Did he ever even love me? Why wasn't I good enough?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is the question that runs over again and again in my head.

We dated almost two years.  He treated me wonderfully. I watched him play baseball, attended all of his concerts, and we spent nearly every day together.  The bad ways he treated me were unseen to me- including cheating, drug use, and lying.  He only got angry when I questioned this behavior.  He started therapy and support group and begged for forgiveness.  He looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.  He told me he was so overjoyed and thankful that I gave him a second chance.  He brought me flowers, took me on dates, ate dinner with me and slept over nearly every night.  But almost without warning, he went cold on me.  He became indifferent, annoyed, and unaffectionate.  Two months ago, he dumped me and cut contact.  He only reached out once since then, to selfishly look for pity and support from ME with no intentions of rekindling any relationship.  Now we are back to no contact.

I am left wondering if he ever even loved me? Certainly not like I loved him.  Looking back, I remember we had two arguments where he admitted he did not know my middle name, and didn't know I had a masters of science degree.  He didn't try to learn even basic details of my life.  It was all about him.  He also was still clearly obsessed with his ex girlfriend, who he still sees occasionally at work. He would complain to me about how she acts cold to him.  It seems like I was just his on-call therapist.  Finally, after dumping me, he heartlessly told me he would never marry me (we never even discussed marriage... .), did not see a future with me, and wanted me to leave him alone.  He admitted our relationship started out as a rebound, but I am beginning to think that was all I ever was.

It hurts so much.  I did truly love him.  I knew everything about him, good and bad, and I was willing to work with him on it.  We just went on an amazing vacation out of the country.  We were beginning to talk about moving in together.   I am so crushed and lonely.  I'm at the stage in my life when I really, really wanted to be moving forward with a relationship and instead, I feel worthless. Now I am living with a stranger with no romantic prospects whatsoever.  I feel so damaged, that I will never find love again. I hate myself for giving so much energy to someone who, it seems, did not love me.   How do I cope with this horrible fact?  I am severely depressed and feel so lost and rejected.

[whispy90]

This is the question that runs over again and again in my head.

We dated almost two years.  He treated me wonderfully. I watched him play baseball, attended all of his concerts, and we spent nearly every day together.  The bad ways he treated me were unseen to me- including cheating, drug use, and lying.  He only got angry when I questioned this behavior.  He started therapy and support group and begged for forgiveness.  He looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.  He told me he was so overjoyed and thankful that I gave him a second chance.  He brought me flowers, took me on dates, ate dinner with me and slept over nearly every night.  But almost without warning, he went cold on me.  He became indifferent, annoyed, and unaffectionate.  Two months ago, he dumped me and cut contact.  He only reached out once since then, to selfishly look for pity and support from ME with no intentions of rekindling any relationship.  Now we are back to no contact.

I am left wondering if he ever even loved me? Certainly not like I loved him.  Looking back, I remember we had two arguments where he admitted he did not know my middle name, and didn't know I had a masters of science degree.  He didn't try to learn even basic details of my life.  It was all about him.  He also was still clearly obsessed with his ex girlfriend, who he still sees occasionally at work. He would complain to me about how she acts cold to him.  It seems like I was just his on-call therapist.  Finally, after dumping me, he heartlessly told me he would never marry me (we never even discussed marriage... .), did not see a future with me, and wanted me to leave him alone.  He admitted our relationship started out as a rebound, but I am beginning to think that was all I ever was.

It hurts so much.  I did truly love him.  I knew everything about him, good and bad, and I was willing to work with him on it.  We just went on an amazing vacation out of the country.  We were beginning to talk about moving in together.   I am so crushed and lonely.  I'm at the stage in my life when I really, really wanted to be moving forward with a relationship and instead, I feel worthless. Now I am living with a stranger with no romantic prospects whatsoever.  I feel so damaged, that I will never find love again. I hate myself for giving so much energy to someone who, it seems, did not love me.   How do I cope with this horrible fact?  I am severely depressed and feel so lost and rejected.

[WoundedBibi]

It's a question a lot of people here have. Was it real love or did I just fill a need?

The point of course is you'll never know.

> For one you can't look inside his head.

> Secondly what he says might be true, or it might have been said to hurt you and/or push you away or help him feel less about you. So his words are nothing to go on.

> Thirdly how do you measure love anyway?

I was convinced I really loved my ex. By learning more here I figured out how codependent I was and I started asking myself if I really loved him or if he filled a need for me too. And if I wasn't too fixated on love having to feel like this all encompassing Hollywood love song Jane Eyre feeling. Do I really know what love is? I'm not sure I do. It's not really something you can compare...

I do now know love is not about saving someone. Or about falling for someone in 2 days. That intense does not equal intimate.

