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 71 
 on: March 27, 2024, 07:38:25 AM  
Started by BPDstinks - Last post by BPDstinks
thank you!  I kept waiting (and waiting!) still nothing (than i find out, she texted my MOTHER, (I miss you) (this all makes ZERO sense, she avoided my mother for years), i am not only disappointed, I am baffled!

 72 
 on: March 27, 2024, 07:36:55 AM  
Started by Amoverthis - Last post by BPDstinks
WOW!  this is so very interesting to me!  I have pondered this!  My 24 y/o BPD (key word: was) sooo close to me, we did EVERYthing together, to the point of me sleeping over, at least twice a week; than, ZERO warning, she just stopped speaking to me (I am so sad, alll the time), however, i am just trying to be patient, waiting for her to "return", she has cut ties with her father, me, her non BPD sister, her nieces (whom she ADORED) I truly do not understand; the only thing I am starting to realize, it might have something to do with the fact I told her I would help pay her college bill, NOT knowing how much it WAS!!! (that was a very ugly episode) that turned into her telling people i was "toxic" and I was not "present" when she was a child (yet, she also told me I was "smothering" her and if I persisted to text and call her she would get a restraining order (she gave me HER keys to her apartment, in case of an emergency) than, the last time I saw her (5/24/23) demanded the keys back; it is just such a sad waste of time, we could be together, sigh...I am very sorry for your troubles, it is just the WORST

 73 
 on: March 27, 2024, 05:27:41 AM  
Started by Teach21 - Last post by Notwendy
Yes, I actually don't like most cards. When I do choose a card, I try to find a cute or funny message rather than an emotional one.

 74 
 on: March 27, 2024, 05:16:29 AM  
Started by kells76 - Last post by Notwendy

Couple more updates.

SD18 was kind of bait-y last week. H was playing a song for all of us on youtube -- it had come up in conversation -- and as we were listening to the lyrics, SD18 said "Wow, is this about [tension-filled social topic]?" Um, no, not everything is about that  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  I made what I thought was the neutral comment of "lyrics like this can speak to lots of different people. To me it reads like unrequited love" to which SD18 said "You can have unrequited love with a parent".

H was driving SD15 home from a friend's house and they got to talking. Apparently Mom promised SD15 at Christmas that she (Mom) would change SD15's name legally. Now Mom is asking H for SD15's birth certificate to make it happen.


I can relate to that statement "unrequited love" with a parent. While I understand your not wanting to get into it, another response could be "can you explain what you mean by this" as it would be interesting to hear her thoughts on it. How I'd explain it now is that- I felt that gaining love and approval in my family was conditional- and the one "condition" was on compliance with BPD mother. It felt as if I was the one doing the work of trying to gain his approval. If your SD mentions this again- I think it would be insightful to hear what she has to say. It's possible she means your H as well, but keeping in mind- she is very influenced by what she hears at her mother's house- and still- she has her own ideas and may want to be heard.

Maybe I am old fashioned but I don't understand the legal name change at age 15.  Many people use a different nickname than their given name. How is changing the name on her birth certificate going to be of help to her at this time?

 75 
 on: March 27, 2024, 04:43:10 AM  
Started by TelHill - Last post by Notwendy
I listened to a couple of videos on the YouTube link. I actually found her to be a good presenter.  I assumed it would be hard to listen to her. But she seems motivated to help others and work on her own challenges.


 76 
 on: March 27, 2024, 04:32:27 AM  
Started by TelHill - Last post by Notwendy
Yes, I also had read Lady Chatterley- but being late teens when I read it, I think some of it went over my head at the time.

Your post reminded me that I also read this short story at the time. It jumped out at me- this one was relatable. The financial stress in our family was evident. The main character not being able to be content with what was around her. The role of the son seeming similar to my father- trying to provide.

I didn't know about BPD at the time and didn't know anyone like my mother- so I recall that this story stood out to me.


 77 
 on: March 27, 2024, 03:12:30 AM  
Started by Amoverthis - Last post by Sancho
Hi Amoverthis
It's something that has puzzled me for quite a long time. I am the only stable person in my dd's life - the only one willing to hang in there against all odds, yet I am the target of blame for absolutely everything and can't suggest anything etc etc. DD also interprets anything I say or do as abandonment.

In my take on things, the BPD person's brain is somehow wired in a similar way to a toddler - but much more extreme. The emotions are out of control and triggered by anything - especially a 'no' or something directed to them, and there is very little rational thinking capacity to outweigh the emotional deluge.

Somehow my DD expects me to 'make everything better' - and of course I can't. She can't face honest facts because she has such a small sense of self that it makes her feel like she is 'nothing'.

Of course there is a spectrum of BPD and they vary so much with individuals. My DD is pretty low functioning with co-morbidities so these symptoms have little to lessen them.

