My therapist says I have been in denial

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear friends,

I am new to this board.   I posted my intro yesterday and am raw with feelings of grief.  The feedback I received was very helpful.   I feel so happy and grateful to have found all of

you.

I am also tired, did not sleep well but want to post today to seek feedback on an issue with my therapist who I have been working with since 1996.   I am 63 years old, mother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, also imo uBPD.   I also believe that three of my fours sisters are uBPD, my one brother is a raging alcoholic.   I am the youngest of six and suffered every abuse imaginable at the hands of my parents and older siblings.   

I told my therapist all of this early on in the therapy.   I was living far away from the foo  at the time and sought therapy to deal with starting  my second marriage to a wonderful man.   She has helped me immeasurably in many ways.  I am very fond of her.   My husband and I have also had couples therapy with her.   Without her help, I would most likely be divorced.    She has been with me through the ups and downs of dealing with work issues and the day to day stuff of life.       

My oldest sister died recently and since then, I have had a lot of PTSD symptoms.   This sister colluded with my mother in her abuse of me.   I was the baby and mother's favorite child, lucky me.   She bonded with me and tried to kill me when I tried to leave home, mother died over 20 years ago.    This sister called me a whore, slut when I dated or tried to get married...mother was insanely jealous of any man in my life.

I am still enmeshed with foo and that is the current problem   T thinks that this gets in the way of my marriage and my freedom and happiness in life.    She said this to me for the first time in all these years of therapy a few months ago.   Frankly, I was shocked.

I remember thinking, I can't believe she is responding this way, I feel validated for the first time!    Her usual response had been to be silent pretty  much when I shared anything about the foo issues.    She would nod and then find a way to bring me to the present and take responsibility for my life.   I always felt like the abuse was my fault until just recently.   T is saying that I am just coming out of denial, but I think it is she who is coming out of denial about my life.  Truthfully, I am thoroughly confused and afraid to bring this up in our session tomorrow.      I am considering emailing her today, give her a summary of this issue so that I don't back out of bringing it up tomorrow.    I notice that as I contemplate this session with her, my anxiety is off the charts.   

She never said isn't that nice they abused you and it is your fault.   She would just mostly be silent so I always assumed that meant it was my fault.   She never took a proactive role and encouraged me to look at possible BPD or teach me about the effects of living with a mother with the dx that my mother had.   The only time she ever mentioned BPD was in reference to me.   Early on in the marriage, my anger would erupt at my husband so I worked hard to fix that.    I was worried that I might be BPD and brought it up to her at that time.   She said that no I was not borderline but that I did have borderline traits...anger issues and fear of abandonment.    She said that I was one of her most responsible and coachable clients.   She admired the way I always took responsibility for my actions and always worked hard to heal and change myself for the better.   Also when I mentioned in my last session with T that I was reading UTBM, she had never heard of the book.   That worried me.   Her focus has been to help me change me and that has been good but I think that has also prevented me from the necessary grief work that I should have started long before now.   I am feeling very angry with her.

She says that I am talking about my life differently now but I disagree.   I think she is listening different.

I hope this makes sense to someone who may have some insight to what I am going through and what I should do.    Any feedback, suggestion is appreciated.

[newfreedom]

Dear friends,

I am new to this board.   I posted my intro yesterday and am raw with feelings of grief.  The feedback I received was very helpful.   I feel so happy and grateful to have found all of

you.

I am also tired, did not sleep well but want to post today to seek feedback on an issue with my therapist who I have been working with since 1996.   I am 63 years old, mother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, also imo uBPD.   I also believe that three of my fours sisters are uBPD, my one brother is a raging alcoholic.   I am the youngest of six and suffered every abuse imaginable at the hands of my parents and older siblings.   

I told my therapist all of this early on in the therapy.   I was living far away from the foo  at the time and sought therapy to deal with starting  my second marriage to a wonderful man.   She has helped me immeasurably in many ways.  I am very fond of her.   My husband and I have also had couples therapy with her.   Without her help, I would most likely be divorced.    She has been with me through the ups and downs of dealing with work issues and the day to day stuff of life.       

My oldest sister died recently and since then, I have had a lot of PTSD symptoms.   This sister colluded with my mother in her abuse of me.   I was the baby and mother's favorite child, lucky me.   She bonded with me and tried to kill me when I tried to leave home, mother died over 20 years ago.    This sister called me a whore, slut when I dated or tried to get married...mother was insanely jealous of any man in my life.

I am still enmeshed with foo and that is the current problem   T thinks that this gets in the way of my marriage and my freedom and happiness in life.    She said this to me for the first time in all these years of therapy a few months ago.   Frankly, I was shocked.

