with is, what does ´some proving´ mean? I think I have been naive in the past. Him showing up and asking about me was enough for me to respond and pick things right back up. Say he calls me and asks to see me. I like him, so I'd agree to see him. But I feel like maybe that's not what would serve me best. I don't know any other way to be though, I feel like I try to be genuine in these situations, but it wouldn't be fair to myself and all the hard work I put into healing to just jump back in without a thought.

What got you into the relationship? What do you need to learn to avoid it again? Why was it so unhealthy? From both ends, even yours. Those are the things I'd try to ask, because repeating the mistake would lead to more pain and suffering.

Philosophical or not the truth of the matter is that the old saying of some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime I believe is spot on.

So real talk...the fact you are struggling with this should tell you...you are not the problem. It is okay to just LET GO!

So my advice for you is that you are a soft, sweet, gentle person. You do not have it in you to be a stone cold force. That is okay...do not compare yourself to others and believe you have to change or be that way. Many people struggle just like you. You are more empathetic, sympathetic, and more sensitive. That gives you your own unique strengths which are also your downfalls, but only in the sense when it comes to protecting your feelings and heart.

With that said you are going to have to go the route of being non-confrontational and keeping your distance and let things fade away naturally. If you engage YOU are going to get hurt. You already know this. Its not a question of if and thinking I'll be okay...no, you know you will falter and disrupt the progress you've made.

Your greatest weakness is not wanting to enforce stiff boundaries because of your non-confrontational nature. So to make sure you protect yourself you must keep your distance. To help you with perspective...do not look at it or think of it as something negative such as punishing him or being someone you are not...this how you will end up hurting yourself in the long run. Instead take the approach that you are doing it to protect yourself because you deserve better and peace of mind. You deserve happiness too. You are actually doing it out of kindness and not malice.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you SC, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this reply. Reading it makes me feel understood. It is okay to let go, and I do deserve to be happy. I can move forward while embracing who I am. Getting to know myself has been the most rewarding part of this journey.

I was feeling unsure about the following.

It has become easy for me to let things be in moments when my ex does not reach out to me. I couldn't imagine writing that a year ago, but it's true! I recognize that, as you mentionned, my progress falters after I engage with him, even if I tell myself I won't have any expectations. I have my own pattern of feeling disappointed, hoping painfully to reconcile with him, and then coming out on the other side stronger and with clarity. As long as I have my space.

If he does reach out, whatever his motivations are, I was worried about how I could navigate that. Would my distance from him affect a possibility of friendship? But then I would engage and falter again. Yet I don't want to ignore him. It seemed impossible.

This really bothered me. So, I go back to the lessons I have learned. It doesn't matter what I say, but what my intentions are behind how I respond. I deserve happiness and peace, that is my priority. I take care of me. Wanting to recreate and control things is my own behaviour that does not serve me. Instead, I can allow things to unfold naturally. If he is meant to be my friend, it will happen. Right now, he is not meant to be in my life, by the very fact that he isn't in my life. And that's okay. It's not something I am missing out on. I should strive for better.

This resonates with me. Your happiness does not depend on him (or anyone else) being in your life. You do indeed deserve happiness, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

I have long been frustrated with the ambiguous messages that my ex sends me. I took it upon myself to try and 'decode' her intentions. Which kept me locked in that same loop you describe: getting my hopes up for reconciliation, feeling disappointed, and dealing with the hurt all over again. I still don't understand her intentions. I'm not sure she does either.

If your ex really wants to be your friend, he will put in the effort to build that friendship. Not with push/pull behavior, not with ambiguous messages. With direct contact, respect for your boundaries, and sustained effort. And if he's unwilling or unable to put in that effort, then he's not ready to be your friend.

Thanks for your reply, cranmango. I feel more confident that I can be strong in my self worth during future interactions.

Well…speaking of future interactions  lol

It’s been over a month since I last spoke to him. I have difficulty describing how I have been feeling lately. First, I didn’t expect the NC period to last this long. I know it’s out of my control and not personal. I feel like as time passes by he becomes more and more of a blur in my mind, but I still wake up wondering if he messaged me. Intrusive thoughts aren’t too bad, and still I remain busy with my life.

I guess if I could express what I need comfort with, it’s that I will hear from him again. But, nobody knows what will happen. He maybe doesn’t even know. I do miss him. Which I feel annoyed at myself for even writing. He disappeared!

Hi tina—right there with you. My ex hasn’t texted me in months. First thing I do every morning is check to see if she texted. Some habits just die hard.

It’s very likely that you and your ex will talk again. I choose to believe that my ex is walking her own path currently, as am I. And I am working to stay open to wherever my path may lead, while not worrying too much about her path. It’s still a daily struggle.

Hi Tina!  I've followed your journey pretty closely since we both had our worlds explode around the same time.  In fact, everyone posting here in your thread sort of feels like our support group since we all went through this together.  So I want to share a little bit of my recent story for inspiration.

You guys know I'm a Christian and I'm married, so I didn't want to rush out to find love while still being married and waiting things out.  Like everyone else, I was hopeful that we'd eventually sit down and talk, become friends again, and possibly reconcile.  For us.  For the kids.  For our extended family that I love so dearly.  So I waited from a distance and hoped.

But I did meet someone in a long distance relationship and from the very start, I could see how much she cared about me, the genuine authentic me.  She'd nag at me if I didn't make breakfast, and remind me to visit my sick uncle, and ask how my day was.  She remembers everything I tell her, and responds with love and empathy...which seemed so remarkable at first because I never had that in my 24 year marriage.  She does that though because she cares about me and chooses me, chooses to be a part of my life.

Even today, I still have moments where I want to reconcile.  But then I look at what a balanced, loving relationship looks like, feels like, etc, and I realize that God doesn't want any of us to feel abused, neglected, or unloved.  We shouldn't have to sacrifice our own feelings to love someone else, or feel lesser to make our ex stable.  None of us are meant to do that, but we did because we are good people with big hearts.

I don't know if I'll marry this person or not, but I am so in love with her and she feels the exact same way about me.  I'm going to go visit her soon and meet in person for the first time, and I'm going to buy an engagement ring before I go (just in case).

I shared that to tell all of you this- you deserve to be loved, cherished, and accepted EXACTLY as you are.  So dip your toes into the dating world Tina, and don't be afraid to love again.  Mr. Right is out there looking for you and I hope you're as shocked and delighted as I am right now once you meet him.

At first I felt guilt for meeting someone new, like I was doing something bad by actually moving on from my wife.  But the more I got to know this new person, the more she loved me for being me, the more I realized that it's okay for me to live my own life and be happy.  That's what God wants for all of us, to let go of past pains and live a life full of love, hope, and promise.

I hope that helps you, my friends.  I really do care about you all.

Thank you for your replies!

cranmango - Your perspective is beautiful, and reading your words comforts me. You are strong and capable. Be easy on yourself.

Pook - I am so happy to read that you met someone who makes you feel this way  :wee:! It brings a smile to my face. You make great points. We do all deserve to be happy. I also appreciate your message not to be afraid to love again. I did meet someone who I felt excited to talk with a few weeks ago. He wasn't emotionally available, so I decided to distance myself, but it was nice to know I could feel that way again.

I think both of your perspectives lead towards letting go, being open and focusing on being happy with or without a specific person in my life. Put my emotional well bring first. I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months, and I do feel like I've come farther than I could have imagined.

I've been feeling lately like maybe a short message to reach out to him is in alignment with how I'm feeling. Hear me out - right now, it feels like reaching out and extending warm wishes aligns with my intentions and personal growth. For the past few months, I've been very passive in his coming in and out of my life. I chose to do that, and I believe that was what I needed to do at the time. Now, I feel empowered to find a sense of closure. Send goodwill and kindness.

I agree with your plan because at some point, it stops being about him and starts being about what's best for you.  If you want closure, seek it.  If he responds poorly, then that's a sort of closure as well.  Just be kind, be authentic, and share what's on your heart.  I don't think you can ever go wrong that way.

I love ya Tina- keep being you!  There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Hi tina—your words resonate with me. If you feel solid enough to speak from your heart, if speaking will help to bring you peace, if you can speak with no hope of outcome—then I for one say go for it. Shine your light into the world.

I sent my ex a goodbye letter last week. Not ‘goodbye’ in a strict sense, but more of a closing the book on the previous  chapter of our lives. I was brief, and honest about my complicated emotions—including how much I still care about her. I wished her well, and expressed a commitment to continue to work together as colleagues. I feel good about what I wrote. The tears were flowing. I wrote from the heart. I wrote without worrying how she might react. It was genuine.

I did mail the letter. But it wasn’t for her, not really. It was for me.

So write your letter, for you. Find your peace.

P.S. happy for you, Pook. Keep us posted. :)

what sort of closure?

in other words, is this a message to reach out, or to terminate the friendship, or?

That took a lot of strength. I really admire that, and hope it brings you peace. Trust yourself, and keep putting yourself first.


And it feels like what's good for me has changed. I took a while to process what I was going through. Now I feel solid.


This is a good question.

I don't think I will gain any clarity or answers from him. I also don't want to terminate the friendship. Although there is currently no friendship.

I would like to be respectful, warm, and extend well wishes. I want to convey leaving the past in the past, that I've been reflecting, that I still care about him but respect his boundaries. I would say it's a reach out, but with no expectations. I would also like to tell him that I am moving cities. I realized it's something I've been waiting to share with him, because it had been something he had supported me in. Now that it's finally happening, it makes me sad to not tell him. Which is okay, he can choose not to respond to me.

Does this make sense? I can't tell sometimes  lol

It does make sense. The danger is in hoping for any particular outcome. There’s no way to know how your message might be received.

It sounds like you are offering your ex a chance to see what genuine friendship would look like. You sharing your thoughts, making yourself a little vulnerable, but with no agenda.

Maybe he will take it as such. Maybe he will be scared of it. Maybe he will be dysregulated. But maybe a part of him will hear it, even if he can’t reciprocate.

I agree with the advice above—keep being you. We cause harm when we try to be smaller, lesser versions of ourselves. Eggshells don’t help them or us. Be the full version of you.

And good luck with the move, too!

I wrote the message. I let everything my feelings flow out. The message had a lot of well wishes, a lot of recognition and acceptance that our paths in life have diverged but that I still think about him and am happy he was part of my life because of everything I learned.

Then, I got busy. My days filled up and I didn't send it because I didn't want to be distracted. Now, I don't want to send it anymore. Writing that letter did make me realize:

- The well wishes are something I can hold in my heart, because they feel nice to me
- I don't want a reply from him. I don't want to be his friend. I wanted to spend my life with him. I don't want to hear about his relationship, even if it's just a tidbit. Out of kindness to myself, I don't want to feel discomforted wondering where I could have placed myself in his life. I don't want to hear sporadic life updates from him about which washing machine he is considering buying. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I haven't moved on. It doesn't mean I am not open to meeting someone else. It means I recognize how much I cared and dreamed of a future with this person, and how out of recognition to how I felt I don't want to accept any other form of relationship. It's not out of bitterness or punishment to him (as in, you didn't give me what I wanted, so too bad). It's out of respect for my heart.
- The fact that I want to tell him I'm moving is something I should explore. Do I want to impress him? It shouldn't matter whether he knows or not. I want to be more aware of these motivations.
- Given all this information, how would I interact with him if he reaches out? I want to be clear and focused and accept nothing less than what I decide for myself, and keep this strength

On a more general note, I have realized :
- it is not my job to prove my worth to anyone
- I bring a lot to the table, and I like myself
- I don't need to compare myself to anyone. I am my own individual amalgamation of experiences and thoughts and qualities and flaws that make me who I am. I am caring and kind and thoughtful and empathetic. I like to laugh and cook. When I walk into a room, I can enjoy the energy of other people without feeling like they are better than me or I have something to prove to them.


Thank you so much  :hi:

This fills my heart. You are showing tremendous growth and self-compassion. You are in touch with your values and goals, and you are aligning your actions accordingly. Thank you for sharing. I am learning from your example. :)

If your ex reached out today? It sounds like you wouldn't want any contact at all. And that's totally ok. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. If your ex reaches out a year from now, or 10 years from now? You can cross that bridge when you get to it, based on where you are in life at that time.

Thank you for your kind words, cranmango.

So, I see myself as focusing on my life. Trying my best at work to hone my skills, exploring the new environment I'll be in, taking care of myself, relaxing, keeping my place clean, connecting with people. That's my default state. If my ex contacts me, I am not reactive. I don't engage over text messages, because that medium allows for unnecessary time delays. I don't make assumptions. I am kind and polite. I keep the conversation short. I can share bulletpoints about new developments. I ask him directly, what made you want to reach out? 

