BPDFamily.com

Looking for do’s and don’ts for what to say and discuss to shine a light on BPD behaviors without tipping off my partner with BPD? How to get them to expose themself?

Hi Dispare, good to hear from you again.

Is couples therapy already scheduled/set up for you and your partner?

What are your goals for CT?

Lots of directions we can go with discussion, so let's start there and get some background info.

By expose themselves, do you mean for custody purposes?

How do her BPD traits present themselves? Are you witnessing them in the home but she's able to mask them with friends and people outside the home?

What is she like as a mother with BPD?

I guess my CT goal is to get my partner diagnosed with BPD and either have a goal for improvement or if the therapist’s suggestions are rejected, then the goal a becomes establishing behavioral patterns that would be used in a divorce case. My partner is most times a very good parent but at times of extreme frustration becomes insensitive at best and verbally abusive at worst. I have no concerns of physical harm to this point. CT is just beginning and it has failed multiple times in the past as it becomes one side focused with no recognition of BPD traits. New therapist states a working experience with BPD clients.

Relatively few of us here in peer support have had the pwBPD in our lives diagnosed.  My divorce court and all the professionals around it seemed focused on dancing around any mental health topic - and especially any diagnosis.  My words... they studiously avoided the topic.

After 8 years in and out of court over custody and parenting issues, our last hearing's outcome included an observation that my ex would benefit from counseling but stopped short of ordering counseling because the court stated it didn't know whether ex could afford it.

The consensus is that court deals with the parties as they are, it does not try to fix them.

Has your spouse ever been hospitalized for 5150 mental health reasons?  A hospitalization like that may be a meaningful historical event to use as documentation.  5150 in California is a reference to a 3 day involuntary hold status while mental health professionals assess a person.

I actually had success with this to a limited extent. While we were in crisis I went into counseling with depression that was resulting from constant fights at home. As a result, I inadvertently went into the calls with the acceptance that my mental health was part of the issue.

Fortunately, the therapist recognized the symptoms of emotional abuse. While in a call, the therapist tried to direct the conversation to the then girlfriend at the time.  Upon realizing that the therapist was starting to look at her as a part of the issue, she completely flipped out and screamed at the couples therapist.

"Oh no, I'm not the problem! He's the one with the problem. He has depression. You need to treat him! You're not doing your job! etc."

This of course is an example of projection and blame shifting. My therapist saw right through it and recognized the symptoms of a high conflict personality.

Later when I asked her why she screamed at the therapist, she responded, "Well it worked, didn't it? I got what I wanted you're in treatment." This was after I was in therapy by myself, while I demonstrated text communications to the therapist trying to figure out how to get her to stop arguing with me. I eventually dropped therapy while we were together, because initially, I was trying to get couples therapy to help stop the fighting so I wouldn't be depressed.

She never received a formal diagnosis from him that I am aware of. However, I reinitiated therapy months later after the police became involved and I had to move out. The therapist later confirmed my suspicions of BPD.  
My co-parent and I are trying to be amicable, and stay out of court, but it's a struggle and sometimes I question whether it is a wise decision. Still, my therapist has told me that I can use him as a witness if we do need to go to court. So for that reason I can say that for your goals, I have had limited success.

So the takeaway is don't try to point fingers for the therapist. Also don't play the victim. Just acknowledge your short comings and struggles and look for help. Don't try to prove you are right and they are wrong.  

Instead, Try to actively present yourself as wanting to improve the relationship. Just let both the therapist and the BPD do their job, and hopefully the BPD's wolf tail will start waging from under the sheep costume for the therapist to see.

Do your best to demonstrate to the counselor(s) that you are a reasonably normal spouse or parent... and that you're more focused on seeking solutions than just making complaints and creating conflict.

It shouldn't take long for a perceptive counselor to determine that it is only one person creating conflict and resistant to solutions.  Sure you may have issues, we all do, but they pale in comparison to the issues a mentally dysfunctional person has.

This may or may not help anyone here, but my doctor diagnosed BPD off our conversations about my wife, plus my BPD daughter.  I shared this with my wife (we were separated 2 or 3 months at this point) and she completely flipped out, then started crying insisting that she wasn't crazy.  I tried to be supportive but we really didn't talk at all after that- me bringing it up was sort of the last straw.

We were mostly NC for the following 6 months and we started having limited communication, being in the same room, etc.  We have a grandson that's around 8 months, so our paths have to cross some.  I asked her for a favor a few weeks ago and she had a complete meltdown, talking about mistakes I made decades ago like they happened yesterday.  So I decided to write her a letter and fully talk out BPD, the symptoms, and the events in our life where she's shown telltale signs.

We've briefly talked once since that letter and she didn't completely flip out, but one of our daughters was on the call as well.  So I really don't know if it did any good or not, but I'll update if something comes of it.  At this point I'm done and moving on, but I'll always try to help her with her mental health since it effects our kids and entire family.

Go cautiously.  PW BPD can be very manipulative.  My uBPD H and I went to counseling and I was made out to be the crazy person.  The counselor was totally lied to and she ended up siding with him. It was unreal!  When I decided not to go back, I was seen as the problem!  My H said I wasted $600 and wouldn't listen to the counselor.  Hey, Ms LCSW, thanks for nothing.