TEST: What's your conflict style?

[goldenblunder]

I first voted "problem solver" because that is what I generally am.  But, I read more and when it comes to my relationship, its PLACATOR, big time.  Changed my vote.

[DAS]

Note that I have found... .entirely... .in every relationship.

Pursuing personal goals will always, always, always cause the relationship to rupture. Friends, romance, BPD or not. Except my parents.

So my choices always become "do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship alive?" or "relationship ends".

I generally therefore only bail when the % of my needs that are being filled falls to 0% cause even that extra 5% is more than there would be without it.

[blackandwhite]

Results so far:

Problem Solver 47.9%

Tough Battler  5.2%

Placator  38.5%

Detached 8.3%


B&W

[GreatDad]

This exercise is futile with a true pwBPD.  It opens up for examination game theory and the prisoner's dilemma.  The fundamental problem in applying this analysis to personality disorders is the inapplicability (or, more accurately, uselessness) of logic to the conflict.  Those of us who are rational, regardless of our style, cannot use the traits attributed to our style with any predictable outcome.  I submit that each of the traits has some benefits, and some detriments, to coping with irrationality,, but no trait is any better over time than another.  In the end, the irrationality will prevent any utility of this exercise.   The traits ascribed to the styles assume some stability and predictability.  With someone who, almost by definition, defies (or, more accurately, is incapable of) stability and predictability, knowing your trait is unhelpful.  Feel free to disagree and tell me why this is incorrect. 

[Believe]

I am a problem solver but became a placator in our relationship. When I realized I had, I went back to problem solving and he bailed.

I was scrolling down to type just about the same exact thing... .only mine ends a little differently:

I am a problem solver but became a placator in our relationship. When I realized I had, I went back to problem solving and the only solution I could come up with was to bail out.

He would never have bailed. That's too much closure for him. He's a "keep all options open" kind of manipulator... .

[PotentiallyKevin]

Being a problem solver got me into a lot of trouble being with a borderline. They hate hate hate when you have personal goals.

[Blythe1976]

Ouch, I felt a little sick clicking "Placator," but I have to be honest with myself. I've spent a lifetime putting my own goals and priorities on the backburner while trying desperately  to "fix" relationships with abusive men.

[Fathom]

I was definitely a "Placator" a year ago. Now, hands-down Problem Solver. Ironically, I would submit most Problem Solvers don't solve many problems when it comes to BPD! 

[gWocky00]

I was always acused of being a mediator , problem solver, which I am, but it just doesnt work, when the pwBPD is demanding you take sides.  good god

[Mystic]

I was always acused of being a mediator , problem solver, which I am, but it just doesnt work, when the pwBPD is demanding you take sides.  good god

I have to agree with this.  I am a problem solver, but with BPDexbf, problem solving was impossible.  He was controlling and abusive and there was only one answer, his, so I became a placater. 

You can't problem solve with these people.  Problem solving takes two rational, caring people. 

[gWocky00]

If I didnt take her side, I was against her, no matter if we were dealing with friends, neighbors, family or even the kids.  Her coin only had one side,,Must have been one of those trick ones,,two heads,,,,lol

[serenitygone]

I definately am a problem solver.  Though I EMOTIONALLY detach from the feelings when doing this.

With my uBPDm, I just don't engage in any conflict.  It's pointLESS.  Either I agree with her or I'm out.

With my BPD/bipdd, I start out problem solving.  By the end, depending on how manic she is... .it's usually a detachment.

She usually ends up leaving 

Conflict is something I'm super UNcomfy with.  BPD conflict aka rages... .they're just a NO win. 

If she's raging... .I walk.  It reminds me of trying to end a 2yo's temper tantrums.  You CANNOT.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it. 

[Crystal Ball]

In Romantic Relationships I'm definately a placator which caused me to lose myself to the point of being miserable.  As I have become more aware of my own behavior, I am learning how to change for the better.  In other areas of my life, I'm a Problem Solver... .I resolve matters and keep the relationship in tact.  As the song goes... ."the things we'll do for love".

[KeepingPeace]

Hmm... .this is interesting, because I'm all over the place:P   I see myself doing some of all these styles at different times with my bf... .  Initially, my goal is to be a problem solver.  But if he pushes a few buttons, I'm definitely get into stomp on him and win mode><   And if I feel desperate enough to just want to end the conflict I shift into placating mode (this was my favorite for the first few years of the relationship... .maybe that's why he actually liked me back then:P)  and then lately I've tended to be kinda indifferent... .  I guess I'm as changeable as he is:P

[jalk]

Placator for sure. Where did it get me? Loss of my own identity and interests. What did it do for the relationship? Not a damn thing. Just gave her more control to pull my strings.

[Overcomingbpd]

I tried to placate my bpxh, I am not good at it. Maybe one reason we divorced? No I have got to be true to myself and I am a problem solver. Placating my x just made him mad.

[argyle]

Meh.  I'm going with problem-solver, but I'm pretty sure I've oscillated between problem-solver and detached and back again.

Anyone else answer some of these pools hoping someone else will get a research paper out of them?

--Argyle

[nowheretogo]

oops, I forgot to read the definitions before taking the poll.  I answered detach because I like to avoid conflict, but I am actually a placator.

[Gowest]

I've been all four at different times. The only time I can remember being the Placator was with my ex, usually I go for the Tough Battler option because it's the easiest and ends the conflict the fastest. The key is to not ask for too much.

