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Author Topic: My BPD Girlfriend has left  (Read 1780 times)
mattmc99

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« on: March 08, 2010, 06:24:35 AM »

Hi everybody

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I have posted on the newbies board a long letter of all the things she does and people have said as well as a councellor I have seen that the traits are definately there and the red flag is certainly waving.

I have read that much literature and post's and links on here that I am now totally confused.

My BPD girlfriend of 6 months just left for no reason at all, I have read a letter on here where it describes The Seducer, The Clinger and The Hater. This describes her to a T.

Anyhow, the last time I saw her was 6 weeks ago, the first week we where apart I had absolutely no contact with her, there was a time before when she explained to me that when she does not want to talk then she will not talk no matter what, therefore I left her alone thinking of her no talking phase.

She absolutley adored receiving my message saying I love you and I miss you etc so in the second and third week I would send a small message each night, one night saying ''I miss You, the next ''Thinking of You'' the next I Love You'' and so on, after 2 weeks of her not answering any message I finally receive one saying ''please leave me alone, I dont like you, if you love me please let me do what I want to do then I will be happier, this is my last message, I am so sorry''

After receiving this I sent her a message straight back hoping she may respond and we may get some sort of communication, but nothing, when she said it was her last message she really meant it. I tried another couple of messages over the following week but received no reply. She will not answer my phone calls, which have not been many at all and she has never answered any of my emails.

I wrote her a couple of emails explaining my feelings for her and also saying sorry for whatever I have done, I have told her my inner most thoughts and feelings. I really thought this may have made her give in and contact me, I even showed one of the letters to a girl at work and she was nearly in tears reading it, she said ''if that does not upset her and make her come back nothing will'' We did not know about BPD then.

Guess what I still have not heard from her, I have not called, emailed or messaged now for 7 days and I am at a total loss about what to do.

I really do not want to tell myself that she has gone, many people tell me 6 weeks is far too long now.

I have read many things here as I said and I am totally confused, I read somewhere if I contact her I am saying and doing the wrong things and probably making her worse or pushing her further away, if I dont contact her then she will probably think I have gone and thats that.

She told me once that it is the guys place to contact the women and if the guy does not initiate contact then she would never contact him, she would think he was not interested or he had moved on and she would not bother him anymore.

When she met me she said she had a bad relationship which ended 14 months prior, she was without a guy in her life for 14months. Now I am quite sure there is no other person in her life. I cannot understand how she has gone 6 weeks without a message or not gotten lonely and contacted me, she has no friends or familly to talk to, I thought this alone and the shear fact that she must be crawling the walls would have made her give in.

What can I do, is there anything I can do, should I leave her alone and continue no contact or should I do or say something in a particular way that may bring her around and bring her back?

Is there anybody there that has experienced this and if so what did you do, did it work?

Thanks again for reading and I anxiously await responses

Regards to all

Matt



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bowla
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2010, 07:16:04 AM »

i dont know what to tell you... .i would like to point out that are u really sure u want to commit to a relationship with this person? it will be a rollercoster always... its hard and tough to live this life, so be sure u make the right desicion for u... personally i think i would walk away before it gets to serious... if u are serious about her, then u have to respect her wishes and leave her alone... .i might be wrong... .take care of u, and make sure that u get healthy.

this is the only thing i can tell u... .

be the healthy one... .

hugzamillion
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2010, 10:07:33 AM »

Sorry Buddy, I went through the same thing your going through.  We broke up 2 months ago after 20 months together.  She used to love my texts and I loved getting them from her.  We went NC for about two weeks after we broke up.  Then she called me on a Saturday morning just to say hi.  The following week I sent her a text everyday. On Saturday, she sent me the following text.

"I've been thinking for the past year. I need to do what's best for me now, as you've been doing what's in your best interest. I'm moving on with life now and you need to let me do that. Please!"