If he seems to be emotionally available, as in single and genuinely reaching out to reconnect, I continue engaging. If not, if he is still in a relationship and just taking a temperature check, I cut it off dry immediately, no hesitation. I return my energy to myself. I remind myself not to compare myself to anyone, that I should want better for myself and I don't need to worry. I make myself pizza and go about my life  :wee:

All good stuff Tina.  You're growing.  You're healing.  And you're thinking this all out in a healthy way.  I went on the exact same journey and in some aspects, I'm well ahead of you.  In other aspects, I'm way behind.  I still think I can help my wife heal and I still feel it's my responsibility to be there for her, even though the marriage is over.  Maybe I'm the fool, who knows, but I do hope someday we can be friends again since we have young adult kids and a grandson.

One of the biggest, most critical lessons I've learned is that I have to be true to myself, and I have to chase after whatever makes me the best version of me.  I can be that person now where it was impossible in a broken, suffocating marriage.  The breakup was such a blessing...even though I couldn't see it that way as it unfolded.  I really feel like you're blessed as well as you gain acceptance and can just dig into your own feelings about what matters to you.

As I said before- send the letter, don't send the letter, that doesn't matter.  What matters is you took the reins and processed what you want, what matters in your life.  Good for you sister, good for you.

Thanks Pook  :hi: Your words comfort me.

Well, a special occasion passed in the last week. I of course considered that he wouldn’t reach out, which he didn’t. I spent the day with friends and did lots of activities. I still feel bummed though.

I have healthy thoughts floating around in my head, like there could be a million reasons why he didn’t reach out and none of them have anything to do with me. That it’s for the best not to get confused again. That I feel surrounded by love and good people who want the best for me and that I am finding success in other parts of my life.

I guess it sinks in that he ghosted me around 2 months ago now. I wonder why. Healthy thought says someone’s lack of communication is more of a reflection of themselves than of my worth and value. That someone else’s actions shouldn’t affect how I view myself. That I should wish for better, that I deserve better.

That feels good to write. I almost believe it all. I will believe it all. One day at a time.

I'm letting myself feel sad today. I had been so busy that I didn't register everything I was feeling.

I am thinking of what I said right before he ghosted me. The last time we had a video call, he was nervous and cut the call abruptly. I messaged him a few times after, pictures of recipes I had tried. Then, in between two texts, my messages stopped going through. I haven't heard from him since.

I feel disappointed. I cared too much. I care too much.

I know ghosting can be a reflection of his issues, maybe an inability to confront difficult emotions. Or his girlfriend doesn't want him to talk to me. Or he has moved on.

Hi Tina—keep feeling your feelings. It’s ok to have a sad day. All part of the grieving and detaching process.

Your thoughts sound balanced. Ghosting is indeed a reflection of his issues, and his inability to confront difficult emotions. It still hurts, though.

Not sure it’s fair to say you cared too much. You care deeply. You care a lot. And the healthy relationships in your life will be stronger because of it.

Thank you for your message, cranmango. It's helpful to read.

I read a reply that once removed wrote on another thread, that helped me gain a clearer perspective. I will reflect on it here.

Ghosting wasn't kind of him. However, when it comes to him acknowledging a special occasion for me, he doesn't owe that to me. That was an expectation that I had set. It led to me feeling dissapointed.

I consider his perspective. He's in a relationship. He's giving it his best shot at it working out, and if that means cutting out what could be either bringing up difficult emotions within himself or causing friction within his relationship, I understand why he wouldn't want to talk to me. I'm going to have to accept that, and let it play out. Maybe he is anxious about how I would react. Maybe he doesn't understand how he feels, or has difficulty expressing himself, so shutting everything to do with me off completely is his way of finding solace.

This doesn't have any bad, ultimate, implications about the future either. First, I know that I am fine without him in my life, as proven by all the growth I have had over this past year, and I can let myself feel these feelings while knowing I'll feel better with time. From another perspective, this experience is letting me grieve and let go of the past relationship more completely. And that may be exactly what a fresh, healthy relationship between the two of us would require to be sustainable.

I've learned that change is part of life, and I create pain for myself by feeling attached to a conception I have of a person or a situation in my head and don't allow room for them to change.

trying to build or maintain a friendship with an ex, when there is still any level of hope, longing, or expectations, is such a precarious place to be in. not the wrong one, necessarily, but it can be brutal.

the other person is generally clueless about our feelings. they are on a totally different wavelength. it doesnt mean they dont care about us, but theyre just carrying on mostly, with whatever their day to day priorities are.

but the person with hope, or longing, or expectations, typically is at least a bit preoccupied by it. every conversation, every move, is something to be analyzed through those lens. the other person just going about their lives, may feel, at times, like a choice, or a message sent to us, when typically, there is little to no thought of that.

and it all just sucks. because when they do reach out, or show that theyre thinking of us, it typically just results in wanting more, and amplifying our feelings about whatever they are doing, or not doing. or its disappointing because its less than what we were hoping for.

what isnt clear to me, is whether he is ghosting you or cutting you out, vs prioritizing the life hes building. i know he stopped replying the last time you spoke, but was that a possible oversight, and you just havent happened to speak since, or do you know well enough here to say theres something more distinct going on?

I feel like something is off, because of the way my messages were delivered. Through the messaging platform, my messages used to clearly be delivered. Then, it showed that not only were they no longer delivered, but that switch happened between me sending two messages (within the span of a minute, they went from being delivered to no longer delivered).

He could have decided to disconnect his account, which is the only way we communicated, for his own reasons. That hurts in a different way. I tried reaching out on that platform twice since,  but my messages remain undelivered.

Also, I think my mind went there because it’s happened many times before

I guess I assumed it was purposeful. I could try reaching out on another platform.

Well, things moved a lot faster than I thought. I reached out on another platform, and he called me. We spoke quickly, he asked about my move and general things. He said he didn’t want to be in contact with me. I asked if he could share why. He said it was because his girlfriend isn’t comfortable with that.

Fair enough. I feel like I’ve heard this before (because I have). I said I understood and left it at that.

How are you doing, friend?

nice. the ol throw the girlfriend under the bus routine.

"its my girlfriend, you see, shes uncomfortable with it. me? oh, well you see, i would be totally comfortable with it! but its just that she isnt, you see..."

im sorry  :hug:

Not great, thanks for checking in. Lots of thoughts going through my head. Man this sucks. I overanalyzed the situation, and find myself in this space again.


See, I believed him, but I guess now that you point this out it does sound like an easy cop out. I didn’t tell him but he had said the same thing last year, only to reconnect with me later without mentioning her. There is no point in arguing the point.
Maybe she’s the one for him, and a better fit.

I will respect his boundaries. I’m moving to a location physically closer to where he is. I have friends that are worried about this, because they think if he changes his mind, if something changes in his relationship, he might reach out to me because he knows I am there. I think that is unlikely.

If I’m being honest, I’m in between still waiting things out in a long game approach, and detaching with grace. I have changed this past year, and it culminated in my ability to have this conversation with him without being reactive and knowing I just have to let things be. My feelings are still in the mix, but I know that’s because I am human and I care about him, in my way.

Just wanted to say I really sympathize with you and your journey. One thing that stuck out to me was you said maybe she is a better fit for him a couple times. You also said that it is unlikely he will reach out to you. Why do you say this? Reason why I ask is because I do the same thing. Lately though I am realizing there really isn't going to be a "perfect" partner for them. They are going to have to meet halfway and do the work. I feel like they go back and forth chasing that dopamine. The triangulation keeps you involved and as a backup plan. Reading through your thread I am 99% confident that he will come back to you at some point. It is almost certain that his other relationship will falter eventually. I am getting better every day and I always hope I meet someone who really peeks my interest so I can move on and not be "stuck." However I know I'm gaslighting myself because I know I won't find my next person until I am truly committed to moving on. I imagine your friends know you well lol! Sounds like mine. They don't live your life however and the heart wants what the heart wants. You really have come so far and this work will be beneficial with him in the future or your next lucky partner!   

Hey Tina!  I saw your last post was over a week ago so I wanted to check in.  Just got home yesterday and I am now engaged.  It was probably the most amazing two weeks of my life.

Now about you.  I'm so sorry that he hurt you, but it was a good temperature check to see how far you've come.  Okay, so you still care and there may be some lingering feelings- which is perfectly natural.  Don't be hard on yourself and keep focusing on the good in your life.  You're doing great in a new town and he's still the same jerk.  You deserve better!

Let me know if I can do anything to help, we're here for you! 

Thank you for your reply, UnbalancedForce. When I was feeling very down, your message brought me a lot of comfort. That comfort is just what I needed to get me out of that funk.

I like your perspective that the effort I am currently putting in will be beneficial in the future, either with him or a new partner.

Right now, I see many posibilities in my future, don't feel particularly attached to any one of them, and trust that there is good ahead of me.

I thought more about how I would respond if he does reach out. I decided I would ask him questions to assess what his motivations are, whether he has done any reflecting of his own, and whether that version of him is one that can bring something to my life and not drain me (out of kindness to myself).


Hey Pook! First, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ENGAGEMENT  :wee: ! Truly happy for you  :hug:. Sending you positive vibes, and well wishes for the future. You deserve all the happiness.

Second, thanks for checking in. I took a step back to regain perspective after my last conversation with my ex. Life got busy again. You're right, what he said did hurt me. I am trying not to take it personally though.

A few things:

- I have to catch myself when I get into the distorted thought process that I am living some sort of tragedy. It's overly dramatic, and it's objectively false. I've been doing much better in a number of areas in my life without him in it. I've accomplished so many things I've dreamed of, by my own effort! Not to say he isn't a good person, but he isn't my person, not now, and I love myself enough to want better. He's not all that and a bag of chips  :)

- As for my future, I feel motivated to explore my unhealthy behaviours that surface when I ´like´ someone. I mentioned being interested in someone new (not a real potential match, since he is emotionally unavailable). I think this is an opportunity to grow. I made a list of what I see as Tina things that I can work on, so that whether I'm talking to someone new in the future or my ex again (with whom these behaviours come up as well), I can feel less of an energy drain. I'll make a post of what I came up with.

- I guess what sticks with me most is that, here I am struggling with all of this. I know it's because I cared and everything, but meanwhile he moved on a year ago, and is having a relationship with someone! Someone who he says is important to him. I wouldn't even consider engaging in a new relationship before settling these issues within myself, and it's HARD to face all this, so I get why maybe he would have brushed over some things, but still. That hurts me.

Okay so here are the behaviours I noticed that I engage in, both with my ex and with a person I liked.

1) I tend to put myself way down, and the other person on a pedestal. Why would they like me? If only I could prove to them that I am worth being with, I would be so lucky. ( red-flag)

2) I become unsure of myself to the point that I doubt myself over the wording of a simple message, and seek help from friends over such small aspects that I feel like I can't think for myself anymore. I have a fear that I will ´mess up´ to the point of no return. When I like someone, the nurturing side of me comes out, and I express my feelings through acts of service like cooking for them. I then get very hard on myself for doing too much, because what if the person feels like I am too much? I genuinely enjoy putting in the effort, but is it too soon, and in a way selfish of me to act this way?

3) I seek validation of my value through interactions with the person; if they respond positively, I feel good, if they don't, I feel bad.

4) I pour a lot of energy into the situation.

5) I think 5000 steps ahead, read way too much into the other person's actions.

It's exhausting!

I am not really sure how I will go about addressing these (suggestions are welcome!), but it's a place to start. I know now that I am pretty solid on my own. Since having a meaningful romantic relationship is something I want in my future, I think it's beneficial to work through these things now.

Hey Tina!  It's good that you're processing this and I'm exactly the same way- I want to plan everything far in advance and have backup plans to the backup plans if something goes wrong.  I've learned in myself that it was more about being in control than the planning though, a part of me always wanted to be prepared and have all the answers.  But what I went through with my ex when she left me for another man last year...there's just no planning through that.  My world imploded and for the first time ever, I had zero control over my marriage, my family. 

I was not okay for several months and like you, I'd finally think I was past everything...only to realize that I was just shutting off those emotions instead of actually dealing with them.  Your 1st and 3rd points, we all struggled with that so badly- how could he/she throw away our marriage?  What does that say about us?  How should we change to avoid that in the future?  And it's an endless loop of self-reflection to avoid one simple fact- our ex's broke us because they were broken from BPD.  It had nothing to do with us and everything to do with a mental disorder that we had no idea how to handle.

For your 1st point, we all have to accept that happiness comes from within us.  Others can make us happy, sure, but we have to stand on our own two feet and be comfortable in our own skin.  How can we love someone else if we don't love ourselves?  So much of that comes from the toxic relationships we were in and the billion times we were told that we're not good enough.  That's the lie that pwBPD tell us to feel better about themselves, and at some point we all have to stop believing it.

