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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Skippy on April 07, 2006, 02:49:49 PM



Title: Is Spying Bad
Post by: Skippy on April 07, 2006, 02:49:49 PM
I didn't want to hijack Aames thread, but this is clearly related.

Did you spy?  Is it self preservation or false security?  When is healthy and what is too much?

I reassembled notes from her paper shreader once (as I stated in the previous thread) for no reason other than "checking".  I didn't do it initailly, but then started to peak when unusual things happen here and there.  The news from the shredder wasn't good.

I spied on her in many other ways as time went on…No mania... .It was easy... .technology is wonderful that way... .you can almost monitor your partner... .  as far as I know she was never aware. 

I violated her privacy for sure (some great guy I was?)…

I saw things I had no right to see (and I felt awful)... .

This all is a great delimna.  Suddenly you know things that you can't clearly interpret.  You have to accept some of it as normal... .but what?  And you have to wonder about yourself.

Sure she was contacted by a highschool friend and the conversation got kind of familiar... .red flag?  I didn't think so.

But I was also contacted by a highschool friend , and the flirty nature was there, too.  It was just play... .  I communicated many more times than she; but I never gave my friend a serious thought (or even a fleeting thought).

... .she ended up dating her highschool friend for a month (we were apart at the time - sorta).

Other things were nothing.  This information was hard to use in a constructive way for anyone.

BPD seems to breed bad acts all around.  I never did anything like this.  But, justified or not, I (no BPD blame here) acted in this way rather than handle it some other way. Everytime things would seem to be OK and I'd taper off, but there would be another minor incident. 

In the final analysis, I think that there was eroding trust on my part and the spying ultimately became a substitution for it.  More information, clouded thinking, false security.

This type of post is tough... .but I'm here to get solid.

Is it self preservation or false security?  When is healthy and what is too much?



Title: Re: Is Spying Bad
Post by: Gulfstream on April 07, 2006, 04:14:42 PM
Skip,

This was a relationship with a disordered person, which makes it a disordered relationship. How could any healthy person even think of this, why would you want to do it? Because little by little you join in their insanity. I did, and lost myself in the process. I'm quite sure now that you would never be with some you don't trust, right? And if you have established that trust component in the relationship, why would it even cross your mind? If it did, you aught visit a T.

I think there are some basic components that are key to a healthy relationship, here are my "requirements:" Trust, dignity, respect, space, responsibility and compassion. We all have different views of our relationships; this is the foundation of just mine.

If you had all that going for you, would you have snooped? Answer that, and what U think is important to you, and you will have your answer, I think... .



Title: Re: Is Spying Bad
Post by: Krakatoa on April 07, 2006, 04:25:12 PM
Skip , difficult to say on that one from my experience. I suppose I was "fortunate" enough to know everything she was going to do. She would coldly inform  me on an impending affair and she'd go right ahead and do it.

I didn't need to sneak around ... .I knew. She kept me very well informed on everything she was up to. It was some sort of crazy test I think. She constantly played me off against other men.


Title: Re: Is Spying Bad
Post by: kosshydr on April 07, 2006, 04:56:12 PM
Is Spying Bad?  In a normal situation I would say yes... .but a BPD relationship is not a normal situation.

With a Borderline you have a known predisposition for them to be liars and cheaters.  It is part of who they are.

In a BPD relationship, you sometimes need confirmation of what you are being told, because they will lie to you, they will cheat on you. 

Spying as a way of confirming what you are being told is the truth... .in a BPD relationship I think is justified, because they cannot be relied upon to tell the truth.  You need some confirmation of reality when they live in a world of distorted reality.

Spying as a way of confirming they are not cheating on you... .in a BPD relationship I think is justified.  A means to emotionally protect yourself, and physically protecting yourself (STDs etc).

The alternative is to always be driving yourself nuts wondering what is a lie and what is not.  You need some assistance guiding you through their distorted reality.



Title: Re: Is Spying Bad
Post by: dave9030 on April 08, 2006, 10:06:44 AM
But, as was kind of said before, if you think that you need to spy then you obviously don't trust the person.  If you did, you wouldn't have to.  I did the same thing and confirmed everything that I had thought.  But, it was the lack of trust initially that made me do those things.  If you find what you were looking for by spying, where does it get you?  The only thing I see is that it just gives you fuel for an argument which you are surely going to lose.  So it really gets you nowhere except to know that you can't trust the person and you should think about getting out.  Without trust, where are you really?

Dave


Title: Re: Is Spying Bad
Post by: WhiteBuffalow on April 08, 2006, 11:16:36 AM
I agree with "Without trust, where are you really?"

My situation was pretty much the opposite. For reasons I can't even fathom, my XSOPB started going through things. What he found was some very old journaling years before I ever knew him. I'd had relatinships before and writing had been one of my ways of dealing with and trying to sort out my own hurts or confusions. I'd forgotten these things even existed. I'm not even sure where he found them. But mercy did all hell break loose! Proof that I didn't love him! Huh? It went on an on. Those weren't even major commited relationships like we had. He could never let go of it. I've spent 3 years being yelled at for having had any relationships before.

He started going through everything in the house. Any little thing he THOUGHT might have been given to me by, or had belonged to an ex boyfriend was either distroyed or gotten rid of. Only two of these items had anything to do with an ex. An old wool shirt in the back of a closet in the spare room that I had forgotten about, and a pair of earings. (He demanded I tell him if I had any jewlery given to me by an ex) The earrings were a pair I really liked, not hanging on to an old romance. He allowed me to keep the jewlery my exhusband had given me because I was saving them for my daughter. I wear rings, bracelets and necklaces - I had to explain where/how I'd gotten each of them. Oh, there were also all the old picture albums he made me go through to get rid of any picture with any man in it.

All of the other things that he got rid of, were things I'd gotten myself or momentos of times with my daughter.

All of his snooping not only caused fights over his misconception of what they were about (he'd never listen to any truth) It also totaly broke down trust. It felt violating. I couldn't understand it.

I admit I did look into his things 3 times. Not go through anything though. The first was when we were first separated, but he was over her a lot and sometimes spent the night. One day I walked into the closet (A huge walk in) it was like ZAP something told me to look in this ONE place. There was a gun. I had told him no guns allowed in my house because of his suiside attmepts.

The next was he had some paperwork he had wanted me to look over. So the house was quite and I thought it would be a good time to review the paperwork. I knew he had it in his brief case. I actually felt a little funny about getting into his brief case, but he had asked me to look at the paperwork. I pulled out a folder thinking it was the right folder. Wrong. It had indecent pictures of me. I don't even know how he managed it, must have been while I was asleep. I ripped them to shreds.

The last was another time I walked into the closet and had a ZAP look in that one pocket. That's the only place I looked. Found cocaine.

I guess where I'm going with this is that general spying may be about our own lack of trust, maybe of them and our own instincts to see somethings not right. But because of my own strange case, if there is something we need to know it will show itself our stressing ourselves out searching, beleiving there must be something to find.

My thoughts for what they are worth.