I'm Detached with my ex now, because none of the other ones work to my liking. Even if I have the patience to do the Problem Solver thing and tease out the possible solutions, all is forgotten the next time I talk to him anyway.

[T. Moore]

I know I am a problem solver, but can see myself being a placator too.

[mosaicbird]

What an interesting set of conflict styles... .  I haven't seen these before.

I am a Tough Battler, for sure. Always right, win at all costs - I don't stop to consider the relationship at all when there's a conflict. :/

I think my partner is a combination of Placator and Detached, but with a big element of being completely avoidant. He doesn't physically leave relationships, but he does check out emotionally because of his fear of conflict and anger.

[SarahinMA]

I feel like I was all over the board in my last relationship.  I grew up in a household with three sisters- my parents, sisters, and I always argued (yelling, immature slamming doors, etc.)... .  then, we'd get over it.  That's just how things worked. 

My ex BPD was so confusing, though.  He would, usually when he was drunk, say something hurtful or pick a fight and then immediately withdraw.  I would placate by having NO idea what to say to him.  We'd both get emotional and not speak for the rest of the evening.  I had never been with someone who refused to argue it out or communicate about what was bothering him.  It was so weird.  At the end, I ended up apologizing for everything and taking the blame for all the problems, something I'm not proud of. 

[ZigofZag]

I was a clear placator and the cost to me was huge. I would compromise in every situation to smooth things over. To stop the forthcoming rage. I switched to becoming a mediator. Then it just got too much. I was an empty vessel and just gave up. Then I became totally despondent. The changes happened over a period of 6 years.

[ZigofZag]

Placator for sure. Where did it get me? Loss of my own identity and interests. What did it do for the relationship? Not a damn thing. Just gave her more control to pull my strings.

Exactly. Succinct and to the point

[clljhns]

I definitely used to be the placator.

I am now more a problem-solver. But then, I haven't been in a relationship in several years. It was always in my r/s with so that I was placatory, just as I had been with parents.

[ziniztar]

It really depends. At work I'm a tough battler. People don't mess with my chance to shine/earn acknowledgement, or else I will mess with them.

At home it's a completely different style, I really used to be a big fat placator. I'm learning to be more of a problem solver with friends and I'm getting there. Making the same transformation in my relationship.

But then, I haven't been in a relationship in several years. It was always in my r/s with so that I was placatory, just as I had been with parents.

This is the type of bond that is not easily replicated and can only be seen in family and romantic relationships. When my dBPDbf and I got together he was single for a few months, had just heard about his diagnosis, had started treatment and became aware of his push-pull cycle. He was afraid to get into a relationship and do it all wrong again. I had been single for over 5 years (with some romantic involvements here and there, but they all failed). I had just found out about my abnormal attachment and explained to him that a new relationship frightened me as well. We ended up deciding to 'go for it' because neither of us would conquer our issues whilst being single. I had been feeling on top of the world for about 2 years, single, focused at work, lots of friends that I had lots of time to spend with, enough excersize. Now I'm in the relationship and it's really really hard. Not neccisarily because he's BPD (he's a moderate kind and willingly goes to therapy by himself), but because I suck at attachment as well. I'm starting to see which expectations and behaviour of mine is not healthy and it hurts to see it but not being able to change it immediately.

We're quite able to help each other with issues that we've got, not in a rescuer-victim kind of way, but in the more supportive kind of way. Hell potentially breaks loose when we're both not feeling well, but usually one of us can man up to be the better person.

My point being: some issues cannot be dealt with when not in a relationship. Some behaviour of yourself is only triggered in romantic relationships. Some people choose to avoid it (as I've done for a few years and felt really happy, but lonely).

[Sandcastle]

Detached, for sure. I learned long ago it was useless to fight with uBPD momster. If I argued, she only tried harder to prove how wrong I was. So I shut up, sat there and took it. Same thing happened with a uBPD ex-friend, only it was made worse because she was mostly deaf and, while she lip read pretty well, she didn't necessarily catch everything, and if her back was turned I couldn't talk at all. I couldn't fight; I just sat there and took it, usually in the form of a lecture on why didn't I think things through. (She had a bunch of horses I was trying to help her with, and did for a while, but it ended up being really awful.)

Thing was, with both of them, my non-response only angered them further. They both even said so. So there was really no winning. There wasn't anything I could do. And I still run from conflict, even when it's on TV. I can't deal with it. Which is why I work a behind-the-scenes desk job where I don't have any face to face customer contact and very little on the phone.

That response didn't gain me anything, but kept wearing me down until I always doubted my own responses. I was wrong, they were right, I was wrong for not understanding where they were coming from and it was okay they were upset and angry because they had XYZ medical issues too, and, and... .

No, it wasn't right for them to scream at me out of all proportion just because they were tired or not feeling good. Sorry.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I was very much into win-win resolution.  I still am at work and with others.  Now though, I am detached in my marriage conflict.  I think I waited too long to "see a doctor" in the sense of working on a toxic marriage to my uBPDw. 

Now I look at any effort in conflict resolution in marriage as CPR.  I'm starting with a dead patient, so it doesn't matter what I do, right or wrong. 

Fortunately, I have kids, and they are my motivation to model really good traits for them. 

[unicorn2014]

I'm a tough battler, so I guess that answers form fliers question, why fight, because its my conflict style. ... .

[Panda39]

In my current relationship we both are problem solvers.

But in my co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic husband I can tell you I was all four conflict styles over the course of 20 years and was extremely detached the last 4 years.

Panda39