To make a long story short.  Her son told me she had a new guy 2 weeks after we broke up.  That's when he met the new guy, so he was probably around before then.

She's may have moved on with someone new.
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BPJ
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« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2010, 10:32:23 AM »



I have always found that I have no idea what is bothering my dBPDgf.  I think it's about some issue or event and when we talk it turns out to be something totally illogical to me.  Something happened that made your girlfriend leave.  It might have been something as small as raising your voice or just that she stopped feeling... .that is a favorite of my gf... .she doesn't feel loved or in love anymore.

When she doesn't feel what she needs... .she thinks there is something wrong between us.  I am fortunate in that she will talk to me about this feeling and not just go looking elsewhere for it.  I see here that many BPD go looking other places, either as affairs or just by leaving to find it.  Which may be what happened with you.

There is nothing you can do to fix it.  You didn't cause it.  It's about you, for certain.  But it is all in her head... .it's an emotion that she has no control over and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you do will cause it not to be there.  Only she can do that.  If she is not willing then it will not happen.

Move on with your life.  It's the only thing you can do.  If she comes back, then there are things you can talk about.  Boundaries to set and such.  But if she doesn't then move on and live your life.

Good luck
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jpounce
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2010, 10:42:53 AM »

Hi Matt,

I dont have any answer for you that will make her switch back to thinking you are the guy of her dreams again. ( If I did, I'd likely be a real popular guy on this site, at least till the BPDrs all switched back to BPD crazy mode on us again   )

I can sure relate though. I've been abruptly and without explaination walked away from as if I never existed, twice now by my uBPDxgf. This time though as a matter of self respect and emotional survival, I have not kept trying to win her back, though at first I tried like hell.Flowers (LOTS of them),and  a long letter. I never got any response at all. Nothing. Its as if she just fell off the planet.I stopped my attempts 4 months ago and went NC. She could have reached out to me a million different ways, but did nothing. This same woman who for months claimed undying love for me, wanted to get married, called me her soulmate, and really seemed to be the real deal.

As I've posted before, they are not incapable of reaching out to us. Just remember how relentlessly they persued us in the "idol" phase. I wouldn't advise chasing after them. For two reasons. First, because of the whole fear of engulfment thing they've got going on. And second , because if we chase them after being so coldly dropped, we're kinda sending them a message that says "there is absolutely nothing you can do to me, that will make me not want you back "  . You deserve better than that Matt.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2010, 10:44:51 AM »

There's no magic formula for making someone do something, whether they have BPD or not.

 

I know it hurts

Take this time now to be good to yourself, to get to know yourself ... .you have an ingrained habit at this point of directing your energies towards influencing her. Catch yourself doing that - as with any bad habit - and direct those energies back to yourself.

Since she is gone (for now, anyway), you may want to post on Undecided or Leaving ... .people can and do move amongst the different boards, sometime repeatedly, depending on their current support needs.
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FireFighter
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« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2010, 11:44:22 AM »

My BPD girlfriend of 6 months just left for no reason at all, I have read a letter on here where it describes The Seducer, The Clinger and The Hater. This describes her to a T.

By the sounds of it you have gone through one complete BPD relationship cycle.  Once she hits the Hater stage, she splits you black at an ever increasing frequency and increasing amounts of criticism for every fault you may or may not have.  Typically a pwBPD will start looking for other relationship options to jump into when she has you temporarily split black.  From my experience, she will tell you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." or  "I need to be on my own for awhile to figure my life out."  Typically, a pwBPD doesn't bail on their primary relationship until they have another prepped to jump into. 

Excerpt
Anyhow, the last time I saw her was 6 weeks ago, the first week we where apart I had absolutely no contact with her, there was a time before when she explained to me that when she does not want to talk then she will not talk no matter what, therefore I left her alone thinking of her no talking phase.

