BPDFamily.com

I literally can't believe I am here.  I have been here before, years ago and I guess I did it again.  My husband left me in October and I have been managing my relationship with him for so long, I don't know how I didn't see him as clearly having BPD.  When we first got together we bonded over the fact that I thought my ex husband had BPD and his abusive mother was dx BPD.  He had grown up with such trauma, I thought he was so heroic for overcoming so much.  He started our relationship by love bombing me and putting me on such a pedestal I thought, I was the luckiest person on the planet to have found this sensitive man that loved me so much and put me on such a pedestal.
The signs were there though... He was extremely volatile and rigid. He would at times recreate reality that literally made me question if he was a sociopath.  But then his tender side would return, and I would think " There he is".  There were times that he acted extremely out of control and I would talk to his sister and she would tell me, that I should leave him, that he had BPD and it wouldn't get better.  I thought she was just jumping to that conclusion because of her mom.  I thought he just had PTSD from his childhood and that I could ride out some of his rougher sides and reality bending sequences.  In the end he started getting angrier and angrier with me.  I made a decision about one of my children that made him so angry that sent him down a spiral of rage against me that he will never circle back from I think.  I have become nobody to him.  He left and doesn't speak to me or anyone from our life.  He has not spoken to my children whose lives he was in for 12 years and professed to care so much about.  He just disappeared.  Any communications he has been forced to have with me have been so angry and hurtful that they leave me feeling physically ill.  He paints me as all black without a single redeeming quality.  Everyone in our lives is completely bewildered by him, they all found his doting attention and seeming singular commitment to me almost off-putting to be around, making his disappearance all the more mind boggling. 
I am so hurt and in a state of shock piecing together the last 12 years and am starting to see the ways in which I deluded myself with regard to him.  I am really realizing that I need to do some serious work on myself as to why I get involved with men who clearly set off other people's alarms.  And still I love him! :help:

Hi jessijane, welcome (back) -- glad you felt ready to open up about what's going on in your life.

This is such an important insight you had:


Great realization to notice that you sometimes don't see things about people that others do see, and that's causing problems for you. These boards are a good place to do that work.

You mention that sometimes you and he are forced to be in communication -- what's that about? Kids? Other? Is there an end date in sight for having to communicate?

I think I'm hearing that you two don't share any kids? How old are your kids now, and how are they doing?

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We definitely get it here, the shock of going from "you're amazing, you're perfect, you're my world" to the absolute cutoff. That's so hurtful. It's pretty incredible, and you deserve kudos, that you have the strength to show up here and say "you know what, I was part of that -- I deluded myself and am ready to do some work". This is a safe place to do that, so welcome aboard, and keep us posted on how things are going;

kells76

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response kells76.  I just need to be in touch enough for the basic logistics of the divorce process.  He needs to get his stuff.  He just left and barely took anything.  He bought all new stuff apparently, even bought a new Rivian.  I am selling the house and moving.  Certain other things, passwords, some paperwork things.  I took care of 99% of our daily lives and adulting but when I absolutely have to reach out to him it is always awful.  He has such contempt for me.  It is actually shocking. How he looks at me with such contempt and hatred.

I have 2 children.  They are mine from a previous marriage.  My daughter is 20 and profoundly disabled with extensive medical needs.  We got together when she was 7 and my son was 4.  I thought he was a hero.  He was so good to my daughter, so patient and kind.  My son was another story.  He liked the child that doesn't talk and can never judge him.  When my son showed the first signs of rejection toward him (normal push back stuff), he never recovered and he resented my relationship with him and any attention or sacrifices I made for him. He never forgave me for sending him to a private school, even though I never asked him to pay for it or drive him anywhere and it really had no impact on his life.   He thought everything my son did was a manipulation.  Looking back, my son handled himself with such restraint and maturity.

