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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: coping with abuse  (Read 389 times)
mod69

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 7


« on: December 31, 2020, 09:21:27 PM »

Dear BPDF,

I've been subject to continual stalking and harassment from an ex-girlfriend with BPD. The harassment has been ongoing for two years and caused me significant problems at work and home, leaving me feeling very depressed and anxious, even suicidal. The police have been involved to defuse the aggression and anger that is directed towards me, as well as an earlier period of infatuation that led to this person being arrested outside my family home.

I have only just discovered that this person has been diagnosed with BPD (I had thought the psychotic episodes and paranoia might be schizophrenia) and am only just beginning to learn about the condition. I would very much like this person to get better, and to help if I could, but I fear any contact will make the situation worse. However, given my severe depression I don't know how it could be worse. I would like advice on whether or not it is wise to write to them or not. At any rate, I'm hoping that sharing and listening to others in this group can help me to cope better.

Thank you
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2021, 05:35:43 PM »

Hi mod69,

Are you seeing a T or a P for your depression? Have you talked to your GP? Do you feel like you are going to self harm?

I would like advice on whether or not it is wise to write to them or not. At any rate, I'm hoping that sharing and listening to others in this group can help me to cope better.

I can understand wanting to get help for this person, that's a very noble thing for you to do, as you can probably understand that a part of getting better is wanting that for yourself? Is your exgf in a place where she wants to help herself? Are you in a place where you feel strong enough to be able to help someone else?

You mention that your depression is severe, probable the best thing to do is to take really good care of yourself and come back to this when you feel like you are in a place where it wouldn't move you off or your center if you are trying to help someone else - but when it comes to BPD - it is severe mental illness.

A pwBPD survived before they met us and will survive long after they have met us - it's their journey and it's up them if they want to help themselves is someone is not interested in bettering themselves or wanting to do internal work - it doesn't matter how good our intentions are - we cannot work magic.

That being said you can care for someone with boundary. A boundary could be be something like "I'm going to focus on myself, I'll work on treating my depression, get adequate sleep, eat well, exercise, set some time aside every week to contact a loved one and I can care about someone else with boundaries"

Your exBDPgf caused you some significant distress that is likely going to take some time for things to stabilize in your life - I would suggest to focus on yourself.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Rev
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Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2021, 09:02:56 PM »

Hi there my friend

Just wanting to echo what Mutt said here...  And add that sometimes we can hear
"work on ourselves" as there is something "wrong" with us. There are lots of messages out there to tell men who are victims of abuse how "weak" they are.   At least that was my story.

I think the wisdom in this advice is that once you get yourself to a more solid footing vis a vis your ex, you may be surprise by how you feel you may want to "help".  You may find, like I did, that the best thing you can do to help is to allow her the space to decide that she wants to help herself.

Just a thought.

Hang in there.

Rev
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mod69

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2021, 09:48:10 PM »

Thank you Mutt and Rev very much for your advice and support. The constant harassment from my BPD-ex has made me very depressed since I fear it will never end (I know she has been stalking someone else for 17 years and this is the second Xmas of mine she has ruined). It was a shock to me to realise that so little could be done to shield us from this abuse and harassment. The police and healthcare seem to be surprised by her stalking campaign or probably just at a loss to know how to stop it, and it has also been a shock to me to discover how severe the condition is and how little hope there is that rational persuasion can ever work. The cycle seems to be one of explosions, quiet, then relapse.

I have tried to block or delete the abuse but still have a horrified fascination with the dark, deeply ill nature of the abuse that goes online or gets through fake email accounts (is this common, do most people simply close their minds to it?). In weak moments when I can't stand it anymore I want to write to plead with her to stop but suspect this will only intensify the harassment directed at me. In a way, I have been strong by resisting this urge. What I am hearing from you both is to remove my mind from her cruelty (it is crafted with such vindictive venom) but it is very difficult to achieve this when her online abuse affects my career. For the sake of my health, I may have to quit my job and take up another profession that doesn't require a public-facing profile (I've even considered changing my name and moving abroad).

It does help to know that others have survived and are surviving and it does help to better understand what I am going through (I only very recently knew it was BPD, thinking that the bouts of psychosis and paranoia might be schizophrenia). I am seeing a T who advises block all her messages and ignore, control your own mind, but haven't met him since discovering the diagnosis of BPD. I think it was reading on this site about partners, co-parents who have to deal with BPD that made me wonder if I should try to reach out. But deep down I know that anything I say will get twisted and then provide more ammunition against me.

Once again, thank you for your advice and support. It really helps knowing that you have experience of coping with the fallout from BPD. Your comments give me greater clarity at a time when I feel overwhelmed.

PS: I should have said I am not going to self harm or commit suicide because I have a very loving wife and son. But each day I wake up I feel sick with anxiety and depression. This will be a long road, I know.   
 
