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Author Topic: Anyone every contemplate warning the BPD's next victim?  (Read 7806 times)
VanessaG
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« on: February 25, 2010, 11:17:58 AM »

I tend to ruminate on the xBPDp while I'm driving.  Too much idle time, for sure, and I had a 7.5 work trip yesterday.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I could print one of the BPD articles from the website, thinking specifically of the one about love relationships with a BPD and send it to my ex's newest squeeze or current victim.

Of course I also ruminated about my motivations.

Am I trying to rescue her?  Am I trying to punish the ex?  Am I just dying to be RIGHT and having someone else acknowledge it?  Is this good will?  Or is it just a way of staying somehow hooked in and involved?

It is something I could and would do absolutely anonymously.  I have her name and work address and could simply send it with no return address from a random post office with a post-it saying "FYI."  There are enough people, even within his own family, who know he is unstable that I don't think anyone would think it was me.  (I don't even think the new woman knows about me.)

Anyone done it?  Thought about it?

I don't think I'll do it, but it got me thinking about whether anyone else here had.

VanessaG
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atwittsend
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2010, 11:20:11 AM »

this has been asked quite a few times.  the general consensus seems to be... .would you have listened to a warning?  most of us say we wouldnt have.  so it seems we would be regarded as jealous or bitter and therefore ignored. 
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anker
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2010, 11:22:44 AM »

I know that I was fully convinced by my BPDx that his ex was psychotic and had cheated on him and lied... .that she wanted him and was crazy... .

So I wouldn't have believed a word of it. His BPD diagnosis saved me a lot of agony and wondering who was the crazy one... .but if I'd been warned I wouldn't have listened.

And I know that he has convinced her of the same about me so I wouldn't warn her. It wouldn't do any good... .just validate his claims that I'm messed up.

Ya dig?
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VanessaG
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2010, 11:26:17 AM »

Damn, I think I would have listened, certainly after the honeymoon phase was over.  

Like I said, I don't think I'll do it, but trust me when I say that there are a number of people (none of the others having a jealousy motivation for sending it) who would likely be considered the sender, and not me.

The other thing, strangely, is that the new squeeze is in the mental health field, although in an entirely different area of dysfunction, alcoholism.  Well, and  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) he is also an alcoholic.   (I was thinking that getting an article about mental health at the office therefore wouldn't be all that bizarre.)

Well, thinking as I type here, perhaps it is safe to say that she has a healthy case of denial and wouldn't want to know.

But interesting to hear that it has been discussed before and that the veterans say "nah, don't bother."
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committed
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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2010, 11:37:18 AM »

I don't think it would have done any good in my case. I'm one of those people who has to decide those things on my own, not know the dynamics of my BF's past relationships with others.

Not trying to hijack the thread, but another question along the same lines... .Have any of you been in contact with you partner's ex and did they tell you they went through the same thing you are going through? I've been tempted to contact one of my BF's ex just to see what happened in their relationship, but am scared it would get back to him.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2010, 11:41:46 AM »

It may not matter for the sake of this discussion, but I don't think the new victim knows I existed.

You see, BPDp and I were both married.  We had an emotional affair.  He was looking, I am sure now, for an exit affair.  Me, I am another case, because I am married to a guy with a different PD, and was in an extremely vulnerable spot.  Not so vulnerable that I didn't figure out the BPDp was not the answer to my problems, or a reason to get a divorce, and I did start to detach, and that was when he found an old flame on Facebook (damned FB!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and had met with her within two days of meeting with me for the last time.

She was his ticket out of his marriage.  He separated almost immediately after having her hooked.  I am pretty darned sure he didn't tell her about me, at least not about the extent to which we were involved.  (I mean, do you tell someone you're a serial philanderer?)  My guess is that in the thick of his divorce, he was busy painting his stbxW black.  Oh yeah, and the new victim was ALSO married, is also divorcing.  They moved in with each other almost immediately.

I see what pain I was in and how I was taken in and wonder if she was/is in a similar boat.

I dunno, maybe it's a match made in heaven.  Maybe she'd have already seen it if she wanted to see it.

Not my job to save the world.  Not my problem, right?

Just ruminating, I guess.

VanessaG
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atwittsend
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« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2010, 11:43:46 AM »

that has been discussed as well committed.  the consensus there seems to be the exes had the same experience and it makes the non asking feel validated. 

me personally I have spoken with two of my exes exes.  one of them wanted her back but didnt bad mouth her.  the other one said she was the devil and I needed to get away
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VanessaG
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« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2010, 11:44:22 AM »

I am absolutely CONFIDENT that my BPD's ex-wife suffered the jealousy and the controlling and the rages and the clinginess.

No question in my mind, both from things I witnessed and heard, and things which I can now put together in retrospect.

I think him leaving was probably the best thing that has ever happened to her.

I know she knows he's an alcoholic;  I don't think she knows about BPD.  He's undiagnosed, refuses to seek help, although I begged him to at one point.

I figure she doesn't need warned, for the record.  She's rid of him.
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« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2010, 11:50:59 AM »

I am not sure i would have listened , then. Now, I would look into it, aftert having researched this stuff.

But, I do think it would have been helpful to me to hear from an ex after i was entrencehed. It may have helped me see what I was dealing with. I think I would have been open to hearing about her disorder after a sufficient amount of abuse had occurred.