It's complicated but, I paid for everything and ran a business and managed my daughters' care and was basically running like a banshee and never stopped, and other than being sweet to my daughter he did almost nothing to help me.  Two of my daughters caregivers retired after working with me for 20 years and I couldn't find replacements, it all was closing in on me and when I would try and tell him I couldn't do it all anymore he would get so angry for complaining and tell me I should be grateful for all I had.  I was getting so exhausted and desperate and I finally decided to follow the advice of my social workers and place my daughter in a sub-acute care home.  When I told my husband that I needed to do this and that I needed more than anything for his support in this most difficult decision of my life, he lost it on me. He accused me of not treating him like an equal partner and he wasn't going to stand for it. He made me the villain.  Told people I was putting my daughter in an institution (It is not, it is a home with only 4 residents and it is like a miracle, I can't even believe it exists).  Anyway, I  could go on and on and tell about a million stories but the bottom line is he walked out and he got angrier and angrier and he hasn't seen my son or my daughter since October.  My daughter who he accused me of discarding, and who I see 3 days a week and bring her home for some weekends he has nothing to do with.  I sent him some pictures of her doing various activities with me and her brother and other people who love her at her new home and he accused me of doing it to provoke him. So I am not allowed to tell him that she is okay.  He isn't interested.  He is living in his angry made-up reality and drag racing his 100k electric pick-up truck and doing art that says "reject capitalism". 

His sister gave me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  She kept saying, "You know he has BPD."  It finally penetrated.  How much I had been navigating, managing, fronting. 
Because I am forever chasing that person I first met, that looked so wounded and raw but treated me like a precious gift and made me feel like I had met my soul-mate.  I will forever miss that man, that never was really there at all.  I have to figure out how I contributed to make that false narrative. Thanks for listening.  Hope to do the same for others.

Good to hear back from you, jessijane.


One thing I've learned here is that when I need to interact with the pwBPD in my life (my H's kids' mom, in my case), and there's any kind of due date on it, I can't rely on her to not stonewall, foot-drag, be passive-aggressive, or otherwise make timely compliance an absolute chore. What I do is in any communication with her, I build in what I'll do if she doesn't reply at all (or replies late).

With "normal" people, you might be able to say stuff like, "Hey, SD15 wants to do XYZ on Monday at 5pm, does that work?" and you'd get back an answer, on time or early, with a Yes or No. With the kids' mom, though, these days that kind of message would yield no answer, or "The kids told me they'd rather be with me", etc.

So, I changed how I write emails/texts, and now I phrase it as "Hi Kids' Mom, does it work for your schedule for SD15 to do XYZ on Monday at 5pm? If I don't hear back from you by Saturday at 5pm, I'll assume it's fine and I'll do pickup on Monday at 4pm. Thanks; kells76"

I build my communications so that even a non-response is still a response that frees me to continue on with my plans, no matter what she does or doesn't say or do. I'm wondering if that approach could help you as you figure out what to do with your stbxH (soon-to-be-ex-husband)'s things? For example, instead of asking him "Could you please pick up your stuff? I have to move next month!", an alternative could be "Hi stbxH, I still have XYZ of yours. If I don't hear back from you by Day/Time about you coming by to pick them up, I'll assume it's OK for me to donate. Thanks; jessijane". Or, alternatively: "Hi stbxH, I've rented a storage unit at Location for your things, and it is paid for through the end of July. I am sending you the key to it by registered/signature mail. Thanks; jessijane".

Just some ideas for how you can move forward with your life, without needing his cooperation or timeliness.


Yeah, pwPDs (people with personality disorders) can "split" kids, and treat one as the "all good" kid and one as the "problem" kid. That can flip-flop sometimes, though perhaps because of your D's condition, that made it less likely for your D and S. I'm sorry you and your kids had to face that treatment.

How is your son doing now?


This also sounds familiar -- a pwBPD taking a grain of truth about something (yes, you did come to a point where you needed to house your D outside the home), and twisting it into a narrative about how you're the bad guy and he's the good guy. It's really hurtful.

Do you think anyone in your life (friends, family, coworkers) believes him?

And I can relate to how consistency isn't a strong trait for many pwBPD. They can say one thing but live another. It can be difficult and frustrating to watch.


I get it that it can take time to come to terms with the reality about a loved one. It's a long process, and of course you wanted to see the best in him.

How is your relationship with his sister these days?

What you shared in bold is really real, and something a lot of members here are working through. Was any of it real, was he real, which one of him was real, and, so critically, what was it inside of you that attracted you to him?

We have some good lessons on detaching and learning from a BPD relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0), but the other area that came to mind is actually on the Parent/Sibling/In-law with BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board, which has some Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0) up top that can help us learn if our upbringing contributed to "normalizing" attraction to disordered people.

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Let us know if you check out those areas, and what your thoughts are as you dig into the lessons and articles;

kells76