Is this worth it? I'm overwhelmed and miserable

[newfreedom]

Dear friends,

I 'm so grateful to have found all of you because I feel like I have new eyes, I'm seeing the past and foo in a way I have never seen them before.    I always knew there was abuse and craziness but I am having feelings and new insights for the first time.

But I have been REALLY angry and raw. 

I got up this morning and went to the gym.   I got there early so expected to find an available treadmill.    But there were none.    There is a time limit on the machines if there are people waiting.    But these folks were taking their time.   I glared at them and was so angry that I wanted to rip off their faces.    They were pretty young girls who I suddenly wanted to beat up.   I felt simultaneously angry because they were there and made me wait, and jealous because they had their youth and had their whole lives in front of them unlike me who was robbed of my youth by my ubpm...couldn't leave her, so never had a family.    I didn't say anything, only glared at them.  I was embarrassed by my behavior but did nothing to change it...was too angry and caught up in it.   Predictably,   I left the gym feeling lonely and miserable.

Then I came home and just returned  a phone call to my internist who left a msg. on my phone yesterday.   The secretary had no idea why I had received the msg.  To make a long story short,  I asked, could it be about my appt. next week?   He said he didn't know.    I said with a bit of impatience and rudeness, well please check because I live an hour's drive away so I don't want to drive out there and find that I don't have an appt. after all.   He said he would check.    I was on hold for 5 min.    When he came back he said that yes, the appt. had to be rescheduled...the dr. was going out of town.    I rudely asked when if I COULD come in.   He then asked if I would like to speak with someone else because he wasn't comfortable talking to me. 

His comment jerked me into reality and I changed my tone.     After we hung up, I suffered with guilt of being so rude and felt bad for probably ruining his day.  So I just phoned him back and apologized for being so rude.  I told him I was having a bad day but that was no excuse.  I told him I hoped I hadn't ruined his day and I thanked him for confronting me.     He couldn't thank me enough for the call.   His voice and energy was full of affection and forgiveness.   I was so happy to have had the presence of mind to do that.   His forgiveness helped me forgive myself so I felt new.

This process is very difficult because my anger and rage at mother and sibllings and sadness about my continued enmeshment is  making me feel miserable.   

I am taking these feelings out on others and it's making me hate myself.    I feel like a mess.    This is a very painful process.     I don't want to create messes and become my mother and sisters while going through this but that is what it feels like right now. 

Why am I having to suffer through what feels like my childhood/ early adulthood a second time in order to heal?

Can anyone relate?   

[Japanese Doll]

newfreedom,

I am sorry you are going through this.  But I would like to let you know we are here for you.




Japanese Doll

[Tivo8MyNeighbors]

Newfreedom, the raw feeling you're experiencing is so familiar, and I wanted to let you know you're not the only one to feel it.  It's an awful, intense period, but I swear it's worth it, and it's temporary.  For a gross analogy, it's like a burn victim who's had the damaged skin abraded; the damaged skin had to go so new healthy skin could replace it, but it takes time while the new skin grows in, and it's painful as all get out.  Take extra good care of yourself during this time, and don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.  We've all been there.  You're awesome for calling the receptionist back and apologizing to him, and that took amazing presence of mind.  You kept your parents' garbage from being passed along, and that's wonderful! 

*big hugs*  It gets better, so hang in there.

[joiesophie]

It does get better.  Now that you know more about your reaction, you can be more aware. 

Just by being able to look back at your day, you were able to figure out the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. 

It's not easy, but it's worth it.

And we're here. 

Are you working with a T?

js

[mint-cc]

Standing up for yourself is completely worth it!  It does take some time and even after it's been a few years, you may slip but you will get right back on your feet.  Nothing to beat yourself up about. 

I'm sorry you had such a bad day but I thought that was really outstanding that you called the guy back at the doctor's office  

Would having a journal help?  Or as someone else suggested, therapy? 

[BMama]

We're here for you.  Yes, it is hard, but to finally BE yourself, the journey is worth it.  

I, too, am proud of you for fessing up and apologizing.  Our BPD's make it seem like weakness to do such things, and never modeled such good behavior unless there was something in it for them.

But you've found, there's strength in honesty in feeling someone else's pain...and that we CAN be better people.  By doing this simply because it was the right thing, you were rewarded ten times over.

You are the person you want to be...you just have to remember that every hour of every day.