For your 2nd point, all I can say is that you need to be you.  If you're super loving, caring, giving...then that's who you are.  I'm the same in my life, I always spoiled my wife and kids as much as humanly possible.  It backfired, of course, and I was taken advantage of far too often, but that doesn't mean it was a bad thing.  That's who I am...that's who you are...and there's someone out there that will adore you for being you. 

I don't want to talk about me or my engagement here, but it got to the point where we were so close, so in sync over life, that I couldn't imagine living without her by my side.  And she feels exactly the same way, thanking me daily for being me.  There's a guy out there that will love you exactly for you Tina, so don't second guess ANYTHING!

For your 3rd point, it piggybacks on the first two and how you've had your self esteem crushed.  We all have and its our jobs to take it back.  I can see through your words on this computer screen that you're genuine, loving, caring...you're an awesome person!  Own that Tina and don't ever let someone take that from you again.

For your 4th and 5th points, I completely get it because I was the same way.  Today I'm content though in my own skin and I try not to plan on anything that's outside my immediate control.  For example, if we were meeting in person I'd get ready early, make sure the car has gas, leave 20 minutes early to avoid traffic, etc.  But for everything else, I'm just letting it play out since I have no control over the rest.  A thousand things could go wrong, sure, but I'm an adult and I can deal with each of them as they come my way.

Tina, my friend, you have to learn to believe in yourself once again and you have to trust your gut instincts.  If someone doesn't like you, then the heck with them.  If someone is mean, it's because they are a jerk.  That's just showing you the people you shouldn't invest any energy in.  As I said earlier, we were all traumatized and hit with waves of depression, anger, etc. as we navigated through all of this mess.  It is your choice when to let it all go though, and for me it was getting out of my head and stop trying to plan for everything. 

Even today, I'm finalizing my divorce and I have to talk to my ex soon about splitting up assets, etc.  And I think, what if she opens up and wants me back?  Would I break off the engagement with an amazing gal that's perfect for me and treats me like a king?  It honestly scares me because it's that little voice in the back of my head saying I don't deserve this amazing new relationship or that it's my responsibility to "save my wife".  So don't get me wrong, even now I still have doubts and my mind is telling me at times to fight for that toxic relationship that destroyed me last year. 

Why?  LOL, I have no idea because I'm the happiest I've felt in probably a decade.  Yet that little voice is still there anyway, trying to self-sabotage everything because sometimes I just can't stop thinking about the past.  I can tell you though that the past is dead and we can't change it, we can't fix it, and we can't live there in present time.  We have to live for today and tomorrow and the day after that.

There's zero chance I give my ex another shot, but I'm being 100% open here with my deepest thoughts and fears.  Those doubts will always be there, no matter how small, and we just can't listen to them.  I hope that helps.

Thank you for your reply, Pook!


I feel embarassed to ask this question, but here it goes. What makes him a jerk? I feel like I am not able to say what he has done. I know that I certainly don't feel great. But he was honest with me, albeit in his own strange way (after asking me details about my new salary, where I will be working, where I will be staying...that's kind of weird right?). I know I have the tendency to be naive. My friends also say ´after all he has done to you...´. But what has he done to me? I feel like most of this situation is my own fault, because I have difficulty letting go.


For a long time, I felt I needed to fix myself. What if nothing was broken to begin with?

I will make an effort to embrace myself, and to challenge the harsh thoughts that pop into my head.


Thank you for sharing your experience, and being vulnerable. It really does help a lot.

A lot of BPD / NPD people know how to manipulate you --- they are masters of it --- and you won't be able to even say exactly what they did but you feel dirty and used up and manipulated.   Often your friends and loved ones will be able to see it more clearly than you can.   Also the trauma bond wants to preserve itself, that's the bond in you, its own living entity.   One of the ways it does this is hijacks your psychology and convinces you that bad things they might have done "aren't that bad" you end up sort of lying to yourself without realizing it.   This is a topic I've been diving into a lot, because I think 99% of the problems discussed on this forum (by me too) would simply go away if we healed the trauma bond.

The simple answer is that any man who would make a woman doubt her own self worth is clearly a jerk.

One thing that always stuck with me was when we had my daughter in an in-house facility for BPD when she was unstable.  The nurse talking to us said that mental health has absolutely nothing to do with a person being nice or mean.  Those were conscious choices and while our kid couldn't always control her emotions, she could definitely choose to treat us good or treat us bad.  She went onto say that she'd had patients with every known mental illness, some much more severe than BPD, and many of them were super nice people who just happened to be mentally ill.

Maybe your ex isn't a monster like we'd see on the ID channel in those murder mystery shows, but he's certainly a jerk for devaluing you and treating you poorly.  My ex still speaks kindly to me, even though she wants nothing to do with me at the moment.  It's clearly a choice.

Thank you for your replies! I think it's important for me to see the situation as objectively as possible. I want to be clear headed and act in ways that put my well being first. Taking a moment to assess my behaviours was a helpful exercise. What I am working towards is a form of detachment from situations that used to send me in a spiral. Recognizing my own value, being myself, and letting go are all well earned lessons from my journey. Every day, I am growing closer to my goals. 

The other day, I was messaging that person I was interested in. The same physical symptoms of anxiety  resurfaced: heart dropping, metallic taste in my mouth. Is it related to my previous experiences? Probably. I told myself, Tina, why all the drama? For what? Take a step back and assess the situation. It really isn't serious. Your whole life isn't dependent on this. No one is worth such a reaction.

My ex is gone. I know that he might resurface at some point, but I don't want to hold my breath. He's gone, he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, and that's okay. If I hear from him again, I have an action plan. Those physical symptoms won't trick me into believing some miracle has occured and I get to talk to him. No. He's just a person.

 

Good for you.  It was a major turning point when I accepted that my ex doesn't get to dictate how I feel.  Detaching came quickly afterwards since my feelings finally relied on me (and no one else).  My default mood became happy and eager to see what the day had in store for me.  It wasn't long after that I found love as well- all off accepting that my ex did not have my best interests at heart.

It feels like you're getting really close to that as well.  Maybe he still has some emotional power over you, but at least you see it, accept it, and are actively working towards breaking those last few shoestrings connecting you.  All good stuff Tina!

My mood comes in waves. I was consistently happy for a while there (waking up with upbeat songs in my head!). It feels like I experience a “ricochet” effect sometimes, where I move forward to a new level of detachment and then regress back to how I was…maybe a year ago?

Lately, I’ve been feeling down. Crying, having thoughts that even I recognize as cognitive distortions. I miss him a lot. Thoughts about him pop up in my head. I try meditating, exercising, focusing on work, being around people I care about and…nothing.

Some friends, although happy for me, expressed concern over my move because I will be physically closer to my ex. I don’t think it’ll make any difference. What I feel now I think I will feel there.

I know there is nothing more I can do than what I’ve done. I respect his boundaries. I do feel like maybe, this time is the last time.

A warm thank you to this community, for being supportive and there and non judgemental, and meeting me where I am at. I am so grateful.

Hi tina7868, first of all, some  :hug: for you.

Not sure I have much wisdom to offer, just that I'm also coping with feelings that come in waves and change between "mostly okay" and very down (though it's not related to an ex).

You're not alone in feeling so down and sad, even while at the same time you can rationally identify and label what's going on in your head.

We're both here today. It's always good to hear from you;

kells76

Of course. You will always have support here and we are a fam.  |iiii

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Absolutely Tina, we're all here for you just like you're here for us.  We're all in this jumbled mess together.

I mentioned this in another thread but for me, it was realizing that even if my wife came back today- what would it be like?  Would we be madly in love like when we first met?  Or would I have to walk on eggshells, hold back my emotions, and pretend like things that really, really bother me aren't actually important? 

I really love the person I've become- it's like I'm the person that I was in high school and in college all over again.  That version of me died off many years ago because my ex didn't love me or respect me in a way that makes a successful marriage.  Who knew I could get that person back...that I was there the entire time?? 

I can't stop being me to appease my disordered wife, and you shouldn't stop being you either.  That's why how much I love my wife doesn't play into my future plans...I now love myself more (as we're all supposed to do).  Make sense?  Hopefully that helps.

Thank you all for your support. It is very humbling to have thought I was further along my journey than I am.

I feel like I can hear sound and logical things - if he came back today, it could be a bad thing for me ultimately, I could live my life in a relationship where I can’t express myself openly - but it’s all getting blocked against a wall.

The telling me he wants to date me again, the intense withdrawal after I couldn’t make it to see him, him dating and finding a partner who he has now been with for a year, the sporadic messaging and calls that dissipated into nothing at all, not telling me about it, blaming it on his girlfriend.

I still want to hear from him. I keep asking, do you think I will hear from him again? Do you think it is the last time? To my friends and family. They tell me it doesn’t matter. It does matter to me.

Hi tina--still here, still reading, and still sending support your way. As others have said above, we're all in this together! You've come so far in your process, and reading about your journey has helped to inspire me, too.


I get this. Your friends and family care about you and want to protect your heart. It sounds like they are trying to judge your focus away from him a bit, and encourage you to focus a bit more on yourself.

Who do you want to be five years from now? How do you want to feel? What goals do you want to achieve? What kind of day-to-day life do you want?

Hi Tina,  I gather you are still hurting quite a bit.  I had a similar experience, with my ex coming back wanting to get back together, I wouldn’t agree to, she discarded.  Even though the manipulation pattern might be obvious to someone on the outside looking in, it still hurt because the trauma bond with her is still intact, which makes your mind play the lots of tricks on you that you talked about, like wondering if they will ever contact you again, etc.  Its all essentially the trauma bond trying to renew itself.   This last time I clearly saw that every interaction — even if its her wanting to get back together and validating the part of me that still craves validation — every interaction will be painful.  So I can’t engage with her at all and have to leave her blocked on everything and not respond even if she circumvents the blocks.  Its a terrible position to be in, sad to think it is necessary to do this to someone who we once loved, but this seems to be the point from which real healing can occur, once you fully accept that its over.

Thank you for your messages.

It's been rough for the past couple of days. I know that all the change going on in my life is contributing to the way I feel. The intrusive thoughts are mainly about how he must be happy with his girlfriend, how he chose her over me.

I ended our last conversation saying if he changed his mind about reconnecting, I would be there. I am worried that I should have said something else. I also know that the best thing to do in the long run, not just from a hope for reconciliation point of view but also from a detachment point of view, is to respect his boundaries, focus on myself, and let him reach out to me

I ended our last conversation saying if he changed his mind about reconnecting, I would be there. I am worried that I should have said something else. Do I count that as the last time we spoke?


I realize I feel frustration when talking to them because, as receptive and kind and attentive as they are, what I need to hear is ´I think you will hear from him again, Tina. The circumstances in your life should have nothing to do with how you identify yourself. You have so much value and love to give. I really do think he will contact you again, I think you being closer to him will change things. Be patient, keep your head up, and focus on your day to day´. I can't convince myself of that, and so I keep beating around the point when I share my feelings with others, but it's never enough to make me feel better.
Someone asked me this question not too long ago. I struggled to answer it! It is hard for me to imagine myself feeling past how I feel now, although I know logically I will feel better. Realistically, I know I will still have good and bad days. I hope that the stable, peaceful, content version of myself dominates. I also know that is the version of me that would have the best chance of having a successful relationship with my ex. Otherwise, I hope to have traveled, to have accomplished career goals, and to have a nice big kitchen to cook in  lol.

Hi tina--if I can read between the lines a bit here: It sounds like you (a) are hoping your ex reaches out, (b) feeling responsible for whether he reaches out or now, based on what you last said, and (c) feel like you need him to reach out in order to be happy.

This is a really painful place to be stuck in. I've been stuck in a similar space for much of the past year. Sleepless nights of checking my phone to see if my ex had texted/called/emailed. Replaying our last interaction endlessly in my head to try and figure out what I could have done differently. Worrying and obsessing over the future. Intrusive thoughts about my ex's new relationship and how it must be so much better than ours was. It hurt so bad to be stuck in that emotional place. I was defining myself based on the breakup, and whatever my ex did/didn't do after the breakup. I was letting my identify and self-worth be determined by my ex. Most of all, I was stuck.

It sounds like your friends are telling you what you *know* intellectually to be true, but emotionally it doesn't *feel* true yet. And that's totally ok! Oftentimes our brains and our hearts change at different paces.

I have *known* for a long time that I don't need my ex to be happy. I never did. But it hasn't started to *feel* true until pretty recently. I still have down days. But I'm also having more frequent up days. I'm starting to be able to envision a future without her. I'm still sad about the breakup. I still miss her. I still care about her. I'm still mad at her. But I don't think about her quite as much as I used to.

