Should I help her?

[dancing332]

Hello. My SIL who has BPD/ADHD lives in squalor in a studio we provide for her. She’s very embarrassed and has hinted that she’d like help cleaning and organizing her space. Should I help her? I’m not sure how to handle this in the most loving and constructive way. She’s easily triggered by me and I don’t want to make things worse for her by “being helpful.” Appreciate any advice.

[Notwendy]

I understand the dilemma. My trying to help my BPD mother would also often trigger her.

For your SIL- this is likely a long term situation, with poor attention and management skills. She may benefit from a long term solution, such as someone to come clean for her on a regular basis, according to your financial situation. These can be arranged weekly, bi-weekly, monthly- and even a one time cleaning depending on your budget.

Although your SIL needs help with organizing, my BPD mother didn't want me to go through her possesions unless she was there supervising. This often would result in her feeling triggered. She did accept hired cleaning help.

One thing to keep in mind is that BPD affects the relationships that are closest to them the most. Depending on your budget- your SIL may do better with a cleaning service, organization coach, than she would with you. 

If you own this studio, then this could be considered a part of home maintenance for you.

[TelHill]

I wanted to point out some of us victims of a pwBPD have problems keeping a tidy home. I pick up trash, take care of my clothes,  and avoid mold inside my home but panic when I begin organizing my piles of stuff. I can't do it. It literally makes me sick. One of my dBPD mother's way to feel superior to me was to belittle, scare and verbally abuse my attempts to help her with household chores. I began to ask to help at age four so her abuse of me at that age is significant.

I keep the outdoors neat, clean and tidy. I garden and am attentive to my plants. One of my neighbors told me to chill out because I sweep the sidewalk almost daily.

OP, you might want to give your SIL the option of refusing a regular housecleaner. It might not be what she wants for whatever reason and at whatever time.  However, having you be not involved with the coaching, organizing or cleaning is a great idea! You want to avoid being her target.

[zachira]

So important for your well being to avoid becoming your SIL's target. People with BPD usually have a double standard for close relatives whom they treat badly when dysregulated while trying to maintain a positive public image with others by being superficially nice. My mother with BPD hired all kinds of outside help, even for ironing clothes, because she was so incapacitated. She liked to hire children who were close in age to her own children to do tasks we could have done, and regularly had meltdowns when she tried to get her own children to do things. It is probably best to hire outside help if this is what your SIL agrees to, though be prepared to be disappointed if she refuses or is extremely critical of whom ever you might hire. You may have to let her live in squalor if your efforts do not work out.

[TelHill]

So important for your well being to avoid becoming your SIL's target. People with BPD usually have a double standard for close relatives whom they treat badly when dysregulated while trying to maintain a positive public image with others by being superficially nice.

I've found this phenomenon to be true dealing with my disordered relatives.  I'm the target for some of them and it's unavoidable. I wind up feeling like Cinderella surrounded by evil stepsisters.

 Along these lines, don't be surprised if your SIL forgets she is the one who asked for help should she become triggered by a cleaner. She may blame you for forcing this on her which is not true.

Lay low and stay out of the way.

[Notwendy]

I wanted to point out some of us victims of a pwBPD have problems keeping a tidy home. I pick up trash, take care of my clothes,  and avoid mold inside my home but panic when I begin organizing my piles of stuff. I can't do it. It literally makes me sick.

This is interesting. I have read books on the topic of organization and they mention emotional and childhood trauma as reasons for why people struggle with it.

I can relate to some aspects of this. I don't have an "everything in it's place" house. The house is clean- it's not dirty but areas are messy- things out of place. It needs new decor but that isn't a focus for me.

I can get rid of clutter-I don't have trouble donating things- but it helps if I know it's going to a good cause. Fortunately we have several in our area that take donations of clothing and house hold items to help with these.

My BPD mother went the route of everything in it's place- the house must be perfect to the extreme. If we left a toy out- she'd get angry or throw it out. She was the opposite of a hoarder- she'd throw out things. Admittedly, her house looked lovely but also it seemed more like a model home than if people lived there. She didn't do the cleaning. She had household help and we helped too.

I think some of this contributes to why I don't have everything in place in the house and seem less concerned about the decor. We do keep essentials up to date, it's maintained, and clean, and I do clean and straighten but admittedly I am more on the side of "messy" than organized.

As to donating items, I have read that when a child has an insecure attachment to a parent, or parents, they develop stronger attachment to objects and have trouble letting them go. This is one of the issues behind hoarding.

[TelHill]

Notwendy,

I'm so sorry your mother trashed your personal items. It's such a violation of your little personhood!  And not to mention it's shocking, confusing and abusive to a young child.

The thing is our mothers kept their houses spotless to look good in front of others. We had no others coming by due to my mother's offputting behavior. It was all for no one -- Waiting For Godot. 

I am organized and logical in almost every other area of my life. My dBPD mother had 10-step routines for washing and drying clothing that bordered on OCD, such as touching a clothespin to the right shoulder 3 times before you pinned the left side on the clothesline.

 The water in the washer had to be at the perfect level. I think I gave up because her instructions were not normal and exhausting to keep up with it. She complained I was a failure at it before I started. I was good at ironing probably because my mother didn't enjoy it. She was patient with teaching me this skill and not abusive after I got the hang of it.

YouTube has videos about the Korean 10-step am skincare routines. I know it's about selling more products but this seems to border on the too fastidious for an elusive perfection. Dermatologists have gone online not to do this because it is causing contact dermatitis for their patients.

[zachira]

I can relate to having an excessive attachment to things and keeping a messy house. My mother with BPD was obsessed with having the perfect house and often told her children they were slobs. She tried to love her children by giving them so many nice things and money. PSI is so helpful in being able to understand how I am affected by such a dysfunctional family system.