I think my ex loved me as best he could. Even if it was just because he felt this incredible connection and thought I was perfect and I was the answer to his pain and would solve it all. Till he didn't. I guess the same goes for your ex.

Maybe it's more about falling in love than loving someone. For me those two are different. And I think a lot of pwBPD when they fall in love think, because they feel the high of being in love, they have found THE ONE. Not being mature enough to know the high will pass. The high passes, the pain returns, you 'obviously' aren't THE ONE, next!

Try to let this question go. This journey is not about him. It's about you.

I know you're in a lot of pain. But the pain will become less. And you will learn so much and come out the other end a stronger person.

[once removed]

hi whispy90 

grieving the loss of a dream is excruciating, i know  . it sounds like you feel that your love was rejected, and therefore, by extension, you. thats a unique kind of wound that will not heal over night, but it does get better. you gave a lot of energy to this person - do you tend to provide yourself that energy?

have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist to help with the depression? the vast majority of members here experience major depression in the aftermath of these relationships; its a pain ill never forget, but know that one can emerge from.

[Inharmsway]

Hi whispy90,

The questions you ask are perfectly normal. The pain,  rejection helplessness is all part of reconciling what happened. The pain is incomparable to any other I've experienced.

I was in a similar situation you find yourself in,  the difference being that I chose and made the decision to leave. I realized that I was in love all by myself and in love with an illusion. The love was unrequited, I kept giving,  sacrificing,  compromising and received nothing in return.

I've been NC since that day and haven't looked back. It's almost 2 years now. I can tell you it wasn't easy but whenever I had the urge to contact him I came on this board instead, reading without actually signing up, only had the courage to signed up a few months ago. 

He tried to recycle me in all this time but I just didn't entertain any of it.  I didn't block him anywhere,  I just ignored him.

I've used this time to learn and understand that I was just as much to blame in that r/s. I had my own issues I wasn't even aware I had. I went to see a therapist and I remember on the very first 6hr visit,  she asked such probing questions that I sobbed throughout. I found out that I had issues I had suppressed all my life which subsequently lead to my codependency.

I've since been working on myself. Haven't been in a r/s since then. I'm somehow glad I went through that experience  because if I hadn't,  I would've been doomed to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

Hang in there. The guys on here are awesome and will give all the support you need.

[whispy90]

I've been going to therapy weekly for 10 months (since I first discovered his cheating); it was largely focused on making the relationship work.  We were working on a "full disclosure", and had it scheduled, but he managed to cause a huge fight the night before and the disclosure was cancelled.  Things went downhill from there.  I have also been attending a 12-step program "sex and love addicts anonymous" for 5 months weekly.  All of this really doesn't seem to be helping me.

I have been on antidepressants for about 2 months now.  It doesn't seem to help very much.  In fact, I feel more depressed than ever and lack the motivation to imagine life without him.  I realize my codependency, but it doesn't seem to make it any better.  All I can think of is how happy I felt when I was in his arms, laughing by his side, waking up next to him.  He would walk with me to work each morning, and sometimes surprise me by bringing me lunch during the day.  He brightened up my whole life and I just felt I had finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.   There was also a wonderful physical connection.  I didn't fall in love with him immediately, it took a few months.  I think back then, he did love me.  Once I discovered his "dark side", I don't think he could ever look at me the same again.  He wanted someone to see him as perfect.  Once I knew the truth, he couldn't bear the guilt of looking at how much pain I was in.   I am just so heartbroken.

[molitor]

Whispy, I felt the urge to reply as I am in the same boat. It has been 11 months for me since the abrupt discard of our relationship. I think of her constantly still, but the pain has lessened dramatically. I know with more time and realization of the disorder, we will all gain our strength back.

    I sense a lot of what I felt / still feel in what you write; the deep level of caring, and feeling it back. I truly believe my ex loved me deeply, as your ex did you... .until they didnt. That is the disorder, its abrupt and a complete 180. Everything we did, all the loving memories are gone, "emotional amnesia" as they call it. Its hard for us nons because we still feel that love, remember the bonds made and have to take the hard, slow road to moving on.

    Its hard not to, but dont take it personally. A BPD is in survival mode, and NEEDS to be viewed positively from all people at all times. Being discarded actually shows how much you meant to him, how close you got. Sadly, that is the reason you were painted black... .  best of luck, it does get better with time.

[Inharmsway]

whispy90,

One would swear we dated the guy.

Not to minimize your pain at all,  but one must state that this pain is justified and is part of processing the residual perhaps even still fresh emotions.  I might sound very clinical and probably what I just said is the last things you need to hear right now.  

Your pain is valid and no medication can make it go away.

May I just ask that you ask yourself the question,  what it is that completed you when you were with him,  that spark you speak of, the touch, the actual euphoria etc?  