In both my marriages, both where my XW's serially cheated, I was approached by their family members who were witnessing the abuse and cheating. I was advised to get out and that they had done this type of thing before. I was told their problems were longstanding and had nothing to do with anything I was doing wrong.

I was really fortunate to have had that type of support, as it quelled a fair amout of the self doubt.
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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2010, 11:53:21 AM »

I'm with the consensus here.

As he so often does, AWE has summed up everything quite concisely and with 100% accuracy. 

One of the most important lessons in life I ever learned is that one should never try to disclose/explain/discuss something to/with someone who won't have the slightest idea of what you're talking about.  Although you have offered the option of a an anonymous letter, at best it would be a waste of time.  And at worst, they could guess you might have been the source and this might trigger a smear campaign, or aggravate an existing one.

Spend your energy on taking care of yourself (a concept which, to this day, I'm STILL not sure I fully grasp, but it DOES sound good  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ).  I used to say that one knows s/he is healed when s/he no longer cares at all about the ex.

I've come to revise that.  I still care about the fate of my ex and her son (which does, unfortunately, leave me somewhat vulnerable) but the significant difference is that I no longer feel any sense of connection to her.  The elimination of that sense eliminates the possibility of FOG.  And that is a crucial difference.
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« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2010, 11:55:25 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  love ya love your show guys!
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« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2010, 11:56:14 AM »

I did actually.  Wrote a very tactful, kind, "short and sweet" email.  Not getting into her business or letting her into mine... and I didn't ever say BPD.  I did this because she has a child.  Somehow that really bothered me that a child would be subjected to this disorder, and from another country to boot.  I can hear the fights now... ."You don't treat me right and I'll have you deported!"  I know him, it's bound to happen.  He's such a mean, spoiled, obnoxious, BPD/NPD 50-something brat.  But can be charming and seductive as all get out... .then bam!

Anyway I wrote this short email before I even knew they actually hooked up.  I just knew of her... .it was a polite warning with no accusations.  She never responded, now they're engaged, madly in love and making googly eyes at each other.  She's a rebound, just out of a bad marriage herself and my ex is a nut.  What are the odds?  

I don't regret it, I said nothing inappropriate, and even mentioned in the email if one of his ex's had told me, I might not have taken it to heart... .It's hard to during the seductive honeymoon phase, and even in the clingy/needy phase... .though during and after the hater/jealous/controlling phase, yes I wished they had warned me.  Because of the kid... .I felt it was the right thing to do.  He's painted me black, she believes it, whatever.  I did it, I'm done, it's up to her.  I'm out of it.
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« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2010, 12:00:21 PM »

My H contacted his BPDex's boyfriend when they were about to buy a house together to warn him.    (We had met him a couple of times and he and his kids were very nice).  

He at the time agreed that she had difficulty telling the truth, was always angry and something was off. I think he realized my H wasn't the monster she had potrayed him to be. They briefly broke up over it but got back together for another 6 or 7 months then broke up for good.  


Now she (of course) has a new victim who's also about to move in. But this time he's not going to say a word.  He told me, "I can't save them all".  
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VanessaG
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« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2010, 12:07:30 PM »

Thank you, everyone.

I will keep my postage and not do it.  Whoever said there was a chance it COULD get connected to me was right.  And I cannot afford that exposure.

Excerpt
Spend your energy on taking care of yourself (a concept which, to this day, I'm STILL not sure I fully grasp, but it DOES sound good   ).  I used to say that one knows s/he is healed when s/he no longer cares at all about the ex.

Oh, I am soo looking forward to that day!   Being cool (click to insert in post)

And yes, indeedy, doing the homework on myself too.  Including WHY I would spend a good chunk of yesterday's drive wasting my time thinking about HIM.   
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NewStart
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« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2010, 12:32:44 PM »

VanessaG - I think we all have felt that urge but I think you shine a light on something in your post... .yes maybe all the motives you mention are true and were for me as well but I really identified with "Am I just dying to be RIGHT and have someone else acknowlege it"... .

I saw uBPDexgf with new host organism last night and got that terrible gnawing again... .what if this one works out... .yeah I want to be RIGHT more than anyone can understand, and want others to see it too... .

Be strong and put that idea to rest and trust that time will give us all the answers to those gnawing questions... .
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VanessaG
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« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2010, 12:41:41 PM »

Excerpt
I saw uBPDexgf with new host organism last night and got that terrible gnawing again... .what if this one works out... .yeah I want to be RIGHT more than anyone can understand, and want others to see it too... .

NewStart, oh yeah, I am introspective enough to know that much about me.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   A profound need to be right.     I also think it's one of the reasons this thing gnaws at me so.  It was left with so very little closure.  No parting of ways with any mutual understanding.  Him, crazy, me thinking I'm crazy, me wondering why I'm grieving an emotionally abusive relationship, and the inability to make sense of what was real, what wasn't, how it happened to me, how farked up the rest of his existence will be -- all of it.  I cannot put this jigsaw puzzle together, and I am a solver of problems by nature.  I like the edges all neat and the corners square and everything UNDERSTOOD.

I had a rather rocky childhood, but for some reason, I've managed to sort it all out, and analyze in almost a detached way.  Some painful stuff, but I can look at it as though I'm an outsider.  This, not so much.

I read the Staying board one day (which I can tell you I find rather depressing -- I find myself wanting to scream "Run, run away!" and I pondered, hmmmm, maybe the new girlfriend CAN do all of this stuff.  Maybe she is and he's thriving and they really are happy.

