How do you all handle the off-handed insult/abuse?

[satahal]

Hoping for ideas.

I'm implementing communication techniques for our private conversations and arguments and having decent results. The problem is the pervasive, little zingers - the insults, digs, unfair character attacks, particularly when they happen in front of others. I'm not one to make people uncomfortable by calling him out every time - it's embarrassing. Also, there's my 16 year old son- I don't want to model that these insults disguised as jokes are okay but I also don't want to trigger a blow up in front of my boy either.

The other day the three of us were traveling and shared a hotel room for the night - I had gone to bed. My son was on his smart phone on his bed and my partner wanted to stay up and watch tv - which I had no issue with. I was exhausted and could sleep through the noise. After he clomped around the room with all of the lights on and was about to get into bed to watch tv, I asked very politely if he could turn off a light that was illuminating the room. He very sarcastically replied, "Of course I can turn off the light, after all it's all about you and your comfort."

If we'd been alone I'd have said something but I didn't want to do that in front of my son who is disabled and gets very anxious when there's friction.

I'm noticing all of the small, snide, unfair things he says to me continually. I find them intolerable yet don't want to be engaged in constant correcting or calling him out - it's too much, so I end up trying to ignore or pretend I don't care.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ptilda]

This is a difficult thing. My uBPDh does similar things, but often without words, only a scoff that says "just as I thought... ." whatever that can be interpreted as. Honestly we're now reduced to ONLY text/Facebook conversations. I no longer accept his phone calls and we haven't seen each other for several weeks. He has sent lots of underhanded accusations and insults in his messages, and I just have to realize that first of all, I am not his accusations. He says those things because he is unhappy.

Secondly, I look at the wisdom of picking my battles. Some insults and accusations are important for me to address, I feel. There are larger issues. He is probably looking for a response. Not giving a response is probably the best response, and then maybe address it at a later time if it still bothers you.

Detach yourself from his words. His words are not you. They are not even an accurate portrayal of how he sees you. They are more accurately a portrayal of how he sees himself.

I would certainly take opportunities to speak freely and openly (and privately) with your son (whom I take it is not his child?) about these things, letting him know your situation and thinking. Let him in on the process of living with this person and the disorder. Your son is certainly old enough to care and be affected.

Good luck!

[123Phoebe]

Hi samanthal,

The way things are perceived has a lot to do with my own mood.  My guy is super quick witted, sarcastic and can have a sharp tongue (when he's in that sort of mood).  Most of the time I think it's hilarious; I love it about him.

 

He very sarcastically replied, "Of course I can turn off the light, after all it's all about you and your comfort."

I'd probably reply with, "That's right, mm hmm... .  Thank you, daaaaahhling".

I've also said, "Eeeew, I don't appreciate that", and walked out.

It just depends on the circumstances to the responses/retorts, and it's done and over with, right there on the spot.  It's not going away.  By responding authentically, it's not such a big deal and can be pretty darn funny.

[satahal]

Thank you both for the feedback. I like the idea of injecting a little humor - certainly don't want to come back with a JADE response but it's just so hostile and negative. I think I tend to be a little sensitive to teasing but not everyone teases in ways that are mean and make character implications - when I'm around people who don't use sarcasm and teasing - I'm in awe - I want that! I want to live in a home without sarcasm and teasing - not without humor - but without humor that's at someone else's expense.

Besides humor though I think with my BPD partner it's resentment - he likely was angry that I was going to sleep rather than staying up to watch tv with him. When he's with me he wants my undivided attention and little things like taking a phone call or falling asleep piss him off.