As stuck as you feel right now, know that I see you growing across the various threads and posts on these boards.

Thanks cranmango  :) I’m so glad to hear you’ve been feeling more of a sense of alignment. The way you describe being stuck is exactly how I felt. It really sucks.

I have been feeling better today. A big stress has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels like I dislocated a muscle, and now it’s been put back in place. I read my posts over the past few days and feel compassion.

I think acceptance and honesty with myself helped a lot. I accept that a part of me will always love him. He meant a lot to me. He was there during my formative years. His presence influenced me and helped me grow. The relationship didn’t work out not only because of external circumstances, but also because we were young and didn’t know ourselves. Neither of us had good examples growing up of what a healthy relationship looks like. And then throw in mental health aspects into the mix. It didn’t survive.

And that’s okay. I still love him, from afar. I think I was worried that a future partner might erase what this meant to me. Instead, if I can share my experience with a future partner and they accept that, I do feel my heart opening to new experiences.

All of this is my perspective. I can’t speak to what the relationship meant to him, and I know it isn’t up to me to force him to take stock of the role our relationship might or might not have had in his life. I can speak for myself; I loved him in the way I knew how at the time, it was messy but it was deep.

Okay my speech is done  lol

Hi tina--sounds like you 'rode the wave' and came  out on the other side. I am so glad to hear it.


Wow. Kudos to you for having such a balanced perspective. This is great stuff. I am going to save this one, to come back to when I need a reminder for myself, too!

Hello everyone! These past few weeks have brought a lot of change in my life (and a lot still to come).


It makes me feel peaceful reading this. It is quite relevant given recent events. After having reflected myself and felt ready to embrace a future where I meet someone new, I reached out to my ex to ask if he would mind sharing his perspective about our past relationship. I tried to make it clear that this would be a one off thing. I had realized that there was a lot of confusion that lingered for me around the time he started his current relationship. I was ready to hear the truth (like maybe he just lost interest).

His response felt hurtful to me, denied my request, and said we wouldn't talk again. Ouch! That threw me off more than I'd like to admit. While I understood that underneath it all it comes down to his own choices not to be kind, nor deal with his feelings, I regressed. I felt plagued with intrusive thoughts and my mind relived events from the past as though they happened yesterday.

These past few days, I have been giving myself more compassion. I can finally say, yes, I felt hurt. I felt led on for three years, during which he interacted with me just enough to have me feel a sense of hope that there was a potential future between us. Intentionally or not, that's what happened, nothing more. I had genuine feelings for him and made it clear (despite whatever abandonment issues he may have, he himself has expressed that he knew I cared about him). BPD diagnosis or not, he was selfish. All of the efforts I put into understanding him, posting here trying to find how to approach the situation to have some sort of relationship with him, amount to nothing, because they're based on nothing of substance.

I feel like I can finally cut the cord between us. I wish him well, but I want to keep my head up. I have put in so much effort into growing, it would be a shame to bring myself down for someone who wasn't meant for me.

I still wonder whether this really is the end or whether I will hear from him again. I moved to a new city for a job that has me closer to where he lives, and he knows it, and part of me wonders how that would play out. Yet, that's all out of my control.

I realized in the past three years, there has not been a period longer than 3 months between times we have been in contact. That both scares me, and brings me hope. The part that is scared is saying ´what if it's really over´ and the part that has hope thinks, if I make it that far this time, if he doesn't contact me, that could be the greatest thing, I can finally be free.

You are FREE if you CHOOSE it. You have the power and the control.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I choose to be FREE!

Another truth has sunk in. I was so unhappy in that relationship, and later in that situationship! I acted (or it felt in my head) like it was so important for me to win him back, like peace would be restored. Not at all! I am remembering. Rumination that kept me up all night, feeling like if I could just explain myself properly maybe I’d be understood, acting in ways that I am not proud of. I wasn’t present with friends, it held me back so much from being myself.

I did the exact same thing and finally had the exact same realization- what was it I wanted to rush back into?  My ex always putting herself first, feeling alone 90% of the time, and never having a true adult conversation with my partner?  Why would any sane person possibly want that?

And that's when it sort of hit me.  Instead of rising up in my own life, I was sinking down in co-dependence and letting her BPD control every outcome.  Maybe she can't overcome it and seek the proper help, but surely I can overcome her mental illness and accept the situation for what it is.  So I stopped chasing, stopped wondering all those "what ifs", and just accepted that I wasn't going to sacrifice myself any longer.  That's not love.

 |iiii :hug:

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Hello  :hi: Hope you are doing well!

Today I woke up with a very weird feeling - a sense that he is closeby. I know it sounds weird and I don't know how to explain it. I feel restless and like something is going to happen. The thought of something happening makes me feel anxious, but the thought of nothing happening makes me even more anxious. If I were to describe this anxious feeling more, I would say I feel like I can't move much, my body feels frozen while my mind is racing.

I will accept that I feel this way and that it's part of the process. All these feelings really lead me to think that I am the problem - why can't I just enjoy the peace in my life? The fact that he is leaving me alone is allowing me the space I needed to heal. I feel like I am getting in my own way.

So my dear Tina...you have come a long way and it is indeed a hard process. However, I do have to ask...is there something in your background where there was a traumatic experience where you were left alone, abandoned, or really hurt because you were promised something and it didn't come to fruition?

In your history have you been the one to break up or the one getting broke up with?

I am probing a bit because you are getting in your own way because your focus is still placed on him instead of yourself. When I say yourself that doesn't just mean the now. That also means doing the uncomfortable deep dive to resolve issues you may have compartmentalized and forgotten about.

As much as this is a grieving experience and process this is also a learning and reflection process and experience.

Again, please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thank you for your kind message, SC.

I can't think of a specific experience that hurt me, but there has definitely been an unstable dynamic in my family that led me to be used to feeling let down. There was a lot of fighting between my parents when I was growing up, and certain poor financial decisions made by my father led us to move around a lot and only settle later in my teenage years. I learned to not trust him when he made promises, but there was always a part of me that wanted to believe in him. His moods were sometimes very joyous and kind and generous, and other times moody and distant or raging. I thought in my mind as a child that if I was well behaved and interesting and funny maybe he would spend more time with us at home instead of sometimes disappearing for days. Amidst all of this, a close family member had a mental illness that required a lot of attention. I would feel resentful because I wanted attention and then guilty because it was not their fault. Although I know my upbringing affects me, I don't think my experience was especially traumatic compared to a lot of other people's, and I am grateful for a lot.

I have reflected on my childhood and how it led me to become who I am today. When my ex came along, he definitely had many traits and we formed dynamics that in hindsight remind me of my dad. For example, him threatening to kill himself if I left him was something I had seen a lot of growing up (both my dad and him even held knives, it was such deja vu!), and I weirdly equated that sort of behaviour with love (I recognize now it's more in line with manipulation). Me feeling like I am waiting for him to ­­´come around´ is also reminiscent of how I felt when I was younger. It's really hard for me to let go.  I had been attached to older male figures before my ex with intense crushes, but have not had a serious relationship before or since.

I feel as this is playing out that I really am far behind in my process. I feel like my ex isn't the bad guy here - I am the one who was too attached, and trying to play out an ending to my own story where I can prove my worth. I feel like maybe he was justified in being so harsh with me. This shift in perspective comes after all these years of my friends and family saying that he wasn't good for me - what if all along they didn't see the truth, which is that I am the one who is stuck like this?

Tina do me a solid here...read through what you posted to me. Can you connect any dots with your last paragraph and the preceding body of your response?

I will be honest with you that my response was kind of a trick question in the sense that I wanted you get your thoughts written out and then have the ability to go over your words to see if you yourself can decipher any patterns.

Let me know what you come up with and think.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I am not going to write what I usually say when I reflect on the similar behaviours between my dad and my ex, and focus more on how I see them, because this is something that sticks out to me.

I seem “protective” of both of them in a similar way. I admit they have done things that hurt me, but I am quick to say that they have their strengths and that I feel like I almost deserved to be treated. I give them a lot of “outs” because I don’t believe either of them is a bad person. Then, even if I know logically that it doesn’t serve me to keep hope up, it still stays alive somewhere in my heart.

I’d like to add that as the years went by, my father did “mellow out” quite a bit so to speak. He isn’t nearly as aggressive in his way of speaking, has a bit more self-awareness, and above all, I’ve learned to accept him as he is, limitations and all. So even when he does behave in a way that would have disappointed me  in the past, I’ve learned to take it with a grain of salt, or if he is talking badly about someone who “wronged and who he will never talk to again” him, that he will change his mind in an hour. Oh wow even more similarities!

So I think I do conflate these two people, and just as I never wanted to give up on my dad, I place all that intensity on someone who had a very different perspective.

 It makes sense, but knowing me, I really don’t think I can give up, despite how short sighted it is.

Hello! Posting an update. Time has flown by. I’ve taken many steps forward, and can honestly say I am in a much better place. I took a long anticipated trip that helped me detach from my day to day life, and it was healing. My number is disconnected for now, and I am considering changing it permanently - for real! - to keep up this separation in my mind. Space has helped immensely, as time passes memories get more fuzzy. I can’t remember his face very well. I am committed to leaving this situation in the past. I see now that I was the one getting continuously hurt, and hoping something would change. It’s time to do something different, and take a big, real step to leave it all behind me, where all of this belongs!

I heard some news that leads me to believe my ex may not be doing well. I tell myself that he has a good support network (his family, his girlfriend) and so I hope he is safe, but I find myself wishing I could check up on him. I know that is not my place anymore, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want that from me, which makes me sad all over again.

Anyways, glad again that these boards exist! I realize I tend to post mostly in down moments, but I do feel much better overall.

Tina,

I've read this thread with much interest, as parts of it resonate with my own experience. I'm really happy to hear of where you're at now, and am grateful for you (and others here) sharing your experiences and journeys. It's very much valued!

Hey Heartbroken94,

I appreciate you taking the time to write this message :) . Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings any time!

While we are here to help you heal, I challenge you to post here when you are up and doing well in addition to when you are down. Change the status quo and create balance so this is a safe space for you to be you and not just a place where you deal with the negatives. In essence, consider this my way of helping guide toward doing things you want to do because you want to do them not because you feel you need to.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I guess I don't post much when I am doing well because I feel like I haven't ´made it´ completely yet. In the sense that I still have moments where I focus on whether I will hear from him again or not, and then frustrated because I am putting focus on the wrong thing, then I accept that I think that way sometimes but it doesn't mean I have ´failed´ completely. I noticed that it is hard for me in general to recover from making mistakes (I am getting better at seperating making mistakes from being a bad person).

I have been taking a more global approach to my growth and putting things into perspective. I think moving away has given me a chance to see myself for who I am in a new environment, the things I carry over. I find that I still carry over deep caring for my friends and family now far away, but at the same time I don't feel the need to search for new connections so much because I am happy to spend time by myself. I love nature and reading and cooking. I feel like I have so much to learn still about life. Like letting go of the small things, but also the ´big´ things, because what is the point of worrying about things you can't change?

I feel like I am a lot more receptive to things that I was told before, and didn't really sink in until now. Like the person I am thinking of when I imagine him never really existed, at least not for me. Like the memories are enough, and a commitment to myself to move forward is the best thing I could do for myself.

I feel like I'm rambling  lol. A good day for me is a mixture of keeping busy, but also times where I ´face´ the truth, difficult aspects and all, and feel at peace.

More ponderings! I realized even more deeply today how the idea or the person I was pining over wasn't the person who really existed.

I was talking to a close friend about how I had always thought that my ex resembled a fun loving, confident and committed person we both know, but I was starting to think maybe I wasn't seeing things objectively. To which she did not hold back and said that I was delusional for thinking that they were similar lol. Not only was I conflating personalities, but I was also attaching my hopes and dreams and the lifestyle that I wanted. All on this person who I can't even say I know anymore. To the point where part of me feels bad for him; that wasn't loving on my end, because truly loving someone means being known and embraced fully for who you really are. That wasn't fair to him.

When we did talk a few times over the year, it was still heavily focused on harsh judgements of other people that didn't really make sense to me, and the same complaints about people who he oscillates between loving and hating, and interrogation-like interest into my life. Yet I spun everything to make it seem like maybe there was more than meets the eye.

Would I have felt this way about him if I really knew him? Or rather, if I accepted him as he was based on his actions, when he showed who he really was? The answer is, I probably would have. I just feel that now, being older and having a better understanding of these things, I can take things for what they are instead of holding on to what I dreamed of in my head.

My dear making mistakes is a part of life. We all screw up. I like to think I am a pretty good person, but oh good lord there are plenty of faults and I make mistakes...granted not many because I typically learn from them or at least strive to and the make the effort to, but I still screw up with the best of them sometimes. Making a mistake just means you are human and you are normal. Nothing more, nothing less.

