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Question: Would you be in your "BPD Relationship" again?
Yes - 15 (11.6%)
Maybe, if... - 22 (17.1%)
Don't know - 9 (7%)
No - 83 (64.3%)
Total Voters: 129

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Author Topic: Would you be in your "BPD Relationship" again?  (Read 871 times)
Samuel S.
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« on: October 31, 2009, 02:50:47 PM »

Would you be in your BPD relationship again, if you could change anything from your past?  

I have started thinking about this today, especially since our anniversary is this coming week.  I don't necessarily think of it as a celebration, although I did get some gifts for her.  

Yes, I have mixed feelings about being married to her, because although she has very many nice qualities about her, there are more negative traits.  If we were both single today and if I would have gotten acquainted with her, I am not quite sure I would even contemplate dating her, let alone marrying her.  

This is hard to admit, but I am being very honest with you.  So, with all this being said, I am wondering how all of you feel about this question.  

Although we do not know each other, we certainly have a common bond.  Your honesty can, at the very least, be helpful for all of us as well as for yourself as you reflect on this question.  

Thank you for your time and for your consideration!
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Hope in Bondi Beach
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« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2009, 10:19:25 PM »

Oh good question,

If i could have the knowledge i have know and start again, yes.

It still might be tough, but i would not make it tougher and i have.

Never met a girl like her, prolly never will again, hope i don't have to

x

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DavidM72

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« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2009, 11:00:52 PM »

I would have to say "NO"! I've been married for 15 years and even if I would have know how to deal with it. I would not want to deal with it. There are too many healthy women out there that I could have picked from. Living with this in my life has made me a different person. A person that I do not like sometimes. Someone who has acted in ways that I may not have acted in another situation.

Sorry if I sound cynical but I am.
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Busybee
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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2009, 12:13:13 AM »

People have been saying to me, "It will all work out for the best. You've learned good things and made progress." But I think I might have made more progress if this relationship hadn't eaten up my life. I certainly made progress in acting in ways that I am ashamed of. I don't think the good parts compensate for that.
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unlisted

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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2009, 12:28:10 AM »

I had some big glaring red flags I ignored at the beginning... .most certainly if I could have seen the future I would have run. Save for my beautiful child... .but honestly I wouldn't have gone through this had I known the reality of what my husband would be like. I'd hope that my son would incarnate in some other form in my life if I could go back.
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Indigo Sky
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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2009, 12:33:24 AM »

Good question.

I wouldnt think about trying this again with my exBPDw. It should have ended at the first date. There were warning signs.

But saying that, I think the flaw lies within me, I did the same with my first wife, knew there were problems and pushed ahead.

Since learning about BPD, I have also learned a lot about myself.

I fall for the first woman that pays attention to me that I find physically attractive... .or maybe that should be physically attractive and sexually active.

If I ever hope of finding a true partner, I have to use my brain... .the one between my two ears... .I have to know myself first, find out what qualities I really deem important in a woman, date, know the woman before getting active... .I have to choose better... .the fault for my 2 failed marriages lies in myself... .deep down I knew they wouldnt work... .but kept going... .
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Busybee
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2009, 10:49:30 AM »

I think I've learned to stop ignoring red flags too. I recently avoided a stupid business situation because I thought, "Sounds like I'd be giving too much and getting too little, just like with BP." And hopefully in the future, this will apply to friendships too. This isn't a lesson I was dying to learn. I would have been happier if I never met BP and never learned it, at least not in this way. Right now, I can't imagine putting my faith in anyone and I don't know how long that feeling is going to last. It was always easy for me to meet people and make friends because I was willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and now I just think, "What are they going to try to get out of me?"

I like what the commenter said about the child above, that hopefully that child would have incarnated in some other way.  The ultimate "It was bad but I don't regret it" relationship remark is about a bad marriage -- but "then I wouldn't have this child." I would think the same as the other commenter, that hopefully that child would make itself known a different way. I don't think any of these bad relationships, from friendships to marriage, are worth ANYTHING. Anything you get out of them, you could have gotten some other way. The fact that we tell ourselves it was worth it is just self-soothing.