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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2021, 07:03:11 AM »

It was a shock to me to realise that so little could be done to shield us from this abuse and harassment. The police and healthcare seem to be surprised by her stalking campaign or probably just at a loss to know how to stop it, and it has also been a shock to me to discover how severe the condition is and how little hope there is that rational persuasion can ever work.
 

Hey again - what you write here is unfortunately a very common thing.  Yes - law enforcement are simply not equipped to assess abuse of this kind.  I just finished an MA Thesis on Male Victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse.  One of the findings is that dealing with the system creates its own particular form of depression.  It's not like the shaming that female victims can be subjected to - as in "she must have deserved it" or "you know how women can be." 

For men, the findings are much more akin to a vacuum of response - like the situation doesn't compute for first responders to situations like this - namely hospitals and police, depending on the situation.   In fact, when coercive behavior like you describe is included, men and women are abuse victims in equal numbers.   But the tools frontline providers have deal with evidence that is "visible" - as in bruises and damaged property.

So... why am I sharing this?  Just to say that in looking for help, be aware that this too will be a source of difficult feelings, all on their own even. And so be careful of having too much in the way of expectations.   Not sure what part of the world you are in - but there are ways to get restraining orders in place.  I am in a part of Canada where writing a "cease and desist" was relatively simple and inexpensive. That did the trick and I have not really heard from my ex since.

If you have specific questions - I can certainly try to offer perspective.   And you are correct, this might be a longer road.

Blessings to you and your wife. 

Rev
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Rev
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Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2021, 07:03:57 AM »

And... I am wondering to what point you feel that you might be able to share with her how things are going?  That can be touchy, I know.  I too have a new partner, who actually knows my ex.  Some days she can listen to more... others less.

Hang in there.  As you claim your ground, it gets easier, even as it is not easy by times.

Rev

Here's an excerpt from my paper:

There are identifiable areas where the conversation could progress, serving to help socially sensitize people to the reality of male victims.

O’Campo et al. (2017) examine the field of data mapping. They point out that men are less likely to recognize or acknowledge non-physical abuse. As a result, male victims are more prone to attributing the symptoms of psychological abuse to factors external to their spousal relationship. Eynon (2014) reports that women are as likely to engage in coercive behavior as men. Robinson et al. (2016) point to a need for police officers in England and the United States to factor in the concept of coercive control as part of their interventions rather than focusing primarily on physical violence. Sensitizing law enforcement officers to these findings appears critical to assisting male victims because law enforcement agencies appear to be the primary resource men turn to for help either directly or through a hospital. Haynes (2015) reports that in 85% of cases, men reach out to the police or a hospital whereas only in 30% of cases do men reach out to support groups (which means that there are some cases where men avail themselves of both).  Haynes (2015) reports that overall, male victims’ satisfaction with services in general was very low, with victims feeling discriminated against because they were men.

  Of course, police can only work with the legal tools and directives offered to them. Robinson et al. (2016) suggest that legal definitions of what constitutes abuse need to be broadened. Lewis (2015) writes that in the United States there has been resistance to do this because of political pressure placed on state legislatures. Progress, although slow, seems to be coming, however. The author reports of a change that occurred in West Virginia. Statutes were changed so that male victims were included as part of the general victim population, and therefore legally protected from gender discrimination where the funding of services was concerned.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2021, 07:10:03 AM by Rev » Logged
mod69

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 7


« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2021, 12:53:49 PM »

Dear Rev, thanks once again for passing on your advice and goodwill. For over a year I used the default male setting for dealing with emotional abuse from this BPD-ex; i.e. ignore it and be "strong". It was after discovering that the abuse may on go on for ever (speaking to a fellow sufferer who had faced stalking from her for 17 years) and that it was wrecking my reputation and my career that led me to a breakdown and a total reassessment of my life.

I realised that it was my ego and pride that was causing a lot of my suffering and the biggest learning curve is separating what we can control in our own mind from the reality (the horror) of the external circumstances dealing with someone with this condition. I have been repeatedly shocked and eventually was broken by how this vendetta has been allowed to escalate unchecked and probably will continue like this periodically until one of us is no longer alive.

I now accept it is domestic abuse and that I need professional help with my mental health  and support of peer groups - that journey has been humbling and I realise that only in middle age am I learning to understand myself and other people. I guess the trauma of dealing with BPD has led many people to reassess their life. Fortunately, my wife has been brilliant and supportive and this horrible experience has actually brought us close together. I feel guilty at having suicidal thoughts because I can't leave her or my son to pick up the pieces without me.

I think this peer support group is a vital lifeline. If I have specific questions I will post them and seek your advice and that of others. I feel more hopeful about managing this current crisis. You guys are far ahead of me in understanding and coping with BPD, but the fact that you are surviving (and hopefully thriving) gives others hope.
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Rev
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Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2021, 02:16:27 PM »

I think this peer support group is a vital lifeline.

Totally agree... glad to have met you... this place is a godsend.



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