Do I believe it?  No, not really. 

But it gives my overactive brain something to chew on. 

I have good days and bad days with detaching from it.  The last two or three, with all the driving, not so good.

VanessaG
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NewStart
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« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2010, 01:00:31 PM »

VanessaG - Wow, couldn't have said it better myself... .I'm on a pretty similar plain as you right now... .
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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2010, 01:02:24 PM »

I would not have listened, not because i would have thought the ex was not telling the truth, but because i guess i think different people bring out different things in people.  I would have just thought they didn't get on as a couple and the ex is being a little bitter, i would not have thought in a million years that the ex was trying to warn me for my benefit.

I spoke to my ex's ex and she said "i don't think he is ready for any type of relationship, he can't handle the normal ups and downs of relationships, takes everything very directly and personally and ultimately blames the other person.  I guess he called me a weirdo to you"  This was without me saying a single word about what he was putting me through or how i felt about him... .all from her own back catalogue.

Just know that no matter who they are with, they will find out everything on their own and more than likely, the relationship will fail sooner thasn you can say BPD.
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kly
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« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2010, 01:52:07 PM »

I say "it depends."

His sister cautioned me to move slowly with him, but she did not say, "He has a history of unstable relationships, he's left a trail of heartbroken children, he's a serial philanderer... ."  If she had, I would have taken the red flags much more seriously and would have run.

When the final bushel of straws hit--I discovered an entire alternate life he'd been leading, and found that he'd had a thing with another gal simultaneously with me--I dumped him. THEN his sister revealed his history.   

Try not to be too hard on yourself for having nagging thoughts of your BPex.  I ended up here because I wanted to understand my own failings, WHY I'd gotten involved with him in the first place, and WHY I ignored the red flags.  I think contemplation is necessary to process the trauma, learn from the relationship and grow.

As for "How" or "Whether" -- the "other gal" with whom BP was involved knew about me from the beginning and proceeded to stake a claim to him.  Obviously, anyone who feels a need to compete for a man's affections can't be warned.  But, I did contact a gal who'd posted to his social networking site and let her know--without too many specifics--that he was engaging in risky sexual behavior with multiple partners.  She was very sweet and thanked me.  If I knew of an unsuspecting mom, I'd anonymously warn her, as he targets women with young children and he has a violent side.  (Having said that, I'm not looking to be involved in his life in any way--and carefully avoid ANY contact in ANY form.)
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NoWonder

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« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2010, 01:55:24 PM »

   My friend knew 2 of the guys my ex dated... .he said "She's a bit crazy."  I also heard stories from other people... .I didn't listen .  Of course I didn't know what BPD was and jumped right in. After I broke up with her my friend said " man, I wanted to tell you to run like hell  , but figured you were a grown man and can make your own decisions ."

              I won't say anything to the next one ... .

                                  take care.
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« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2010, 04:02:55 PM »

Back in the honeymoon phase, my ex told me that her previous ex had physically shaken her, and screamed "what the hell is wrong with you?"  I thought it was because he was the controlling, abusive hit_ she had described him to be.  I hated him for it.  How dare he take her for granted?  How dare he not realize how wonderful she is?

Fast-forward things a year, and I could relate with the guy 100%. 

Generally speaking, warnings will do no good, as no one will believe them.  A new victim truly believes that he or she just found their soulmate.  They think anyone who can't see that is either blind or jealous.   
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« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2010, 04:45:04 PM »

I got warned by the sister of the ex with whom my unBPDexbf has kids and they where togheter a long time ago. I heard som stories from my ex about the relationship, about his ex and about her family. He told me that the ex had gotten a pshycosis Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  ... and that her family did blame him for it Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  but that he had understood over the years that he was a guy that was beeing too nice and that he had learnt that when someone is saiyng bad things about you they were talking about themselves... I don´t remember exactly how he put it but that was like the mening of it, and Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and   . I don´t remember how much he had said at the time the sister warned me but we had only been together for like a month, a month and a half. She said to me that he was a strange person, that everything would be fine in the beginning with all the kisses and "love you" but then... .And she told me to "trust my gutfeeling"... .And then she didn´t want to say anything more about it dispite that I asked. The thing is that I, like so many of us, saw a lot of red flags, I saw them already from week one and I ended it after that week, but he had already gotten under my skin a bit, and I wanted to at least give it a try and see how it would evolve (and here I am!  ;p ). Anyway, it was after we started dating again that I got warned by her. I was with my ex for one year before I ended it with him, for good. I never threw away all thoose red flags, I kept them while I also got more and more attached to him, but it was as I always had one little part of me outside the relationship (even if it was only a fingertip from time to time), and I think that that helped me to get out in the end and to not go back when I finally had ended it. I never told my bf what the ex´s sister had said, not until the bitter end at the time when I was deciding what to do and we had serious talks. His response was that she had never liked him, that she was intriguing, and that he was surprised that she was still trying to do things like this. Well, what I wanted to say was that the things that she said to me, even if it didn´t make me end it then and there, was one of the things that I carried with me and that did help thinking about when deciding what to do and to stay out afterwards. But I wouldn´t recomend anyone to warn the new victims, they will find out in time and we need to think about ourselves here to not stay attached and to stay out, it´s a bit too risky with the warning thing I think. But I really would love to make big warningposters with his picture on them and the thruth underneath and put them up all over town!
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Fathom
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« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2010, 04:53:42 PM »

Ha, being that the next victim was going to be the man she had been having an EA/PA with for the past 9 months... .ahhh... .no.
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« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2010, 05:23:40 PM »

Ha, being that the next victim was going to be the man she had been having an EA/PA with for the past 9 months... .ahhh... .no.