I've been puzzled by of the posts on the staying board and this topic seems an okay place to ask: What is the compelling reason for staying in a BP relationship unless you truly can't help it because you're either the parent or child of the BP? I was reading some good posts that said how you just have to anticipate the BP behavior and realize you will be in a caretaker mode always. It seems like a very unhappy place to be. Why would anyone do it just for a love relationship?
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newworld
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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2009, 12:55:08 PM »

No. And that's not for angry reasons. It's because I couldn't because I have changed. I am attracted to different things now and I look for things i didn't know how to see beofre. i no longer am attracted to abuse. i am repelled by it, viscerally, not just in principle.  My BP could not attract me now, as i am in fact no longer attracted to him. He is not particularly good looking, he is balding, he was fat when I met him... .it was his stated values and personality I was attracted to... .in good ways and in bad ways.  Now that I am not attracted to needy, abusive, short, balding borderline men (the UBP X was the same variety, but much less mellow) and this was my type for a LONG time, I also dated an NPD with the same description, who also has a 'calm" demeanor and very 'simple ways" ... .until the mind games started... .anyway, now that abuse no longer attracts me, i hope, I hope I don't find another different manifestation of abuse in the next relationship... .what does my UBPD have to offer me?  Even if the abuse ended, why should I live my life in emotionbal isolation from my (portential) husband and him from our children, and in turn, take care of his emotions? Why don't I deserve a relationship in my life, for once, where there is mutuuality?
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newworld
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« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2009, 01:00:25 PM »

I like what the commenter said about the child above, that hopefully that child would have incarnated in some other way.  The ultimate "It was bad but I don't regret it" relationship remark is about a bad marriage -- but "then I wouldn't have this child." I would think the same as the other commenter, that hopefully that child would make itself known a different way. I don't think any of these bad relationships, from friendships to marriage, are worth ANYTHING. Anything you get out of them, you could have gotten some other way. The fact that we tell ourselves it was worth it is just self-soothing.

I used to think so too busybee, but now irealize it's not true.  We ALL have these chosen relationships for a reason. It is up to us to understand that  reason. Sometimes the reason isn't clear right away. It may be years before the puzzle gets put together.  Sometimes it is to open our hearts to someone ELSE we know who is suffering in some way. Sometimes it is to harden our hearts, a teeny bit, for self protection... .among many other things... .

The only place I would "agree" is in the case of BPD parents. I do not understand why god allows abuse of children. I do not understand why there isn't a level playing field for every single child ,so that free will is truly free will and all other things are equal. but, this is something I do NOT understand, and maybe I am soothing myself , thinking there is a greater purpose. maybe I am fooling myself. maybe there is something happening that I do not understand yet. I absolutely don't know.
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TamiT
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2009, 07:30:27 PM »

I have been on the staying board until recently so I guess my answer is no.  We aren't married but we have a lot of history, 14 years worth and a child. I guess I'm just waiting until the day my disgust is stronger than my guilt would be over leaving him.
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innerspirit
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« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2009, 08:21:30 PM »

Would I do it again, no.  

Have the lessons been worthwhile, yes.  I still haven't quite figured out how to balance the two except perhaps to keep beating myself up for staying as long in the marriage as I did.  I guess I wasn't ready to get out til I was ready to get out.  I've learned probably more than I can articulate -- about myself, about boundaries, about red flags, about what I have the right to expect.

Bigger question -- would I be in ANY BPD relationship again?  God no.

I have been on the staying board until recently so I guess my answer is no.  We aren't married but we have a lot of history, 14 years worth and a child. I guess I'm just waiting until the day my disgust is stronger than my guilt would be over leaving him.

My therapist simply told me I would know when and if I hit the wall.  Very wise and nurturing counsel -- it gave me the dignity and empowerment of making the decision.
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GCD145
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« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2009, 02:22:52 PM »

I voted "Not sure" because even though I'm glad I'm out and even though I resent the nearly 20 years of my life I spent trying to fix someone who can only be fixed by herself, there were still a few good times and I would be a poorer person if I hadn't known her at all.  Of course, all the good could have been had in a LOT LESS TIME and with a LOT LESS UNPLEASANTNESS.
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Lost72

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« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2009, 06:27:53 AM »

Although I voted No, I have to say that being in a relationship with a uBPD has helped me really take a close look at myself.  The time spent in this long long relationship seems like hell sometimes but it has helped me to perceive my own semi co dependent, avoidant nature.  I can only hope that when and if it ends I will be a better person and not a worse one.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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gertrude
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« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2009, 07:00:14 AM »

I have to say No.  I did not work as hard as I did and endure the pain that I did in ending the relationship just to jump back into it again.  Nothing would be different.  I would stand up for myself more, that is true, and perhaps go to the movies and out with girlfriends more often without worrying about his reaction.  But like someone above said, I do not want to be anybody's caretaker.  I do not want to live my life figuring out how to navigate around situations that are abnormal, and wondering about the consequences of my behavior.