You are not rambling. We are listening and paying attention. You are just sharing and allow yourself the freedom to do so. Essentially what I am guiding you towards is to be more vulnerable and being comfortable and confident with it. That means sharing regardless of your mood. You do not have to put on a facade here. Just be you. If you can get comfortable doing that here there is a high probability it will transfer to real world in your personal everyday life as well.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thank you for the reassurance. I think accepting and loving myself for who I am, all the sides of me, will allow me to recognize and accept people for who they are as well. Which also means that they are human, have their own things they are going through, and don't are free to make their own choices. Which in turn, makes me feel like I can detach even more.

I have been feeling that I can be happier for him than before. In the sense that, if he found someone who truly sees him and cares for him for who he is, he deserves that. We all deserve that (myself included). I made the mistake of projecting my hopes and dreams onto him, seeing him as representing a lifestyle that I didn't believe I could attain myself because of a more conservative upbringing. Yet here I am, making own choices!

I don't know if it's not fully detached of me to say that I would still be open to talking to him again, if he ever reappears, even years down the line. I feel like I could connect with him and see him in a new way; for who he is, not for who I wanted him to be. The person he is doesn't owe me anything, is his own person, and I feel like I could leave it at that. Is it sentimental, or showing something I need to work on? I am not feeling as though I need this to be happy though. I am looking towards more spiritual practices of late to feel ´full´, and it's been really fruitful. I can care for someone, and in a way to truly care for them is to assess what they need, and accept that maybe that is giving them space :)

I am feeling philosophical again!

I had a nice day, I got myself to venture out for a solo hike, and a group of hikers asked me if I wanted to join them. It was really nice to be out in nature, and connect with friendly people. I also had a touching conversation with my dad...it was very healing for me. My new job has been stimulating, and I think it will be a welcome challenge to work in this environment.

I read some of my old posts from over a year ago now. How time flies! My heart goes out to my past self. I think I learned a lot of lessons. I can see now that, while my ex had lost feelings for me, I was so entrenched in how I wanted things to be that I ignored all of what his actions were indicating and clung to how things used to be. I was also ignoring what he was actually saying, because, okay today you're saying you don't want to talk to me, but then you said the same thing last month and then came back saying that I checked all the boxes for you and you loved me. Oh gosh, I don't blame myself; it was confusing, and there was zero closure. I can also see why friends and family felt so frustrated (but still put up with me thankfully   lol). I would have told myself ´Girl you're wasting your precious time on this planet! Why do you value yourself so little? ´. I don't know if anyone can relate, but I also feel like the previous cycles did something to my brain where I was addicted to waiting for that ´high´ when I heard from him again, slot machine style. But like, no, he doesn't care about me in that way and hasn't for who knows how long. And that's okay!

I'm getting a more global view of the situation, as time passes, and recognizing that there were so many elements to sift through, no wonder it felt like I was all over the place. I am still having insights. To the point where I feel like okay I don't want any more thank you  lol


It is a bit weird to be quoting myself   *) I just think this was 2 months ago now, and I am indeed feeling more free. What will 4 months look like? 6 months? It doesn't scare me anymore, I feel more curious about what life has in store for me.

Today's reflection is : it's okay to feel tired and sad.

I had a long week with work. I felt compelled to make myself do it all; go for long walks, cook healthy meals, do yoga, journal, stay on top of extra studying I wanted to do to learn about new subjects...and today I just didn't feel like keeping it up. My mind, automatically, went down a path of rumination. What if I never find a partner? What if I never hear from my ex again? I thought I really missed him, I felt a pain in my heart...but hold up, these things didn't bother me yesterday. I didn't feel that way. Not to say it isn't valid to feel hurt because you miss someone, but in my case I have moved passed that. Did I move backwards?

No, I was just tired from a long week, and feeling down. And it's normal. It's okay. I recognize all the good in my life, I'm grateful for it, but it's also okay to take time. It's okay to feel bored. It doesn't have to do with my ex, not at all. My brain is just used to jumping to that, I really recognize that now. I can be patient and take it easy on myself.

Some wonky thinking patterns I have noticed:

- when I do something remotely ´wrong´, even if not very significant, like mess up a recipe, or feel upset, or feel like I don't look nice, I feel a tightening and my thinking will snowball into how I am not good enough, that this is why he didn't want to be with me
- I am getting better at this, but making decisions with the lens of what he would think of my choice

In addition to the thinking pattern I wrote about in my last post, I think these thoughts are remnants that come from stronger impulses that I had in the past. I think they come from me, from force of habit, and it's in my power to notice them, and gently tell myself that I don't want to think that way anymore. It is okay to make mistakes, I am still worthy of love. I am working on paying attention to what I want, and doing in because I want to find inner peace and purpose.

My ex was a ghost in my head that I gave so much power to, and was feeding into even when he wasn't around. No one should hold that much power over me.

Nice thoughts Tina. I've been following along on your journey for a while, and just wanted to thank you for your posts and insights and sharing this all with us. It helps us all, and I can very much identify with you and your path.

I very much get this idea of his voice in your head, commenting on the choices you make and criticizing you. I have the very same thing...her voice is in my head when I eat food that she might not approve of, or if I write some business stuff for LinkedIn...she's there, commenting on it. Telling me it's not good enough, it's bad. Which, of course, she did very often.

A ghost in the head, indeed. And by the way, in my extensive reading and video watching on cluster b disorders, this is a very common thing for partners to experience. Sam Vankin talks about this, his former protege Richard Brannon, Dr. Ramani...they all talk about this voice in your head of your ex, judging and criticizing. It made me feel somewhat a little better to know this isn't unusual.

Hi jaded7, thank you for your reply! I'm sorry you experience a similar critical voice. I did not know about how this can be a common experience for people, that is validating and makes me hopeful that it will go away with time.

very, very common Tina. Those YouTube channels will have videos on it. I hope you can look them up.

My own therapist called that voice an 'introject', which I guess is the opposite of a projection, which is something that goes outward. The introject is inwards, into our minds.

Our partners criticized, belittled, called names, yelled, shamed, and put us down. We take that to heart. The thinking, for me at least, was...well, she loves me and a person who loves me wouldn't lie to me about myself, and certainly wouldn't intentionally make me feel bad. Therefore, what she's saying about me MUST be true and I simply didn't see it. And she's telling me these things because she wants me to be better, and I WANT to be better for her. I want to make her feel loved and accepted.

Of course, her verbal putdowns and belittling make me feel unloved and not accepted.

So we believe the things they are saying about us, and those criticisms become internalized. Which is to say, their voice becomes an introjection.

Very often, these voices of our partners mimic or are similar to a voice we heard as children. So they can amplify a voice that was already there.

Tina, just letting you know I'm still following along and paying attention. ;-) It would appear you did take that nudge from me and ran with it. Happy to see that.  |iiii You are making progress every day...trust me. Even if it doesn't feel like it you are.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thank you for sharing, I am glad to become more aware of this. I am trying to find a balance between learning about the psychology behind the dynamics in the relationship, and putting it all behind me as a thing of the past that I experienced and not look back. Although I guess since my thought patterns are still affected by what happened, it's worthwhile to look into.


Thanks SC :) . You're right in saying that it doesn't feel like I'm making progress sometimes!

Today I finally get some time off after several busy days in a row. I'm taking the time to relax, since I learned that I really need that! I've made a few friends in this new city. When it comes to romantic interests, I'm not even in that headspace. My approach is to let things unfold naturally, and be open. For some reason it's been hard for me to even imagine myself with someone new. I can see sharing a connection with someone, getting to know them, holding their hand...then I feel something is wrong, I start having mental imagery of my ex doing this with his girlfriend.

I don't even know much about their relationship obviously, just the tidbits he had mentioned the handful of times we've spoken over the last year. What is making me sad about it exactly? I'm not sure. Misplaced loyalty? A trauma bond connection that is taking time to break? I know it's perfectly normal and okay to have many relationships, and that's a way to learn and grow. I would tell that to a friend, and also tell them that they deserve someone who loves and respects them. I believe there is abundance in this world. Maybe I'm just not ready yet.

These thoughts make me very sad. I know this is so so corny, but I really do feel like I put my whole heart into that relationship. I know I wrote about how I didn't see him for who he really was, but in a way I was committed to him as a person, no matter what. I see it like, if he fell ill or became disable physically, without a moment's hesitation I would have stayed committed. I would have accepted him as he is, and still gone on loving him.

I don't know how much sense that makes. The other part of my mind knows this is not the best way to love someone without limitations or conditions, because then it puts you obviously in a position where you can end up in a bad situation and not leave. Also, I don't know if I would have been able to grow and learn as much if we had not broken up, and I recognize and love myself enough as I am today that I do believe it was worth it in the long run. Finally, with this vision of relationships, when the other person does leave well you're in the position I am in; not necessarily worse off, yet not able to imagine being someone else, while they have moved on and (in my case) don't want anything to do with you.

you are still grieving and mourning that loss.

that is, in part, why it may feel like there isnt room in your heart yet for a significant other (even if there is room or growing room for other connections).


i dont want to say "it takes time" (because time alone does nothing but dull pain, and paradoxically can open you up to processing pain you couldnt before), but it will likely take a long time to really see the fruits of your labors. it took me a few years, and a couple more bad relationships. what im talking about isnt just starting to make different decisions, or feeling better. im talking about growth, maturity, resilience. i can see that fruit growing now.


i can tell that you really loved him.

our own love can often look immature, fantastical, or lacking, in hindsight. thats because ideally, it is always growing, always evolving. i dont think that diminishes it. we love with the capacity we have at the time.

stop me if i am either wildly off base, or captain obvious late to the party, but it strikes me that in all of this, that tina wanted to be loved the same way she loved. i suspect you were, and to some extent pride yourself in being, a loving and adoring partner, one that builds her partner up, one that will look right past your flaws and love you in spite of them. and you gave it your all. you didnt need him to be your "equal" in that regard, either; just to accept it and return it.

and if im right? im sorry that it wasnt in him to do that.

i hope that you dont lose it, though. it isnt the lesson, or a lesson.

but to some extent, tina invested a great deal of herself in that outcome. you arent just grieving the loss of him, but the loss of that investment/outcome, and i get the sense something is telling you that it wasnt enough, that you arent enough.

giving her that love is the antidote.

and if im wildly off base, hopefully some of it still applies. we are rooting for you, and youre going to be just fine. five years from now, you will not recognize any of this, but youll still be learning from it.

Thank you for your reply, once removed.


I definitely feel a ´loosening´ in my mind to approach some things that I couldn't before, like how I didn't see what was really happening in front of me, how he's with someone else now, and how the relationship wasn't a healthy one and we both deserved better. I don't feel anymore like I need reassurance that I will hear from him again (which was the case when I started this thread!). It's more like I am trying to learn to live with myself and accept who I am to the best of my abilities.

(http://www.[quote]I can tell that you really loved him.[/quote])

Thanks for validating that, I really appreciate it. Despite very good intentions of those around me who provide their love and support, I definitely get a sense that I should be passed all of this.


You are right.

I told a friend not too long ago a summarized version of all that happened. It was a roadtrip and there is something about that setting that makes it fun to open up lol. It was...interesting, I guess, to summarize my experience, and notice the change in how I saw things, especially since this friend had never met my ex. I bring this up because he said something similar to what you wrote, that he can just tell that I would give a lot of myself to my partner, and he thought that whoever was on the receiving end of this should hold on to that because they are very lucky. I don't know about that, but some tther things he said were also insightful.

He seemed not to like some of the things my ex has done (I tried to be very neutral), particularly the bits where my ex seemed to string along (I guess talking, not talking, talking, not talking). He also noticed that I am very protective in the way I speak about my ex, which I admit I am.



I think back to the past three years, when we weren't together. (This makes me think of how my ex said something like ´it's been three years, get over it´. That was hard to hear). It's like he would say the exact things that would get me, like ´your name fits so well with my last name´, ´that's very wifey material of you´, ´even from so far away you're the only person I think about´, and generally making plans of me moving out to be with him. Maybe I was reading into it too much. I know now, people say things like that and don't mean them, because of manipulation, or even maybe they meant it when they said it but then they change their mind. That's okay! It happens! I guess I do get tripped up because if I said it I would have meant it. I would not have gone back on it.

I know the world doesn't work that way, but I work that way. And I realize also now, it's not my ex's burden to bear that I am someone like this. My friend said someone would be lucky to be loved like this, but maybe my ex doesn't want that, not with me, and that's okay too. Maybe it was too much for him, maybe with someone else there is a type of love that suits him better. I guess accepting that makes me sad. Maybe it came from a place of arrogance or ego that I used to think that there was something special between us, that he would come back because of it. He is not some character in my story, he has his own story.


