Desperately in need of this community's support . . .

[2idealistic]

Because I made the ultimate mistake after having come so far in my stages of recovery from break with ex more than four months ago.  Tonight I went on facebook through my college-age son's account and discovered a photo of my ex with (in her affirmation to a friend's query) her "new beau."  While I knew they were together, and he was one of the real or virtual affairs she conducted during the last few months of our relationship, I just lost my objectivity about the fact that the beautiful, smiling face in the photo with her happy children is with the man that she previously labeled as a date rapist, a "freak," and a cyberstalker, the man she felt so threatened by (after what amounted to his discovery that she was not uncommitted, had been with me for at least a year prior to their clandestine affair, which she initiated) could in fact seem and look so happy. 

I know that behind that beautiful, smiling, seemingly happy face lies the insidious nature of BPD.  Now, once again, I just can't reconcile that the last night and weekend we spent together at my house, a snowy evening just after she had taken her children to be with her ex-husband for the weekend, I discovered that not only was she carrying on again via text/email with the man she had labeled a date rapist, a stalker and sought my protection from, but she was also texting three other men, in various turns, telling one how she had to go out with this guy from work (me!, her lover of over two years), but would rather be with him; another, a whole state away, and her sister's boss, whom she'd met at a Christmas cocktail party, that she was all alone with "her kitties"; and finally, trading explicit PIN texts with a former boyfriend of 20 years previous, who also was half way across the country and married.  Only two weeks prior to this revelatory, but self esteem destroying evening/weekend, we were shopping for engagement rings.  When I woke her up to question her about who the man was whose name she called in her sleep (the one she texted that she'd rather be with), she became defensive (of course), and explained that it was nothing, she just talks in her sleep (I had seen the text while she slept).  The following morning, after I brought her breakfast in bed, she determined that she would tell me what she had been intending to tell me for three years--that she had been the victim of childhood sexual abuse, so I pledged my undying loyalty, compassion, and support for her.

One month later, I caught her with her stalker boy, (the one in her facebook photo, her "new beau" and I turned all black.  

So I had been cruising along just fine in the last month (except for unemployment and imminent financial ruin), accepting the anger and bitterness I feel as part of the process (except for the recent suggestion from my son that my sarcasm seems a bit too much and he thinks I'm directing it at him), when I see this "happy" face in the photo with her "new beau" and her children, oblivious it seems to the destruction she's caused.

After pouring out my heart, soul, compassion, financial and emotional support I feel like the last three years of my life have been pointless, and I might as well not have existed at all.

[fishguy204]

Yeah,its tough man,but always keep in my mind they don't change.They live for the honeymoon phase and once that wears off on to someone else.

My ex was so happy initially I went from doing no wrong to no right so fast.I've seen her go through 6 new guys in a year,all were apparently the 'one' in the beginning.If you were with someone and you can truly say you did the best you could and they still weren't happy,that's their problem BPD or not.

[seeking balance]

I feel your pain, right there with you.  I keep trying to just accept this is an illness and not about me.  It is hard, but I hope with NC and time, I will get out of the feeling of waking up panicked and so sad.  Hang in there.

[2010]

I know that behind that beautiful, smiling, seemingly happy face lies the insidious nature of BPD

The last 3 years did matter.  You are in the Crucible at the moment- and the heat is turned on and everything is transforming- but it's a spiritual alchemy that will become your Magnum Opus. Jung saw alchemy as a psychology dedicated to the achievement of individuation, but each person had to go through three stages:

    * The initial fire - blackening (-putrefaction): corruption, dissolution. BETRAYAL

    * The Burn -white hot heat: purification, burnout of impurities that dont belong. HEARTBREAK

    * citrinitas, yellowing: spiritualization, enlightenment. GOLD.

It is in citrinitas that the Chemical Wedding takes place, and Gold is eventually born. Until then, here's a few thoughts. Serial cheaters do not "trade up." They do not leave one partner for a better partner. They leave because they have a disorder.

People with BPD will scapegoat. They need persecutors. This helps them find rescuers who process the devaluation of the scapegoated partner as a persecutor and the BPD as victim. 