Typically, pwBPD have difficulties with object constancy... .out of sight out of mind.  After about a week apart and no reminders that trigger her memory of you, she will forget her attachment to you and seemingly you are filed into the back recesses of her mind.  If she has a specific need of you or her memories are triggered (eg.  a song on the radio, TV show you watch together, some gift you gave her) she might reach out to you by the way of a "re-engagement."

Excerpt
She absolutley adored receiving my message saying I love you and I miss you etc so in the second and third week I would send a small message each night, one night saying ''I miss You, the next ''Thinking of You'' the next I Love You'' and so on, after 2 weeks of her not answering any message I finally receive one saying ''please leave me alone, I dont like you, if you love me please let me do what I want to do then I will be happier, this is my last message, I am so sorry''

She is a live in the moment person ruled by her emotions.  When she adored your message she was likely feeling lonely at that moment in time and your message was well timed to soothe her emotions.  Later on she may not be feeling lonely when she receives your next message or be feeling engulfed by your attention and she pulls away via telling you to leave her alone.  Her emotions will change again.  Her mental illness prevents you from building an increasing amount of intimacy to establish a deeper love.  Her emotions flip around too quickly from being receptive towards you to wanting to flee from you to spend time with someone else.

Excerpt
After receiving this I sent her a message straight back hoping she may respond and we may get some sort of communication, but nothing, when she said it was her last message she really meant it. I tried another couple of messages over the following week but received no reply. She will not answer my phone calls, which have not been many at all and she has never answered any of my emails.

I wrote her a couple of emails explaining my feelings for her and also saying sorry for whatever I have done, I have told her my inner most thoughts and feelings. I really thought this may have made her give in and contact me, I even showed one of the letters to a girl at work and she was nearly in tears reading it, she said ''if that does not upset her and make her come back nothing will'' We did not know about BPD then.

Guess what I still have not heard from her, I have not called, emailed or messaged now for 7 days and I am at a total loss about what to do.

Typically, a pwBPD needs a primary white person in their life at all times.  If they don't have one then they are desperately looking for one.  The white person doesn't necessarily have to be a relationship partner but could be a family member, co-worker, or friend.  While she is fixated on this other person for emotional support, she will likely not be receptive towards you.  Eventually she will split this next person black for whatever reason (didn't call when she was expecting them to or some perceived trivial personal slight) and she will begin looking around for another white person to attach to.  It is at this time she could circle back to you if she remembers you and believes that you can soothe her emotions like you once did.  If her options are limited she might ramp up her re-engaging attempts to reconnect with you.  If she has plenty of options then she might not even remember you.

Excerpt
I really do not want to tell myself that she has gone, many people tell me 6 weeks is far too long now.

I have read many things here as I said and I am totally confused, I read somewhere if I contact her I am saying and doing the wrong things and probably making her worse or pushing her further away, if I dont contact her then she will probably think I have gone and thats that.

She is mentally ill.  She is incapable of having a normal reciprocal relationship.  Her emotions rule her decision making of what feels good at the time.  Her rational mind is unable to understand what you are thinking unless she is in the same room with you and reading the expression on your face. 

Excerpt
She told me once that it is the guys place to contact the women and if the guy does not initiate contact then she would never contact him, she would think he was not interested or he had moved on and she would not bother him anymore.

She will not consistently believe this.  In the next moment, her feelings will change and she will believe the exact opposite.  Although it is to her advantage to convince the white and alternate white people in her life that they need to chase after her so she has a constant selection of people to provide her with emotional support. 

Excerpt
When she met me she said she had a bad relationship which ended 14 months prior, she was without a guy in her life for 14months. Now I am quite sure there is no other person in her life. I cannot understand how she has gone 6 weeks without a message or not gotten lonely and contacted me, she has no friends or familly to talk to, I thought this alone and the shear fact that she must be crawling the walls would have made her give in.

