I can not beat BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have tried to get my exBPD to leave the city I live in but nothing is working. I have PTSD over this and have done everything to get him out of my life. I am starting to realize that I can not have the peace that I need by getting rid of him, he is going to stay here thinking that I will take him back. He left several things here and took money but strangely he took some thing of mine that was important to me but worthless. My actions are not helping me have peace and really are making things worse.

It is clear that I need to take the recommendations of my doctor and domestic violence court and hide. Once I truly do this will I have peace and that is going to mean that I leave my house, delete my social media account (or suspend them for a year), and get a new phone number. I am supposed to get a employment contract today and I will travel to the another city with my dogs Sunday. The acceptance that I can not beat BPD is freeing, I can see that I will be happy soon.

My goal is to understand why I have done this three times in my life. I go for the BPD that says he loves one minute and then threatens to kill me the next. I do not want to do this again.

[joel6242]

I have tried to get my exBPD to leave the city I live in but nothing is working. I have PTSD over this and have done everything to get him out of my life. I am starting to realize that I can not have the peace that I need by getting rid of him, he is going to stay here thinking that I will take him back. He left several things here and took money but strangely he took some thing of mine that was important to me but worthless. My actions are not helping me have peace and really are making things worse.

It is clear that I need to take the recommendations of my doctor and domestic violence court and hide. Once I truly do this will I have peace and that is going to mean that I leave my house, delete my social media account (or suspend them for a year), and get a new phone number. I am supposed to get a employment contract today and I will travel to the another city with my dogs Sunday. The acceptance that I can not beat BPD is freeing, I can see that I will be happy soon.

My goal is to understand why I have done this three times in my life. I go for the BPD that says he loves one minute and then threatens to kill me the next. I do not want to do this again.

[cloudten]

It sure sounds like you are ready to make some big changes in your favor. I am proud of you. Rise above your circumstances and be proactive in your safety. Protect yourself first. Take legal action if necessary.

Yes, you will probably need to completely reconstruct your life, and that may mean going dark for a little bit. I had to do it, and it is wonderful (I joke that I am amish). Yes, I still have to deal with my own pain, but getting off the yo-yo has been nothing short of freeing and wonderful. The brief moments I have been drug back into it by other people was a glimpse back into eternal hell and damnation- a place I will never go again.

I truly feel that acceptance is the first step of our grief process in dealing with the BPD fallout. (The 5 steps to grieving are typically denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). However, I think for those of us recovering from a BPD b/u, acceptance is the first step. We have spent our time in denial, anger and bargaining... .but accepting the relationship for what it was and all of it's failures and the final outcome is definitely the first step in our grief process.  I am sure as you flee the relationship, there will be more you will need to come to accept in your own recovery.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you able to get to a therapist?

It sounds like you have a great goal of figuring out why you are attracted to people like this.  Hold on to that feeling of never wanting this again- it will be a powerful tool for you as you navigate your life ahead.  It is the key to being able to walk away from the red flags of the future.

For me, figuring out why I allowed it, has been huge. Figuring out what is broken within me that keeps me in these BPD/NPD relationships has been a cornerstone to my recovery. I am figuring it out- and you will too... .but the peace and space will be crucial in your recovery. 

[cloudten]

Oh- one more thing that might help you.

Someone said this (probably mutt or skip) on another board and it really resonated with me in staying successfully in NC and deleting all of my social networking:

Give him nothingness

Give him nothingness

No profile picture changes, no happy faces on instagram, no responses to emails, no frowny face text messages.

Give him nothingness

It will drive him nuts, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that this gives you PEACE.

[toddinrochester]

I cant even begin to discuss how much true NC is going to help you. I have at this point blocked her and the entire family on FB. I have blocked her from sending me email (It just responds with a little note and I never see the email she sent), I have changed my cell phone number. Because I never want her to contact me again. This was after I purposely wrote the most incredibly nasty email to her trying to get her to hate me so that I could force her into NC based on emotion. I dont know if it all will work but she is a complete coward and the only way she could say something to me is in person. She has no spine and she wont. I would say to do everything you can to force your walls as high as you can.

[cloudten]

Todd-

Totally curious... .how did it feel to send an incredibly nasty email? I refrained from doing so, but I did say some pretty nasty stuff in the last 2 days of communication after he tried to kill me. 

[joel6242]

I did do many things that I am not proud of and I wish I would not have responded at all. The problem is that I found out all of the secrets which might hurt my health. The other issue is that he called 911 when I asked him to leave and to the police that I hit him and when that did not work, told the police I was driving drunk. While I was in jail he robbed me and I can do nothing about except for file a police report. The entire situation has put me in a very bad place.

Things are getting a little better. I need to let go of everything and move on in my life.

[toddinrochester]

Todd-

Totally curious... .how did it feel to send an incredibly nasty email? I refrained from doing so, but I did say some pretty nasty stuff in the last 2 days of communication after he tried to kill me. 

It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was almost like I have completely given in to the fact she is borderline and nothing is real. I don't know if that makes sense to you. But I think all of us hold out hoping we were wrong. It also is totally out of my nature to be that way but I felt backed into a corner and I had to claw my way out. She was incredibly dishonest the previous week with me and I have proof. That sealed the deal for me, I had to finish this completely. It is tough because nobody likes to be played for a fool and especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

That said, I am in a better place now that I told her everything all at once. She didn't get away with anything. I have her figured out. She is a disordered character.

[cloudten]

Letting go is the hard part... .we're here for you!