But most of all - I honestly do not want to ever think that someone so emotionally challenged, so childish and mean spirited, no matter how well I could ever handle him, is the best that I can do in this world.

Carol   
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shoelaces75
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« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2009, 02:37:51 PM »

To everyone who has participated in this thread "Thank you".    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I go back and forth on my relationship, with no real investment of anything except the hope that she will get better and only 6 months into the relationship.  I really do need to look at myself and why I still want her to get better and for us to "oneday be together".  But this is my grandiosity, fantasy, and co dependence, wanting to "fix" her at work.  I am at a stage where it is simple to get out of this relationship.  I was already in a marriage once, to a high functioning PD, and I suffered a nervous breakdown after 8 years of the kind of neediness that I see in my uBPDgf today.  I see all the same issues at work here but I intellectually know what I am seeing as it happens.  The interesting thing is that the emotional pull is as strong on me now as it was when I met my wife, 20 years ago.  Thanks for the honesty.  Why am I so attracted to needy PD's?
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freshstart12
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« Reply #15 on: November 03, 2009, 03:09:34 PM »

But most of all - I honestly do not want to ever think that someone so emotionally challenged, so childish and mean spirited, no matter how well I could ever handle him, is the best that I can do in this world.

Carol   

Amen. I cannot thank you enough for putting this sentiment out there with such startling clarity. This really just hits home for me in a big way.

I used to think that yes, I would do it again and I would (armed with the volume of knowledge I have now) work tirelessly to be the caregiver in the relationship. I would be a master boundary setter and validation champ. I'd *finally* be the one to get it right for him.

I have learned a lot from this experience, but a dear friend put it into perspective for me the other day when she said, "JPS, I know you think you needed to learn a lesson or something from this, but I wish you could have learned whatever it is a different way."

When all of my other relationships have ended (no matter which party walked away) I have always struggled with the what might have beens... .In this situation, the what might have been if we'd stayed together is far more powerful.

I'm lucky that he left me. Wow, I can't believe I said that.
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Busybee
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« Reply #16 on: November 03, 2009, 03:27:35 PM »

"I know you think you needed to learn a lesson or something from this, but I wish you could have learned whatever it is a different way." -- I was just thinking about this. Not about my BP but about another unfortunate business experience I had. Did I learn some good lessons from it? Yes. Do I think it was worth it? Not a chance in hell. I would rather never have learned those lessons, learned them in some other way, anything other than what I went through. It was after that experience where I felt that those things we say like, "It turns out for the best" and "It made you what you are" are magical thinking. (This is just for me, mind you. Other people may be convinced of the truth of that conventional wisdom.) I'd always believed in those concepts but after that business experience, I thought, "That's just a way to make sense of a random, horrible event... .to explainwhy a bad thing happened to a good person. There is nothing THAT worthwhile about it." I guess I'm just not that spiritual and don't believe there's a grand plan where these things fit in nicely and make sense. Again, yes, I learned a lesson but, no, I didn't think the method was worthwhile, and I don't look back and think "I was lucky in a weird way. Lucky that I learned this lesson." I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy, not even my BP. He'd learn nothing anyway.
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triniprincess

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« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2009, 03:58:44 PM »