   &  x

[LionDreamer]

Hi newfreedom,  I really admire your courage to be so brutally honest with yourself and to own your own anger.   I can so relate.   For many years (well even now) I've used barometers like my mood to gauge how I am doing.   I know that when something new gets opened up, it will be a torrent of emotion, usually not of the pleasant kind.  Really we've spent our entire lives pushing those feelings away and keeping them from rising to the surface.  So when they do come up, they just aren't going to be coming out in small bits and in reasonable measures.   

You have every right to be feeling what you are feeling so go easy on yourself.  The good news is that when these feelings are so close to the surface, we have a new access to them, can look at them differently and can begin the healing process.     

I think it takes a particular lot of courage to look inward, esp when KNOWING what it is we will find. 

In spirit,

LD

[ihvhope]

    I'm feeling a lot like you. I've been working on myself for some time but finding this amazing web-sight as opened a whole new world of self discovery for me. It's been really, really good, but it's also been a huge flood of emotions. I know I need to feel these emotions and I need to recognize the pain I went through as a child to heal myself. I have flaws that I don't want that were given to me by my N/BPD mom and that's why I want to lear everything I can about BPD so I can have power over it.

Two days ago my son lost his folder for school and I totally overreacted. I blew up and went way too far yelling and screaming. I had so much anger I felt like someone had taken over my body. I just remember it felt like I was having an out of body experience and I didn't recognize myself. I haven't blown up like that in a long time. I think the anger came from all of the memories I've had these last few days. I am just really pissed at what my N/BPD mom did to me growing up. All of these emotions are right there and I feel very raw, so when my son lost his folder it just triggered my anger and there you go... I calmed right down and just held my son.  ? Later that night I picked up a book that I've been reading and guess what the chapter was about? Anger and how to deal with it. The book is really good: Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood & Build Trust Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.  Anyway... I really like this chapter on anger and how to deal with it. I plan on doing the steps the book suggests. I've already started and even got to try out the steps this morning when my son refused to get ready for school.

I know this is hard. You are a caring person and you deserve to be heard and  x. We didn't ask for disfunction, but here we are, and I understand that anger is a part of it. Hang in there. One day at a time.

[newfreedom]

Newfreedom, the raw feeling you're experiencing is so familiar, and I wanted to let you know you're not the only one to feel it. 

You kept your parents' garbage from being passed along, and that's wonderful! 

*big hugs*  It gets better, so hang in there.

Tivo,  Thanks for sharing my load, it felt a lot lighter after reading that I wasn't alone, even, though intellectually I know that these feelings aren't unique to me, it doesn't register that way in my heart unless I share about it and hear from others like you.

The stage of life that we share is a "Legacy" stage; that is, we recognize at some level we have less time in this world in front of us than we have behind us. We look "back," we "revisit"  all the important "stuff" in our lives. We examine and reframe our history in light of our experiences over a lifetime. We well remember when our skin was smooth, our hair thick and lustrous, our bodies that actually had a waistline-with no effort! It's seems to me this is very much a "taking stock" time. We've experienced indescribable joy-and pain. We continue to grieve our losses (such as being part of a BPD family) and learn from it. The ability to recognize when we've been demanding, hurtful, impatient to others and the insight TO CORRECT our transgressions is one of the benefits of this stage; we become self-corrective in a way we never were before. Your courage with your T you demonstrated yesterday speaks volumes not only to this relationship-but more importantly, to you and your insight, your ability to say, "Hey, wait a minute, I've got something that I NEED to say." I have no answer as to whether or not it's all worth it. But I'm willing to bet if you're asking the question, you've already got the answer for you. I think the bigger question is more along the lines of "OK, I've DONE all this. I've paid my dues (I think.) When does it (life) get easier, better, more manageable? When do I get a break?"  My best regards to you...but I'm not done learning

Dear

yes this life stage is definitely impacting me too, I appreciate your reminder.   The idea of having less time ahead than what I have lived makes me very anxious and REALLY angry for the loss of things that can never be.   I do I'll know that I 'll get to the other side though but this IS the path that leads there.   Also have to thank you again for your support with T.   My talk with her is what enabled me to not only call the sec. yesterday to make amends but to also THANK him for confronting me.   That was the most amazing peice.   By allowing others to confront me, I allow myself to confront others.   So yes, it is all worth it, isn't it?  I don't have to feel good to lead a good life. 