Typically, all BPD relationships end badly with her previous relationship partner vilified and the pwBPD playing the role of innocent victim that needs rescuing.  Playing the role of a victim is a role that is learned from a young age that is never grown out of.  Do not be surprised that the exbf is out of the doghouse and put back on the pedestal of her idealization due to a combination of abandonment fears and splitting mechanism.  If this happens, you would be the one that she would be vilifying with made up tales of abuse to win his support and protection.  Sadly her mental illness would actually believe the stories she tells people.

Excerpt
What can I do, is there anything I can do, should I leave her alone and continue no contact or should I do or say something in a particular way that may bring her around and bring her back?

Contacting her with friendly/funny/pleasant and emotionally nontriggering messages overcomes her object constancy to remind her of you without triggering her engulfment fears.  While she has you split black, messages professing your undying love to her and even "I miss you messages" are a complete turn-off and will cause her to flee.  Eventually, she will be shopping for the next white person (once the current one disappoints her) and she may rotate back to you if your timing is right and you keep yourself at the top of her alternate white person list.  You will know that this is happening when she starts seeking you out to spend time together.

From my experience, it is a crappy position to put yourself in... .a backup relationship for a mentally and emotional unstable woman who is likely incapable of reciprocating the love you have for her.  But when she has you split white... .it is a wonderful feeling isn't it... .to be idealized, your personality mirrored back at you, to read your emotions and adapt herself to what you desire?  Sadly it is just a facade until the next Hater stage.

Keep learning about BPD and understand why you are devoted to someone that treats you the way she does in the good and bad times.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2010, 01:17:25 PM »

My BPD girlfriend of 6 months just left for no reason at all, I have read a letter on here where it describes The Seducer, The Clinger and The Hater. This describes her to a T.

By the sounds of it you have gone through one complete BPD relationship cycle.  Once she hits the Hater stage, she splits you black at an ever increasing frequency and increasing amounts of criticism for every fault you may or may not have.  Typically a pwBPD will start looking for other relationship options to jump into when she has you temporarily split black.  From my experience, she will tell you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." or  "I need to be on my own for awhile to figure my life out."  Typically, a pwBPD doesn't bail on their primary relationship until they have another prepped to jump into. 

Excerpt
Anyhow, the last time I saw her was 6 weeks ago, the first week we where apart I had absolutely no contact with her, there was a time before when she explained to me that when she does not want to talk then she will not talk no matter what, therefore I left her alone thinking of her no talking phase.

Typically, pwBPD have difficulties with object constancy... .out of sight out of mind.  After about a week apart and no reminders that trigger her memory of you, she will forget her attachment to you and seemingly you are filed into the back recesses of her mind.  If she has a specific need of you or her memories are triggered (eg.  a song on the radio, TV show you watch together, some gift you gave her) she might reach out to you by the way of a "re-engagement."

Excerpt
She absolutley adored receiving my message saying I love you and I miss you etc so in the second and third week I would send a small message each night, one night saying ''I miss You, the next ''Thinking of You'' the next I Love You'' and so on, after 2 weeks of her not answering any message I finally receive one saying ''please leave me alone, I dont like you, if you love me please let me do what I want to do then I will be happier, this is my last message, I am so sorry''

She is a live in the moment person ruled by her emotions.  When she adored your message she was likely feeling lonely at that moment in time and your message was well timed to soothe her emotions.  Later on she may not be feeling lonely when she receives your next message or be feeling engulfed by your attention and she pulls away via telling you to leave her alone.  Her emotions will change again.  Her mental illness prevents you from building an increasing amount of intimacy to establish a deeper love.  Her emotions flip around too quickly from being receptive towards you to wanting to flee from you to spend time with someone else.

Excerpt
After receiving this I sent her a message straight back hoping she may respond and we may get some sort of communication, but nothing, when she said it was her last message she really meant it. I tried another couple of messages over the following week but received no reply. She will not answer my phone calls, which have not been many at all and she has never answered any of my emails.