I think they chase approval from others because they desperately need to separate - so they push away from the one who is the steady support, trying to move into adult independence. So, so often I think to myself 'If only DD would listen to me, trust me to guide her and help her through this' - but all that is lost in an instant when the slightest thing happens and off we go again.

Last week saw some awful events here, and DD in a frail and vulnerable state. I was so moved. But by now even when I am so moved there is a small voice inside me that tells me it won't be long before I am the target. I was right!

So I am not so much on the rollercoaster - don't suggest, advise, comment etc. I am just here - and I hope under all the chaos and pain, that means something.

 78 
 on: March 27, 2024, 12:18:23 AM  
Started by firehouse3 - Last post by firehouse3
Hi firehouse and welcome to this amazing supportive community of people who have helped and supported me so so much. I literally changed my name on here from broken person to thankful person. I’m sure you will find lots of help and advice. These are my answers to your questions.

1. Yes you will have to get used to the double standards to an extent, if you’re to remain in this relationship. Your gf is delusional, her memories and perceptions of events may be warped or incorrect or she may be bending the truth of her perceptions because she likes to see you so apologetic. Borderline means on the borderline between milder mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, and hallucinogenic disorders like schizophrenia. Your gf does not see double standards, only that she is the victim and you at times are the perpetrator. The best thing you can do is learn to stand up for yourself peacefully, not apologise when you’re not sorry about anything, and look after your own mental health.

2.Her exes did not cause her to have bpd. Pwbpd either attract us caretakers who may be devoted for years, or people who don’t treat them so well, who won’t put up with the drama or weren’t decent people to begin with. That’s why they have many short lived relationships. They are looking for someone to bend over backwards to please them. Long term it doesn’t make them treat you any better.

3. The advice is always not to bring up bpd. If someone said you were going mad, would you believe them? It’s a lot like that. My wife was diagnosed before we met, underwent some months of dbt which helped her beat self harm and an eating disorder, discharged herself, and considers herself cured. Her bpd behaviour still affects us 10 years later, but I wouldn’t ever mention it even when it affects the children I wouldn’t use the words bpd. Your gf may realise she needs help with anger, depression, paranoia, whatever, she needs to make her own choices as to whether and when to seek help.

I have spent many years wondering if this is the final discard, but it seems like we’re still married and she either loves or hates me (usually the hating lasting months but the loving lasting only days). Sad to say I’m so used to it I’m not as bothered as I once was. I’m mostly here because I don’t want to be away from the children. At the moment my wife doesn’t hate me so I’m just waiting for the next hate cycle. You can learn to better communicate and understand to a large extent. But you can’t change her or convince her to change. Going to therapy for your own issues is a great idea and especially try to seek a therapist experienced with bpd, though this is for you, not her. I do think your experiences with your Dad and the abuse have led you towards this relationship with a mentally unstable person.

I highly recommend the book, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist, it changed my life. I still listen to the bpd audiobooks on repeat in my car 3 years later. Because it has taken me a long time to fully understand what’s going on here.

1 - It's hard, but I have been standing up for myself.  Its hard because she shuts down when I do stand up for myself.  But she does respect it

2 - I'm thinking to deal with a pwBPD, you either have to extremely compassionate and warm or you have to be extremely uncaring and cold.  Nothing inbetween or you'll leave the pwBPD pretty quickly.  I got the feeling her ex, the one she was with for 2 years, was on the cold side.

3 - Is not bringing it up really the best advice?  I'm glad I know I have anxious attachment.  The feelings it gives me are still there, and I don't think I'll ever be able to never have them or move past them, same as a pwBPD. But I understand them consciously now and try to resist them.  It's a battle in my mind but I'm at least able to wage a battle against an enemy I know about.

I'm sorry for all you had to endure with your wife.  Does she ever show appreciation for you making the huge effort to deal with her illness all these years?

short term:

if shes gone distant on you, its a good idea to give space, let her come to you. nothing dramatic or formal, you just dont want to throw messages into the void or ramp up your efforts. dial it back a bit and be prepared to wait it out.

longer term:

she seems to be, and that fits the mold of someone with BPD traits.

one dynamic you dont want to fall into the trap of is living on the whims of that neediness, or get too caught up in the fallout. loving someone with bpd traits is a delicate dance; you want to be mindful of, and responsive to those "special needs", but to a healthy degree. for example, texting someone every 30 minutes isnt sustainable (for you, for her, or for the relationship), and neither is being in a relationship with someone that you feel sorry for - she lacks adult relationship skills, but you are in a relationship with an adult - it wont "work" to operate in a relationship where shes patronized. 

shes right. i did a lot of this myself in my own relationship. a big takeaway from it was that you cant spend a relationship trying to teach a partner how to behave - thats where we tend to drift into codependent tendencies. surface level, responding to a partners issues with us with "remember how you did this and i forgave you?" is messy - it isnt really listening, and its patronizing, and with a needy person, its not going to be heard.

there are a lot of moving parts here, and a lot to learn about the dos and donts of navigating these difficult relationships, so do dive in. short term, shes giving you the business - for the most part, be cool and roll with that; dont double down on what isnt working, let her work through it, and be responsive as she does.

what was the last contact with her like?

