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Letting myself be abused. I am so far from who I truly am. I am so hurt. He strings me along. I can’t help but get caught up and reengaging. It’s brought me to my knees. I know intellectually how caustic…I just can’t comprehend a human can be so cruel and unfeeling when I’ve been tender and forgiving. I want desperately to be free from my own sense of hope on his behalf. Discarding 28 years is no small task. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I feel like I am being crazy in the face of his chaos.

It’s terrifying to make these big changes, to reorient your life, to heal, to learn, and relearn. But it’s worth it, because you’re worth more than that. I’ll never be with someone like my BPDexGF again, I’ve come close many times, but always walked away. Pretty much no one deserves it.

Thank you for sharing. How did you finally resolve to get away. The pain is excruciating.

I got pissed, and cut her out of my life, it was messy, I went back and forth many times, then resolved to love myself, since depending on crazy people to fix me was never going to work. I never wanted to experience such pain again.

What are your biggest obstacles to getting out? What types of pain are you experiencing?

Thank you for sharing again. I appreciate it. I am in my own way, and I know it. I grew in my ability to be loving, and forgiving, maybe maladaptive. I invested so much in my family...imagining to grow old together and enjoy the fruits of our labor. I was actually alone through the relationship. I guess maybe it is putting together my rosey eyed view of what possible, with what it actually was. Then I found myself having renewed hope. He does not change. Part of me will never understand why he can't just choose love. Then I remember he doesn't even love himself, how can he love me. Basically, I guess it's the difference between my heart, and what I know intellectually. I will never truly understand just how much of a mess he is inside.

The pain is maybe childhood parts...always believing everything can be fixed..

I am glad you resolved to get away. Sounds as though you are in a much healthier place...

That is the challenge, that you continue to have hope, that they will see how everything they desire is what they repel!  I keep waiting for the ahah moment that will never come. The delusion that all their feelings are someone else's fault must be identified and fixed by them alone. My udBPDw has this self image of no one listens to me or cares what I think and every interaction we have with that lens on will always result in the distorted view of reality.

I agree that I will never understand what is going on in there, it must be hell to live that way. Projecting or blaming your spouse is a coping mechanism that does not help them and only ruins the relationship.

I have read all the books, managed the triggers, walked on eggshells, all to no avail. I have left for a few days 7 times. I have systematically tightened the boundaries and we are now to a point where a divorce is inevitable. We have been married for 33 years and I just can't live this way any longer. I am not living the life that I want to live, enabling the bad behavior.

I am in a way, I know what I value, deserve and believe more, but I still got involved with the wrong people, with my rose colored glasses, and it got me into trouble again. It’s hard to change who you’re drawn to, and your old patterns can resurface. But there’s comfort in knowing you’re worth it, even if you don’t feel it everyday, it keeps me going.

Hope you feel better. No one can take away your own resolve to love yourself, that’s why it’s the most precious love you’ll ever get.