I wrote her a couple of emails explaining my feelings for her and also saying sorry for whatever I have done, I have told her my inner most thoughts and feelings. I really thought this may have made her give in and contact me, I even showed one of the letters to a girl at work and she was nearly in tears reading it, she said ''if that does not upset her and make her come back nothing will'' We did not know about BPD then.

Guess what I still have not heard from her, I have not called, emailed or messaged now for 7 days and I am at a total loss about what to do.

Typically, a pwBPD needs a primary white person in their life at all times.  If they don't have one then they are desperately looking for one.  The white person doesn't necessarily have to be a relationship partner but could be a family member, co-worker, or friend.  While she is fixated on this other person for emotional support, she will likely not be receptive towards you.  Eventually she will split this next person black for whatever reason (didn't call when she was expecting them to or some perceived trivial personal slight) and she will begin looking around for another white person to attach to.  It is at this time she could circle back to you if she remembers you and believes that you can soothe her emotions like you once did.  If her options are limited she might ramp up her re-engaging attempts to reconnect with you.  If she has plenty of options then she might not even remember you.

Excerpt
I really do not want to tell myself that she has gone, many people tell me 6 weeks is far too long now.

I have read many things here as I said and I am totally confused, I read somewhere if I contact her I am saying and doing the wrong things and probably making her worse or pushing her further away, if I dont contact her then she will probably think I have gone and thats that.

She is mentally ill.  She is incapable of having a normal reciprocal relationship.  Her emotions rule her decision making of what feels good at the time.  Her rational mind is unable to understand what you are thinking unless she is in the same room with you and reading the expression on your face. 

Excerpt
She told me once that it is the guys place to contact the women and if the guy does not initiate contact then she would never contact him, she would think he was not interested or he had moved on and she would not bother him anymore.

She will not consistently believe this.  In the next moment, her feelings will change and she will believe the exact opposite.  Although it is to her advantage to convince the white and alternate white people in her life that they need to chase after her so she has a constant selection of people to provide her with emotional support. 

Excerpt
When she met me she said she had a bad relationship which ended 14 months prior, she was without a guy in her life for 14months. Now I am quite sure there is no other person in her life. I cannot understand how she has gone 6 weeks without a message or not gotten lonely and contacted me, she has no friends or familly to talk to, I thought this alone and the shear fact that she must be crawling the walls would have made her give in.

Typically, all BPD relationships end badly with her previous relationship partner vilified and the pwBPD playing the role of innocent victim that needs rescuing.  Playing the role of a victim is a role that is learned from a young age that is never grown out of.  Do not be surprised that the exbf is out of the doghouse and put back on the pedestal of her idealization due to a combination of abandonment fears and splitting mechanism.  If this happens, you would be the one that she would be vilifying with made up tales of abuse to win his support and protection.  Sadly her mental illness would actually believe the stories she tells people.

Excerpt
What can I do, is there anything I can do, should I leave her alone and continue no contact or should I do or say something in a particular way that may bring her around and bring her back?

Contacting her with friendly/funny/pleasant and emotionally nontriggering messages overcomes her object constancy to remind her of you without triggering her engulfment fears.  While she has you split black, messages professing your undying love to her and even "I miss you messages" are a complete turn-off and will cause her to flee.  Eventually, she will be shopping for the next white person (once the current one disappoints her) and she may rotate back to you if your timing is right and you keep yourself at the top of her alternate white person list.  You will know that this is happening when she starts seeking you out to spend time together.

From my experience, it is a crappy position to put yourself in... .a backup relationship for a mentally and emotional unstable woman who is likely incapable of reciprocating the love you have for her.  But when she has you split white... .it is a wonderful feeling isn't it... .to be idealized, your personality mirrored back at you, to read your emotions and adapt herself to what you desire?  Sadly it is just a facade until the next Hater stage.

Keep learning about BPD and understand why you are devoted to someone that treats you the way she does in the good and bad times.

