Is there any choice you made due to foo that you now regret?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank God Mother’s Day is over.   It is indeed the most difficult day of the year for me.

Harder than Christmas, New Year’s, Thanksgiving, etc.    The pain of never having had a mom or children of my own is  never more apparent than on THIS day.   To die never knowing the joy of carrying a child inside of me, giving birth, being a mom, etc. is truly the heartbreak of my life.  :'(  My grief is so huge lately that I feel I could drown in it.    I’ve had years of therapy but only recently have begun to understand the impact of my mother’s mental illness on my life.  

When I married the first time, I knew it was Mr. Wrong…..but choosing him felt comfortable because those were the types of relationships I was used to.   He wanted kids but I knew the marriage would not last, so thankfully, I made sure I used birth control.   I think I had guardian angels guiding me because I was so messed up….I ‘m sure I would not have made a good mother but didn’t really “know” that like I know it now.  

I divorced in my early 30’s and assumed I’d marry quickly and have a family.   But that isn’t what life brought me.    I stayed single (being a single mom wasn’t an option for me) until I met DH after I was too old to conceive.   We talked about adoption but decided against it.    As much as I had always wanted a child, it just never felt like the “right” thing to do.      My hope is to accept this choice as the best choice for me and for the children that I did not conceive.    I need to trust that my deeper wisdom guided me in this decision.     It is only recent that I have “gotten” the impact of mother’s mental illness.     If I had had a child during my childbearing years, I would have most likely modeled the parenting        that I received.       Not giving birth was most likely the most responsible decision I ever made.    But I just don’t understand if that ‘s true, why do I feel so cheated, so pissed off, so inconsolable?   The heartbreak never seems to go away.

Thanks for reading,  it helps so much to get it out.

Would love to hear about regrets with choices you made or didn’t make because of your foo.     nf      

[newfreedom]

Thank God Mother’s Day is over.   It is indeed the most difficult day of the year for me.

Harder than Christmas, New Year’s, Thanksgiving, etc.    The pain of never having had a mom or children of my own is  never more apparent than on THIS day.   To die never knowing the joy of carrying a child inside of me, giving birth, being a mom, etc. is truly the heartbreak of my life.  :'(  My grief is so huge lately that I feel I could drown in it.    I’ve had years of therapy but only recently have begun to understand the impact of my mother’s mental illness on my life.  

When I married the first time, I knew it was Mr. Wrong…..but choosing him felt comfortable because those were the types of relationships I was used to.   He wanted kids but I knew the marriage would not last, so thankfully, I made sure I used birth control.   I think I had guardian angels guiding me because I was so messed up….I ‘m sure I would not have made a good mother but didn’t really “know” that like I know it now.  

I divorced in my early 30’s and assumed I’d marry quickly and have a family.   But that isn’t what life brought me.    I stayed single (being a single mom wasn’t an option for me) until I met DH after I was too old to conceive.   We talked about adoption but decided against it.    As much as I had always wanted a child, it just never felt like the “right” thing to do.      My hope is to accept this choice as the best choice for me and for the children that I did not conceive.    I need to trust that my deeper wisdom guided me in this decision.     It is only recent that I have “gotten” the impact of mother’s mental illness.     If I had had a child during my childbearing years, I would have most likely modeled the parenting        that I received.       Not giving birth was most likely the most responsible decision I ever made.    But I just don’t understand if that ‘s true, why do I feel so cheated, so pissed off, so inconsolable?   The heartbreak never seems to go away.

Thanks for reading,  it helps so much to get it out.

Would love to hear about regrets with choices you made or didn’t make because of your foo.     nf      

[newfreedom]

Hi JD,

            

Mother and all of my sisters also hate short hair and would get really angry when I would keep mine short.     Once, I dyed it red, also!   They hated it!   That was such fun.     

[newfreedom]

^^^^^^^

Sorry, don't know why but that got posted here instead of JD's thread.

[jardin]

I do really believe my choice of career was in large part due to parental pressure.  Though they never said - you have to go to this school or do that, they - especially mom - did push me hard to excel, be successful, be perfect, go far above and beyond so that she could tell everyone about it.  And by push I mean I was literally pushed if I fell short.    Even to this day, her voice is always happiest when I've had a success and she can go tell everyone about it all.      

As I HATE my career, this is a huge issue for me.  For the first time in my life, I am actively working to get out of it.  I have a new plan and new schooling and an end result that will be right for ME.  It won't be as powerful, the money will be less, but I know I will be happy.  And that's all I want right now.  Happiness.  Just to be me, to live under my own standards, and to be satisfied with whatever the results.  The opposite of all she lives by.  

[survivorof2]

nf:

         

So sorry for the grief you are feeling lately. It is important to acknowledge our grief and other emotions but then decide what we will do with them. We have a choice what to do with them.

