Question, what would you be doing?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What would you be doing right now if you were reunited with your exBPD partner?

I would be ... .asking questions for which I would get no response or lies or excuses and then feel bad and sick to my stomach the look around the room and really want to escape. My dignity would be shattered and I would lose hope and all the difficult work I've done would be for nothing.

And my family would disown me forever

My sponsor would stop helping me

My doctors would stop helping me

My friends would walk away

I would then again be all alone in a relationship all alone

Anything would be better than this awful existence

[JerryRG]

What would you be doing right now if you were reunited with your exBPD partner?

I would be ... .asking questions for which I would get no response or lies or excuses and then feel bad and sick to my stomach the look around the room and really want to escape. My dignity would be shattered and I would lose hope and all the difficult work I've done would be for nothing.

And my family would disown me forever

My sponsor would stop helping me

My doctors would stop helping me

My friends would walk away

I would then again be all alone in a relationship all alone

Anything would be better than this awful existence

[Yaryar87]

That is an interesting question.  Kinda makes you look back and be happy that we arnt going through that anymore.  I would be in a constant state of anxiety wondering when his next crazy moment would be.   I would be anxious because my family would be upset I'm with hi m.  Anxious because I know he talks to other women a God knows what else he was doing.  Anxious because one day he loved me and the next I was the worst human being in his eyes.  One little disaster meant being abandoned by him. Back and realize that my gut telling me to run was right.  Thank god he broke up with me because I did t have the courage to walk away.   I'm peaceful right now and I shouldn't have to live in a constant state of fear.  None of us should have to live that way.  Sadly we get addicted to drama and it's hard to come pjt, at least for me.  I'm glad it's over I'm glad I'm at peace.

[JerryRG]

I'm glad you found peace Yaryar87

Indeed we all deserve it and sometimes we need to fight to get it.

We must never let it go

[Ahoy]

I think this is a brilliant thread. Been a bit sad today, maybe I've been on here too much and I'm having an up/down day who knows?

Knowing what I know now, I would not be able to trust one word she says. Every time her phone went off I would feel anxious. She never raged but the mere fact of having her to kiss/cuddle again would most certainly NOT make up for the fact that I would know I'm not in a truly loving and healthy relationship.


Quickly makes you realise what we are really missing is the fantasy/daydream side of things.

This has been a very good reality check. Thank you.  

[JerryRG]

You're welcome Ahoy

I too realize how when my ex text me I jumped, that sound still haunts me, I'm lucky it's kind of and older ring tone but when I hear it I certainly am not recalling good memories.

I recall several occasions were I shook from head to toe not knowing what to expect from her text. Suicide attempt, lies, drama, accusations, blame, mind games, insanity, suspicion, drugs, injury, rape, I just knew in most cases it was negitive and unpleasant.

[WoundedBibi]

WOW what a question... .Ok, for argument's sake I'll imagine we got back together earlier today. Right now I would be worried if he would still feel the same about me tomorrow. I would be worried how on earth I would tell my friends (I probably would try to avoid it). I would be worried if I could trust anything he said. I would be worried if I would have to meet his FOO. Or his friends. I would be worried there would be endless flirting with others again. I would be worried a simple word would trigger him again, enter eggshells. I would be afraid of feeling his bottled up rage again, let out in tiny dosis in secret when nobody sees or hears. I would be afraid of him pulling me down again towards the darkness of his depression.

I would be afraid I would hear myself saying things again that aren't me, that I'm just saying in a state of panic or because I don't know anymore what the right answer is because what the right answer is changes every day. Basically of losing myself again.

I would be worried of loving someone and then having to wait around to see if they even throw you some crumbs of love that day or not, like some poor beggar.

Yes, constant state of worry and anxiety.

[Ahoy]

You're welcome Ahoy

I too realize how when my ex text me I jumped, that sound still haunts me, I'm lucky it's kind of and older ring tone but when I hear it I certainly am not recalling good memories.

I recall several occasions were I shook from head to toe not knowing what to expect from her text. Suicide attempt, lies, drama, accusations, blame, mind games, insanity, suspicion, drugs, injury, rape, I just knew in most cases it was negitive and unpleasant.

I guess I got off easy. My jumping at her phone is simply because of the betrayal and complete lack of trust she has facilitated. I will say tho, once trust is gone, what the heck do you have left in a relationship!

[JerryRG]

What a life huh?

I'm going to stay far far away from that crazy train

[HurtinNW]

What a great question! And my stomach clenched at the thought, which is illustrative.

Right now nothing I did today would be the same. I would have eaten different food because I was afraid of judgement. Though I am slender and very fit, he would judge what I ate. I would have rushed through more chores because I was worried about him getting mad about how my house looked, whether I had left lights on or crumbs on the counter. If we were going out I would be tense about his behavior. If we were staying in I would have been even more tense. No matter what was happening I would have been unbelievably tense all day for sure. My work and parenting probably would have suffered.

