Help today could be the last day for me

[CHChuck]

Honestly, I have hit my limit, so today might be the day I gather enough courage to leave. After another sleepless night wondering how my pwBPD will manipulate me financially if I don't learn to "just be happy" with her criticisms, controlling, and threats. For me, I am entirely dependent on her financially because for decades, I have given all to the relationship and our family counting on the promise of financial security as a senior.  However, she has some advisor who are enabling her illness and have encouraged her to push me back "in my place."

Sometimes I am shocked by how it got to this point. I raised our children, design and built our homes, and nurtured her through life-threatening illness. How do you cope with the "what might have been?"

[Notwendy]

Financial dependence is a difficult situation. What are the marital laws in your area? As the spouse, I don't think she can just toss you out with nothing. I don't think it is unusual for spouses to have unequal finances, however both should contribute to the family in different ways. I can relate to your part, because I also did the bulk of child raising and taking care of the house, setting my career aside while my H built his.

Now that the kids have grown, I am back at work. I don't earn as much as my H. Having a "work gap" likely does that. But raising kids isn't doing nothing. Your kids are the beneficiaries of your efforts in so many ways. Having a BPD mother, who didn't have much interest in raising children, I would say your kids were better off being raised by you.

However, having financial inequality thrown at you, if this is the case, isn't fair. My H would pull the "I make the money" as a reason for his needs and wants being more important than mine. I didn't earn as much as he did but I still loved my career and got a lot of personal benefit from it. Your wife may be the wage earner, but that doesn't give her the right to diminish you as a human being and a partner.

He does value what I bring to the family, but he also has fallen back on the "I earn the money" when we are disussing things. For one, I am more frugal and careful with money than he is. It's a difficult point for me because my BPD mother didn't earn the money in the family, but spent it to the point where we were in debt when I was younger. I didn't want to be like that. So when my H has said things like that, it is difficult to hear. I have decided I'm not going to respond to it. This is a boundary thing. Just because someone says something doesn't make it true.

If I had to pin point the best change in my self confidence, it was to go back to work, even at a lower salary. I have built up work skills and a resume. It has helped me to gain some confidence. When I was mainly contributing at home, that wasn't as visible, but I think it has immesurable value to raise children. But it doesn't come with something as visible as a paycheck. To regain my own self esteem, I had to stay steady with my own value system. I am contributing. But it also helps my own self esteem to get some positive feedback from my job. I still believe that being a stay at home parent is a career, and a respectful one. A caring spouse should not diminish that contribution. But we also need to have our own self esteem.

Like many stay at home parents your focus has been your family. That's a good thing, but what can you begin to do to focus on you, your interests and your skills as an individual now that your kids are older?

[CHChuck]

Thank you for your concern. Money can truly tare apart a family. There are certain shows  I cannot watch because they hit too close to home. Usually, they involve a patriarch controlling everything with the kids and spouse doing somersaults to make him happy.

I'm really asking myself if I'm flipping the tables and manipulating those around me, amping up the drama, to get the thing I want. Then again, that thing should be an easy next step. Alas, today is a day to listen to wiser people than I...Like you.

Thank you.

[Notwendy]

Money is power. There are other "powers" in a marriage, but money is a big one. It's not a good idea in a relationship for the one who earns more to abuse this power, but it's done, unfortunately.

What I grew up with was that my BPD mother held all the power in the family. She didn't work outside the home. My father was main wage earner. For their era, this was the usual configuration for a family. Yet, she controlled every penny he made. The spending was also out of proportion. We were not wealthy- he earned enough to meet our needs and we were comfortable. Yet, my mother had the finest of things- designer outfits, whatever she wanted to the point where my father went into debt. She controlled all of us kids with money- my father had to ask her permission to even buy us a small item. So one of my goals was to become financially independent of my parents as soon as I was old enough and I did.

Sometimes the situations we are in when we choose a partner can parallel our childhood issues. So when my H also "abused" his position with money, it was very difficult for me. The situation was not really only about money but the relationship and the emotions from my own childhoold experiences as well.

Many of us here bring dysfunctional famly dynamics from our childhoods into marriage. Our task is to change our own dysfunctional patterns. The financial issues are tough. You've invested a lot into the home and marriage. When the kids are grown, what can you do now to invest in yourself and your skills?