Packed with wisdom, the above is.

Unless or until she recovers in therapy, this is who she is going to be. It's important to accept and understand that reality, whether one stays or goes.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2010, 01:25:35 PM »

She absolutley adored receiving my message saying I love you and I miss you etc so in the second and third week I would send a small message each night, one night saying ''I miss You, the next ''Thinking of You'' the next I Love You'' and so on, after 2 weeks of her not answering any message I finally receive one saying ''please leave me alone, I dont like you, if you love me please let me do what I want to do then I will be happier, this is my last message, I am so sorry''

Neediness isn't attractive ... .BPD or no.

Notice how you kind of turned that into a program ... .you were like "wow, that worked, I'm going to keep doing it!" 

I can understand that, but ... .I think Firefighter is right: the first time, you happened to plug into what she needed that one moment. It didn't "work" after that because you didn't just happen to plug into her current emotional need after that.
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FireFighter
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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 02:07:23 PM »

Neediness isn't attractive ... .BPD or no.

Notice how you kind of turned that into a program ... .you were like "wow, that worked, I'm going to keep doing it!" 

I can understand that, but ... .I think Firefighter is right: the first time, you happened to plug into what she needed that one moment. It didn't "work" after that because you didn't just happen to plug into her current emotional need after that.

Great observation.  So naturally, you stop with the messages after being rejected by her to reassess your position.  Then sometime later you really miss her one day, have a moment of weakness, and send her another "Miss You/Thinking of You" message and surprisingly it is warmly received again.  Then its: "OMG she really does care about me!" only to be rejected again on the next "I love you" message.  This is the intermittent reinforcement conditioning that keeps us nons locked in.  Amazingly it is not intentional on her part of keeping you psychologically conditioned to her, its the luck of the draw when you reach out to her and her current emotional state that is in constant flux.
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mattmc99

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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2010, 09:30:21 PM »

Hi Mate

Thanks for all the advice.

I noticed you mentioned the flowers, I also sent the flowers and got no responce, not even a thankyou. But what I did get was a call from the courier who delivered them, she told me she delivered the flowers to the house, the girlfriend opened the door and grabbed the flowers looking extremely happy, said thanks and went inside. The courier went to her car and was looking at her list to see where the next delivery was when suddenly the girlfriend appeared at the car window, the courier asked what was wrong and she said I cannot accept these please take them back, the courier was shocked and told me this had never happened to her before. I told her to leave the flowers on the doorstep and drive away. I have a friend who lives up the road, I called him and 2hrs later he walked past and said there where no flowers on the doorstep, still I did not get a thankyou.

I dont know if I should go to her house and just knock on the door or if I should stay quiet and have no contact at all, everything one does appears to be the wrong thing

Hi Matt,

I dont have any answer for you that will make her switch back to thinking you are the guy of her dreams again. ( If I did, I'd likely be a real popular guy on this site, at least till the BPDrs all switched back to BPD crazy mode on us again   )

I can sure relate though. I've been abruptly and without explaination walked away from as if I never existed, twice now by my uBPDxgf. This time though as a matter of self respect and emotional survival, I have not kept trying to win her back, though at first I tried like hell.Flowers (LOTS of them),and  a long letter. I never got any response at all. Nothing. Its as if she just fell off the planet.I stopped my attempts 4 months ago and went NC. She could have reached out to me a million different ways, but did nothing. This same woman who for months claimed undying love for me, wanted to get married, called me her soulmate, and really seemed to be the real deal.

As I've posted before, they are not incapable of reaching out to us. Just remember how relentlessly they persued us in the "idol" phase. I wouldn't advise chasing after them. For two reasons. First, because of the whole fear of engulfment thing they've got going on. And second , because if we chase them after being so coldly dropped, we're kinda sending them a message that says "there is absolutely nothing you can do to me, that will make me not want you back "  . You deserve better than that Matt.