What is an EA/PA?

(racking my little brain)
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« Reply #24 on: February 25, 2010, 05:27:02 PM »

Geez... .this is something that has been on my mind for a while.

My exBPDbf quickly moved on to a single mother of two boys. I was still in contact with him only up to a couple of days ago and the way he was already treating her was unbelievable. I went to his place last week to collect the last couple of my things from his place and the new girlfriend rang. I found out that he had lied to her about his where abouts - he made out he was at work and while he was on the phone was making sexual gestures towards me. I know as a fact the he has already cheated on her and he disclosed to me that he doesn't love her she is "someone handy to have cause she lives close to my work. She gives me a roof over my head and a free feed" i was horrified with his way of thinking what love is. After discussing the thought of warning his new girl with my girlfriend i just decided that she needs to learn on her own besides what is he telling her about me? I might be the crazy ex girlfriend according to him. I say just let it be. There true colours come out in time. I know as sad as it is that my exBPDbf will end up a lonely old man but I can't afford to care anymore I tried to help as much as I could and I ended up sick... .

So I say just let it be. Don't do it. Worry bout yourself, your health, your life and get yourself back on the right track.  

Sending you love and support x

Butterfly

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kly
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« Reply #25 on: February 26, 2010, 02:42:57 AM »

Perhaps the gal I warned from the social networking site thought me credible as he'd left photos of me posted all over the site--one of which showed the date; coincidentally the same day he'd contacted her!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 

DOH!

I think Stargirl makes a good point.  Even if the new victim doesn't act on the advice immediately--it helps to raise awareness of red flags that pop up later.  I was not a dewy, young naif when I met the BP, but as I'm open to people who are quirky and pretty forgiving of oddities, a lot of BP things didn't compute as Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  for me.  I wrote them off as idiosyncracies or related to his ADHD.

There was another time, I was dating a guy who was new in town.  My girlfriend, whose husband happened to work with him, pointedly (but in a casual way) mentioned that he'd been sharing pictures of a female "friend" at work--and they weren't pics of me!  Apparently, other people knew, but she was the only one to tell me. I dumped him immediately--he ended up moving back home and marrying his friend (too bad for her.)  But, it would have been nice to have received some sort of warning earlier.

I'd be willing to bet that a lot of BPs have left a paper trail or cyber trail that would speak volumes about the BP if someone were to just happen to find out about them.  I'm not giving advice, I'm just saying... .
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« Reply #26 on: February 26, 2010, 05:30:41 AM »

I really get annoyed with my BPDs ex and to some extent family, I always feel I wasn't properly warned but then, I was so smitten, there is not much I would have listened to. Im pretty sure the next beau will feel the same way, the honeymoon period is intoxicating, there would be little I could say to him/her that didn't come off looking jerky, especially as I'll already be painted black and if it's anywhere close to the degree she painted her ex black to me, he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice.

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« Reply #27 on: February 26, 2010, 09:50:52 AM »

When my ex was speaking to me last week, i asked him if his new gf was aware of him speaking with me again.  He replied "Yes, we tell each other everything and she didn't say a bad word about you and neither did i" Now if any other person said this to me, i would have replied "and why would she, she neithers knows me or has any reason to say anything bad about me... and neither do you"  However, my innate reaction was replaced with one of something i can only describe as a "nothing response" My logical mind instantly stopped me reacting to something that is actually quite an odd thing to say to someone.  I'm assuming it's due to me accepting he is mentally ill and has his own version of events, he's so sure he has convinced me enough to think they actually occurred, that saying things like this to me is justified and normal.

So, my point is, when he told me about his ex's when we first met, my reaction was also to say nothing bad about them and on one hand i thought, they must be crazy girls he has dated.  On the other hand, it did cross my mind that if he was willing to say all of these things about his ex's, what might he say about me if it does not work out.  Then i pushed it aside and thought nothing of it, because he was 100% wooing me and any negative thoughts i had were quickly shrouded over with gifts and cuddles and beautiful words from him.  No matter what you say to the newbie, they will make their own assumptions about you and if it is bad, they will soon change their opinion over time, if they have half a brain.
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NewStart
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« Reply #28 on: February 26, 2010, 10:40:32 AM »

Sorry turtlesoup but I lmao with the 'he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice' comment... .and the only reason I'm laughing is that I can totally relate as I wanted to slap a few of my BPDex's exs after she painted them to me too! 

Funny thing is now I see these dudes and I wonder who they REALLY are!
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #29 on: February 26, 2010, 11:03:13 AM »

I was warned by my stbx wife.  The BPD's ex husband of 10 years told her, it will only last 6-8 months and she'll move on.  He said something to the "effect 10 years 10 guys".  He has been with the same woman since they divorced. 

My BPDex even told me she can't keep a relationship going.  She told me her son once said "Mommy, how come no one ever stays with us?"   

I didn't listen. I thought, I'm different, I'm a great guy, she needs me.
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« Reply #30 on: February 26, 2010, 11:22:43 AM »

Sorry turtlesoup but I lmao with the 'he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice' comment... .and the only reason I'm laughing is that I can totally relate as I wanted to slap a few of my BPDex's exs after she painted them to me too! 

