Why the silent treatment? (when used maliciously) Points of view please...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My personal take:

When it is done over a period of time (and you've communicated decently to try and resolve matters) then it's ALL about power and control! We can't forget we're dealing with a pathological, non -empathetic  mindset. This is why the errant behaviours and abuse always gets worse!

As part of the inevitable cycle of the BPD (abandonment fears / end of the honeymoon period / increasing dissatisfaction, etc) they are steadily becoming disenchanted with having to deal with 'real relationship life' and *especially another human being's needs and wants!* You'll find once a non is 'in love' (but now  troubled by disrepectful and inconsistent BPD behaviours) they'll typically spend a load of time chasing to get back the person that made them fall in love... .meanwhile, the BPD 's care / respect for you is actually diminishing.

Think about it... .by the time many nons realise it is absolutely *all about 'them'* - the BPD has been riding off the back of your devotion to them while getting bored! They also learn just how negatively -effecting the silent treatment is on most people by past implementions. Add a chronic lack of empathy and you can why they'll do it repeatedly - esp. if every time they do it you end up grovelling in the end... .!  ; )

[Forearmed]

My personal take:

When it is done over a period of time (and you've communicated decently to try and resolve matters) then it's ALL about power and control! We can't forget we're dealing with a pathological, non -empathetic  mindset. This is why the errant behaviours and abuse always gets worse!

As part of the inevitable cycle of the BPD (abandonment fears / end of the honeymoon period / increasing dissatisfaction, etc) they are steadily becoming disenchanted with having to deal with 'real relationship life' and *especially another human being's needs and wants!* You'll find once a non is 'in love' (but now  troubled by disrepectful and inconsistent BPD behaviours) they'll typically spend a load of time chasing to get back the person that made them fall in love... .meanwhile, the BPD 's care / respect for you is actually diminishing.

Think about it... .by the time many nons realise it is absolutely *all about 'them'* - the BPD has been riding off the back of your devotion to them while getting bored! They also learn just how negatively -effecting the silent treatment is on most people by past implementions. Add a chronic lack of empathy and you can why they'll do it repeatedly - esp. if every time they do it you end up grovelling in the end... .!  ; )

[CryWolf]

Forearmed, I can tell you've been through a lot 

Silent treatment is a form of abuse itself. Whether, the pBPD may know its abuse or not, is another case.  Sometimes the pBPD have no idea they are abusing or doing toxic behaviours. This is why many people stay, and hope for better. "maybe they'll see their ways". Sadly, this was the case with me.

I also would like to add, that members on here have reported their partners of stopping the silent treatment or never experiencing it. So, whether all pBPD use silent treatment is an overstatement. Silent treatment is usually used to make us feel the pain/punishment they feel.

I've encountered the silent treatment so many times. It's the worst.

Here are some links/tools to help us better understand the ST

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70004.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290645.0

When my partner gave me the abuse, I felt so low and unddeserving. I felt unheard, and invalidated. I lost my sense of worth. It was terrible. I tried going out to the gym or with friends, until i got a text from her just to validate me. it was very toxic on my part, and I had to understand I became co-dependent on her and my emotions ran off her. It was terrible, but in time, after spending time alone and learning to love yourself things do get so much better.

I know the silent treatment can be heartbreaking and devastating, how are you holding up? What do you do to take care of yourself when your partner gives you this for of abuse?

[Turkish]

When my ex lived with me for four months before she could comfortably leave, I noticed her upset one night.  I thought,  "the r/s is over,  but I'll do the opposite of what she often accused me of and pay attention." I asked her what was wrong and if she wanted to talk about it.  "No!" And she went to bed on the couch,  likely texting her beau with whom she might have been arguing. Ok,  so too little too late on my side maybe,  but we were in that hey area of Detachment where she still wanted part of a r/s.

My ex often used to talk about control,  and while she appreciated my non controlling tendencies,  my withdrawal or lack of attention on certain matters triggered her lack of self worth,  like she wasn't with paying attention to.  Confusing!

[PearlPark]

My ex is a bit weird with how she treated me. It was like two different people, the caring, empathetic, loving, hilarious young woman I knew and this monster that was destructive, cold and uncaring.

I admit I made mistakes, I treated her poorly at times. I was struggling with my own problems and it was like she either overlooked that or didn't see it. There were a lot of occasions where her reaction to my faults, mistakes or flaws were over the top. I understand why she was angry, but it always felt like I was being punished for something way worse.
The kind of silent treatment I got was (it was a long distance relationship) turning the camera off on skype and at times actually not talking to me. She told me it was because she was so angry that she needed space to just be alone. It was really confusing her behaviour, to push me away, but at times not wanting me to leave or be silent. She hated when I was silent. There were times where I had to talk verbally because I can express myself much better and she could only respond with a txt message. It was incredibly frustrating to have those conversations where I can't see her face or hear her voice. Communication isn't just through words and I'm much better at reading faces and tones than the words. Not to mention I have anxiety disorder, so doubting pretty much everything is a constant hassle when you're trying to read the subtle messages she kept sending out, rather than talk to me directly.