I am trying, and this forum has helped me so much. I thought healing would have me not posting here at all anymore, but even after all this time I feel like people understand me here.

So Tina, I'm glad I cracked you out of your shell in the sense you are posting here regardless of good or bad. You are among friends here and yes we understand you. Continue on and always know we are listening, paying attention, and we do indeed understand and "Get You".

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thanks SC!


Reading this over really makes me feel seen. Also kind of sad, but not in a bad way. In a deep level of acceptance kind of way.

The way I see things keeps evolving, and I keep evolving. Right now, what I would say to him is :

I am sorry that I was not aware.
I believe the reason we met was to learn and grow. I am sorry we met before I learned things that could have made me a better partner.
I am happy you found someone that is there for you.
I release you.

Obviously the phrasing is weird lol . Also, I don't need to say this to him to feel it and know it's true.

Hello! In a couple of days, it will have been 3 months since my last contact with my ex. If you consider when he `unplugged` (although I wasn't aware enough to realise it  :hi:), it's been about 6 months.

That 6 month mark is more scary to consider! I feel like in this time I have grown more than before. It's because I've been able to consider things that were too difficult to even phantom. What the relationship actually was like, my own past, my mistakes, and finally, the most difficult one of all, the idea that my feelings weren't reciprocated like I thought they were.

I have felt so validated and accepted here, being met where I am at, with some gentle, yet understanding, nudging along the way. I am so grateful for this community. At this point, it feels a lot more like I am the focus of my journey.

I either hear from him or I don't. I don't think I am truly detached because I would still welcome hearing from him. Even knowing the relationship was a messy one, and that he is not the person I thought he was, and that he is with someone else...I must sound crazy. All this growth, and I still feel that. It's not that I don't love myself enough to think I deserve to be happy. I actually feel that way more than ever.

if this is the case, i am in pretty deep denial  *)

you can go so far in your journey beyond bpd here.


reading this gave me a flashback. i did this too! in fact, after my endless ruminating sessions with people irl, i always had to end it on begging/making them telling me id hear from her again. i needed conviction behind it, too.

id completely forgotten. the odds are, you will too. that might have seemed scary at one time, or it might even now, but at a certain point in the Detaching process, there isnt really any going back. you may find yourself looking back with hesitance, but at the same time, youre picking up speed, unstoppable momentum.


let yourself grieve.

there is such a thing as unhealthy grieving. there is such a thing as protracted, complex grief that at a point, enters into the realm of disorder. there is also your typical "getting stuck", which usually happens at  some point to all of us.

none of that is ideal. but nothing made my grieving easier like when i let go (to a reasonable extent. healthy benchmarks are not a bad thing) of those "shoulds". it is kind of a societal holdover to say things like "if someone hurts you, kick them to the curb". or "no one youre crying over is worth your tears". you may not believe either of those things, but those sorts of pressures we put on ourselves to heal.

we all kinda got our asses kicked. no sense in doing that to ourselves in our grief. we should be passed all that  *)


i think thats noble. the beatles were the same way after their breakup. oh, george harrison and john lennon could talk your ear off about what a bastard paul mccartney supposedly was. but theyd deck you if you did it.


i can imagine it would be  :hug:

i get the sense that with the effort you put into loving him, there is, or was, a profound sense of rejection, or, rejection might not even be quite as accurate as just a feeling of not being enough, or just...not accepted/appreciated/reciprocated. but somewhere in that neighborhood. it makes sense, your own unique story aside, with people with bpd traits generally being either so radically accepting, or radically rejecting, its easy to feel either or both so powerfully. i mean, like you, it wasnt exactly the idealization that drew me in, which she did plenty of; i never invested a lot in the idea that i was the greatest, or the sexiest, or whatever synonym for perfect i was hearing on a given day (not that it wasnt pretty cool  *) )


it was the fact that she said all the right things, like a language between us she couldnt have possibly picked up anywhere. it felt right. it felt like love. it couldnt be faked.


i had an on and off girlfriend when i was in high school. the first time that we got together, she started talking about our future kids. boy did i take that seriously, id never experienced anything like it. when we broke up (less than a month later), in my grief, i wrote a letter to "our child". i mean, as seriously as any 15 or 16 something can feasibly do, i grieved the heck out of the loss of that future. thinking about and typing this now just has me cracking up.

dont get me wrong. teenagers profess their undying love to each other all the time, and it is more than a bit different in adulthood. whether its the loss of the future, the loss of what we invested in, the loss of what (ourselves) we invested, it isnt just a real loss, but a major one. but you are right: it happens.


and i hope that that never changes. it is a fundamental and good part of who you are. as i said, it would be tragic i think, to walk away with the lesson that there is anything even strategically disadvantageous, let alone wrong, with working that way.

but understand, that you have, you are, and you will (change). possibly no more any time than now, but for the rest of your life. this, and he, may always be a significant part of your journey. for me personally, it is both ancient history, and one of the most significant times of my life. that may diminish over the course of it, or it may not; i can only say it continues to teach me lessons.

but how you feel about him now is different than it was then, or even when you started this thread. that would even be true if the outcome had been different. it will be true for all of your future partners.


full disclosure: i have not spoken to my ex in over 12 years now, since we broke up. she could contact me any time. she isnt blocked anywhere. id be polite to her. it would not be any emotional burden to me to speak to her. i wouldnt say id welcome it, because its ancient history, i have no interest, and in one of her final acts, she crossed a line in terms of who im willing to have in my life. i dont have any lasting grudge, or any difficulty forgiving her, just more of a "whats the point". if i had the interest, id reach out.

your willingness to hear from him is not a marker of a lack of detachment. if you are measuring detachment, a better marker would be how hearing from him would affect you. the ability to be around him (hypothetically) and thrive, would speak better to your detachment than a need to hide from him, for example (and it wouldnt be inherently wrong if you did, but it would speak to your detachment). emotionally depending on hearing from him is different, of course. it would have been a turning point when i no longer needed people to tell me that it would happen. i dont really consider it a turning point that i decided "id rather not", just part of my own journey.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332589.0

this is both beautiful, and palpably painful to read. it is all stage 3-5 stuff. imagine the tina of one year ago, or even three months ago having written it.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, once removed. What you wrote helped me not only feel validated, but also put things into perspective as part of a larger process of growth.


Thank you for writing this especially, as I hadn`t paused to realize how much my perspective has changed.

I had an interesting exchange with a close friend, who has been by my side through everything. I was sharing with her some of my new insights. Her reading of the situation went back to a part of the story that I believe I shared a while ago (and forgot about lately  lol), when last year I was planning to visit him (with the understanding of eventually moving out and being with him), and my plans fell through. His own hopes had been raised (he had said something along the lines of `I am so excited (about seeing you), that I am scared`), only to crash and feel, possibly, rejected. He blocked me, ignored me, maybe in a way to protect himself. With this perspective, what ensued was not as much a rejection of me as it was a reaction to a huge letdown of his own expectations.


I think there was a very `teenage love` essence on both our ends. For me, I liked him a bit too much, and so when he behaved in ways where I felt were a rejection, it tore me apart. For him (maybe), he took my actions as direct qualifiers for how I felt, without looking at their context. It was unhealthy from both ends, is what I see now, we were both stumbling. We were both a little broken and saw something in one another. And it's okay to have these relationships to grow from and become healthier partners.

I guess part of why I`m stuck is I went ahead, after having to cancel that trip, and made big life changes. Things that have benefited me (mostly in terms of independence), that I would have wanted anyways, but if I`m being honest I had done them to be with him. Not the worst case to be in by far, but there is this element of I `made` it, finally, and I guess I had always imagined he would be with me. But he`s not.

To me, this road of thinking demonstrates that there is no one way to read a situation. It was a big part of why I had reached out 3 months ago to him - I wanted to understand what happened. I was prepared to hear that he lost feelings for me, or I was prepared to hear that a lot stemmed from that cancelled trip. The fact that he wasn`t open to talk about it is a fair choice. And of course all of this making me feel sad is also valid.

Hi tina—just wanted to chime in and say still here, still reading, and still rooting for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections.

Like others have pointed out, I see significant growth from where you were months ago. Which is excellent! Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck and still ruminating over the same old things—then I pause and think how rough things were 6 months ago, a year ago, etc. My ex is still on my mind, but not as often. I still hurt from it all, but it’s not so raw.

Like you, I have made some major life decisions that on paper have all been good. But it does feel bittersweet because these were supposed to be moments shared with my ex. But I’m glad to be able to share those moments with others in my life—especially the friendships that have depended these past few months.

One foot forward…

I felt that several months back and I'd let the most ridiculous things hijack my day.

- The dog chewed up my socks- clearly I am failing my dog!  Why don't I have more chew toys!
- I forgot to pull meat out of the freezer for dinner.  Why am I so bad at life?
- My BPD kid is having a bad day, why can't I solve her problems or be there for her more often?

I'd go on and on, finding things I could have done better and using those things as an excuse not to just be happy in life.  Even when I was stable and content, there was always someone else with drama that I'd turn my attention to.  But in the end, I had to really take a step back and say that my happiness ALWAYS comes first.  Not in a selfish way like we'll always do what I want, but in a healthy way with boundaries that clearly separate my life struggles from everyone else's. 

I now focus on my stuff first...and if you're the one causing drama, then I just step back for a bit since it's not healthy for me.

The reason this matters is because the people I do love and want to help in life, they deserve the best version of me and they can only get that if I have a healthy ego through prioritizing my own needs.  My faith comes 1st, me 2nd, and then my kids 3rd.  That has to be a constant though- I can't put my faith or my own stability on the side to cater to my kids or anyone else.

I hope that helps a bit!

Hi cranmango! I think bittersweet is the perfect word for what I have been feeling. Maybe there will always be some kind of love left, and that`s okay. Maybe some things will make sense later on, and can only be understood with the passage of time.

My friends have also been anchors for me, and it is important to remind myself that friendships are a type of relationship that offer strong bonds. They`re not romantic relationships, sure. But I am recognizing that they are maybe even more precious, and fulfilling.


Hi Pook! Recognizing unhealthy thought patterns really is so important. I think it also comes with having grace and forgiving yourself for when you show up as not your best self (and extending that to others). Having your priorities clearly laid out is also a way to live an intentional life; I think I used to make reactionary decisions, which I would regret down the line, but since I took the approach of deciding how I want to behave (give myself time, be kind, respect myself), it`s like I have clearer guidelines that help me act in a way I can get behind.

All very good reminders. I find that sometimes I get so lost in the moment that I forget these golden (hard earned) realizations. 

I was thinking about this a lot! Like I mentioned, I met a few new friends recently. Inevitably, the topic of relationships came up.

They were so open about themselves! And not only about funny annecdotes, but how they themselves might have `messed up`.

I used to always get tripped up over how, let`s say my ex was the one sharing his story on this board, you`d understand his perspective, and then maybe say that he needs to focus on himself and move on from the relationship. It was a convoluted way of seeing things, but with so many perspectives involved, what was the truth?

I realized that, it doesn`t matter. Everyone makes mistakes, and all you really can do is focus on you. Even the people who `acted crazy`...they are human, they needed the experience to learn and grow, then hopefully that`s what happened. The only real mistake would be to not have a certain amount of reflection after, and doing the same thing over and over again.

I also realized that I have this need for approval. I want to share in the `perfect` way, and I am worried about using the right phrasing, talking for too long.

So, in summary, how did it feel to share? At first, I was worried. Then I felt like there was more closeness and recognition of each other. I feel more forgiving towards myself, and towards others.

"I also realized that I have this need for approval. I want to share in the `perfect` way, and I am worried about using the right phrasing, talking for too long." - This will probably be the hardest lesson for you to learn.

However, step back and look at what you said. In a sense it is almost a way of saying you do not feel you are good enough to be your authentic self to people. I am pretty sure you want to have authentic and genuine people around you right? So how about we have you work on the other end of that...focus more on just being you...warts and all. That is the only way you will start to draw the positive energy and the right people to you.

Remember the universe kinda works like a mirror...you get back what you put out.

Keep your head up Tina. You are taking baby steps and making progress. I am happy for you and proud of you.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I have been trying to intentionally share how I really feel lately (when asked  lol). I find myself automatically replying things like `so far so good` or `pretty good overall`, and then catching myself and ansering more sincerely (in the right context). Especially as I am still getting used to a new job, there is a lot to process, but people around me recognize that and have been understanding. However, I also realize that I am very worried about letting them down! It`s like I am waiting for `something bad` to happen, and as a result I sort of distance myself from not only people, but also fully embracing my career, because if something goes wrong I don`t want it to hurt me as much (which is a lie, because I know it would still hurt me).