At first, I was undecided about if I would again engage in a relationship with my exBPDbf. Now I'm pretty sure that it would be best for me not to re-engage in the relationship AT ALL. After NC for seven months after being dumped that is, we have been talking again for just a couple of days. Things were going great at first. I had planned to relocate to his area over a year ago. He still wants me to relocate  with my daughter,and has gone as far as to find and bombard me with resources for the move. He has again started to ignore me after telling me I was wrong for speaking with my, our, friends about the ending of our relationship. So, I do have piece of mind and feel much more comforted because we did have great conversations and catching up over the last few days even though he blew up at me and I'm again being ignored. Can I change him = Nope. Do I care for him = yes. He has not made any significant changes in his life. He is still in denial about his illness and drinks a lot. I am coming to learn how to love myself so that I can allow my self to hopefully engage in a healthy relationship in the future and to recognize Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) s. If you grew up the way I did and had the "issues" I have and then all of a sudden, swept off your feet by an attractive, smart, fun-loving, supportive, and caring person, BEWARE! I just hope that I continue to gain the strength that I need to move forward with my life and also not in the direction of my ex. I am deserving and capable of having a regular, normal relationship. I just hope I don't see him in the streets! It's a trap.
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OutofOz
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« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2009, 06:22:20 PM »

Busybee, this is priceless!

People have been saying to me, "It will all work out for the best. You've learned good things and made progress." But I think I might have made more progress if this relationship hadn't eaten up my life. I certainly made progress in acting in ways that I am ashamed of. I don't think the good parts compensate for that.

And as far as people saying you learned good things and made progress, I hear ya.  It's straight tripe used when people don't know what to say.  I just overheard a psychologist I know saying this to an acquaintance who just got divorced.  And I know the psychologist hates this acquaintance-- calls him "that passive-aggressive SOB"!  Think it's best to just classify the past as screwed up and work toward a future that's better.

OO
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« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2009, 01:56:32 PM »

Hmm. I'm reading this in two ways: 1) Would I be in the relationship again if I had to do it all over again or 2) would I enter into the relationship again going forward if I had the opportuntity?

I'd probably have two different answers to each: 1) despite all the heartache, turmoil, every horrible feeling the relationship unearthed, there were definite aspects of the friendship I loved, opportunities I had which I enjoyed, met people through him I like and with whom I continue to have friendships. Of course, given the chance to do it all over again, I'd have done some things quite differently, but I want to avoid living in the past and playing "what if" scenarios ad nauseum in my head as that is not constructive, in fact, had been destructive to my mental health and well-being. At least I did learn some things about myself from the process, I'm continuing to learn such things, much as it hurts to do so. I played a role in this entanglement, also, my BP didn't drag me by the hair into it.

But for #2, if the question was would I re-engage in a relationship with him... .everytime I come up with an imagined scenario of how that could have been or would be, I see all the stumbling blocks that would lead to the same end. There is no longer any feeling of mutual trust. Our words would be superficial, emotions hollow. We could never re-establish the closeness we once shared. I don't think there would be any sort of foundation whatsoever.  It took me these 3 1/2 months of NC to finally come to that conclusion.

As for the interesting additional raised comments of "Was there a reason for this?" or "Will I be a stronger person for it?"  perhaps only time will tell. Right now, I can't take solace in people telling me it's for the best that I'm no longer involved.  There's still a part of me that misses that involvement, alhough that little part is very gradually shrinking... .but truthfully I don't think it will ever be completely gone.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2009, 11:08:16 AM »

You didn't have a selection for "Hell No!", so I just selected No.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

There was a old Alan Jackson song where he ponders marrying his wife all over again, and he croons that he would. It's a nice touchy-feely song, and it was on the radio long before I even knew what BPD was. I used to feel guilty because even back then I knew I wouldn't want to marry my BPDw again. I thought I was cold and that there something seriously wrong with me that other husbands are still in love with their wives and I had this feeling of unhappiness in my marriage.

Even after learning about her BPD, it doesn't make it any easier that I would not choose her again. It makes me feel I have been somehow ripped off for my last 21 years of my life. What should have been the most rewarding and happy part of my life (newly-wedded, first home, children,etc.) turned out for the most part to be tarnished.
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« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2009, 01:15:01 PM »

I have voted maybe, if.  If I would have stayed in my own flat, perhaps. Perhaps if he would have gone into therapy. And perhaps if I would have been a different person.

There were great moments in our relationship, there were great times. And there were horrible times. At the end it turned out there was too much drama, too much emotional unpredictability - At numerous times I was threatened with been thrown out if I did not do what he wanted me to do, etc. He wants to be in the stage of having fallen in love and lust for ever. He is like a guy in puberty who does not want to intensify a relationship. He does not want love, he wants to fall in love.

It would have been good if I would have left earlier. Maybe after 5 years instead of planning to leave after 20 years.

