I am completely burnt out by my 21yo son

[MamaJo]

I am a single mother of 3 (M21, M19, F16).
I am a nurse and working really hard to keep a roof over our heads. My son has recently been diagnosed with quite severe BPD.. He still lives with me and I  am at breaking point.
My other 2 children are staying with their Dad, as it’s become too volatile in our house. My Son’s moods and behaviours have us all walking on eggshells. I feel so stuck.
I have found him support with a mental health hub after a rocky year that has included 2 suicide attempts, (that were not extremely life threatening). I have been going to therapy with him. But now feel so burnt out I just want him to leave. His abusive behaviour is mirroring my marriage, which I left for peace.
I am finding it so hard to reconcile the child that made my world, and the adult he is becoming.
I’m lost in this.
His father has completely written him off and won’t have him at his house. So I feel this all falls on me.
I will finish by saying, I’m not perfect, but I do everything I can to communicate with him in a respectful and supportive way.
Last night I had to record a conversation to make sure I wasn’t going crazy, it was just so horrible.
He accused me of being off my head on drugs all day, bc I take a small dose of SSRIs.
Sorry for the long post, I just found this site and really need advice and support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Holdinghope1971]

Dropping by to at least let you know you are seen and heard.  I'm new here too and am having a horrific time with my 20 year old son with BPD.  Our circumstances seem eerily familiar.  My son's father also had BPD and I finally escaped that relationship only to have current trauma from my only child's behavior.  My son's father told him a little over a year ago that he is worthless, is a waste of space on the planet, and he hasn't had anything to do with our son since then.  So, I too, am solo as a caregiver / supporter.

I'm afraid I don't have many answers, thus the reason I've joined, but sometimes it's comforting to know you are not alone in this.

You are doing the best you can under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.  It is also ok if you have reached the point that you cannot have him living with you.  Give yourself some grace if that's where you're at.  I know you will do whatever you can to make sure he lands safely elsewhere and will provide what support you can from a distance, if he'll let you.

Hugs!

[MamaJo]

Holding Hope, thank you so much for your response. It does help so much to know I’m not alone with this.
I try to explain to people the tug of war going on between my heart and head. I can’t believe I’ve gotten to the point that I get scared when my son enters the house, just as I used to in the marriage… retreat to my room, go quiet, all the same coping mechanisms. I am holding strong to his moving out, and he is punishing me for it, but I have to protect myself from unravelling. I simply can’t afford to lose the plot.
I am finding peaceful times when he’s out the back, and I’m alone in the house, I have baths, clean up and play podcasts or music. I hope you have some self care routines, giving you some peace too.
Sounds like you, just like me, have endured a lot to get to the point we are seeking support from other parents.
Like you, I am holding on to hope he grows through some of this and becomes more like the funny, kind, witty kid I remember. Although, the more I read about BPD, the more daunting a diagnosis it becomes.
Hang in there Mama.

[js friend]

Hi Mamajo,

Sorry for the late reply but I have just seen your post and hope you see this, as I also wanted to stop by to give you some support.

All the feelings that you describe when you are in your home are the same feelings are the same I had when my udd lived at home. Dread, Anxiety, Sadness, Despair,  etc....My whole personality began to change and I relied on working extra hours at work to avoid going home to chaos.
 
Fortunately my udd decided that it was just too awful for her to continue living at home and left  just before her 18th birthday (her choice) and it was truly a blessing in disguise. It was the best thing for both of us. She is now 32yo and we are now estranged.

I really hope that the mental help support you have found for your son will help and they will some of the load off your shoulders.

In the meantime it is important to find some breathing space. For me I eventually realised that putting in the extra hours at work to avoid being at home wasnt the answer. I was getting burnt out at both ends and  I wasnt doing anything truly for myself that I enjoyed, but I had always enjoyed walking and being out in the fresh air so I joined a  great local walking group. It was great to be around other people and could focus on myself and other things for a while however brief.

My udd would even follow me room to room to argue, but once I learnt not to JADE (Justify, Argue, defend , Explain) myself anymore the pointless back and forth became less. It frustrated Udd but it also helped me to regain control of my emotions quicker.

Others posters have talked about finding counselling for themselves which has helped which I think can be of benefit. Sometimes Gp surgeries also have counselling services available and as you are already on ssri's the wait for a referral for may not be too long which is worth looking into. The members on this site really do understand what you are going through and have helped me through some of the hardest times of my life without judgment. We are here for you.

[OregonianMom]

mamajo, I can relate in so many ways! I, too, am a nurse and recently divorced. My son is almost 21 and dealing with him and his endless emotional support needs is burning me out. I am mentally and physically exhausted all the time, and though his father is still part of his life, my son doesn't turn to him for anything because he just yells at him and tells him to suck it up and grow up. I feel for you, and want you to know that you are absolutely not alone! I will say that I think I'm luckier than most in that my son has been diagnosed fairly young and has accepted that he is a borderline, and does recognize that this is a major reason that he can't keep friends, jobs, etc. I think finding the right counselor- one that specializes in working with borderline patients- has made a huge difference for us! I found her by looking through all the bios on Psychology Today of counselors in my area. My son had to do the reaching out, so it took a while for it all to come together - but for the first time in years, I have hope! I also have a wonderful counselor of my own, which also helps so much. I hope you will find all good resources for yourself and your son, and will find ways to take care of your own needs, because having a BPD child has got to be one of the hardest things in the world! Add to that a stressful career like nursing, and it can feel like it is just too much for one person to be able to shoulder for sure. Just know that you are not alone, and that when it feels like nobody in the world can understand what you are going through, come here and talk to me or anyone else and we will help get you through. Sending you tons of strength, hope and loving energy for peace and healing