Hi newfreedom,  I really admire your courage to be so brutally honest with yourself and to own your own anger.   I can so relate.   For many years (well even now) I've used barometers like my mood to gauge how I am doing.   I know that when something new gets opened up, it will be a torrent of emotion, usually not of the pleasant kind.  Really we've spent our entire lives pushing those feelings away and keeping them from rising to the surface.  So when they do come up, they just aren't going to be coming out in small bits and in reasonable measures.   

You have every right to be feeling what you are feeling so go easy on yourself.  The good news is that when these feelings are so close to the surface, we have a new access to them, can look at them differently and can begin the healing process.     

I think it takes a particular lot of courage to look inward, esp when KNOWING what it is we will find. 

In spirit,

LD

Dear LD, thanks so much for your support.   I haven't been feeling courageous because I have been so anxious, but you are right, I have been taking action and looking inward despite the fear and that IS courage.   

   

Two days ago my son lost his folder for school and I totally overreacted. I blew up and went way too far yelling and screaming. I had so much anger I felt like someone had taken over my body. I just remember it felt like I was having an out of body experience and I didn't recognize myself. I haven't blown up like that in a long time. I think the anger came from all of the memories I've had these last few days. I am just really pissed at what my N/BPD mom did to me growing up. All of these emotions are right there and I feel very raw, so when my son lost his folder it just triggered my anger and there you go... I calmed right down and just held my son.  ? Later that night I picked up a book that I've been reading and guess what the chapter was about? Anger and how to deal with it. The book is really good: Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood & Build Trust Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.  Anyway... I really like this chapter on anger and how to deal with it.

Dear ihvhope,   I'm so sorry for what happened to you.   And look how it has taught you how you want to be a mom.   I have NO memory of mother ever holding me after losing it with me.   She had no capacity for admitting she made mistakes.   It was always the fault of anyone but her.   What a gift you are to your son.   And thanks for the book reference, I'll definitely check it out. x

We're here for you. 

BMama,  I cried when I read these four words.  Mother never once uttered them. x

Dear Japanese Doll,  mint and jois, Thanks a million for your kindness, yes I do have a T who has been really helpful too.   x

[joiesophie]

 

The smiley guy says 'hi'.  I always can depend on him when I'm lost for words.

js

[mymomwasubpd]

As I am reading these posts, tears are streaming down my face.  Thousand's of $'s spent in therapy (most of which was positive) never filled the missing link that this board is filling for me...the knowledge that there are souls in this world that understand how hard it is for survivors of a BPD parent to overcome the abusive legacy foisted upon them.  As a little girl we used to sing as song called, I Am a Child of God.  I would often wonder why my Mom was not "kind and dear".  To this day, when I hear this song or play it on the piano at church, I still wonder why?   I used to think that I was alone in this feeling and now I know that I am not.  Thank you to everyone who post.  This is the missing piece to the puzzle I have been trying to solve for myself.

[random]

I know what you mean. This board has been a major source of therapy for me and for a lot of folks, it seems.

[BMama]

   

to that.

I couldn't agree more.  I feel like when I finally get in to talk to someone, they are gonna tell me I almost don't need them;-)

[joiesophie]

BMama,

I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET! 

Without my T, I wouldn't have found you all...

js  x

[Druyan33]

 x

It's so hard to feel like these intense states will not last forever. I sometimes have to force myself to think "this too shall pass..." You have a right to feel angry and hurt. Finding healthy outlets for your anger will make things so much easier on you. When I start feeling the anger I acknowledge that it's there, realize WHY it's there, allow myself to really feel it (not trying to fight it) and then it starts to subside  - I let it pass through me and out. Take a few deep breaths then I'm a lot better...     Find what works for you.

That was so good of you to call and apologize...that shows so much strength of character.   

[BMama]

Oh, I'm gonna take it, JS.

Druyan is right...I get down even for a couple of days, then it passes.  It gets easier with time. 

[newfreedom]

As I am reading these posts, tears are streaming down my face.  Thousand's of $'s spent in therapy (most of which was positive) never filled the missing link that this board is filling for me...the knowledge that there are souls in this world that understand how hard it is for survivors of a BPD parent to overcome the abusive legacy foisted upon them.  As a little girl we used to sing as song called, I Am a Child of God.  I would often wonder why my Mom was not "kind and dear".  To this day, when I hear this song or play it on the piano at church, I still wonder why?   I used to think that I was alone in this feeling and now I know that I am not.  Thank you to everyone who post.  This is the missing piece to the puzzle I have been trying to solve for myself.

Mymomwas,

I wished I had said that!  You said so beautifully what is in my heart.

And to Druyan, Bmama, joies, and random  x  x  x  x