It is difficult. When I met him, I obviously was attracted to an uBPperson. I do not want to have a relationship with another one.

No way. Too much drama, too much energy spent and actually in all this attention business I do not get enough myself.

Cheers.

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« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2009, 01:24:50 PM »

On the surface it looks like a simple enough question and a simple enough answer of "NO".  But when I look into the eyes of my children, hear their laughter when they play, snuggle up to them when we watch movies together, being told you are the best dad in the entire universe and hearing them tell you they love you when you kiss them goodnight I would never have changed a thing.
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ugly
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« Reply #23 on: November 14, 2009, 07:21:07 PM »

what a question! one i've just recently been asking myself, "if i knew, would i do it again?" i don't think i really wanted to confront my answer. which is a qualified NO. i have kids. i relate to everyone who said that they could say no if they knew their kids would still be part of this world, so, that's a really hard one. i cannot say anything that might mean my kids wouldn't be here, exactly as they are. so, that means this relationship had to be, i suppose. i've said, though, at hard times, as long as they are here, even if i weren't blessed to have them, then i'd bow out of it. but, i don't really believe that would have been a possibility. and again, they have been my love and my light and my reason for living for a long time, so, yeah, that's a really hard one.

just myself alone, nope, wouldn't do it again. i'd rather be alone, if that's how it ended up. having said that, i also realize people hate being alone, and will do almost anything to have a relationship. so, God, please help me on that one. now, i'd say healthy alone is better than sick together, but, if i had never had a relationship, i might have thought having some companionship would be better than none at all, even if it had its "drawbacks."  Smiling (click to insert in post)

last thought, i for sure would have said i learned something from all of it, i grew as a person, i am who i am because of all the abusive relationships i endured (mom, husband, employers), and that i'm a pretty amazing and special person, so, maybe that's how it had to be, something worthwhile out of it. but, again, i've said, too, maybe all that energy, all that dragging down, maybe if i had had someone to love me, to build me up instead of tearing me down always, imagine, maybe i could have been even better, maybe i could have gone farther, higher, been a healthier, happier person. so, maybe, no, maybe it wasn't worth anything at all. but, what are you going to do? it is how it is, can't change it. and i did say, in our marriage, it, this, it's really not making me a better person, after all.

so, i'm in a relationship, i think i'm in it for a good while longer, but, the thought has crossed my mind, though... .is a healthy relationship possible? personally, although i'm not in a position to be thinking about it, but, oh, man, sometimes it does pop up, the thought of being loved, really, sharing, trust, all that, how nice it might be, to know that, even just one brief moment before the lights go out, you know?

but, i wonder if, for me, that could ever be possible. or if i'm too messed up to ever experience that. i'd also be kind of terrified of getting involved with anyone. how do you know it won't be deja vu all over again? they don't always show their true colours at first blush, and by the time you realize it, especially for someone who has been living it for so long, with no healthy standard to compare it to, and so easily trapped, it can be after you're really stuck in it, i'd think? yes? no? how do we learn to trust again, to read the signs, to seek a healthy person, even to attract one, because it seems, some of us are just magnets for abusive partners. how does that happen? how do we make is stop? seriously.
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shoelaces75
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« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2009, 04:19:55 PM »

I would, knowing what I know now, vote no.  A colossal waste of time and energy.  Nothing very beautiful ever seemed to emerge.  Just a lot of fear and rotting insides, turmoil, anger, despair, anxiety and loneliness.  Also a loss of self esteem and activation of old shame, the generation of new shame.  Not a pretty picture.  Not to mention the loss of trust in my own discernment.
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« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2009, 06:10:52 PM »

Probably not, but this definitely goes with "I would have to know what I know now".

I would hope I'd pay attention to the  |> and set firmer boundaries for myself. I would hope I've learned enough about myself to do this, and perhaps not send out the signals that I am an easy mark. And then not to be an easy mark.

And THEN see what happened.
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« Reply #26 on: November 17, 2009, 09:39:14 PM »

I said yes.  I am on the staying board and been with my husband almost 12 years and have known just as long - I found out right after we got married.

Now ask me this question 12 years ago I would of said no way... but now that I know how it can turn out and has turned out for me I said yes I would do it all over again .