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« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2010, 05:12:37 AM »

I dont know if I should go to her house and just knock on the door or if I should stay quiet and have no contact at all, everything one does appears to be the wrong thing

If she doesn't want to communicate with you, then continuing to try to force the situation is called "stalking" ... .not a good move.

She's allowed to not want flowers from you. She's allowed to not want to communicate with you. She can choose any level, or no level at all, of communication with you.

And you can choose whether you want to keep pursuing her, if she doesn't want a relationship of the same kind that you do.
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« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2010, 07:43:46 AM »

I agree with auspicious, Matt.

It has been weeks since you have heard from her.  She's made it clear that she doesn't want to see you or talk to you yet you persist in pursuing her.  It does sound as you are close to stalking her, and that will get you arrested before it will get her back. 

Are you in therapy?  Perhaps it is time to consider why you are relentless pursuing this woman who, BPD or not, has made it clear she doesn't want to see you. 

Have you read through some of the links on the right?  Perhaps "taking care of yourself" is a good place to start.
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mattmc99

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« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2010, 07:10:38 PM »

I do not consider myself stalking her, I sent her some flowers the day after we broke up, thats it, a couple of text messages thats all. I have had no contact with her for the last 2 weeks. It has only been 6 weeks since we split.

Basically all I was doing was saying to Jpounce that I had a similar experience to him, he mentioned he had sent alot of flowers and got no response either.

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OnceConfused
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« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2010, 08:35:08 PM »

Matt:

How many posts you have read here that indicate the poster can help their BPD ? NONE.

So how makes you think you can beat the odd ? If you know the way, then I think you will be award the Nobel Prize in psychology.

How can you help her while even professional therapists still has strong reservation about working w PBD?

Lucky for you that she has left. Many of those posters here suffered YEARS AND YEARS of abuse from their BPD SO that have never left.



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yogirex58

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« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2015, 05:08:02 PM »

I thought this was a support forum, to improving a relationship with BPD partner?  Is it wrong for him to have hope in reconnecting with his GF?
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JohnLove
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« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2015, 05:59:57 PM »

yogirex58, there is NO relationship. There is nothing to "improve". mattmc99 has done everything he can to assist in reconnecting... .and responded to this pwBPD like a she was a NON, and that almost never works. She has made her wishes CLEAR to mattmc99. If there IS or WAS going to be a relationship, the ball is her court NOW. I remind you they have not been "together" for 6weeks... .and there is currently NC. It is maybe a little sad, but it is true.

mattmc99 can have all the hope he wants... .but is it false hope?

FireFighter, I viewed you post as AUTHORITIVE. Even I learnt something from it. Thanks.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Tim300
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« Reply #17 on: March 10, 2015, 06:02:35 PM »

OP -- What you describe sounds very much like something I went through about 5 years ago, with a girl I dated for a couple months.  I was crushed by the experience because I couldn't understand what I did wrong or why we couldn't at least just be friends.  I was desperate to make amends because, among other reasons, we were in the same small graduate-school program together.  Also, I have almost always seemed to get along with everyone in my life, so this hurt.  I had no idea what BPD was at the time, but I could recognize that she had a lot of inappropriate anger towards people, had unstable relationships, seemed to be overly distrustful, was depressed, would quickly go from idealization to devaluation and back, etc.  Ultimately, I did not discover the concept of BPD until being in a 2.5 year relationship with my BPDex-fiancee.  Now I strongly suspect that the graduate-school girl has BPD too.  In any event, we ended up graduating together and she continued to not look at me, etc., straight through graduation.  Like your situation, she would not respond to a handwritten letter I had given her with the kindest words ever spoken -- a female friend of mine almost cried reading it.  About two years passed (with us living on different continents) and I sent her an email saying that I had walked passed her favorite park in city X.  She finally responded (via email), and it was cordial.  My heart almost melted in joy.  I was so happy and relieved to finally get a response and simply know that we were "friends"!  Now I email her once a year at the beginning of each year to wish her well and she gives a very cordial response and thanks me for emailing her.  Perhaps this isn't the outcome you were looking for (two years of NC and getting a brief, cordial email response), but I figured I'd mention it to help you get through this situation.  :)o not take her behavior personally -- this is just how some of these people function.
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Jack_50
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« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2015, 10:14:35 PM »

Hi Mate

Thanks for all the advice.