I found that my answer  to that question was that I was proving the love I didn't  get from my dad.  So I took the caretaker role and tried to rescue him from himself simultaneously this was addressing my daddy issues which I didn't even think I had.  

Do pardon me for constantly bringing my situation into yours.  

I honestly hope that the pain subsides as you process these feelings and questions you have.

[A C]

Yes, he loved you to the extent he could. That's a painful reality of his Disorder. I think we forget that we love/d someone who doesn't process emotions and events in the way that most of us do. Then, when things break down, we tend to assume they deliberately lied to us or wanted to hurt us. And that concept is so painful. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

You are entitled to your pain. No - I'm not suggesting you live in it, but give yourself permission to grieve for him, for the 2 of you - for what you had hoped would be.

From my reading on this site and others, as well as my own experience loving a pwuBPD, after our see-sawing emotional ride with him, we feel stupid for caring and angry with ourselves for trusting this person whose actions can be so cruel. Our friends usually are just relieved that we're out of the chaos of the relationship. This only makes us feel less competent for our choices.

One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that the combination of his terror of losing me and his love - yes love for me - lead him to do and/or say such unkind things. It helps him to feel in control of emotions that are not his friend so he rejects me before I can reject him. Or he berates me to shrink me to a more manageable size. None of this excuses his behavior, but it does help me to keep it in perspective.  Punching a pillow helps me too ... .

I hope you can pamper yourself - do little things that make you feel better about yourself or that bring you comfort. It will take time, but you can heal - you can come through this.

[Ab123]

" I think back then, he did love me.  Once I discovered his "dark side", I don't think he could ever look at me the same again.  He wanted someone to see him as perfect.  Once I knew the truth, he couldn't bear the guilt of looking at how much pain I was in."

Shame is a powerful motivator. My exbfwuBPD ghosted on me twice, both times after behaving very badly.  He is really like an emo vampire, destroying what he loves and hating himself for it.  I didn't understand either time how he could walk away... .I was so sure he loved me. Both times, once I stopped communicating for a period of time, he started chasing me. I recycled once, and am still resisting the second because I happen to have quickly found a great new bf that I'm not willing to give up for more drama with my ex.

Reading the stories here, I feel like there are common patterns and I see my ex in the stories of women who stayed in relationships longer / through more recycle attempts. It gives me a window into what would have come and keeps me strong. Your story is similar. So, thank you f or sharing.

Reading posts here, I'm starting to think that when the non walks away, it provides a punishment that lets the pwBPD chase, and seek a recycle, making all kinds of crazy promises to improve. When the non stays, the bad behavior escalates, and the pwBPD paints the non black as a way to reconcile the cognitive dissonance created by the shame.  "It must be your fault I'm hurting you."  Unfortunately, it seems, either way there can't be a relationship. Someone is always running away or destroying things.

[Inharmsway]

Ab123,  I couldn't have said it better myself.

"It must be your fault I'm hurting you." I can totally relate to this. Everything was my fault,  I remember this one time he was trying to hang a shelf on the wall, one of the pins just couldn't Contain the shelf and he blew up at me.  I mean seriously raged at me.  I graciously kept calm and maintained my composure. 

Did I get an apology,  I hear one asks? Nope,  instead and like always I got a justification for the action and basically insinuating that I should've foreseen that the shelf might end up being slightly skew.

The overwhelming love I once felt for this man has  now mutated to compassion than hatred. I still care very much for him but I have healed and reconciled with myself.

[Yaryar87]

Whispy, I felt the urge to reply as I am in the same boat. It has been 11 months for me since the abrupt discard of our relationship. I think of her constantly still, but the pain has lessened dramatically. I know with more time and realization of the disorder, we will all gain our strength back.

    I sense a lot of what I felt / still feel in what you write; the deep level of caring, and feeling it back. I truly believe my ex loved me deeply, as your ex did you... .until they didnt. That is the disorder, its abrupt and a complete 180. Everything we did, all the loving memories are gone, "emotional amnesia" as they call it. Its hard for us nons because we still feel that love, remember the bonds made and have to take the hard, slow road to moving on.

    Its hard not to, but dont take it personally. A BPD is in survival mode, and NEEDS to be viewed positively from all people at all times. Being discarded actually shows how much you meant to him, how close you got. Sadly, that is the reason you were painted black... .  best of luck, it does get better with time.

I agree with this so much. I think because he loved,or whatever you want to call it, you is the reason you were painted black.  He had a great deal of emotions for you which is why he couldn't handle it.  He has a disorder which makes it difficult for him to show love. I'm in the same boat, just recently had a nice day vacation where everything was perfect only to see him leave me in a bar to go flirt with another girl and then break up with me a week later.  You hang onto the good times and wonder what happened but you need to look at reality.  Him cheating on you is the reality of his disorder.  It's pain and fear you will have to live with if he chooses to recycle or come back.  remembering all the good times and seeing that they are gone can make you feel empty.  But also ask yourself do you want someone who is going to leave you or cheat on you. 