Some of the problems were me also, and I had to do a lot of working on me. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: July 24, 2013, 07:21:40 AM »

With the knowledge I have about PDs today, I would have seen the red flags I didn't see when we were dating. i.e. the mirroring. I thought I had met the perfect match, a man who likes many of the things I like, and wants participate in my interests. It didn't occur to me that he had very few interests of his own! The idealization! Who would have thought that someone thinking I was perfect would be a problem? Ah, hem, burst my bubble! The black and white thinking. It was always there, I just didn't know what it was! The big one, only a one year courtship, even though my gut told me it was too soon. I relented because of extenuating circumstances, and if I had it to do over, no way would I have gotten married so soon. A longer courtship may have brought out more behaviors that he was having trouble keeping under wraps, giving me a better opportunity to see trouble before I made a commitment!

All of that being said, in case it's not clear, no way would I have been in the relationship! Furthermore, having explored this in T, I will not be in another BPD relationship. My T believes that I will be keenly aware of the signs, and to quote her, will smell them a mile away!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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tailspin
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« Reply #28 on: July 24, 2013, 07:47:57 AM »

This is a great question!  

I believe we have lessons to learn in life, lessons that bring us closer to personal enlightenment and fulfillment.  I also believe these tasks will continue to be presented to us until we are able to master the lesson.  That being said, based upon my childhood dynamics, it was inevitable that I would meet my ex.  I finally learned to trust myself because one of the scariest things I've ever done was to let go of him and trust that everything will be ok.  

It's been said that what we fear the most will present itself; this is one of life's magical paradoxes.  In a perfect world none of us would have to feel the pain and suffering associated with learning these valuable lessons... . but life is far from perfect.  

Do I wish I had never met him?  yes.  Am I glad I met him?  yes.

tailspin

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« Reply #29 on: July 24, 2013, 08:37:04 AM »

Good question -

if I had a "do over," I may approach it differently.  Knowing what I know now, I triggered her fears of abandonment when we would fight and I would leave / disappear to get away from the situation.  Did I know that she had this pre-existing fear prior?  Absolutely not... . Had I known, I would have found another, more constructive method to deal with my hurt / anger during those moments.

I would have set boundaries and stuck to them.  I would have continued to be myself.  I would have communicated better.  I wouldn't have lived in fear of her, nor let her control me... .

But what else can I say?  It was a very hard / painful life lesson that I had to go through.  I know my short comings, and I am working on them daily.  I'm still sad about the loss of the r/s, because I do feel that it had so much potential!

I will definitely take this lesson to the next chapter of my life, but the scar will remain for a long time!

Good topic

MCC
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nyfit1

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« Reply #30 on: July 24, 2013, 12:22:03 PM »

No, no and no. Wish I had a time machine. If I did I would go back to the first day I met her and kick my own ass.
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« Reply #31 on: July 24, 2013, 12:54:39 PM »

No, no and no. Wish I had a time machine. If I did I would go back to the first day I met her and kick my own ass.

My sentiments exactly... .

Was devastated when dumped for no reason originally... . hurt by her showing up with other guy across street from where I lived, moved 1500 miles away, left family, city I grew up in, and friends just to be apart from her... . 27 yrs later she contacts me, it ends in divorce, trouble for my exwife, daughter... . I have lost a business, best job I ever had, 1/2 my stuff and a lot of self respect from the r/s.

She has been the bane of my existence... . wish I had never met her.
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talithacumi
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« Reply #32 on: July 24, 2013, 06:09:19 PM »

Not a chance.

Would I trade what I've learned from this experience for having never having had it in the first place?

Absolutely.

That said, having had it and having learned what I have from it, I do believe I'm emerging a better, healthier, genuinely happier, and more complete person in my own right for it ... . but I also believe, if this were as necessary as I keep being told/telling myself it actually was, I or the fates eventually would have found another perhaps kinder, gentler, and more proactive way to achieve the same end.

Calling it a gift makes about as much sense to me as calling getting pushed off a cliff a shortcut to the bottom.