I so appreciate the contribution you make on this forum, the encouragement you give to me and others.

When I went no contact with my uBPDparents, I also lost all of my FOO, including 2 sisters and their kids, in "one fell swoop". So I feel like I have regained sisters in you and others and that helps ease the pain.

You are helping others on this board to be good moms and that is HUGE.

Be very good to yourself and know that your contribution here has helped many!  x

[justjen]

I'm sorry NF.   x  Have you thought about mentoring in a Big Brother/Big Sister program?  I'll bet you would be a great ear for kids who may be going through similar situations.

Some of my biggest regrets are letting my parents in the delivery room with s6, and allowing my m to come stay with us for 2 weeks around d3's birth.  I am proud of myself for not letting their parenting style affect mine too much.

Also...moving in with them when dh (then df) got laid off...and staying for 2 years.       

Oh, and thinking that we "needed" them and encouraging them to move to the last state we lived in, and this state.

[newfreedom]

For the first time in my life, I am actively working to get out of it.  I have a new plan and new schooling and an end result that will be right for ME.  It won't be as powerful, the money will be less, but I know I will be happy.  And that's all I want right now.  Happiness.  Just to be me, to live under my own standards, and to be satisfied with whatever the results.  The opposite of all she lives by. 

         

I believe that it is our responsibility to share our gifts with the world.   When we do that , work is a pleasure and hugely satisfying.     The money becomes secondary and getting to do the job should feel like a privilege.   You deserve to be happy, I wish you well with your plan, nf    

[newfreedom]

Survivorof2,

Your post made me cry.  I needed that.  Thank you, sister.   x   x

[newfreedom]

  I am proud of myself for not letting their parenting style affect mine too much.

Justjen,   That is because of all your hard work, I'm sure.     

[CrazyNoMore]

I regret "staying home" to go to college.

Fortunately, I live in an area with plenty of good, nationally ranked colleges and universities, so it's not like my education was second-rate.  But I was not allowed to even consider an "away" school.  Mother was convinced I'd be raped and/or murdered living in a dorm, or that I would not manage my health condition and would be dead within two weeks. The message was clear:  You Will DIE If You Try To Leave. 

I don't know if it would have made much of a difference in how my life turned out, but the fact that I didn't even have that option has always bugged me.

I can't imagine how gut-wrenching it must be for parents to drive away from campuses after dropping off their kid for the first time.  I work on a college campus now, and I've witnessed it first hand on "move-in day".  I truly admire those parents who summon untold internal strength to keep their tears at bay until they are safely out of sight of their child.  God bless them for loving their child so much, and wanting the best for them, despite the discomfort it causes them personally.

[newfreedom]

I truly admire those parents who summon untold internal strength to keep their tears at bay until they are safely out of sight of their child.  God bless them for loving their child so much, and wanting the best for them, despite the discomfort it causes them personally.

Dear CNM,

I am a retired guidance counselor and I too, would marvel at the gestures of healthy parents to their kids...really eye-opening.    It would warm my heart to witness those loving gestures because I loved the students so much...but it also made me painfully aware of all that I missed from my parents.     And I distinctly remember the feeling I always get, even today, watching healthy families.   It is like visiting another planet...totally foreign.   If I'm having a really sad day, it can be overwhelmingly painful to watch.   I've come to accept those feelings as a part of my life that just is.     

[Cordelia]

I can't imagine how gut-wrenching it must be for parents to drive away from campuses after dropping off their kid for the first time.  I work on a college campus now, and I've witnessed it first hand on "move-in day".  I truly admire those parents who summon untold internal strength to keep their tears at bay until they are safely out of sight of their child.  God bless them for loving their child so much, and wanting the best for them, despite the discomfort it causes them personally.

I remember the bittersweet feelings that Parents' Day would bring up for me in college.  My dad came up for that once, I think - my mom, never.  I did love to see the ways other parents interacted with their kids.  Such sweet moments.  It was there that I really started to realize what had gone wrong in my childhood, how different my experiences were from others'.  I felt a bit like a returnee from a war zone, suddenly in a peaceful place, feeling shell-shocked and still looking for something to fight, finding nothing. 