Assuming this scapegoat really is a "date rapist, freak and cyberstalker" you would expect that any victim would never get involved with them again. But not so with a Borderline.  The Borderline plays the victim role over and over. Interesting how that works- you'll note they don't do much rescuing themselves, unless it's giving you the impression that they are the best thing that's ever happened to you and your life.

The BPD personality is defensively attached to her victim persona- and a scapegoat (persecutor) is needed for her to get rescuers. This is skillfully balanced on her false self that appears at first even more humble and loving than any other person you've ever met. But deep down the BPD hears persecution in everything that you do, say and dont say. It is a disorder. There was nothing you could do about it. It was a train wreck that had to happen. There was no stopping it. So be kind to yourself.

":)ate rapist, freak and cyberstalker" are adjectives said to get your attention. They may not even be true. They may also be what she's calling you now. The reasons are two fold- to place an idealized value on the rescuing partner (him), and to appear victimized (by you.)

Let go of the thinking that this new "freak" guy is going to have a happy life. He's not. She's still got all her fishing lines out in cyberspace- and if you're not careful- she'll make you look like a cyberstalker as well.

You have to come to terms with what you're dealing with. That's the Burn stage of the crucible. You can't avoid it. You have to take it one day at a time and let it burn. Soon you'll come to terms with the intellectualization of it all and it wont sting as much. The last stage is an important change that will affect both your mind and your spirit. Give it time.

[turtlesoup]

*sigh*

Once again 2010 has it right. I went in rescuing from these people who has "raped her" had her sectioned etc etc only 2 years later to be the persecutor myself and be accused now of being a "rapist" and even accused of being behind the death of her mother! I'm very sure she is telling her new partner(s) about my terrible treatment of her who will be rescuing and then, of course, be the persecutor themselves.

What I find amazing about BPD is that it turns on a sixpence. The minute I was no longer beliving all these silly stories and started to show some backbone. BANG. From the rescuer, the only person who understood her, she would really tell her family and friends I was the only one there for her and wasn't trying to hurt her (   ) to... ."I have to defend what you have done to my family" "I never wanted you in my house" "you call raping me love".

It's mind boggling! And you can't do anything about it whatsoever. What you do get is a clear understanding that all those demons in the past were more than likely very giving/coda nons pushed to their limits, who woke up and got painted black. It's almost funny to me now. Funny - ridiculous.

[2idealistic]

Thanks to all, especially as I got derailed from my journey of REALLY letting go.

2010, thanks for the refresher on Jungian stages, particularly apt both in personal parallels, but in where I have been, am most comfortable, and want to return--to the distance and safety that intellectualization provides.  I did forget temporarily that the victim needs a rescuer. You're so right:  it was inevitable; I was the inimitable target rescuer from her ex-husband, her unhappiness, her unfulfilled hopes and dreams, her gradual dis-ease with why the superficial country club life wasn't satisfying when, bam!, her husband was indicted for multiple white collar felonies, and while she was in shock at these betrayals and revelations that rendered her and her children virtually destitute (enter me, the rescuer), I have come to believe that on some level she also reveled in this ready-made crisis, and probably knew far more about the details (accessory) than I ever realized (your haunting observation about the BPD's surface humility and vulnerability).  Except for the fact that she demonized me in a very public way that caused me to lose my job, I might have been able to handle the crucible stage better right now.

Turtle, your observations help to re-center me as well.  I remember the heartbreak and futility I felt one night when she texted me three years ago (she was still with her husband), "what kind of man rapes his wife?" and I have come to realize that it's a pattern (more than likely directly related to her real victimization as a girl, which I did have validated by one of her siblings, who is disgusted with her sister's behavior), but also a sure hot-button attention-getter.  Eventually, she wanted to blame me for putting the idea in her head that her new boy, formerly the cyberstalker (as an IT guru he hacked into her emails) and freak date raped her.  The only problem she encountered with this part of the paint job of me is that she had told both of her sisters before she ever told me the date rape routine.  She recanted this, and then assured me that she had spoken with her family and set the record straight that I was just being over protective, and that her soon-to-be new lover had not done any such thing.  Problem there:  her sister called her out, and said, "this is just another lie of many."  Unfortunately, I didn't really get close to her sister until the very end; without the language or tools, her sister had played the role of BPD rescuer, protector, surrogate parent herself for years until she determined she, too, couldn't abide it any more.