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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #33 on: July 24, 2013, 07:03:38 PM »

If I knew then what I know now the relationship wouldn't have lasted very long; the only reason it lasted as long as it did was because I took all the abuse, devaluation, insults and rudeness and didn't stand up for myself, and as soon as I started to, the relationship ended.  She needed to hit me with a constant barrage of beratement to temper her feelings of inadequacy, and I would have put up with it for about a minute if we were to go again.  Good news though right?  Post-relationship I've already found myself holding my ground and tolerating a whole lot less sht from people in general and significant women in particular.  Live and learn, thanks BPD.
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danley
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« Reply #34 on: July 24, 2013, 07:04:08 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.
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« Reply #35 on: July 24, 2013, 10:13:40 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.

sounds like you are still bargaining with the whole situation?  What are your thoughts about that?
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danley
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« Reply #36 on: July 24, 2013, 11:24:58 PM »

I don't think I would, especially if I had known my ex had major fears and emotional issues. They never fully emerged til the last year of our relationship. If I had known earlier about them I would probably set better boundaries. I never met someone who played a such a good role to everyone. He has practically everyone fooled including his best friend and family. I would have taken different steps towards him. I definitely wouldn't have gave so much of myself that I had nothing left in the end but resentment. But then again, had I made those changes, he probably wouldn't have lasted as long with me.

But It's all in the past now and I can't change that all now. If there were a chance to reconciliation I'd not be so quick to take him back. I'm still healing from the hurricane of his disorder. He would have to take initiative to seek professional help on his own and maybe together in some kind of couples counseling. I'd have to see CONSISTENT progress, even of slowly as I wouldn't expect an overnight miracle. But even then, there would need to be rebuilding of trust. And after typing what I just said, it seems impossible. So right now, I am trying to focus on rebuilding my confidence and having balance.

sounds like you are still bargaining with the whole situation?  What are your thoughts about that?

Yup. It sucks. I think about the good sides of my ex and I start to feel unsure about myself.

I guess today I feel a little sensitive and down... . WEAK! Today we would have been celebrating a monumental point in our lives together. We planned for it for 2 years. I spent a lot of time thinking about him today especially because of todays date. I remembered a lot of the good. But just a little while ago received a text saying he wanted to share how his day went with the event we had planned together but couldnt talk today because he was not alone. I felt annoyed that he would tell me he wasnt alone on this day that he KNOWS is important to me as ive been waiting so long to share it with him. Talk about a slap to my face. I felt like he was rubbing it in or something. First that he's at the event and second that hes not alone. Ugh. I don't know who he's with but Im assuming its with his new chick. It really hit hard that ALL the  waiting for him and being patient in our relationship and being hopeful was ALL IN VAIN! And why the freck are you even texting if you're with your new joy toy? Ugh!

Sorry. If you havent noticed im a little bitter today. Felt like i had a relapse

I need a vacation far far away... .
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« Reply #37 on: July 26, 2013, 04:02:32 PM »

I loved him so much. I'd have given the guy the shirt off my back. I thought he was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. That's with all the turbulence, the break ups, the bizarre behavior, the projecting, the splitting etc. When he suddenly dumped me at a time I would most need a partner's support, thus adding trauma on top of crisis, I realized there was something irreparably wrong with the guy. It wasn't simply a question of being patient.

No, I wouldn't take him back. I can't abide the presence of untrustworthy people. I play a hard game of baseball. He got his two strikes. He'll get no opportunity for a third.
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« Reply #38 on: July 26, 2013, 04:46:24 PM »

Twester did we see the same guy?

The beauty, the projecting splitting jealousy domination attempts - and dumping when support most needed! Oh it's always the same story eh or variations thereof.

As the person above posted, as there isn't a 'HELL NO' button I just pressed 'NO'.

And if I could repeat that NO a thousand times I would!

I still feel gutted... . but I have to say... . thank God he's gone. He brought me nothing good except sex which is fleeting and a couple of nice holidays I could have had with someone nicer. The rest was just exploitation, guilt and abuse which I took for reasons I can't quite yet fathom. Guilt and core parental wounds I think
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #39 on: July 26, 2013, 05:40:38 PM »

I'm still far from over my XBPDBF.  He dumped me.  That's probably a big part of it.  There are many things I wish I had done differently.  I think I would have handled things differently if I hadn't started feeling so insecure in the relationship.  I especially wish I was handling the break up better. 
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« Reply #40 on: July 26, 2013, 05:54:18 PM »

I wouldn't, even if he was the last man on earth and there were no sheep.