Funny thing is now I see these dudes and I wonder who they REALLY are!

Serious! There was this one ex, the one whose foot she broke, well I knew of this person before anyway and never really like them, BUT, despite this, and the painting black, I would now give this poor guy a medal if I ever met him. I only had nutbag for 2 years, he had her for 4, what was once my real dislike of him has turned into sympathy and empathy. Poor bloke, he only finally got over this and now has a new partner, one of the re-engages my ex sent to him was "oh i hear you have a new girlfirend, apparently she is ugly but better for you than me". He moved continents and she still jibes at him.

What a moose.
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« Reply #31 on: February 26, 2010, 05:07:20 PM »

You could have a second career warning the new targets. Depending on the age of your ex, that could mean 30 to 40 people.

Hopefully, after the first, you'll see that the impulse to "warn" anyone is really our own subconscious mind trying to warn your conscious mind.  It's sort of a post traumatic stress that's re-lived for the purpose of shedding it off and healing.  To make sense of it, the subconscious mind repeats the experience over and over again. We react in a particular way to a particular situation depending upon whats in our subconscious mind.  When we've been damaged or had trauma in our relationships- we become aware of the bad feelings. The bad feelings are raised to our conscious mind- and our conscious mind forms our character.

So as a response to the bad, awful, horrible things we've suffered- we make ourselves good, our character good- and the BPD partner bad. And when we see the next target- we make them good too.  We project our image onto the next target to feel a sense of good about ourselves, a sense of kinship and shared suffering.

But the reality is that not every new target is good and not every BPD partner is evil. There's a whole lot of gray out there. Some people are acting quite badly, and they may deserve everything that's coming to them, but hopefully it's along the lines of a lesson learned and because of two people, not three.

Let them have the same journey to hell and back that they will survive so that they will come out a better person.  If you block this process- they wont have had that chance. Most of us on this journey needed a wake-up call.

In time, you'll let go of the compulsion to warn and realize the new target/relationship is on their own path to destruction, meltdown, and despair and deserves privacy. If they choose to contact you after the break-up- it is your decision to get involved and offer your confidence- but never before.

In time, you'll want him so far out of your life that you may even deny ever having anything to do with him.

When you see the past victims on the trail of tears- acceptance kicks in-that you weren't the first traumatized person. Stop, take a look back and see who the victim was before you. What do you think about them? You've probably been led to believe that they were/are bad, not good like you. That's because the BPDex wanted you to think that way. And that's how you are now being distorted to the new target. After all, the new target thinks of herself as good and the ex as bad-just like you did. 

If you're going to talk to anyone, talk to the former victim that you perceived as bad.  If you do, you'll soon realize that they were actually people who tried in whatever way they could to love. Realize that we were all a part of a crazy-making factory- just a necessary human beings split into good/bad for the BPD process- and what you get back when you get spit out of the machine is your own life, a new mirror to see yourself through and a new start.

(Hope the good/bad makes sense.) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2010, 05:22:02 PM »

It makes total sense. I was told the ex was terrible but putting it all together of course they were not. I wouldn't contact the ex though, he still gets re-engaged, he has moved on, got a new gf, got a new life and I would hate to stir up in him what has been stirred up in me. However, should the next love come to me, I like to think I could give them the advice they need, but as per my last post, things would have to have gone pretty bad and they will have to realised that Im not the villain of the piece. As soon as they know that much, one foot is out the door anyway either by choice or slung out by the BPDer. They dont like it when they know you're onto em.
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« Reply #33 on: February 26, 2010, 05:40:44 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 
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« Reply #34 on: February 26, 2010, 05:46:05 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 

One. He was onto her pretty quick and thinks that she needs help (as we all do) but really pushed for it and was involved in her sectioning. What this meant was he was painted Jet Black but hasn't actually seen her rages like I have, they had the honeymoon, she started acting strange, he had her pegged very early on and tried to "help", I dont think he realises exactly what her problem is and he probably thinks he can help her.
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« Reply #35 on: February 26, 2010, 05:57:32 PM »

ts - mine was high functioning and she was/is a licensed and practicing counselor too so she would diagnose you and before you knew it you were 'in need of help' so I can see why some of these guys never saw it!  She had a diagnosis for all of her ex's it was nuts.  From he NPD ex-husband, to her abusive ex, to her ex that had anger management issues, to me who had ADD?  For me it wasn't till after the relationship when I went to a T to figure out what happened that he clued me in to what REALLY happened, BPD... .

So guys that were painted black were the ones who had her figured out and the hang around guys, well it's sad but I think they bought her diagnosis and felt like it was their fault etc.   

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« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2010, 06:05:48 PM »

It makes perfect sense for high functioning BPD to go into a profession like that.

And yes, that makes it seem all the more orchestrated. Mine was in law before they kicked her out for some very bonkers behaviour. I have a feeling mine has BPD coupled with something that also produces mania, could be bipolar. Double whammy!

Unless any of you have seen your exBPDers talk to the walls for hours or end, strip off naked in public, hallucinate? I don't know if thats part of BPD but I haven't read it here, but the more the weeks pass by, the less I really care what her diagnosis is.