The 3 months prior to breaking up with me, she only turned the camera on 4 times. Twice for asking how she looked, once for my birthday and the last time when she left me.

This was the worst experience of my life. We were planning on having move to where I live the coming year, but with her behaviour I had a gut feeling it wasn't going to end well. My lack of planning and enthusiasm towards preparing for her arrival was definitely another negative for her to put against me.

[EdR]

I totally agree it IS abuse.

I think communication is key. Always. Especially if it is communication to end all communication so to speak.

But in a way, the ST can be a way of protecting one self as well. And in some cases it might be even necessary, because normal communication just is not possible.

To be honest sometimes we seem to have double standards: when the pwBPD does something like this, it is abuse and completely horrible.
But when the NON does it, it is completely justified and all blame is shifted to the pwBPD.

Imho this thought process will be exactly the same in the mind of a pwBPD. In their mind their behaviour is completely justified as well and all blame is shifted to us NONs.

So, I feel ST is ALWAYS abuse. Only in very few situations could it be justified (e.g. physical abuse, or continious mental abuse).

[Forearmed]

Thanks for the responses, guys. This wasn't a personally heavy post from me as I've had a few BPD  experiences and have the self -esteem to call those circs quickly!  My experience with the silent treatment was after meeting a Waif (or quiet) borderline. They are far less likely to act out - preferring to act in or withdraw. It actually became almost fascinating study of sorts as: 1) I was unable to commit fully (so escaped the worst of the honeymoon period 'con' and 2) Past situations had me well aware that something was very off about her behaviours / thought process. Once we'd overcame a couple of trying circs  and she either refused / was unable to stop the ST  I knew there was nowhere we were ever going to go maturely.

I also knew the typical BPD cycle was going to complete itself - as once you no longer take any crap you're going to be quickly devalued. You just aren't useful if you won't buy into the BS (and by then you're usually getting smeared behind the scenes as an abuser /needy / stalker  (select as appropriate) anyway... .! : ) 

[Enabler]

I believe there to be a few of reasons for ST.

- Every time I communicate with you, your response hurts me, so I will not communicate with you to avoid the hurt
- I am angry with you, you do not deserve me to speak to you
- I am angry with you, all I want to do is shout at you but that is against my personal values, to protect myself from this I will numb out to you
- My communication quota is being fulfilled by someone else (maybe affair), I don't need to communicate with you or share my daily life with you as I am sharing it with other people. (This is ST where they talk about only practical things, treat you like a doorman... .I don't want to share anything intimate with you, I'm checking out of the r/s)

Here's the tricky one about ST abuse... .and probably the reason why most people who weaponise their silence don't acknowledge they are being abusive, if you think about it from a boundary perspective, their response i.e. silence is their choice to defend their personal boundary of us hurting them. Unlike a punch in the face where "if you hurt me with your communication I will hurt your face", silent treatment is "if you hurt me, I will refuse to communicate with you". The fact that it's agonizingly annoying, frustrating and functionally debilitating is our personal reaction to something that the ST abuser is not doing... .can they be held responsible for not talking to us?

Using another example:
My SO pwBPD gets enraged, we feel hurt, intimidated and threatened by the situation so we leave the house and stay in a hotel. Our SO pwBPD gets abandonment fears and feels hurt and scared. Who is then responsible for the outcome of her fear and who is abusive?  I left the house because I felt hurt, she felt hurt and scared as a result, I wasn't in control of her fear, that's her problem... .in the same way that the ST abuser is not responsible for our frustration and emotional torture.

The only grey area is if ST is used specifically to cause pain, and I'm not so sure this is the most common form of ST in my experience. It's perfectly plausible for a person to mentally justify their silence as a reasonable course of action and therefore be utterly ignorant to the psychological impacts it has on the target.

My 2p anyway!

Enabler

[EdR]

I believe there to be a few of reasons for ST.

- Every time I communicate with you, your response hurts me, so I will not communicate with you to avoid the hurt
- I am angry with you, you do not deserve me to speak to you
- I am angry with you, all I want to do is shout at you but that is against my personal values, to protect myself from this I will numb out to you
- My communication quota is being fulfilled by someone else (maybe affair), I don't need to communicate with you or share my daily life with you as I am sharing it with other people. (This is ST where they talk about only practical things, treat you like a doorman... .I don't want to share anything intimate with you, I'm checking out of the r/s)

Here's the tricky one about ST abuse... .and probably the reason why most people who weaponise their silence don't acknowledge they are being abusive, if you think about it from a boundary perspective, their response i.e. silence is their choice to defend their personal boundary of us hurting them. Unlike a punch in the face where "if you hurt me with your communication I will hurt your face", silent treatment is "if you hurt me, I will refuse to communicate with you". The fact that it's agonizingly annoying, frustrating and functionally debilitating is our personal reaction to something that the ST abuser is not doing... .can they be held responsible for not talking to us?