If he was recycling me I would be completely anxious about his mercurial moods and my own reactions. If he was in a breaking up and silent treatment mode I would be shattered. If he was raging then I would be a mess.

Kind of like a laundry cycle of sadness and trauma.

Great question, JerryRG.

[JQ]

Jerry,

Interesting question and just as interesting responses from the group ... .

The question ... ."What would you be doing right now if you were reunited with your exBPD partner?"

So I'll take some creative liberty and say we were reunited via a "a group / professional meeting/class reunion/funeral of a family or friend/etc. etc. etc."   Lets say she walked towards me with a smile on her face without my knowledge until the person I was engaging in a conversation with turned to see her & my head naturally followed. My eyes meeting hers, her smile, and she says, "Hello, how are you? It's good to see you, I've missed you."

Smiling I would look back into the glass of the drink i was having, set it down on the counter/table/ or hand it to the person that was in front of me. I would turn away from her without giving her a second look and walk away like a boss out of the room, the house, the venue I was in, outside to my car. I would get in, turn the music on and drive away without a second look back the entire way never looking at her again or saying a word to her   

She is mentally ill and she is beyond mine or any professional help. She is beyond knowing that her illness caused pain that would shake me to the core. Her mental illness never gave me a second thought, about how i felt, what I went through to get to the other side, the countless sleepless nights spent alone. I would not give her Narcissistic personality the satisfaction of opening up old wounds. I would show her that I was stronger then she ever imagined, that I had learned more about myself then she ever thought I could. I would show her me walking away from the chaos, the drama, the deceit.  I would show her that I was walking away from her pet flying monkey's, that the crazy train roller coaster has left and I wasn't on it. Her mental illness is NOT my problem anymore. She would never know how happy I had become and that I would rarely if ever think of her over the coming years.   

J

[FannyB]

Hi Jerry

I think it's more a case of 'what would I be feeling' rather than 'what would I be doing' -but here goes.

I would be realistic. I re-cycled once already, and told a friend we would last 3 months second time. We actually lasted 3 months and 2 days!   I would expect a third go to last for a month before we disintegrated - I think these relationships are a case of 'ever decreasing circles' with the borderline hyper-vigilant having already discovered you're not perfect!

I wouldn't enjoy idealization this time as I would know it's a by-product of a sick mind rather than something deep and meaningful. I would be easily agitated by any sign she was about to implode as I've been there before and annoyance would replace confusion as my dominant emotion.

I would emotionally distance myself as my own self-preservation mechanism would kick in. She would perceive imminent abandonment as I wouldn't be loved up and adoring, so she would likely dissociate as she couldn't adequately communicate her fears and resolve an issue like a fully functioning adult.

I would sit in the room with her watching TV - together in body, but not in mind, 2 incompatible people in a dysfunctional dance - each wondering who was going to crack first and dump the other. 

And after having the trigger pulled on me twice already, I'd probably chuck her first. To hell with her abandonment issues - I'd probably want my revenge this time!

Right bundle of laughs, isn't it? 


Fanny

[AndrewS]

I used to get anxious driving home from work because I never knew how to ask her to be even a tiny bit affectionate with me. I wanted any sort of connection n the relationship but knew if I asked it would make it worse and if I did nothing I hated it anyway. That used to crush me. So now I think I would be right back there.

[prisonmike]

What would you be doing right now if you were reunited with your exBPD partner?

Been there, done that, made that mistake.

A few years ago, before I knew anything about BPD, I got suspicious of her actions while she was on my laptop. She would always turn it away from me so i couldn't see it or she would close the browser window before I got to her and then I would see her looking at the wallpaper. Ask her what she's doing and she says nothing. So I got a program that spied on her activities while she was using the computer, check the logs later and long story short it looked like she was sending provocative pictures of herself to another guy. I called some movers and moved out while she was at work one day but eventually the excuses came. She told me they were pictures she had done so that she could make a calendar for me (seriously?... .i was so gullible) and that her oldest drug addict daughter must have sent them because she let her daughter in the house while i was out so that she could use the internet to find a job and use the shower. I said bullsh** but for some foolish reason I went back to her. I even apologized to my family for going back to her but for some reason I was all in on it. Things were ok for a little bit but then, as we all know, she went back to her deceptions and manipulations and fits of rage over the littlest issues and I found myself saying "why didn't I just stay gone". That's why the no contact is so important. She "h o o v e r e d" (why does this word change in the preview?) me right back in. I try to live my life without regrets but when it comes to her I am just full of regrets.

[MapleBob]

I would be thrilled at first and I'm sure it would be an amazing few weeks or months, but I think that it would slowly devolve again into me trying to guess what she actually wanted / walking on eggshells.