I learned my lesson the first time around and I don't believe I'm dumb enough to stick my hand into the flames once more after the way I got burned. Not again Smiling (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #41 on: July 27, 2013, 12:49:04 AM »

Had to vote no, hopefully once will be enough for me.

Despite the pain of going through this experience I am glad it did happen. I am going to learn from it and hopefully is going to make me a better person in the long run. It has forced me to take a long, deep look at myself and my own flaws that I am still discovering.

Would I want to do it again, having gone through it once? That's an easy answer, NO!
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« Reply #42 on: July 27, 2013, 01:15:16 AM »

Unfortunately, my BPD relationship is with my son.  I can't divorce him.

Do I wish things were different?  Absolutely.  I would do anything to have him born

into a sane world without BPD.  He does not deserve this terrible disorder, nor does anyone who loves him.  Every parent with a BPD child knows about guilt.

Bpd is cruel, hurtful, heartbreaking, frustrating, evil... . and the list goes on and on.  No amount of praying will make BPD go away.  But we still pray.  We pray for for guidance and sanity so we can deal with our beloved children who are extremely ill.

It is what it is, and for us to walk away is not an option.  They have no one else.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #43 on: July 27, 2013, 02:11:47 AM »

To answer the question:   absolutely, unequivocally NO.      This is a person I showed compassion, love, the utmost patience with, shared intimate details of my life, bent over backwards for, and they still chose to drive a dagger threw me.   They sucked all the compassion, love, and trust out of me honestly, in addition to just wasting a lengthy period of my life with circular arguments, meaningless sex, and constant lies. 

As a parent I love my child more than anything, if they were BPD I can't say what exactly I would do, but at some point as a parent you have to let them deal with the consequences of their own decisions/actions. 

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« Reply #44 on: July 27, 2013, 02:14:21 AM »

IF she got sober and stuck with therapy I would. But I don't see that happening.
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« Reply #45 on: July 27, 2013, 04:00:44 PM »

At first I voted maybe if... . but I'm changing it to no. I would go back into the relationship if she would go into therapy but she denies everything and I can't see her hitting her "rock bottom" anytime soon. I changed it to no because she slept with one other man that I know of and for that, I can't trust that she wouldn't do it again. I cared for her very much and the pain that she caused in the end as if it wasn't a big deal, well I just can't put myself through all of it again.
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« Reply #46 on: July 27, 2013, 06:25:37 PM »

No, I would not.  But since I was in it, ignoring red flags and the advice of friends, now I must deal with the aftermath.  The relationship robbed me of the trust I always used to have.  Even though I considered him difficult, he always said wonderful things that assured me, such as "You have nothing to worry about, you are the only woman for me!" And "I would not want you seeing any other man, I want you all to myself!"  Yes, he said those things during the very time he was establishing another relationship for himself.  I never saw it coming, I was actually in a clinical state of shock, face as white as paper when I found out.  So, now I am concentrating on myself, and find the experience changed me as a person.  Now, I waste no time in asking for feedback, clarification, from those who know what I have been through.  Slowly, I am re-building the trust and confidence I once had, but it takes much energy.  So of course I would never, ever be in my BPD relationship again.  I never knew one human being could damage another so profoundly, never knew a human being could be capable of such outrageous duplicity.  Guess I thought everyone thought like "normal" & it was my misfortune to meet someone who, at first, was very charming.  At time, I do find myself feeling sorry for him, (he makes mistake, after mistake) then force myself to remember just what he did to me.  So now, I concentrate on healing myself. 
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« Reply #47 on: July 27, 2013, 07:23:11 PM »

Uh, no. Not in One Million Years. No. No way no how. It was the worst and most awful relationship I've ever been in. I can't believe I was in it. Almost two years NC and I am totally over her, and over being enthralled with drama and crazy. Never again.
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« Reply #48 on: July 27, 2013, 08:56:01 PM »

I was looking for a "HELL NO" option too.  When I occasionally go over to read what's on the "Staying" board I feel bad for them, my guts churn at what they are still putting up with from their BPD partner and the mammoth energy and effort they have to spend on figuring out how to manage it - when either being alone or finding a "normal" person to love is preferable to me.  I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than suffer that kind of addiction and emotional abuse ever again.  I've never felt more in love and loved (at times) but it wasn't worth the pain and damage done.  Love shouldn't come at such a price.

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