It seems the case, as soon as you come close to finding out what the issue is or are looking likely to leave you simply go black. On another level, I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook, perhaps this is true of other mental illness' its just that Im not that well informed.
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« Reply #37 on: February 26, 2010, 07:13:09 PM »

Excerpt
I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook

You're right. The cluster groupings are a way to determine how people use others to their detriment.  On one end of the scale are the torturers and on the other end is /are the tortured.  Mental health depends on our willingness to see where we are on the scale.  I do believe that I suffered so I could see the symbiotic for what it was- a recreation of childhood dynamic. That woke me up -I was my own worst enemy for coming back for more and trying to make things right.

Seeing others also go through this made me realize that I wasn't alone.
Excerpt
Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?

Oh yes, I uncovered one victim that has been pushed/pulled for nearly 35 years *and* she was a clinical psychologist.  She was in the background for his first marriage as well. I discovered that she had moved across the country twice for him even after he was so psychologically abusive. I do believe she is hooked. The knowledge of that set me scared straight and I didn't want to be like her.

I must remind anyone who is in a relationship with a cluster B personality, that people are the most useful objects to them. You could be married to them and they may still be having a long distance romance with objects from the past.  The disorder is known for it: push/pull- use people to stop feelings of abandonment- get them in your back pocket-feel overwhelmed and engulfed- push away- punish. Repeat as necessary.

Success is improbable.

Seeing a person who cannot get away does not mean that their love is greater- it just means they are trauma bonded and cant break away. Usually this happens when one person uses another for a substitute parent to re-work a childhood pain.

If you dont get away clean- your emails, letter, texts, etc. will be read by the next target. In effect, you will become just like a person that hasn't moved on. Remember that the next time you want to break contact. If you break contact, you will be recycled- not always on your schedule-not now- but maybe in six months, one year, a decade- but always when you least expect it. -And always when you have just about recovered from the trauma.
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« Reply #38 on: February 26, 2010, 07:27:58 PM »

I HAVE done it, though my situation is a little different from others. I was dealing with a BP in a work/friendship context (the full story is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104781.0). Since that business relationship has ended, he has occasionally approached my connections to try to hustle free work out of them. That's his specialty -- getting people to work for "experience" or product. I've told these people that I don't agree with working for free, would never ask them to do so personally and that they should never think anyone who asks that of them is doing so with my approval. Sometimes I've just stated that generally and let them draw their own conclusions. One time I had to say it very specifically. In a work situation, it seems people often listen to the warning. Especially those who thought they were doing ME some kind of favor by working with him.

Just from my personal experience, I do agree with KLY who says "Even if the new victim doesn't act on the advice immediately--it helps to raise awareness of red flags that pop up later. " My BP once introduced me to a woman who used to work with him who said in front of him "X is not a good friend." He agreed! She then asked him, "If you have self-awareness, why don't you change?" He couldn't answer of course. Even though I didn't have the good sense to cut my ties to him after that and prevent a lot of suffering, I ALWAYS remembered what she said and it helped me keep my sanity. I knew I wasn't the only one who had a bad time with him. I got in touch with her after I ended the business relationship and thanked her!
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« Reply #39 on: February 26, 2010, 07:48:26 PM »

Excerpt
am absolutely CONFIDENT that my BPD's ex-wife suffered the jealousy and the controlling and the rages and the clinginess.

I am reading a book titled "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men". One of the chapters discusses the reactions of women who are emotionally abused by very controlling men who are not prone to physical violence but gas lighting. Often times the women will act out in the very behaviors posted by your quote. These behaviors are soothing to the controllers ego, he got one over on her and can play victim to her behavior.

I was not warned by anyone about my ex-but had I LISTENED to the family stories about the ex-wife I might have gleaned insight about WHY she acted like she did. I am tempted at times to send this book to the future victims but then I would be still acting out due to his behavior.

I have to let it go. His latest victim dumped him in a few weeks, I suspect she saw him more frequently and got a clue as she worked with him.

As to the rest we are in no contact so I will never know who he is seeing and have no care to know.
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« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2010, 10:10:10 PM »

Yes, I thought about warning her new victim but then took a step back and realized that I would not warn Smokey... .I don't like Smokey. Why should I give ole Smokes a warning. I would rather see that fat head deflate after my ex gets done with this one. Well, take care and have a good evening,
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« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2010, 10:27:02 PM »

Excerpt
I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook

You're right. The cluster groupings are a way to determine how people use others to their detriment.  On one end of the scale are the torturers and on the other end is /are the tortured.  Mental health depends on our willingness to see where we are on the scale.  I do believe that I suffered so I could see the symbiotic for what it was- a recreation of childhood dynamic. That woke me up -I was my own worst enemy for coming back for more and trying to make things right.

Seeing others also go through this made me realize that I wasn't alone.
Excerpt
Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?

Oh yes, I uncovered one victim that has been pushed/pulled for nearly 35 years *and* she was a clinical psychologist.  She was in the background for his first marriage as well. I discovered that she had moved across the country twice for him even after he was so psychologically abusive. I do believe she is hooked. The knowledge of that set me scared straight and I didn't want to be like her.

I must remind anyone who is in a relationship with a cluster B personality, that people are the most useful objects to them. You could be married to them and they may still be having a long distance romance with objects from the past.  The disorder is known for it: push/pull- use people to stop feelings of abandonment- get them in your back pocket-feel overwhelmed and engulfed- push away- punish. Repeat as necessary.

Success is improbable.

Seeing a person who cannot get away does not mean that their love is greater- it just means they are trauma bonded and cant break away. Usually this happens when one person uses another for a substitute parent to re-work a childhood pain.