And even if everything is going well, I tend to find something to fixate on and obsess about (financial, my health, what my friends really think about me), even if objectively, there is nothing to worry about. Even if there was something to worry about, playing it over in my head in this way certainly isn`t the solution!

A good example of this was overhearing two colleagues saying that they really liked me. My reaction isn`t to feel flattered (I really like them too and think they`re great!), but to feel incredibly worried about making a mistake that will change their view of me.

What especially motivates me to change is that, with these habits, even if I had my dream life tomorrow, I would still struggle because it would plague me that everything would go away. And so I wouldn`t even enjoy it, and to me that is so sad.

Ok, sooo.....it is going to take a while, but let's have you focus on not worrying so much about messing anything up and people not liking you. Seriously if people changed their view of you that quickly then guess what? You don't want those people around anyway.

Hey as an example, as goofy as it may seem...you could mess up here and say something snarky to me and do you think I am going to automatically not like you or change my view? That sounds a bit absurd and immature doesn't it? We're adults so we can be more understanding of one another and work to help one another and let S :cursing: slide off our backs like rain drops on a rain coat. My point is...don't worry about that stuff so much. I think more people will be understanding and accepting then you are giving them credit for.

Tina, just always keep the frame of mind that you are not perfect and you are going to make mistakes, screw up, mess up, etc. But guess what? Everyone else does as well. Cut yourself some slack and don't put so much pressure on yourself. Having that kind of anxiety is unhealthy for anyone to carry around.

Be YOU, Do YOU. Okay?

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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I think I'm entering a new phase of my journey where this is my motto!

A recent conversation with a friend prompted me to snap out of a rut I was in (aren`t those conversations the best!?). I was talking to her about a huge and embarassing crush I had when I was younger on a teacher who was 20 years older than me. The cringy things I did and said all make me smile now. We had a good heartfelt laugh. I realized that, even then, I was quite intense, having written somewhere in my journal `these diary entries will bear witness to my descent into despair`  lol  lol. It even shaped to a large extent what I ended up studying. So dramatic!

Of course, an unattainable crush and a relationship are not the same thing, but I can see how my overall behaviour has more to do with me than with the other person. It even took me a while to get over that painful crush, so, in many ways, I am ahead of the game with this one  :wee:. I remember also concluding at that I would just live my life, and accept that I won`t get over it.

What`s cool now is that I have the time to learn about these tendencies I have, and embrace myself, so that I can avoid always being lost in someone else. I can find other avenues that make me feel whole.

When it comes to the future, staying single doesn`t seem so terrible. Not my first choice, but I am not willing to compromise on feeling in love with a person. Although I feel closed off to meeting someone new right now, history has shown I have felt this exact way before and then met someone! Finally, if I do hear from my ex again, I`ll have grown a lot.


It's pretty wild to be that someone over the web has been able to read me so well, and in a way that I hadn`t been able to read myself! I embrace that this is the way I am. I am stubborn, I am intense, it takes me forever to get over things I care about, I can be obsessive. I stumbled so much along the way. Even at the point I am at now, I can admit that I made decisions that brought me physically closer to my ex, in the hopes that I`d hear from him again...and I haven`t. What was I hoping for exactly? The truth is I didn`t really think it through, I was hoping for something, my heart brought me here.

So that`s where I am today.

ah, a kindred spirit!

a few different things can be true:

1. after say, high school, and to some degree even before that, we increasingly "are who we are", and are fairly set in our ways. our personality traits, in particular, are largely set.

2. we all develop coping mechanisms in childhood, that have to do with these personality traits (as well as our family dynamics). many (most?) of us will develop some coping mechanisms that we find out no longer serve us in adulthood. some of us carry them for a long time, or forever, or we learn new and better coping mechanisms.

3. if you dont embrace who you are, its difficult to define yourself, love yourself, or be loved for who you are.

4. if you cant adapt, conform, change, have the emotional maturity to make different choices, see other peoples needs/limitations, accept and take on criticism, if you are too dogmatic/rigid about "who you are", it will make it difficult to have a relationship with very many people, or navigate life successfully.

take "obsessive" for example. for the record, i am quite likely, a walking undiagnosed person with obsessive compulsive disorder. i have been an obsessive person for as far back as i have memory. i am a casual fan of virtually nothing; what i like, i love, not just with a passion, but often obsessively. i would go so far as to say it is and always has been a defining characteristic of me. in fact, if you know that alone about me, you get a pretty good chunk of who and how i am.

good or bad thing?

well, its a thing, it is what it is, and in general, its never going to change.  

on the plus side, i think it gives me a deep level of appreciation for things that bring me joy. it gives me a drive to be not just good, but ever improving, at the things i like and am good at. on the more negative side, it can be debilitating! i look back on the ruminating i did during my breakup, which i think was up there with the best of them, and i feel exhausted imagining the 24/7 loop my brain was in. it has also had a clear negative impact in my romantic relationships, and even non romantic ones.

i could say "i am who i am", change nothing, and continue as i was. and in some cases, thats a/the healthy thing to do. in my case, it wasnt so much "being obsessive" that needed adapting, but the way that i coped with it that no longer served me.

"who we are" is a balance, with who we are in, and how we adapt to, a given environment, along with "who everyone else is". we simply arent made to get along with, and fit perfectly, with everyone, or we would be completely undefined. but we, as a species, are made for bonding and connecting with others. to do that successfully, "who we are" has to be able to mesh with "who they are", and to thrive, has to be flexible and able to adapt to a given environment.

a healthy and whole person can identify and define themselves, and their relationships with others, and still be open and able to take on (or reject!) criticism (whether its self directed or external), to simultaneously recognize their own needs and those of others, to reconsider, adjust, and adapt to their environment. but there are two kinds of unhealthy. the first is a person who is undefined. the second is a person who is so defined as to say "i am who i am, and if we dont get along, youre the problem".

the ability to self differentiate, and the ability to cope in a healthy way, are far more important questions as it applies to "who we are" than our individual characteristics.

I think I get what you`re saying. I want to ponder this more when I feel less down. I don`t think I am very good at ajusting and adapting. I do think I `bounce back` rather quickly, usually through force of will and belief, but the lows can be quite low.

OCD, depression, and anxiety run in my family. I feel like in today`s society a lot of the symptoms associated with these disorders are normalized. But, I have seen what it can do later on in life, when there is still this battle going on in your mind, superimposed on whatever situation you find yourself in. 

I think OCD manifests for me through `thought monitoring` and magic thinking. I am fixated on this idea that if I adopt the `right` mindset, my ex will pop back up into my life. Not to make up excuses, but it was reinforced by years of him telling me he didn`t want to talk ever again, and me going through many different emotions (good riddance! oh how I miss him! maybe it wasn`t meant to be!). I can remember exact moments of when I heard from him again, often when I was busy doing something else, once or twice while I was praying for it with all my heart. So now, when I can`t settle on a way of seeing things, especially a day like today when my emotional regulation is off, I feel a lot of despair.

Today is not a good day for me. Mind you, I`m running on very little sleep. For the first time in...years, I feel like giving up. Not hoping to hear from him, also not hoping things get better (because I can`t imagine myself with anyone either). Just the vibe of living in a shed in the middle of the forest. Although I can easily isolate myself here in the city as well I guess. Things going through my mind :

- will I hear from him again?
- his birthday is coming up soon...

At least he was super clear, the ball is completely in his court so I am not considering reaching out.

im sorry you had a tough day.


what would it mean to you if you did hear from him? as in, what would the significance of it be?

in your mind, how would you like to see it go? even if its fantastical, what do you imagine happening?

I would say you are correct in the notion that OCD, anxiety get somewhat normalized. I would say that may have something to do with sports. You may go what? Well saying oh they are just ultra competitive is usually the cover for someone who has OCPD, not to be confused with OCD. Think of those with OCPD as being perfectionists to the extreme. While these issues get normalized people need to still treat them with respect and not just dismiss them.

Keep your head up Tina. Sorry you had a rough day, but the good news is...it was just a bad day. Many more good days to come ahead that will balance out the bad.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Ain`t that the truth  :wee:

Thank you for these prompts! I had a good journaling session out of them. I would say I usually am afraid of approaching these questions, because I fear the disappointment of confronting my reality vs. how I would like to see things. For some reason, I didn`t feel that way. I ended on a feeling of relief! I am also a bit embarassed to share these dreams with other people. Please bear with me.

My far off fantastical wildest dream is that we reconnect in person, over a cozy dinner. A long walk in nature. Let go of the past, and have a new meeting of sorts of the people we have grown into. A connection is still there, and the dream we once had together of building a life slowly comes to fruition. We grow vegetables.

I am a dreamer, and I like it that way. Here are other realizations that came out of this exercise.

When I imagined myself in the position of actually talking to him, I realized I wanted to `show` him all the things I`ve achieved, instead of being natural and authentic. But I think I come off that way because the last few times I spoke to him, I felt so on guard because I was worried I`d say the wrong and he`d disappear again. So, I had this way of speaking that was sort of detached and like `I don`t need you anyways`. And I really did hate that cycle, the anxiety and questioning of myself that came with it.

Also, I realized that I did not like hearing snippets of what his relationship was like. We`ve established that I suck at letting go. I imagined our lives together as a couple for too long, to put myself in a position where I can pretend I don`t care. 

So, these points kind of made me feel like...I`d rather not hear from him if it would hurt me? I`d rather keep my peace, or whatever part of the process I`m at now.

So why do you think it is that you seek so much validation from him? Why is it so important that he see your growth? Why does it matter? Just food for thought.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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Thank you for prompting me with this question. It brought me to asking it on a wider scale: why do I seek validation from anyone outside of myself in general? I noticed that I will often `monitor` conversations, focusing on how I come off. Yet, as was brought up before, I believe this creates a sort of barrier between me and whoever I`m talking to. I don`t think I am rude or aloof; the real disadvantage from this is me not feeling like I am being myself.

I`ll make of point of being present in conversations, and focusing on the connection I have in the moment with the other people involved, instead of what I am saying. When I think about the people I know who I admire the most, they have an easy-going acceptance and confidence about themselves that makes them comfortable to be around. I hope to be like that too.

Everything is sort of intertwined. If I can feel more comfortable with myself and give myself the validation I need in different aspects of my life, I won`t seek it so much from one other person in particular. Then, sure, having a conversation with him would be nice, but it wouldn`t be anything I didn`t feel `prepared` for.

Hello hello! I wanted to write a quick post about an itch. I noticed my ex was looking at one of my online profiles (on that website you get notifications when someone has viewed you), and then I have also started getting called by `no caller id`. When I answer, I can hear someone is there but they don`t say anything. I have gotten calls like this before, a few months ago, and when I looked into it I dismissed it as `robocalls` (scammers trying to check if my phone number is active).

I don`t want to read into any of this (but my brain is going ahead and doing it anyways). I know these things don`t `mean`anything concrete, can`t be verified, and shouldn`t bother me. I recognize that I don`t feel as fixated as I would have in the past, because I recognize it brings me nowhere, but I just wanted to share.

I'm of the mind that breather calls usually aren't an ex. It's a great deal of trouble to go to with not much point. It's also a common thing people experience.

Having said that, my ex did some weird stuff after our breakup. Getting into my email, reading only select stuff (usually Facebook messages from girls) and continued to do it after she was outed. That didn't make a lot of sense either. Hard to picture her doing.

What is true is that often times, people will do weird checking up on people, or reaching out, we've all been there, and often times, it's good to choose a method that saves face or has plausible deniability. Someone with bpd traits with shame and rejection sensitivity will certainly do that.

I don't think it's ultimately surprising though, that he's checking up on you on social media. It's the single best way, and we've all done it. He's someone who has cared about you for a long time. It makes sense that he would.

I've hesitated to say this, because it's something you've been working to come to your own terms about, and because I don't have any real idea, but it is reasonably likely that you're going to hear from him at some point, in some way. Why? People don't like to end on a bad note. It's why so many of us came here; the ending left us unsettled. That's not necessarily any less true for our partners. He probably feels like a jerk for how he handled things, too.

People, at some point, tend to want to reconnect to play "I'm okay, you're okay". And that can be especially true for someone with bpd traits, who don't like to sit with the thought that you might see them badly.

It isn't any guarantee, of course. The shame and fear of that potential rejection can scare someone out of it, or whatever other coping mechanism they employ. But it's a very reasonable likelihood.

Theres also a reasonable likelihood that if it happens, it may be anticlimactic, or leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Thanks for putting things into perspective; it certainly feels better to be given a down to earth reality check than to let these thoughts fester in my mind.