I remember thinking, I can't believe she is responding this way, I feel validated for the first time!    Her usual response had been to be silent pretty  much when I shared anything about the foo issues.    She would nod and then find a way to bring me to the present and take responsibility for my life.   I always felt like the abuse was my fault until just recently.   T is saying that I am just coming out of denial, but I think it is she who is coming out of denial about my life.  Truthfully, I am thoroughly confused and afraid to bring this up in our session tomorrow.      I am considering emailing her today, give her a summary of this issue so that I don't back out of bringing it up tomorrow.    I notice that as I contemplate this session with her, my anxiety is off the charts.   

She never said isn't that nice they abused you and it is your fault.   She would just mostly be silent so I always assumed that meant it was my fault.   She never took a proactive role and encouraged me to look at possible BPD or teach me about the effects of living with a mother with the dx that my mother had.   The only time she ever mentioned BPD was in reference to me.   Early on in the marriage, my anger would erupt at my husband so I worked hard to fix that.    I was worried that I might be BPD and brought it up to her at that time.   She said that no I was not borderline but that I did have borderline traits...anger issues and fear of abandonment.    She said that I was one of her most responsible and coachable clients.   She admired the way I always took responsibility for my actions and always worked hard to heal and change myself for the better.   Also when I mentioned in my last session with T that I was reading UTBM, she had never heard of the book.   That worried me.   Her focus has been to help me change me and that has been good but I think that has also prevented me from the necessary grief work that I should have started long before now.   I am feeling very angry with her.

She says that I am talking about my life differently now but I disagree.   I think she is listening different.

I hope this makes sense to someone who may have some insight to what I am going through and what I should do.    Any feedback, suggestion is appreciated.

[Cordelia]

 

I don't know that I have that much good advice to offer WRT your issue with your therapist, since I have never had a relationship with a therapist that lasted that long - mostly, I have seen therapists for shorter-term difficult periods of less than a year.  But I have noticed that it takes time to develop a rapport with a therapist and some of them do have a more hands-off approach that you may have interpreted in a way she did not intend (for example, as a confirmation that the abuse was your fault in some way).  I also like a therapeutical approach that is more of a two-way street - and I especially like these boards, because in many cases I cannot remember specific episodes, just general feelings, and reading of others' experiences jolts my memory and confirms that these feelings do not come out of thin air, but from specific experiences. 

Good luck tomorrow and I hope you find what you need here!

[newfreedom]

Dear Salome,   thanks so much for your response, it helps to be heard!   I 'm not as anxious about the appt. with her now.   I will bring this up with her after I have prayed first and I 'm sure I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.   

[LOAnnie]

Welcome to the Forum.  I'm glad that after so much time your therapist is finally giving you some validation for the abuse you suffered from your very dysfunctional and ghastly foo. 

I've heard that the Freudian-style of therapists are more hands-off and simply guide the patient into talking through her issues herself without offering much in the way of opinions or advice.  Frankly, that just doesn't seem that useful to me, to be honest!  And very time-consuming to boot.

Perhaps in addition to your long-time therapist, you could also see a therapist who specializes in treating the adult survivors of child abuse?  Because you had that in spades; a whole family of abusers. Or, perhaps a therapist who specializes in those with post-traumatic stress disorder,  or the adult children of substance abusers,  or a true specialist in treating BPD or the adult children of BPD parents, who is familiar with dialectical behavioral therapy.  Not that you have BPD, but I've read that it can help those of us who were raised by BPDs and picked up some BPD "fleas" because of it.

Just a thought; not necessarily drop your long-time therapist whom you trust, but add another therapist who is more of a specialist in your issues for some fresh insights and new tools for dealing with remaining painful issues.

-LOAnnie

Dear friends,

I am new to this board.   I posted my intro yesterday and am raw with feelings of grief.  The feedback I received was very helpful.   I feel so happy and grateful to have found all of

you.

I am also tired, did not sleep well but want to post today to seek feedback on an issue with my therapist who I have been working with since 1996.   I am 63 years old, mother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, also imo uBPD.   I also believe that three of my fours sisters are uBPD, my one brother is a raging alcoholic.   I am the youngest of six and suffered every abuse imaginable at the hands of my parents and older siblings.   

I told my therapist all of this early on in the therapy.   I was living far away from the foo  at the time and sought therapy to deal with starting  my second marriage to a wonderful man.   She has helped me immeasurably in many ways.  I am very fond of her.   My husband and I have also had couples therapy with her.   Without her help, I would most likely be divorced.    She has been with me through the ups and downs of dealing with work issues and the day to day stuff of life.       

My oldest sister died recently and since then, I have had a lot of PTSD symptoms.   This sister colluded with my mother in her abuse of me.   I was the baby and mother's favorite child, lucky me.   She bonded with me and tried to kill me when I tried to leave home, mother died over 20 years ago.    This sister called me a whore, slut when I dated or tried to get married...mother was insanely jealous of any man in my life.

I am still enmeshed with foo and that is the current problem   T thinks that this gets in the way of my marriage and my freedom and happiness in life.    She said this to me for the first time in all these years of therapy a few months ago.   Frankly, I was shocked.