[C.Stein]

All I can think of is how happy I felt when I was in his arms, laughing by his side, waking up next to him.  He would walk with me to work each morning, and sometimes surprise me by bringing me lunch during the day.  He brightened up my whole life and I just felt I had finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with.   There was also a wonderful physical connection.

This is very much how it was like with my ex most of the time.  It is so very hard to lose something like this, to be faced with the thought that it was all an illusion.  Having to come to terms with that has been one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. 

I think back then, he did love me.  Once I discovered his "dark side", I don't think he could ever look at me the same again.  He wanted someone to see him as perfect.  Once I knew the truth, he couldn't bear the guilt of looking at how much pain I was in.   I am just so heartbroken.

The same thing happened with me.  I think once my ex "exposed" herself she started to devalue me.  She couldn't bear to look at the pain I was in nor could she accept responsibility for causing that pain or the damage she had done.  Instead she just swept it all under the carpet and hoped I would do the same ... .again.  I couldn't.   She had said on numerous occasions I would never see her "dark side" which makes me wonder what exactly she was referring to.  In any event she destroyed me, or maybe more appropriately I allowed her to destroy me. 

It is hard to find hope or the motivation to do anything after something like this Whispy, I still struggle with it 8 months later.  It will get better though, it has for me.  Believe in yourself and keep working on your codependency issues so you can find the healthy relationship you want.   

[HarleypsychRN]

This question of "was I ever loved?" is something I struggled with for a while.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to answer it IMHO. I thought I saw love in her eyes but was that what it was? I (we) may not ever know for sure. The one thing that I do know it trying to answer what (to me) is unanswerable will drive you insane, prolong the hurt, the pain and keep you from detaching.

I will offer you this... .love doesn't lie, love doesn't devalue, love doesn't reestablish contact with her ex while in the relationship, love doesn't criticize everything about you one the devaluing begins, love doesn't display narcissistic interactions, love doesn't leave you for no reason, love doesn't refuse to talk about the issues, love doesn't, love doesn't, love doesn't... .

The behaviors they display/displayed are not normal characteristics of love. They reflect deed seeded needs for them to manipulate and control wrapped up in pretty packages. As I told mine in our parting text... ."I'm ashamed I ever let you touch me".

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[bus boy]

I don't think they can love like non's. You were plenty good in his eyes as a source only. Once you are devalued, forget it. I was like a ping pong ball back and forth devalue, discard. It's a hellish way to live. They grow of of you turning your self inside out for them only to get nothing in return. The discard is a helpless hopeless empty feeling but I does go away, I am living proof of it, I was on adivin to help keep me sain. Every day isn't great but it's a far sight better. When the empty feeling hits I know how to deal with it and when it's gone I'm stronger again. They do not respect you for your kind loving ways they consider you weak. There is nothing wrong with you, just the fact that you hurt and your ex doesn't, shows how human you are. They come back when they need a source, don't be a source, don't feed them. No contact is essential to your mental health, none. It is painful, you will be aching to contact, I checked my phone 50 times a day hoping for a text from her. It's hard to see but the discard is the best thing they can do, like a gift from  God. Success is the best revenge. Move on and grow from this. You are on a great site, everyone on here has suffered what you are feeling, it does get better. No contact is a must, not a bit of contact, none. Unless you have children than its hard to go no contact. I have a son with my ex, contact is bare bones. I get a rude ignorant text, I give her no response even though she has a new bf in her life she sends belittling texts to get a reaction, I don't even sent an anymore.

[whispy90]

Update, everyone.  Thanks for the replies.  When he reached out after 2 months, it got out of control really fast on my end.  I was immediately thrown back into fantasy mode, thinking about the "honeymoon" phase and hoping he would take me back.

I did something bad and went to one of his concerts he was playing at (totally uncalled for behavior, I feel ashamed).  He looked really, really happy and was clearly grooming/flirting with his stand mate, a young woman.  After the concert, they walked out together and went their separate ways.  I said his name, and he turned around and we talked for a little bit.  Nothing had changed, though.  It was a really stupid idea.  It ended up with tears on both ends, angry outburts/throwing things on his, and basically he just ended it by being really mean to me. He said he "cared about me" but at the same time did not even want to look me in the eye. It's my own fault, though.  I have never stooped that low and I was an idiot to expect a different result.  My only choice is to move forward and just forget he ever reached out in the first place. 

[HarleypsychRN]

No one will ever be good enough to fill their emotional black hole.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown