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Has anyone tried "behavioral extinction" (extinction is stopping the "positive" reinforcement that has been encouraging the inappropriate target behavior to continue) when your borderline shows out?

Here's an example.  My borderline seems to love to get a rise out of me, whether it's an arguement or hurt feeling on my face.  I have recently tried to just let it "go" and move on and it seems to abate the "normal BP" behavioral continuation.  Last friday I had a task to perform for a friend and co-worker followed by a MD visit.  I did not have my personal cell phone with me, only my work cell phone (I told her this as I left the house).  As I finished my task and before I went to the MD, I called to check in and an agry tyrant aswered the phone wanting to know where I was... . apparently she had left a voice message on my personal cell and NOT my work cell.  I asked her what phone did she leave the message on and she said, "it doesn't matter."  So, I told her "let me check and call her back."  Sure enough she had left the message to come home first on my personal cell.  I went to my MD appt.  Under "normal" circumstances I would have appologized vehemently when I got home... . I DID NOT THIS TIME.  What would have been a complete "re-hashing" of MY crime did not happen.

I've only tried this a couple of time since and it seems to work, until my next crime.

So have any of you tried this?  If so let me know the results.  If you haven't and want to try it, let me know how it goes too.

Ken

When I think of extinction, I think of completely ignoring the behavior which is likely to cause a BPD to up the ante until they get a reaction. You didn't ignore the behavior though, you acknowledged it and responded appropriately. It sounds like you are using extinction on your own dysfunctional responses and it's going well.  |iiii

This is a bit of tangent to your question. I'm wondering about this:


I just read how people with BPD tend to interpret a neutral facial expression as negative. They did studies and the differences between people with BPD and those without BPD responding to neutral faces were considered significant.

My T told me that I sometimes have a very neutral face, and suggested I move my face more  :) when I talk to my pwBPD.

It's hard to know if it's making a difference or not, because pwBPD is more aversive and internalizes things. Even so, I notice her own face is more engaged and sometimes I see a noticeable change in her mood when I am mindful about my facial expression.

I wonder if your pwBPD is trying to get a reaction out of you, any reaction?

Hi malaclemys1960,

what you wrote sounds a lot like what we have here in the LESSONS under the keyword boundaries. Boundaries in the sense of rules for us limiting our engagement in the drama. Sometimes after some temporary escalation (Extinction burst) things cool down nicely.

Yeah, that is likely. People with BPD crave validation and stirring up drama or invalidating the partner is a very reliable, robust way to do it. I've written a lot about this here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0).

Boundaries are very, very effective in stopping game playing but they also create distance in the relationship. That can be a good thing in case the partners are too enmeshed. That can be too much if partners grow distant. It is important to remember that the root cause for BPD is in the area of emotional regulation and the healthy way to deal with excessive emotions is to validate them. When negative stuff is coming our way it really pays to be able to sort that into situations calling for boundaries (abusive behavior) or situations calling for validation (negative emotions reachable by validation). Validating negative emotions is often something that takes initially some thinking and learning.

Yeah, also a learning for me. I dare to act my understanding of her emotions and my own emotions a bit more than I used to. At times it feels excessive but it definitely increases the chance that she gets the message.