I remember thinking, I can't believe she is responding this way, I feel validated for the first time!    Her usual response had been to be silent pretty  much when I shared anything about the foo issues.    She would nod and then find a way to bring me to the present and take responsibility for my life.   I always felt like the abuse was my fault until just recently.   T is saying that I am just coming out of denial, but I think it is she who is coming out of denial about my life.  Truthfully, I am thoroughly confused and afraid to bring this up in our session tomorrow.      I am considering emailing her today, give her a summary of this issue so that I don't back out of bringing it up tomorrow.    I notice that as I contemplate this session with her, my anxiety is off the charts.   

She never said isn't that nice they abused you and it is your fault.   She would just mostly be silent so I always assumed that meant it was my fault.   She never took a proactive role and encouraged me to look at possible BPD or teach me about the effects of living with a mother with the dx that my mother had.   The only time she ever mentioned BPD was in reference to me.   Early on in the marriage, my anger would erupt at my husband so I worked hard to fix that.    I was worried that I might be BPD and brought it up to her at that time.   She said that no I was not borderline but that I did have borderline traits...anger issues and fear of abandonment.    She said that I was one of her most responsible and coachable clients.   She admired the way I always took responsibility for my actions and always worked hard to heal and change myself for the better.   Also when I mentioned in my last session with T that I was reading UTBM, she had never heard of the book.   That worried me.   Her focus has been to help me change me and that has been good but I think that has also prevented me from the necessary grief work that I should have started long before now.   I am feeling very angry with her.

She says that I am talking about my life differently now but I disagree.   I think she is listening different.

I hope this makes sense to someone who may have some insight to what I am going through and what I should do.    Any feedback, suggestion is appreciated.

[ihvhope]

I don't have any advice but I'm very curious what advice others give you. I went to therapy for a short while about five years ago and I'd love to go back, but I didn't feel like my T was helping me. She never helped me work through things and would tell me to close my eyes and feel myself breathe. It drove me nuts. I wanted answers but she was not about to give it up. ;-) She did mention that my mom was NPD but then never mentioned it again. Had she done that I could have found this place a lot earlier and started this journey then. She never even recommended a book. I find that VERY strange. You'd think these T's would want their clients to get validation. In the end I felt like my T was just trying to drag stuff out for the income and each week I left feeling like I didn't get anything out of the visit. I may try to find a T that specializes in this area, but I'm just not sure where to start.

I'm glad you're hear. I think we all can learn a lot from you. I hope you get the answers you need.  x

Tracy

[anker]

Might be a good sign that you're now able to approach her and point out trouble you're having with her. And that you're able and safe enough to confront it might be triggering you too a bit.

That's awesome that you're going to bring it up. I'd like to get that strong!

[mymomwasubpd]

Hi,  I don't understand your therapist saying that you have been in denial.  And since I am new to this board and quiet don't know your situation, it would be hard for me to comment on it.  During the course of dealing with myubpm while see was still living, was to have periods of No Contact.  The times of  no contact allowed me the time I needed to work on healing.  I also attended therapy and followed tbe therapist suggestions as much as possible.  This showed me that the BPD mom was never going to admit to the terrible abuse.  I learned at age 19 that she would only go more ballistic when I brought up info to confront her with.  I helped me learn that I would not get what I craved from her acceptance. .  That was a goal of therapy, too get me to see that mother would never tell me se was sorry.

I understand therapy can be helpful.  Best of luck to you

[newfreedom]

Dear friends,   I just spent over an hour writing a post, then when I submitted, it disappeared because I got logged off!   So I will try to re-construct.   

First I want to thank you guys who responded below, I feel so supported by you all.  Your kind words gave me the courage and confidence to have THE TALK with my T today and it went so well.   First I shared with T that I had angry feelings toward her and was anxious about sharing so we talked about that issue first, which was really helpful.     Then I shared exactly what I wrote here, that if I did have denial, then she helped me get there because of the way she responds when I do share about foo issues.    She did accept responsibility for doing that and she apologized.   She then self disclosed that she herself has had that same issue in her work with her therapist.  Amazing.     The conversation was healing, it taught me a great deal, especially that not everyone will make you feel crazy, bad, wrong, when you have an angry feeling, or attack or abandon you because of it.       

Yes, (i love your name), it was great practice for the world outside, thank you so much for your comments, your energy was with me today, it jumped right off the page and into me. x

anker, yes it WAS awesome and if I can do it, you can too! x

mymomwas,   welcome to you, I'm glad you're here,  my mom wouldn't apologize either, but some people do, there is hope. x

tracy,  thanks so much, I hope that if find a good therapist if that is what you decide.  I do recommend it, I have had a lot of healing because of it.   x

Loannie,  thanks for the suggestion, I am planning to look for a specialist esp. since this T is planning to retire next year.   x