If you dont get away clean- your emails, letter, texts, etc. will be read by the next target. In effect, you will become just like a person that hasn't moved on. Remember that the next time you want to break contact. If you break contact, you will be recycled- not always on your schedule-not now- but maybe in six months, one year, a decade- but always when you least expect it. -And always when you have just about recovered from the trauma.

how do you know this?
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« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2010, 03:45:26 AM »

Excerpt
how do you know this?

Sorry, which part?
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« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2010, 09:15:23 AM »

Excerpt
how do you know this?

Sorry, which part?

all of it.  it's like you are a therapist yourself.
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« Reply #44 on: February 27, 2010, 04:27:21 PM »

Excerpt
Yes, I thought about warning her new victim but then took a step back and realized that I would not warn Smokey... .I don't like Smokey. Why should I give ole Smokes a warning. I would rather see that fat head deflate after my ex gets done with this one.

Jalk, I am laughing at this one. You are too funny! Thanks for the pick me up.

C
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« Reply #45 on: February 27, 2010, 06:46:35 PM »

I thought of doing exactly the same thing.  I was going to mail my uBPDh's girlfriend some information anonymously about BPD.  Then, I remembered that she knew that she was getting involved with a married man and for that I decided that she deserved to find out what he was all about the hard way - after she is thoroughly used and abused like I was.  She hasn't suffered in any way for her participation in the whole mess - as far as I know - but she will eventually with no help from me.  Too bad... .haha. 
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« Reply #46 on: February 27, 2010, 08:09:35 PM »

Excerpt
I was going to mail my uBPDh's girlfriend some information anonymously about BPD.  Then, I remembered that she knew that she was getting involved with a married man and for that I decided that she deserved to find out what he was all about the hard way - after she is thoroughly used and abused like I was.  She hasn't suffered in any way for her participation in the whole mess - as far as I know - but she will eventually with no help from me.

Tori, that's known as a logical consequence for her actions.

I love it!  

When the honeymoon phase is over and she's stumbling around in a daze wondering, "Wha? Whe? Wha? Huh?"  You can send her an  anonymous "Thank You" card.
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« Reply #47 on: February 27, 2010, 09:10:17 PM »

I did.  Finally, after 9 months of sleeping on couch after filing, my "hopefully soon to be xBPDh" got a girlfriend.  He still didn't go until I packed him and forced him to go.  That was June 09 and the divorce is still pending.  He takes the kids very, very little and can't reach out to them anymore.  Not that he could connect before... .but he can't even call these days.  I know he's hurting because in the past 9 months, he's begged me that "I'm doing the wrong thing, screwing up the family".  He's even told me via text that he cares more than I know... .because he can't express it.  And yes, I told the new gf... .more than one time... .at the beginning and about 4x over the past 9 months.  I really don't think they care to know - they will form their own decisions and maybe the relationship can be different. 

My first text to her told her to "Believe only part.  He is so manipulative".  I think basically my other texts over the months are the same... .it's not until I've had to deal w/ his PLEADINGS, IN FRONT of the children to come back, knowing that he has a gf still, no changes in his anger, controlling behavior... .I think as we move down the road... .it's easier for him to isolate from his kids and I, entirely.  So, no divorce after 18 months... .still pending... .but his whole family thinks it's pending ME!  That doesn't surprise anyone, does it?  I have my kids in a broken promise ministry and sure enough... .I'm hearing about the person that I don't want my children to become... .their father's pd. 

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« Reply #48 on: February 27, 2010, 10:17:57 PM »

This is a funny thread... .I don't mean this in a humerous way or to be insulting... so I will try to explain myself... .on the one hand I find myself wishing she would find someone else... .in the hopes that it will make her seperation from me more effective... .I really want to be disentangled from this woman... .On the other hand I really would not wish her to put anyone else in the same circumstances that she put me into... .but at the end of the day... .since we are dealing with adult relationships here... .after the break-up... .I wonderI if the new B/F or G/F would simply think that I was just trying to be spiteful... .especially during the honeymoon phase... .I have found this interesting because I also think of my soon to be exBPDw's prior husband to me... .due to custody issues we had regular contact with him... .and each time I dealt with him he always seemed like a decent enough sort of fellow... but me and he never spoke beyond basic pleasentries... .BPDw always painted the most ugly picture of this guy and unfortunately I believed her... .so I never spoke too much with him when I would run into the guy... .so if he had tried to warn me I most likely would have thought that BPD's stories were true... .After me and BPD broke up he contacted me... .because she was trying to reach him... .needless to say I found out that he was put into the hospital by her abuse on more than one occasion, hearing his story and based on my own observations and experiences, his experiences were even worse than mine and had the ring of truth to them, one difference was that he never ever pressed charges against her, I did,... .so it was an eye opener and helped convince me that regardless of my feelings, I would never let my soon to be exBPD live with me again... .I was lucky since I only had to stay with her 3 years... .he was with her for nine... .
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« Reply #49 on: February 28, 2010, 01:24:54 AM »

Runningasfastasican, just wanted to say... .loved your name!