As far as choices I've made that I regret...I can't really regret my choices, because they were right for me at the time.  It would have been nice to enjoy dating more.  To really see it as a fun process and the chance to get to know new people rather than as this terrifying minefield that had to be negotiated correctly to avoid a lifetime of misery.  But it *was* that minefield for me, I was dealing with a lot, and the stakes were high.  I took it seriously enough to avoid that life-destroying mistake, and for that I'm grateful.  But it did take a lot of the joy and spontaneity out of what could be a fun time in life.  It would have been nice to not have to take my career quite so seriously, to have been able to give myself more time to have fun with my talents and skills and try various directions, rather than going straight for the bottom line of success and security.  If I had had security in my FOO, I could have risked failure.  But I didn't, so I couldn't.  It's only now that I'm married that I'm starting to feel that pressure lifting a bit, to know that there's someone to catch me if I fall. 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, nf.  It is so sad not to be mothered, and not to be a mother (I am struggling with infertility right now, so I know this sadness quite well).  You made the choices that were right for you at the time, and now that you are feeling that draw toward this side of your personality, there are many ways to express it.  You can teach, you can be creative in other ways - write, paint, or sculpt, you can reach out to young people in your or your DH's family, or in your community.  The world always responds to love - if you have it to give, it will be welcome!   

[Sandcastle]

A few things . . . I regret staying home for my first and only paid professional gig because mother was too scared to let me drive 1 1/2 hours (It might snow! There might be drunk people on the road!) and stay home by herself on Y2k eve, when enNdad had to work. I was 20. Shoulda just taken the car and gone.

I regret trying to be the good kid and moving into a house in one state while they lived in another because I would "help" them and they could come to visit and . . . yeah. A few things about the actual house I did like, but the strings attached were more like lead weights, in the end. The visits were horrible.

I regret not keeping my cats when I got evicted from my apartment (lack of funds due to crappy job and parents were no support, really) and had to move "home." Mother said no to the cats (they're messy!) and I had to give them back to the rescue group I got them from.  :'(

I regret a lot of the things I did in music school, mostly the way I behaved and the breakdown I had towards the end. I know I gave my teacher a hell of a time, and I regret that, too. I still kinda wish I could do it over and do it right; I was really not in a good place mentally to do anything but act and react in survival mode. Thankfully, though, I did get to stay in the dorms.

There are more, but those are the major ones. The one thing I realized that helped me a lot was that I could forgive myself; I did what I did because there was nothing else I could do at the time. The regret doesn't hurt as much as it used to.  I made those choices, but there was nothing else I could do after the way I'd been raised.

[irishbear99]

Newfreedom - I am so sorry for your grief.  x

There are many things I regret.  Probably at the top of my list is just buying into her nonsense; allowing her to make me believe that I owned the guilt she laid on me.  I didn't even realize it until my DH once said (during an argument we were having), "I hate your mother for what she did to you."  It wasn't even until he said that when I finally realized that I internalize everything as MY fault.  I wish I could have realized sooner that I don't own this guilt, that it is hers.

[vodka y pan]

All of my mountain of regrets hinge on one single thing: that I never stood up to them when I was a teenager. If I had done that, everything would be worlds different today. Is it weird that I find it painful to watch Back to the Future for that very reason?  ?

[Mom2MyKids]

NF,

So sorry you have such regrets.  I cannot imagine.  I'm sure we all have regrets to some degree, but they vary.  My regret is not having a spine for so many years.  I should not have given so much money and so much of my time and energy to my parents.  If they had been grateful and respected me when I said "no more money" that would have been ok and things probably would not be what they are now, but by continuing to give and give and give, they grew dependent on that and now it's too late.

All I can do is look at where we are today and go from there. 

[newfreedom]

As far as choices I've made that I regret...I can't really regret my choices, because they were right for me at the time.  

Salome,  Of course I know this intellectually, and sometimes my emotions align with my mind.   Writing this post has helped me to move through another chunk of the feelings.

Thanks for your post...and good luck with your fertility issues.   nf   

The one thing I realized that helped me a lot was that I could forgive myself;

Sandcastle,    Congratulations on this.  ^^^  Some of us never get there.    I've worked really hard on this one...have a way to go still.    I have five older siblings and it 's really tough to observe them numb their self hatred with drugs and alcohol.    My oldest sibling died last fall...filled with guilt and self loathing.    They are wonderful role models for how not to grow older.      nf   

[newfreedom]

It wasn't even until he said that when I finally realized that I internalize everything as MY fault.  I wish I could have realized sooner that I don't own this guilt, that it is hers.

Irishbear,    Me too.   But better late than never.   I am 63 and just realizing that...it has revolutionized my life, and I got plenty more to go.    

[newfreedom]

All of my mountain of regrets hinge on one single thing: that I never stood up to them when I was a teenager. If I had done that, everything would be worlds different today. Is it weird that I find it painful to watch Back to the Future for that very reason?  ?

Vodka y pan,

Back to the Future had a profound efffect on me too.   I have watched it at least 20 times.  I taught guidance classes to kids and teenagers and would show parts of that film for discussion.     I didn't realize though until reading your post what it was about it that moved me so much.   Thanks for that.   nf     

[newfreedom]

My regret is not having a spine for so many years.  I should not have given so much money and so much of my time and energy to my parents.  If they had been grateful and respected me when I said "no more money" that would have been ok and things probably would not be what they are now, but by continuing to give and give and give, they grew dependent on that and now it's too late.

All I can do is look at where we are today and go from there.  

Mom2,  I also regret not having a spine for so long.   I was infantilized by foo, so no one ever asked me for anything.    I hope the future brings you the change and peace you deserve.    nf    

[LadyJane]

I regret three things:

(1) Allowing my mother to talk me out of going to college - now I'm pushing 40, (finally got an AA last year) and cannot find a job. Every employer wants a BA/BS and xx number years of experience or they won't hire you. I'm fortunate that my husband has a good job and is patient with me. I've had jobs over the course of my adult life of course, but things are just such a disaster in the U.S. economy these days, that unless you meet specific criteria, it's difficult to find work. Gee, "thanks" Mother, for telling me that "College isn't necessary - you don't need a degree to get by in life." Um, yeah, actually you DO need a degree.

(2) Not trying hard enough to get out of Mother's house after high school. I should have done whatever it took to get away from her - work two jobs, get several roommates, enlist in the military. Instead I lived at home until 24 and allowed her to run my life. I'm extremely ashamed of this fact.

(3) Not realizing she has a mental illness until many years later. I had a lot of    when I was younger, and as a result, I didn't treat people very well. I'm extremely ashamed of this, also.

[newfreedom]

(2) Not trying hard enough to get out of Mother's house after high school. I should have done whatever it took to get away from her - work two jobs, get several roommates, enlist in the military. Instead I lived at home until 24 and allowed her to run my life. I'm extremely ashamed of this fact.

(3) Not realizing she has a mental illness until many years later. I had a lot of    when I was younger, and as a result, I didn't treat people very well. I'm extremely ashamed of this, also.

Hi Lady Jane,   

I can so relate to the feeling of shame for not getting away sooner...I think many of us do.    But how could we?    Most of us were victims of Stockholm Syndrome.    I thought I was the bad, crazy one.    It takes some of us a lifetime to emerge from the wreckage.

Please try to be gentle with yourself, LJ,   I had (and still have)  lots of       

and didn't treat others well at times.      We can't do better until we know better.

best,  nf     x   x

[Ankakusu]

Sometimes I wish I had gone to art school instead of university, which offered me enough money to make it possible. It was what I really wanted to do, but I sensed that I didn't have the self-promotion skills or self-organization skills I needed to get by as a professional artist (and an actual fear of situations where these skills were necessary, thanks to the FOO), or the money to go. It was the practical decision for survival, but I wish I hadn't had to make it.

I really wish I hadn't stayed with my decade-older, uNPD, spendthrift, controlling ex-boyfriend for almost six years. We started dating halfway through my time at the university, and he had already been chipping at my very stunted self-esteem for two years when I was about to graduate, but it never occurred to me that that (let alone financial exploitation and emotional cheating) was reason enough to dump him. Mother was feeling the usual fear of abandonment, but x100, and was doing everything she could to make my life hell from two hours away (including threatening to withdraw me in my last semester just because she could), and I was depressed and could tell that I had no survival skills at all and would need them like never before (he said he would teach me  ), and my grades plummeted (I had been in the top 10 at one point), and I felt like such a failure that it seemed to me that my only hope for survival was to follow him to the city where he lived and get a job. It took four years for me to build up enough self-esteem and courage to leave him, and even after that it took a while for life to get less chaotic.

Because of the FOO, I believed that people who love you treat you like s**t, and once I noticed that other people don't treat their partners like s**t, I believed that that was just the way things had to be for me. It took a while to develop healthier mindsets.

I wish I could have been like other people on this board who just severed themselves from their FOO early on, at least financially, and waited to go to college until they could support themselves.  I just have to remember how extremely brainwashed I was, and even though I could speak six languages and write long and coherent papers when I graduated, that I had as much adult survival skills as the average 12-year-old, thanks to the artificial poverty and extreme isolation mother put us in. Even if someone had said to me, "you don't have to take this from your parents" or "dump the jerk--he is abusing you!" it would have been as foreign (and potentially dangerous) a concept as if they had suggested that I jump in the ocean and start breathing water, because not to worry, I have vestigial gills.

[phoenix rising]

OMG, there's so many I could write a book! Taking drugs daily in high school to escape my miserable life.  Not going away to college..I wasn't allowed because mother didn't "trust"me. My career choice in college was centered on getting a job so I could get away. My choice to marry right after college, again to get away. Tried to talk DH into moving out of state to get away (didn't work).Nothing ever worked...I could not get away from them...mother would not allow it!   But mostly never having the guts to stand up for myself or my family for many,many years and break the cycle of insane dependancy they all had on me and my family.  :'(