Using another example:
My SO pwBPD gets enraged, we feel hurt, intimidated and threatened by the situation so we leave the house and stay in a hotel. Our SO pwBPD gets abandonment fears and feels hurt and scared. Who is then responsible for the outcome of her fear and who is abusive?  I left the house because I felt hurt, she felt hurt and scared as a result, I wasn't in control of her fear, that's her problem... .in the same way that the ST abuser is not responsible for our frustration and emotional torture.

The only grey area is if ST is used specifically to cause pain, and I'm not so sure this is the most common form of ST in my experience. It's perfectly plausible for a person to mentally justify their silence as a reasonable course of action and therefore be utterly ignorant to the psychological impacts it has on the target.

My 2p anyway!

Enabler

The intent does not define whether it is abuse or not. The intent is unclear when the reason for the ST is not communicated.
It is just the action in itself which defines the abuse.

Using your reasoning, you could say the same thing about the #metoo discussion.
Maybe your intent is all good, but at a certain moment your behaviour becomes unacceptable regardless of your intent.

[Forearmed]

I'm definitely keeping the context strict relative to my waif situation. At the mid- point of our situation (doing the 'friends' thing) I could come off the back of a great, lengthy phone convo where all was absolutely fine between us. e.g. Three days later I could send a text saying 'how ya doing... .(pet name)? : )  And you simply wouldn't get a response until perhaps 3- 4 days later. Please trust me that the devaluing games had started by then, as she was able to respond very quickly when she was most romantically motivated! ; )

Now whether my waif didn't want to get too close again / was busy setting up her next target... .none of it mattered. The point is reasonable, polite etiquette quickly went out of the window and she actually looked to actively increase the behaviour (when you don't like confrontation and aren't upfront as a person, it's  harder to get out of a situation when someone has done nothing wrong to you, ).  It's simply easy for a pathological to switch off more as the relationship becomes less emotioned -steered for them. Ultimately, it's ALL about them and we nons have to factor that in as their selfishness / self-absorption increasingly kicks in as they go along.      

[EdR]

I'm definitely keeping the context strict relative to my waif situation. At the mid- point of our situation (doing the 'friends' thing) I could come off the back of a great, lengthy phone convo where all was absolutely fine between us. e.g. Three days later I could send a text saying 'how ya doing... .(pet name)? : )  And you simply wouldn't get a response until perhaps 3- 4 days later. Please trust me that the devaluing games had started by then, as she was able to respond very quickly when she was most romantically motivated! ; )

Now whether my waif didn't want to get too close again / was busy setting up her next target... .none of it mattered. The point is reasonable, polite etiquette quickly went out of the window and she actually looked to actively increase the behaviour (when you don't like confrontation and aren't upfront as a person, it's  harder to get out of a situation when someone has done nothing wrong to you, ).  It's simply easy for a pathological to switch off more as the relationship becomes less emotioned -steered for them. Ultimately, it's ALL about them and we nons have to factor that in as their selfishness / self-absorption increasingly kicks in as they go along.      

Yep, I recognize a lot of the behaviour you described.

[Enabler]

Very much so

[Forearmed]

Nice one, eDR and Enabler ! : )

N.B. Thanks for the links also, Cry Wolf. The point where even i was shocked at how disordered she was is long gone. She certainly appreciated our lovely connection but once i became a trigger that was that. Even the fact she still fancied me became a problem... .to the point she would organise meetings but not follow through if it meant she was no longer going to 100% benefit from the experience / risked being upset by getting on too well. 

Ths internal barriers come up so damn high that things you can work well with most nons just don't apply to BPD... .! : )

[Enabler]

Drives me bat sh!t crazy, literally bouncing off the wall nuts. Life stagnates for months and months, nothing gets done as nothing can be discussed... .and when I finally storm into the spare room and demand the ST end and we discuss the state of our relationship... .guess what... .I'm abusive.

[Forearmed]

Drives me bat sh!t crazy, literally bouncing off the wall nuts. Life stagnates for months and months, nothing gets done as nothing can be discussed... .and when I finally storm into the spare room and demand the ST end and we discuss the state of our relationship... .guess what... .I'm abusive.

Lol! Enabler you were well ahead of me and glad you're through the other end! Meeting my non -raging waif while living in my own independent space would have meant the games (manpulation, disappearances, OCD, illnesses, ST, blah blah) would have got her bounced within weeks - I wouldn't have been compromising over the BS, that's for sure!

[Enabler]

through the other end!

Not in the slightest matey... .that's been the last few months/years... .and that's many long periods over the 20yr relationship. I'm still in the marriage by my fingertips and work hard every day to better, if that's at all possible.

[Forearmed]

Enabler - Oh sh.t... .you've got the BsC in BPD studies! I defer... ! : ) I've never done day to day in a proper relationship with one - it's just not in me!