I noticed you mentioned the flowers, I also sent the flowers and got no responce, not even a thankyou. But what I did get was a call from the courier who delivered them, she told me she delivered the flowers to the house, the girlfriend opened the door and grabbed the flowers looking extremely happy, said thanks and went inside. The courier went to her car and was looking at her list to see where the next delivery was when suddenly the girlfriend appeared at the car window, the courier asked what was wrong and she said I cannot accept these please take them back, the courier was shocked and told me this had never happened to her before. I told her to leave the flowers on the doorstep and drive away. I have a friend who lives up the road, I called him and 2hrs later he walked past and said there where no flowers on the doorstep, still I did not get a thankyou.

I dont know if I should go to her house and just knock on the door or if I should stay quiet and have no contact at all, everything one does appears to be the wrong thing

Hello Matt,

My idea?

She has another boyfriend, and at first sight she thought that the flowers came from him.  Upon realizing they came from you, she immediately rejected them, as if stung by a bee.

She has moved on, she is with someone else now.  You trying to contact her, is messing everything up for her right now.  That is why the firm boundary to not contact her anymore.  

If you dare to go see her, she will explode in your face.

Proof?  She told you she is moving on with her life; which is the politically correct way to say "I have someone else now".  Her reaction change to the flowers confirms it as well.

You said you're pretty sure that there's no one else in her life; you need to wake up: women are just a lot better at hiding their true intentions than any man will ever be.  Take off the pink glasses, and put your feet back on the ground.  Life lesson nr 1?  Check!

As FireFighter said : "she is a live in the moment person ruled by her emotions".  And that emotion can switch anytime to anything.  Hence your confusion.

Forget her, you deserve better.  :)o not let your internal MrFixit convince you to fix her, you're dealing with something you have no experience of.  She's moved on, but is not telling you, to keep you as backup in case the new guy dumps her.  That's how emotions-only people manage their lives... .


Jack
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #19 on: March 10, 2015, 10:45:14 PM »

I just thought I'd point out to everyone that this thread was started 5 years ago, and the original poster stopped posting a month later--he hasn't been around for 5 years.

So addressing him and trying to help, isn't going to help probably  

I thought this was a support forum, to improving a relationship with BPD partner?  Is it wrong for him to have hope in reconnecting with his GF?

You are right, yogirex58; this is the Staying Board, and as such, the members of this Board are there to support people in their efforts to make their relationships better. We would--today--point the original poster to the links to the right-hand side of this page in order to help him understand BPD and the way his girlfriend's mind works, and to help him learn how to communicate with her better if she would ever respond to his outreaches to her.

We'd be encouraging him to check out the Feature Articles under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page in order to glean insights and tips on making his life and relationship better. We'd also remind posters on this thread not to give him "run messages" or otherwise go askew of the protocol of this Board... .The Staying Board is supportive of people who want to stay in their relationships and is a safe place for learning how to do that if at all possible.

You do have that right, yogirex58  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Kasina
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« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2015, 07:18:59 PM »

Omg!rapt thankyou for pointing it out .you literally saved 40 minutes of my life
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Rubyjs

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« Reply #21 on: September 15, 2017, 06:04:35 AM »

Have you contacted her? I'd suggest sending her different texts, maybe talking about some exciting events in your own life or asking her how she's doing. I agree with others here - sending a lot of "I love you" and "I miss you"s seems a bit needy, unless the other person reciprocates every time.
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