BPDFamily.com

I recently called it off with my gf of two years, rounding off a final 3 month period of intense breakup/makeup attempts.

I read the little guide here of advice regarding breakups with someone with BPD and it all rings super true to me.  It's helpful to be reminded that I am damaged and I am a trigger for them -- because so often I feel like it's super easy to place the blame on them and their overreactions and abandonment fears.

The dynamic between us was intensely positive and very fulfilling in so many ways and it has made the breakup a lot harder than had there been a specific moment where I could just be like "ok NOPE -- this is over" (i.e. like discovering cheating or experiencing abuse).  I often thought it would be easier to end it if the relationship grandly went down in flames (as far as moving-on goes), but I also feared how literal those flames might be (as there had been ideations of suicide on her part and hints of vindictive behavior at times).  There were many times I had broken up with her only to be convinced not to end it abruptly, to let her down slowly, so to speak, and this always resulted in attempts to restart.  I'm an intensely loyal and committed person, so it wasn't hard to appeal to my tendency to make every possible effort.

I was so afraid of making a terrible decision in leaving her.  There is truly so much that I love about her, not the least of which is her tireless commitment to self-improvement and healing from her trauma (and managing her BPD).  I had previously been in a long term marriage where my partner made zero effort to self-improve (/do therapy / talk through issues) and I placed a lot of virtue in someones commitment to improvement.  I thought if I just stayed the course and kept forgiving the moments where we clashed that it would get better; that the solution for our struggles was just around the corner.  If we talked just a LITTLE more we would figure it out.  It was exhausting.  Both of us were laid out for days, weeks sometimes, after a clash.  Both of us would cope unhealthily. And that, for me, was the ultimate undoing.  The seemingly endless need to cope after I spent time with her -- it felt like we could never make progress or grow despite all the potential we felt there was.

Anyway, what I still am struggling with is whether or not a friendship with her is a good idea.  She has remained in contact with her other exes and it never felt like a problem (for me in the relationship, or for her).  Honestly I don't know if she is interested (or will be interested), given the intense pain and negative emotions she is no doubt enduring in regards to me for calling things off.  I told her I was interested in exploring one with her when it felt safe to do so, when we can have boundaries and the pain of the breakup is behind us.  I'm curious if anyone here has maintained any kind of friendship with their BPD-ex?

No, I wanted to, now I’d never do it. It’s very noble to have a sense of duty, I have that same issue, but I find it gets me into trouble too, because martyring yourself won’t work. Do you think this potential friendship would be fulfilling in some way, or would it just torture you?

Would you do it out of pity and obligation? They are so easy to pity, it’s what got me into a lot of trouble, even in friendships with them. My sense is the orbiting ex boyfriends were left there as back up plans, that’s what my ex did.

Still, you’ve gotta trust your own instincts on what to do. Each one is different. But there’s probably a lot you don’t know too.

A friendship is not something I recommend, at least until you’ve healed the trauma bond and have zero romantic / sexual reactivity to her.  With my ex-BPD friendship
just gave them a way to charm by offering sex and having it lead back to a relationship, next thing I knew the nightmare had restarted.