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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Im blowing off Thanksgiving...  (Read 383 times)
3rdID
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« on: November 23, 2010, 11:35:29 AM »

Well its looking more like my wife got herself iinvolved with someone right about the time she decided she was divorcing me. Wont admit it and basically implies I am nuts, but the evidence all points to it. Anyway was supposed to go to her sisters for TG with my BPDw and my children. The same thing as everyear. Of course my 2x divorced sister in law will have her new latest BF there. Another grunger. In light of the mounting evidence of my wife screwing around, I decided I dont want to be near her, talk to her, really anything to do with her, I told my BPDw i would not be going there for thanksgiving., she just laughed and said she made bet with her sister that i would bail out last minute. Says Im inconsistent as usual. I just cant go there and pretend. i know it will be awkard and painful. I will likely fight with my wife there. My son17 has stated he will not go either. I dont care if he dont. Up to him. My wife pissed now. I dont care. She screwed everything up. Holidays will never be the same. My wifes Dad will just have to adjust to disitegration of the family unit. Holidays will not be the same ever again. I do not want Christmas held at my house this year as it is usually done. My wife does. She acts like business as usual. I will take my kids to my family and the rest of them can sit around and contemplate how my wife has screwed up herself and her family.
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Jbird
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2010, 11:56:44 AM »

I did send you a PM. But I wanted to respond here as well. Just wondering what you think your son's take on this is? Is he just wanting to hang out with, or do you think he feeling uncomfortable around his mom? Do you see this holiday being a downer for the 2 of you, or just a time to step out of the chaos? I am asking because this has seemed to be an extremely emotional couple of weeks for you. Your life is sort of in hyper drive at the moment. Just since you started posting here things have certainly started a crazy spiral. Just hoping you are taking some time to catch your breath in all of this. Huge things happening in your life right now my friend, just hope you are taking the steps to care for you! 

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3rdID
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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2010, 02:36:39 PM »

I did send you a PM. But I wanted to respond here as well. Just wondering what you think your son's take on this is? Is he just wanting to hang out with, or do you think he feeling uncomfortable around his mom? Do you see this holiday being a downer for the 2 of you, or just a time to step out of the chaos? I am asking because this has seemed to be an extremely emotional couple of weeks for you. Your life is sort of in hyper drive at the moment. Just since you started posting here things have certainly started a crazy spiral. Just hoping you are taking some time to catch your breath in all of this. Huge things happening in your life right now my friend, just hope you are taking the steps to care for you! 

My wifes relationship with my s17 is very poor. he hates his mother, quite frankly. He once told me years ago that he did not like his mother and that she was a bad person. The kids know the deal. he actually thinks Im an idiot for tolerating her and giving in to her. he doenst understand that I love her. When I explained who painful the prospect of divorce for me is, he told me he was sorry for me. I told him that i felt like I had lived a lie for 20 yrs. He said I probably did. My wifes rel with daughter better than it was because w is desperate to maintain something. But D knows the deal. Cannot count on mother to be a mother. I have no doubt that in the end my wife will be on the outside looking in. Wondering why she cant come in. lets put it this way. i give my wife money for household to shop. The kids come to me and ask me to take them food shopping becuuse the mother comes home with some toliet paper and tissues. Wheres the food. She pockets the rest of the money. The kids tell me she pockest the money. All coming to an end.

I dont know if its my son wanting to hang with me as much as it is his disdain for his mother. he is loyal to me though. I guess all those years  and countless hours and thousands of miles of driving to the wrestling tournaments and the thousands of hours i have spent in the stands and matside to root him on. I guess that stood for something to him. I enjoyed it and still do. Mother didn't give a damn until state championship potential and others asking her about our son and then it dawned on her that he was good and she better start making appearance at his matches. Always used to say he dont really want to do it. he dont have the heart for it. Always a put down. Im rambling... .any way I cant imagine being at dinner with my soon to be ex family. i will always care about the father in law and would always do anything I could to help him. he has always helped me out around my home. he just has no control over his daughter. He told me she was a diffficult child and they knew she would be a handul for any man that married her. he has told me he would prefer kids stayed with me as he doesnt trust his daughter to be around for them. The holiday will be a downer for everyone but my wife and probably her sister. They seem to have fun no matter what. Now awareness of the destruction going on around them.
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2010
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« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2010, 03:29:52 PM »

Excerpt
The holiday will be a downer for everyone but my wife and probably her sister.

Claim it back Man. Go get a turkey and a cheap aluminum roaster and throw the thing into the oven. Put on the Ball Game and make yourself some popcorn. The house will start to smell REALLY good in a few hours. Make some boxed stovetop stuffing. Buy some microwave mashed potatoes. Get some canned cranberries. Get a bag of frozen corn. You can do it. Show your Son that Dad's not kicked. Make yourselves your own Thanksgiving.  And while you're at it, put up some Christmas lights while she's gone and really blow her mind. Take back your life.
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JustSaying
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Relationship status: Married 14 years
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« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2010, 03:38:36 PM »

Not going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving is a reasonable decision. Not having the in-laws over for Christmas is a reasonable decision. A 17 year old having a voice in whether or not they attend one function or another is reasonable.

But beyond that, the anger and bitterness comes through every sentence. The stress and the anger are harmful to you. They will physically harm you and they will get in the way of rational decision making.

I'm just another idiot trying to get through a difficult relationship that's not fulfilling the needs of either adult, so you need not believe me. But I did a lot better as I let go of the anger and bitterness, and focused on being as healthy as I could be. I sought the help of a T to learn coping skills and healthy reactions. It made me a better decision maker and a better parent for my daughter in the most difficult time of her life.

Excerpt
Another grunger

So what.

Excerpt
But D knows the deal. Cannot count on mother to be a mother.

I became happier when I focused on actual behaviors rather than broad judgments. D13 was also happier when she learned tangible behaviors to address and specific coping skills for those behaviors rather than generic condemnation.

Excerpt
I will likely fight with my wife there

This is a choice, not something that happens on its own. I can choose to fight with my wife or I can learn how to avoid it.

Excerpt
She screwed everything up... .the rest of them can sit around and contemplate how my wife has screwed up herself and her family

A marriage is two people, and there's usually a lot of blame to go around.

Excerpt
he is loyal to me though

That suggests a competition. It shouldn't be that way. My wife views things with our D as a competition, and that's just so distressing. A child's love for, or loyalty to, parents needn't be zero-sum.
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