I don’t think hearing that I might hear from him earlier would have been helpful…I’d have latched onto that. Now, with some time and healing, I can think about how I’d respond and let go of whether it happens or not.

What you wrote reminds me of some things my ex told me the last few times we spoke. Things like “now that we have all the yelling out of the way”, and “I guess we’re passed hating each other”. I was confused because there was no yelling, and I never said or even felt like I hated him. Yes, I was hurt, but I am not one to hold grudges, I thought he knew that about me. I like him too much to hold anything against him, to my own detriment.


See, this I don’t like. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s me being stubborn, but if he just wants to reach out to gather a bunch of info about me (Where are you working? What’s your salary? Are you seeing anyone?) and then disappear again, then I’d rather not talk to him at all. He did that before and I ended up feeling cheap, like I divulged information. I don’t want to hear about his girlfriend either, it gives me more to ruminate about.

I don’t know where this adamant energy is coming from, but I don’t want to be in that position again. Knowing myself though, I’d probably give in and just tell him to take care of himself and all is well. Maybe it’s best for me to just completely lower expectations, let it go, and say that I wish him well. At least then I’ll be acting with my values and letting myself move on, despite all the hopes that I had that are maybe not well founded.

well, to be clear, im saying while i think its unlikely the breather calls would be him, i wouldnt say its impossible. people do sometimes go out of their way to do weird things.

but you arent likely to ever know if its him either way. with the online peeking, you know.


this is a bpdish sort of thing. that fear of rejection and vulnerability, their perception of our perception of them, his narrative of the whole thing would probably surprise you. i cant read his mind obviously, but "im sure she hates me" would be similarly bpdish. i remember my own ex telling me that she understood my need for alone time was actually "i know you need to get away from me". as if the very concept of the need for alone time, something she has experienced and ordinarily could easily articulate, went out the window when it came to me.


not a certainty, but a possibility to anticipate, for sure. people in general can be self centered about this sort of thing, certainly people with bpd traits, in that sort of situation, even more so.

sitting here, thinking of all the times ive fallen out with an ex, a female friend, or even a male friend, im hard pressed to think of a time that they did not eventually reach out. that human need to fix that last chapter is really strong. with bpd, add in that need to know we dont hate them.

stories here all differ, and belong in their unique contexts moreover, but i think a lot of members could tell you that hearing from their ex was ultimately anti climactic.

i dont remember what spawned it, but i remember vividly, lying on my bed, crying harder than ive ever cried in my life, desperately begging god just to please, at some point, in some way, let me hear from her. just, please, some day, something, anything. i think i was particularly attached to reversing the loss of significance to her, that i felt so strongly after what happened.

well, it came. somewhere around 6-8 months i think, i got a friend request on facebook. i sat on it, and several hours later, it was gone. okay. could have been an accident. wasnt anything i was going to act on either way. i dont remember when, but likely less than a year later, i got another. same thing. i sat on it, it was gone several hours later. that was it. nothing ever happened again. i think i know my ex and bpd well enough to conclude that it was a sort of testing of the waters, with plausible deniability. she might have thought id follow up with a pm or something. but i think she believed i hated her (reasonable in her case to have thought that), and it probably took her a great deal of bravery to even go as far as she did. people with bpd traits live with those shields up. it may not match how, or who you are, but it matches how they feel about themselves.

theres no predicting if, or what he will do, or why, but irrespective of bpd, most reconnections dont turn into much more. they are usually more about feeling okay with each other, and what happened. it can sometimes be, or feel, self serving.

so, its not the outcome thatll getcha. its the attachment to it.

How did you feel after receiving those friend requests at the time, if you`re open to sharing? How did you process it?

I think you had also mentioned that you don`t feel the need to talk to your ex. I mention this because I believe I am at a point where I don`t want to talk to him about our past relationship at all; I have come to my own conclusions, done my own reflecting, and am still learning, and it doesn`t involve him. I don`t think I would benefit from his point of view, which would most likely be superficial and unhelpful.


I think that`s another reality check that is needed for me. I know that I can only control my own actions. When I look back at this past year and a bit, I am proud of how I`ve showed up, at least `front facing`, with my ex. I was always polite and respectful, and I put intention and actions behind all my actions. I know this especially because one of my close friends would talk me through how I wanted to respond lol. I can admit that the hope was that it would bring us closer together, that he would recognize this new version of me.

It didn`t, and I was confused, but maybe a lot of that confusion was coming from him.

And so maybe what I work on is still showing up in a way that I can stand behind, but letting go of the outcome, since clearly it isn`t in my hands. Even if I was the best, sweetest, whatever, there is part of the dynamic that comes from him. Letting go seems to be the way; it could be a part of a bigger story with my ex, or it could be what leads me to let go of him and be with someone else with a `clear` heart.

to be honest, i didnt feel a whole lot, which is pretty remarkable given A: what a basket case i was for so long and B: the kind of person i am...the sentimental type that has a hard time with the idea of finality and never speaking to someone again, and also being prone to obsess about developments like that. id come a relatively long way; i was done with the relationship, she was well into her new one (i didnt suspect she was trying to recycle our relationship or even friendship, so i figure that made it feel less urgent), i was mostly free of feelings of loss or emotional pain, but moving toward being kind of stuck in anger/ideas of "justice". thoughts of her were about devaluing her, really.

some adrenaline, for sure, though not a lot, and some anticipation of "okay, whats next if anything, how should i handle any of this, if at all". a sort of wink at God moment "well, i remember i did all that begging, and i see what you did there". i mean, there was something comforting about it, that oh, i meant "something", but by then, i knew that, and didnt really need it. im sure that at the time, i thought "oh, thats it! PROOF OF BPD!"  lol since i was in a mode where i was devaluing her, i suspect there were probably some feelings of "power". but mostly, it was "really? thats it?". that was the first time; i even remember what i was wearing. the second time was so uneventful that i dont remember anything other than it happened.

i was, by then, okay with never speaking to her again. i was open to it; to this day she could contact me any time, but in my case, she crossed some serious lines in the aftermath of our breakup that, without a sincere mea culpa, made her a person that objectively shouldnt be in my life. i had nothing to say to her. and i remember thinking that if she was having some struggle about whether or not to contact me, i would leave her to it.


exes are just very rarely reliable narrators, for so many reasons. from what you have said about your ex, i very much doubt he could tell you anything useful, and hed probably clam up or turn cold if you tried (as i recall, that is more or less what happened). i have heard of cases of a breakup where a person sincerely inquired "hey, i need to better understand", and got a sincere, even helpful answer, but thats not just rare, its still usually only part of it. its not uniquely true for people with bpd traits, but i think generally speaking, they would have a harder time with that kind of conversation.

(PS. have you heard of a concept called "the detached protector"? it has to do with schemas. i was going to link you to a video i remember watching years ago, where a guy not only explained it, but acted it out; it doesnt look like that video exists anymore, but theres some decent looking youtube results, minus the demonstration. its something ive seen before many times in my life, and from the sound of it, i suspect its something you ran up against a lot.)

so, thats something to consider. if you were to talk to him again, you dont want to have the relationship talk, so what would you talk about? would it be with the goal of being in each others lives again? if not, would there be a point (rhetorical question)?

if wanting to hear from him is because you miss him, he was an important person in your life, youd like to reconnect, youd like to end things on a better note, its just the sort of person you are, any or all of those things, thats normal, understandable, and whether it happens or not, no issue there.

if its about the validation, or meaning something to him, or that it would psychologically represent a reversal of feelings of rejection: you are more likely to be either underwhelmed, or disappointed, or vulnerable to being hurt, and that sort of motivation will dissipate as you heal, and it has.

of course, it can be some of column a, and some of column b.


this is going to matter to you years from now, long after any trace of pain is gone; i promise.


you were trying to reconcile the relationship, which requires a lot of finesse. whether youre trying to move on from someone or get back with them, it always, at the start, revolves around them, before it becomes more about you. i remember saying something to that effect here, that all the stuff i was doing to try to move on still felt like it revolved around her. well, yeah. and the goal of being that most attractive person of ourselves, is, well, to attract someone.


sometimes, i will see on this board, the idea that "your ex will never have a successful relationship, because if you look at the dsm, it says theres a history of failed relationships marked by idealization and devaluation!". im not sure that it always occurs that for all of us, every single one of us, 100% of our romantic relationships fail except the last one (excepting perhaps for remarried widows  :( ). relationships are about failing and learning from that failure, (ideally to prepare us for others), more than anything else i can think of. nothing else has such a complete and utter failure rate, and still so much that we can take with us from it that will benefit us. but its such a great equalizer. by that measure at least, no one more successful than anyone else. thats what relationships are for. to teach us who we are. to teach us who to be. to teach us who we are in relation to others. to teach us what we want from others. that failure isnt a failure of who we are fundamentally, and even when one knows that intellectually, it can be lost on us internally when we're picking up the pieces, because we bond, and we attach, and inevitably, so many dynamics are brought into that process. but its a failure of the fitting of two people, either because it just isnt a right fit, and/or because neither person is the fit that theyre ultimately going to be; dont get me wrong, we all make mistakes, and certainly a breakup/failure can be more one persons fault than the other, but splitting, growing apart, rejection, these things are more of a law of nature than some inherent shortcoming.

the interesting thing is that all of those things can and usually do occur even in that last relationship: the mistakes, the growing apart, the learning, the adapting, the coping, the rejection, the loss, the hurt. at some point, whether its within that final relationship, or a result of the ones before it, but all of it as a result of previous failure, we find that fit.

Tina my dear there is a song from the Rock Band I Prevail...There is Fear in Letting Go. Now perhaps the lyrics will not necessarily resonate and you may not like their brand of music. However, I do believe the title and some of the meaning of the song do suit you perfectly here.

Which brings me to ask you...why are you so afraid to just let go? It also seems you are afraid to find someone who is good to you and is open to providing what you want.

What do you think?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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It`s certainly something that resonates with my experience!


I think column a is taking the lead for me, mixed in with the belief that if it`s meant to be then I`ll hear from him, and if not then it`s because there is something better ahead.


I believe without a doubt that my ex can make a relationship work. He has a lot of heart and loyalty. I wanted his person to be me, and a lot of this journey has been coming to terms with I am not that person. Not because there is anything wrong about me, but because we weren`t a good fit, because it wasn`t the right timing, because maybe he had things to learn as well.

We`ve spoken about significance on this board before. It`s clear on my end that my ex was significant in my life. Because of the way things ended, there was doubt that I meant anything close to him. My journey was then about being okay with that, and having the focus be on me. Everything is relative after all.

I`ll share a memory that has been on my mind with this latest social media look up (which you`re right, everyone does, I certainly have!). My ex was visiting after moving away. We had a fight right before his flight (I don`t remember what about exactly). It ended with him saying well I`m not even coming anymore. I was down and didn`t know if I should believe him or not. I looked up flights arriving from his city to mine, trying to figure out when he`d arrive. He obviously ended up coming. For some reason, when we were sitting together, he was looking up my search history on my phone. I was embarassed because obviously all this search history of flights was still there. He said something to the affect of `You really do care!`. I said well you looked up my search history let me see yours.

His history was filled with searches of girls who he didn`t talk to anymore. Going back to years before our relationship started. A big theme in our relationship was that I had helped him break his `curse` of ending on a no contact note when it came to female relationships (not all romantic ones, friendships too). He was sheepish about it. I remember thinking yeah, obviously it`s different between us.

This story is filled with immaturity on both ends! It happened long ago, and I think we`ve matured since then. All this to say, maybe I was a stepping stone for him on his journey, and his latest relationship will be more fruitful because as we`re saying you live and learn. Same goes for me.


I think this is a fair question. I`m closer to getting there! I don`t think I feel so much fear as much as deep sadness at the thought of just letting go! To an extent, I was afraid of confronting this sadness before. I was happy thinking that maybe someday things could work out. As my life moves forward in many directions, I have returned to the idea. I think I`ll keep changing my perspective until I `settle` into the ultimate goal of just being okay no matter what happens.

About being afraid of finding someone else who is good to me...the last thing I want is to embark in a relationship with unsettled feelings about my ex lingering. I think I am comfortable enough now for that not to be a problem. I love hard and I`m open to meeting someone, but only if there is a connection between us. I have felt this way about one person since my ex, it didn`t work out, but it gives me hope. I think my approach will be to do the things I enjoy, and if I meet someone along the way then great, and if not then I can feel fulfilled in other ways.

Atta girl. That response shows growth and that you have taken the support here and applied it to yourself. If no one else sees it or notices it...I do. To that end...I am proud of you for that.  :hug: It has been a journey for you. Keep on keeping on.  |iiii

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thanks SC! The continued support from you and the community gives me hope, especially on days when I can`t seem to notice any growth within myself.