Yeah being dramatic or formal about texting less would trigger her, guaranteed.  She would be like "What do you mean your going to text less?  Are you bored of me?  You need time away from me?  You want to leave me?"  That's what she would say.

I have dialed it back, but I'm pretty sure she's noticed it.  It's the double standard I talked about.  She can take more time to text back then usual, but if I do it, suddenly I'm showing her I don't love her anymore.  Besides just texting slightly less frequently, I have other strategies like to ask her complex questions in text so she can't reply as quickly and our responses will take longer, and she would be OK with that.  Stuff like that.

I feel sorry for her in the sense she has an illness that's dramatically affecting her life.  She told me she cries 3 times a day.  That sometimes she has panic attacks and cries and laughs at the same time.  It sounds like hell going through those emotional mood swings. And I can empathize with her neediness.  I have anxious attachment, and BPD seems very similar to that, if not much worse.

Yeah I get it, I won't argue with her like that again.  I was really just trying to show her I'm not asking her to do anything I haven't done myself, but I get it's not the best way to handle things.   It's just, how do you respond to someone who says something like this"  "Am I just suppose to forgive you and forget what happened?"  I mean, I dunno.  She is an only child, it makes me wonder if she never really learned how to resolve conflict with people very well.

Things have been going good for about 10 days now.  This is the longest we have gone without an argument.  She told me today I was 'The best thing that ever happened in her life'. 

 79 
 on: March 26, 2024, 10:25:06 PM  
Started by tina7868 - Last post by tina7868
Thanks thankful person, your reply is really insightful. I think sharing your experiences does help a lot of us.


Excerpt
Why feeling lost? Explain that a bit further if you could?

I try to look at my feelings honestly, but I wonder if I know anything. I think I have a good handle on my story, on the reasons I am the way I am, and how I ended up here. I think what I feel is love. When some people hear about it, it may be seen as addiction, codependency, obsessiveness, anxious attachment, the lack of a consistent father figure, trauma bonding, the inability to `get it` and let go.

In all honesty, I probably don`t know anything, because I only have this one serious relationship to base myself off. So then I try to give other people a chance. But then I feel nauseated, incapable of putting in the effort with anyone else. And I don`t want to be with someone who I feel meh about. Alright then, not the end of the world, there is more to life, I can focus on myself and lead a fulfilling life with no partner. But then, I am realizing that I crave a relationship too; I want to share my life with someone, I want to cook and care for and be someone`s cheerleader. I want them to come home to me and tell me about their day. I think I`m ready for that. Maybe I wasn`t before, but now I feel like I am.

So I have these conflicting feelings. And then I have grown, and worked on myself. I am less reactive, better at communicating. Which is all nice and good, for me. But I miss the person who I did find that happiness with. The only person who I wanted to share my life with. So, I just want to be in good standing with my ex, just in case. But then I say something wrong and get blocked, by someone who didn`t choose me, who clearly doesn`t have feelings for me, who can live without me. But he said he didn`t feel the same attraction to his current partner. But he kept the back and forward going and shared his feelings with me.

Could it be that simple? The person I love, is in love with someone else?

So why do I feel lost?

I feel anxious when I am blocked. I feel happy briefly when we were talking. I feel sad again when I realize he doesn`t want to be with me. I feel hopeful when he seems to be warming up to me. I let go and then I miss him. He`s receptive and then he doesn`t speak to me.


 80 
 on: March 26, 2024, 08:34:50 PM  
Started by kells76 - Last post by Turkish
(1) If I wanted to, I could go to the county my son was born in and ask for a certified birth certificate any weekday of the week.

Yes. It's not rocket science. When my mom passed and I was trying to get excess tax lein sale proceeds from her (her husband's property into which she'd put his name), I had to get her death certificate, their marriage certificate, and extra copies of my birth certificate. The first two I did in person on two different counties, the last by mail (online) to my birth county.

When my ex asked me to get BCs for both of the kids so she could get their passports, I told her that she could go to the county to get them or get them mailed by purchasing online. I did lose one of them and apologized.

Mom can get her own daughter's BC!

For adults, it's good to have at least one extra certified copy anyway. In told my ex to purchase 2 copies and I'd split the cost. She did and I did.

Changing names seems like she's searching for an identity.

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