That just about sums it up on what you should do when you meet someone your gut tells you

shows red flags/characteristics/abuse of any disordered person but in this case BPD.
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« Reply #50 on: February 28, 2010, 02:04:04 AM »

Runningasfastasican, I hope that name will one day change to strollingalongandenjoyingit  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: March 01, 2010, 01:34:15 AM »

no way... .especially if the girl is too proud to have such a "wonderful" bf Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). plus it lessens the chances of your ex to re-engagement you, if he has a new distraction. i let her discover it for herself, that is not my concern.
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« Reply #52 on: March 01, 2010, 01:47:15 AM »

no how, no way! My ex is very good looking and very charming. There is no way a new woman in his life would believe me over him. All I would accomplish would be to make myself look like a crazy ex.

That being said we did have a nasty break up several years ago that involved him going out and finding my replacement immediately. I stayed completely away from him and his new romantic interest, I had no desire to be involved in any way, shape or form. In the end she sought me out and we were able to validate each other which was awesome but it never would have happened if she didn't take the initative. Same goes for today, I absolutely will not involve myself in his new relationships.
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« Reply #53 on: March 01, 2010, 03:15:35 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 

Oh yes.  There is a guy that has not moved on, and its been 3.5 years!  I do think that he gets lots of teasing and encouragement from her, and it keeps him on the line.  Sadly for him, when she left me, it wasn't to go back to him, it was a new guy!  Too bad for him.
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« Reply #54 on: March 01, 2010, 03:17:15 PM »

I would never warn the new guy.  I have met him and he knew full well that my wife and I were married, yet he pursued her and it turned into cheating.  That guy deserves what he gets.
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« Reply #55 on: March 02, 2010, 11:52:05 AM »

I had contemplated talking to the guy, her affair partner, about what he was getting into. But, like others, I  refrained because 1) He knew she was a married mother of three , and still pursued her 2) I am sure he had heard horror stories about me, much like I did about her ex's and he would think I am nuts and 3) I was , actually, sort of grateful that she was being taken out of my life and did not ant to upset things.

Their affairage lasted about 18 months and then they were ate each others' throats. She took a lot of money from him and used him up and discarded him.

I guess I should send him a thank you card, as someone mentioned. I like that idea.
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« Reply #56 on: March 02, 2010, 03:29:07 PM »

I tend to ruminate on the xBPDp while I'm driving.  Too much idle time, for sure, and I had a 7.5 work trip yesterday.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I could print one of the BPD articles from the website, thinking specifically of the one about love relationships with a BPD and send it to my ex's newest squeeze or current victim.

Of course I also ruminated about my motivations.

Am I trying to rescue her?  Am I trying to punish the ex?  Am I just dying to be RIGHT and having someone else acknowledge it?  Is this good will?  Or is it just a way of staying somehow hooked in and involved?

It is something I could and would do absolutely anonymously.  I have her name and work address and could simply send it with no return address from a random post office with a post-it saying "FYI."  There are enough people, even within his own family, who know he is unstable that I don't think anyone would think it was me.  (I don't even think the new woman knows about me.)

Anyone done it?  Thought about it?

I don't think I'll do it, but it got me thinking about whether anyone else here had.

VanessaG

If you have ever cared about this person, I would recommend against it... .they need to learn some way, hopefully they meet someone that can totally shut them down and show them that their actions are inappropriate for living a successful life.
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« Reply #57 on: March 02, 2010, 03:32:41 PM »

I think its pointless to warn the new person but wouldnt two people be more effective then one? 
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« Reply #58 on: March 02, 2010, 03:33:18 PM »

and what about the 50 people before the one who can shut them down?  casualties?
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« Reply #59 on: March 02, 2010, 03:35:12 PM »

I guess I should send him a thank you card, as someone mentioned. I like that idea.

One thing that I was tempted to do was to send an email to the new guy and just say, "She's all yours, good luck!"

I won't do it, though.  I don't want to provoke anything.
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« Reply #60 on: March 02, 2010, 04:10:39 PM »

we will be regarded as jealous bitter exes if we do this.  not to mention countless people saw through my ex and I didnt care nor take any of their advice. 
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« Reply #61 on: March 02, 2010, 04:23:14 PM »

A good friend of mine knew my wife for quite a while before I met her.  They sort of dated, I think.  (More like she probably got him to buy her stuff.)  Anyway, we met through him.  Just before we got married, I got an email from him that asked me if I was sure about what I was doing.  I responded yes, but followed up and asked if there was something specific that I should know.  His reply was, "no".

I wish he had been a little more forthcoming.  I'm not sure exactly what he had to say, and I doubt it would have changed anything, but I wish he had filled me in a little better.
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atwittsend
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« Reply #62 on: March 02, 2010, 04:36:09 PM »

my guess... .fear, obligation, guilt... .
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #63 on: March 02, 2010, 04:55:41 PM »

I just went back and re-read that warning email from my friend.  He asks if I am sure about getting married THREE TIMES.  LOL.
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« Reply #64 on: March 02, 2010, 04:57:29 PM »

that is hilarious.  funny how we miss those things right?  is he still your friend... .perhaps it would help to ask what his concerns were at the time?  it seems like a step back words into rumination station but it might be an interesting exercise. 
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« Reply #65 on: March 02, 2010, 04:58:47 PM »

Yes, I am.  I will have to ask him.
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« Reply #66 on: March 06, 2010, 04:33:25 PM »

My exNPDbf folks talked to me the other day and said "We tried to warn you he was a narcissist". I can not remember them doing so but did remember their discussion of his wife. Apparently she flew into rages and also began to withdraw from them. She stopped talking to them. I wonder if they were trying to tell me what happens as a result of being in a relationship with him.
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